Dominance as compensation

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Lyriseitia, Apr 30, 2020.

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  1. Lyriseitia
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    Hi all,

    I realized that I am naturally a dominant person. However, with my partner, it is a bit difficult. My true wish for dominance with him is not inherent, it is because my partner is quite a dominant person himself and I want to compensate for that. For example, I truly despise when he is smirking at me claiming I have no control over him. I feel like I want to punish him for daring to smirk at me and show him his place. Hence we opted for me being his KH and controlling our sex life for the longest time. But most recently we stopped because he started bothering me telling me too many times how horny he is, despite me forbidding him to do so. And well, almost everytime he got release, it ended in a break up because of the sub drop or whatever. For now, he is free again, but I realized I do not like that, either. I just cannot decide what bothers me more: him telling me too often that he is horny or him smirking at me telling me I have no power. I know I do not manage to express my feelings clearly, but maybe someone already went through this and can give me some advice. Thanks in advance.

    Lyriseitia
     
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  2. Miffy
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    Miffy Long term member

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    Call his bluff-refuse to play the game-the game is off-he should be caged and then probably caned
     
  3. MissyB
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    As an outsider and a submissive, it sounds like he and more importantly, You are better off when he is caged. His attitude when free led you to chastity in the first place. If the only problem when you hold the key, is his whining about being horny, be direct and firm. Tell him every day you hear that, will be another day before he is released.
     
  4. PeturKitty 58
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    PeturKitty 58 Long term member

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    He's acting out hoping you'll discipline him. Tie him down so he can't move and give him a disipline session he won't soon forget. A round with the strap on wouldn't hurt either. Your tone and the way you speak to him is key as well. If you want to be the leader than lead.
     
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  5. buildup
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    buildup Long term member

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    What's the longest he's been without release?
     
  6. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    Is he topping from the bottom by trying to force a reaction from you and have you punish him? In which case, the worst thing you can do is comply, because that will reinforce his behaviour and make him do it again (and again).

    Make sure you really are in charge of this relationship.

    Good luck, I genuinely wish you well.
     
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  7. Eve
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    Eve Long term member

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    Everyone makes good points. I for one do things to try my wife's patients so she will be more controlling. So yes take charge and stay in charge. There is an old saying.:
    Lead Follow or get out of the way
    He wants you to lead so he can follow so put ur foot down
     
  8. hardbodysub
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    hardbodysub BrokeTheMold

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    I agree. If it appears that he's being bratty, virtually topping from the bottom, why not try giving him more than he was looking for, and he'll think twice about trying to run the show again.

    And I don't mean to imply that this is the "correct" thing to do. It's just an idea, YMMV.
     
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  9. Lyriseitia
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    Like two weeks
     
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  10. Lyriseitia
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    thank you, that's really kind.
     
  11. Lyriseitia
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    Thanks you all for your replies. I feel like he is treating me like shit since he got released, and it is truly making me doubt many things. I guess if this relationship is supposed to work, he needs to be caged.
     
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  12. buildup
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    Longer than two weeks is needed to bring him to heel
     
  13. locked_top
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    locked_top Caged tiger

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    Sometimes two people don't have compatible kink styles, even if they have compatible kink roles.
     
  14. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Long term member

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    Put your foot DOWN.
    YOU are in charge, not him.

    Any disobedience must be delt with swiftly and harshly.

    Any undesirable behavior must be corrected and needs to leave an emotional impact so that he remembers what happened last time he displayed his inappropriate behaviors.
     
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  15. locked_top
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    locked_top Caged tiger

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    Or maybe he'll just leave.
     
  16. Freaky Rabbit
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    When you tell this to your partner, what does he say?
     
  17. Mrloched
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    Both sit down together and make a list of the things each of you want. Then screw up his list in front if him. Put the screwed up list in his mouth. Tell him it is to keep him quiet. Then go through your list together.

    Seriously though he probably just wants you to beat 7 bells of shit out of him but is afraid to ask.

    When I first started playing with handcuffs I quickly found the ones with quick release arnt fun. Even though they look the part mentaly I know I can open them. If you give him a real beating, mentaly he knows he is under your control.
     
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  18. Draconyx
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    cage him. Whenever he bothers you by telling you he is horny, extend his time. make it clear that you decide when it happens... not him
     
  19. Anonoman
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    Anonoman Long term member

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    I think as others have said, he’s pushing to find out where the boundaries are... children do this all the time; it’s reassuring for them to know that they exist, are consistently and fairly applies and enforced.
    Also, may I also add, often if my wife isn’t interacting with me on a sexual level, I’d be inclined to negatively attention seek...
    I’d love to know a boundary existed and there was a consequence for pushing it but I don’t think it does.
     
  20. Lyriseitia
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    or that.
     
  21. Lyriseitia
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    Sometimes he agrees, sometimes he doesn't. It really depends on when I ask him because even if I refer to the very same event, his opinion changes.
     
  22. MouseTee
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    MouseTee Long term member

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    Lyriseitia, to me it seems that you're relation is rather out balance. Dom and sub can only work - for my opinion - in a relation that's in balance.

    Good luck and hopefully your treatments will have a long term positive effect on him.
     
  23. BR_Saiph
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    BR_Saiph Self-published author

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    "Both sit down together and make a list of the things each of you want. Then screw up his list in front if him. Put the screwed up list in his mouth. Tell him it is to keep him quiet. Then go through your list together."

    That's perfect.
     
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  24. MRS.Lilith
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    MRS.Lilith Kitchen Mistress
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    If he's a dominant, and you are too, why are you trying to dominate each other? This sounds like a power struggle in your relationship.
    I think you're probably not a good match, and of course he's 'acting out' if he's a dominant. I would look for a submissive partner if you want to be dominant. This is not going to work.
     
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  25. cogman
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    I would suggest the following.

    Explain to him that you don't like him telling you how horny he is, and that he has to think of some other activity related to DS that might help placate him OTHER than let him out of the cage. Being released from the cage must be done at a time of your choosing not his.

    For me Mistress just knows when i am horny and it pressures her as well which i know she doesnt like. She will sometimes give me a choice between getting the strap on, or the paddle in various different ways. More rarely she will let me out to edge, and that normally just makes me more horny, sometimes she will put an elastrator ring on my balls just to amp it up a bit.

    For us these other activities are an alternative to sexual relief, its more sexual attention.

    I dont know why but the paddle seems to relieve me of hornyness the most, The strapon usually leaves me horny and yet sated at the same time, and yet Ill usually choose the strapon lol

    That said Id say my average time without cumming is about 10 days which is about the same amount of times Mistress likes to as well. If she bribed me with letting me bury my face where it loves to be then I could be easily incentivized to go much much longer.
     
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