Does your KH understand the gift she/he has?

When my wife and I first started out I was always thinking that she didn’t fully get it or do the things she needed to do to help create a symbiosis in the dynamic between us. But really the problem was me not understanding that if I wanted to live chastity and FLR that I needed to completely do it her way at her pace. It was frustrating for me because there was so much I wanted to try kink/role reversal wise that at the time I thought it was through these actions that would help build our relationship in this dynamic. I’d end up going through cycles where things would start out really well but then I’d become resentful. At the time I felt like she wasn’t trying hard enough or I felt “forgotten” which would result in me whining to her, which was very unsublike and not sexy.

I finally had an epiphany a couple of years in and realized how lucky I am and how much I love her. She was trying for me but she was doing it her way and going to become the type of domme she wanted to be. I completely got what I asked for… A Domme wife who locks me in chastity. The rest is up to her and what she wants to do, she’s trained me to where (for a long while now) I find her idea of chastity and our FLR very erotic with a dose of delicious frustration. We range from very vanilla to pretty damn kinky depending on her mood.

So in my case I was the one that wasn’t grasping what it was that I’d offered her because in my mind I thought it would go so differently and I really had trouble accepting her way and pace. Once I actually submitted to her I was able to get on for her ride and very much enjoy it. No more resentful cycles, it’s just accepting to do it her way and understanding that she creates a realistic reality for us in this lifestyle that makes us both happy.

 

I could echo this. You ask for denial, but then denying isn’t quite good enough, she has to deny in a certain way etc. My FLR (which really is exactly that right now) only started when she banned me from talking about chastity and I did my best to obey. A good caning to set me straight showed me she was serious. That was the turning point.

 

I think I was torn between ‘not fully’ and ‘taking advantage’. I considered it from her perspective.
She understands it enough to know she will pretty much get whatever asks for.
Now, I know she could ask for more, I think she probably does too. She chooses not to. She’s compassionate. Some may say that’s guilt, but I think she’s fundamentally inclined to do the right thing for me too…
So I would summarise my conclusion as this:
I have the perfect Wife and Keyholder. (For clarity, they are the same person)

 

Not only does Goddess fully understand the gift She has, She has actually thanked me for giving it to Her. Also, as i have mentioned in other posts, Goddess has told several of Her friends about O/our lifestyle. i have been present for several of those conversations, during which Goddess has explained that this is a gift i have given Her, and that i continue to give Her everyday. To Her it is more than just fantasy (and a seemingly endless stream of orgasms i give Her in an attempt to Her release) it is a gift W/we give each other.

 

Oh she knows, and she loves it.

She loves that I can't cum or get an erection and she loves denying my erections and orgasms. She drives me crazy, teasing me and sending me memes or saying teasing things.

I don't think she has figured out how she could use it to motivate me, but she is getting there.

We previously did 4 months without the key being used and now we are doing a "proper long lock" (12 months+ Not sure I believe it). She says it really turns her on and she feels empowered by it. She is skipping around haha.

She really does love it.

 

My madam loves having control of me!

 

My Queen says my chastity is spoiling her. I’ll take that as a sign she is enjoying it.

 

Similar here sprinkled with the beginnings of the epiphany @WWSUB had, as now the occasional resentment is disappearing. She could easily live with me denied more, and knows why she should. But piv is the most intimate act for her, and when it's just right she'd be denying herself if I didn't come more often than I deserve. She's probably too compassionate to take it all the way, just because she can.

 

BCWYWF… or what she wishes for, once they get over the sex without (your) orgasm hang up it really gets real.

 

I’d say she’s in between Fully and Taking advantage also. Since going for a single full orgasm a month as a goal this year, she’s noticed I’ve become much more docile and that submission has allowed her to really become comfortable in her dominance.
I’m not sure if she’s fully aware how much she’s changed and how she carries herself now, but I definitely see it and can feel it.
Our kids when they’re visiting can tell something seems different about her too but no idea what it is, they just see me going out of my way to pamper her even more than usual. But I think they notice the confidence.

As for our private time, she doesn’t tell me any plans as to longer term ideas she has for me, or if her goal is to get me to X number of days, anything. All I assume daily is I’m probably going to be licking her pussy at bedtime, after making something for dinner and taking care of the house chores, laundry etc every day. Making her life as easy as possible.
So far each month, piv and erections are being allowed less and less, and I’m making sure I don’t ask about it. In the past few years of chastity I’d make comments about it being X amount of days since I was allowed this or that and she’d feel guilty. Now she’d probably just say too bad or now it’s going to be even longer if I bring it up. So I’m just following my beautiful Wife’s lead and letting her explore what makes her happy, her orgasms are increasing again now that she’s feeling better after the covid fatigue is long gone and her hormones issue has leveled out again….and my tongue is stronger than ever!
I don’t think I’d change much of anything, I do miss being allowed to have a real hard fuck once in a while, but this is her show now. I did almost start begging last night after licking her for a long time to a strong orgasm, she was rubbing my balls and I felt like I couldn’t take it any more. No erections for a week, no piv for 10 or 11 days which is long for us, and I’ve done much longer stints of locks and denial but something just was hitting me badly. She knew I was having a tough time but just held me tight and caressed my head and shoulders while I calmed myself and started to fall asleep.
I’m at her total mercy

 

The motivational side of control. Hmm. Dipped her toes, but has rarely followed through on punishments.0

This year.
Sex total 6
Sex with orgasm 4
When she really believes I get enough from her orgasm... Maybe then I'm in trouble.

 

We initially used the scale:

Nope
Maybe
OK
Yes

as described in Male Chastity for Vanilla Wives (some title like that)

When we first got started, my wife said she was between Maybe and OK.

I'll have to ask her, but I'd guess she's somewhere between OK and Yes at this point. Not taking full advantage of it...yet. But moving that way more every day.

I'll steal @IB-Chaste's summary and modify it a little:

"She almost understands it enough to know she will pretty much get whatever she asks for.
Now, I know she could ask for more, I think she probably does too. She chooses not to. She’s compassionate. At first there was guilt, or not understanding what she could do. What is good is that she’s fundamentally inclined to do the right thing for me too…
So I would summarise my conclusion as this:
I have the perfect Wife and Keyholder. (For clarity, they are the same person)"

She is on her journey, and learns more every day. Asks when she wants ideas or feedback. Doesn't apologize when she wants something. She's fair and balanced, and growing confidence in her femininity every day. Keeps an open mind and is open to new ideas. Self aware, attuning to and learning to understand me while I learn to understand her.

I think one of the biggest realizations is that she can be who she wants to be. And take the time to figure that out...not who society or others have wanted her to be. But who she wants to be. And do things her way. The lightbulb has clicked when she has gone from thinking she had to fit some mold of "dominatrix" and some generic definition of what that is supposed to be. Only to realize that no...she can be whoever she wants to be, and confidently be in that space. In her own voice, her own way. I'm not trying to make her into something. I explain what I need and where I'm coming from. It's then her choice to do whatever she wants with that. Maybe adopt my ideas, or maybe use her own.

I think it's really just two people being two people and working on unpacking all the crap they learned over their lives about who they are "supposed" to be and becoming who they want to be.

 

Well said

 

So what don’t you think your KH doesn’t understand or grasp. Is it literally the whole concept of chastity? What has she said to you specifically?

 

We are in the tolerant phase. We took a break in mid Jan and kept that way until a few weeks ago. She has said it was a turnoff. I secretly started wearing to control my insatiable desire. Then we discussed it and she knew I was wearing and things went along. Within a week she commented she really liked the changes. Then last night I asked her if she would partake a bit (hold key etc) and she fell back to "that's your thing". So we shall see where this leads. I guess patience is my only option...

 

Why is it a turnoff for her? I think this is a common concern and reality. Also, her saying "that's your thing" she may have other underlying resistance that could be talked through for you to understand where she is coming from. I think it's important to get very specific. Don't nag or belabor it, but seek to first understand and accept the specific underlying issue. She may not know and is saying these things so she doesn't have to get to the root of it herself.

How is she with other topics around sexuality?

 

From the second my Wife (KH) saw a MC device, she loved taking control. The minute my first MC device was put on my penis, my Wife took full advantage of it. We started MC four years ago and she knew exactly how things were going to go. I have asked her several times if she is bored with MC, I'm still wearing a cage, so I'm thinking she is fine with it. I'm not sure why she enjoys it so much, but she has told me that she wishes that she had found out sooner about the devices and MC. I'm about 40 days away from a year of zero orgasms, so yes, I think she understands what she has.
The first few months, I think she was doing it for me, but after that, it was all about her and her wants and needs. I not sure how long this will last but, I really don't see her changing our lifestyle any time soon...

 

It would be super tough to deal with this if it were a turn-off for her.

It started (among other things) as a great way for her to not have to worry about me putting my penis into other women when traveling (not that I was actually doing that ... it's been a long time since I strayed). But a week caged while traveling brought me home to her as play-dough in her hands.

I guess we've just been exploring that ever since.

 

Out of interest, what is “your thing”? What else accompanies chastity for you? Are those the things that are putting her off?

 

Her turnoff is the look of it and that it is "weird" in her words. My wife has evolved over the years from exploratory in our earlier years (occasional pegging, bondage, spanking) to now very conservative. She shuts down like a clam at the first word describing anything sex related. She has a zero communication policy and outright hates it if I ever want to speak of something sex related. She also doesn't remember that we used to do more exciting stuff. She swears she never spanked me (only happened a few times) etc. It makes things very difficult.

Not sure what you mean by my thing that accompanies chastity. I could be involved in anything (I would love to explore the kink world) but I don't broach those subjects with her because of what I said above. For now it is pure vanilla at her pace. One of the things she really likes about MC is the lack of pressure from me to have fun. I am very HL and she is no libido. So me constantly asking was suffocating her.

 

She may think this is a way for you to reintroduce the kink. Hence the clamming up. Denial is so intense (and I'm so sensitive) I don't need the kink anymore. Assure her this is not that. It is a way of connecting without the kink. Once you stop masturbation and pornhub, a lot of the kink can drop away.

 

why not ask her what she thinks she has, suggest what more she could ask for she may have no or only a limited idea

Ask her what more you could do for her and to be clear how she would like what to done.

Yes she controls your access to your penis by holding your key. Is she really aware of all the possibilities open to her, and which have you offered?

 

Yes - and taking full advantage of it and me

Full advantage from whose point of view?

She may not consider “Full Advantage” to be as extreme as most males might wish for.

 

My wife likes that I can't self satisfy but outside of that she's not really into it