Wants the FLR but often forgets his place

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Mistress ComDom, Mar 6, 2023.

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  1. Mistress ComDom
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    My husband and I are still new to this and we are both very busy people, to say the least, but I find he often forgets his place. I feel like I have grown into my role pretty well and I'm firmly on board, but it can still be a struggle to follow through sometimes with all that is going on in life. I think anyone who has talked to me on CM knows that I'm not very hardcore but I do expect to be obeyed. Why is it that these men want the lifestyle but when they get it they just complain a lot? I have found myself having to crack down more lately to combat this. I feel like a lot of men want to have fun with it because it is their fantasy but they alway want to have their cake and eat it too. Clearly this must be trained out of them! It definitely takes a firm hand and some patience. We do a weekly maintenance spanking and after talking to another Dom we started a weekly check in on what could be done better. I would like to see if there are any other suggestions out there. Like I said we are both very busy people and I want to find something that is sustainable.
     
  2. SlaveBoy73
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    SlaveBoy73 Long term member

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    You're absolutely right.

    If he wants the lifestyle, and he asks for the lifestyle, then he gets the lifestyle no complaints.

    He should have been careful what he wished for.

    Tell him that. With love.
     
  3. BigWoodsmanLittleWood
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    BigWoodsmanLittleWood Active member

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    You’re absolutely right. He needs to be trained. The complaining and forgetting his place is possibly because he doesn’t respect your authority yet.

    I’ve struggled with the same issues. But I’m learning fast. @Gloria88 has been showing me lately that she’s the boss and she’s not fucking around anymore. I’m starting to see her dominance and realizing she means business.

    There are things I don’t say / ask anymore. Like if she will take off the cage. She’s teaching me by being firm and strict. She’s starting to rule with an iron fist. She’s in charge and I must obey or suffer the consequences.

    Good luck. You deserve to be obeyed.
     
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  4. WWSUB
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    I think a lot of us don’t really know what we’re asking for or exactly what we want when we ask our female partners for this lifestyle. There’s a big learning curve for both partners especially if you’re starting out with little to no experience with this. Took me a long time to find and learn my place even though I thought I knew. Thank god my wife is a patient person and she could see the overall benefits for herself and to our relationship. She, like you is not a hardcore domme but she knows she in charge and I am eager to obey her. I needed to get over my selfishness for sex and my ego before I really started to feel contentment in my submission to her. It took me a while to get there but its a growing and ever learning process. Stay firm with him and don’t back down, over time your dominance will become natural for him and he will get his butt into gear more quickly.
     
  5. Her_good_boy
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    Her_good_boy Evolving sub husband

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    #5 Her_good_boy, Mar 6, 2023
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2023
    OP, does or has your hubby ever watched domme/sub porn? Because if so, that could be warping his sense of what actual D/s is. His 'submission' kicks into gear in the bedroom, but not in the day to day activities ( like telling him to wash the dishes or something like that). If this is the case then his brain does need reprogramming from the 'fantasy' aspects of D/s and molded into what you want from him. And if he recoils from that, he may not actually be interested in true submission.
     
  6. Disciplined Boyfriend
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    Well first most you've used the word "want". "He wants". Your word is "no" surely.

    Teach him phrases such as "I would like", "can we discuss?" , " How do you feel about..."

    A
     
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  7. King Hippo
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    King Hippo Long term member

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    All about setting up good communication & boundaries. Sometimes it is hard, to be honest about what you want and sometimes it is hard to know what you really want. It can definitely help make or break a relationship, that's for sure.
     
  8. TangoSub
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    For me I can say it isnt a lifestyle I could just say "lets do something different" or go back some previous dynamic with my Mistress/wife. She didnt start out to be a dominant nor was this necessarily a FLR by any stretch when we first got together.

    I realized over time I just wanted to be in this role to be for her. Mistress has taken on the FLR in our life together now I think more so because I want to be her submissive for her not for me. I always place her needs first. Chastity is "assurance" her sexual needs will always come before mine and only then if she (and KH) allow any.

    I wont deny the feminine / sissy side embraces my place in our relationship. But if that wasnt something Mistress was happy with, I wouldnt do it. I certainly dont purposely try to agitate Mistress (or KH) just to get attention and discipline. Sametime I know the discipline through punishments and task are necessary for boundaries and behavior. There never needs to be a reason though for either because that is what I expect.

    I do all my chores daily...everything Mistress doesn't want to do (she likes to cook and a few other things). I will wash her hair, or bath her, what ever she wishes but I only do if she asks because sometimes a sub can be too much too for a Mistress. I give her space when ever she wants. Better said she determines the "space" between us and that's good to be because that makes here happy too.
     
  9. Mistress ComDom
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    No, he doesn’t watch porn at all he knows I would never put up with that even before chastity. He is just used to being in charge in all areas of life and I think it’s easy to back slide. Like I said we are both extremely busy. Since we’ve started he is much better than he used to be but I would say things just aren’t always consistent.
     
  10. Mistress ComDom
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    I informed him today that things are going to tighten up around here. He has the motivation I think I just need to be more purposeful with my words and actions to reinforce his motivation. For those that don’t know we have 5 kids so it can be a bit tricky with so many eyes and ears.
     
  11. WWSUB
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    Understood… it’s hard enough with 2 kids :)
     
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  12. Her_good_boy
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    Her_good_boy Evolving sub husband

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    I see. Perhaps you could institute a few daily reinforcement protocols, that may help with the consistency.
     
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  13. Queens servant73
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    I’ll say it may just be something that takes more time possibly, more than an attitude adjustment. Obviously you’ll know the situation best, and being his Keyholder you’ll do what’s best for both of you. I’m just saying this for another possible viewpoint, in our relationship, I’ve fantasized about being dominated by a woman sexually since I hit puberty lol. We got married at 18 and for the first 28 years of marriage I was the sexually dominant one, and then we found the cage and wanted to try something different. So while I had a pretty easy switch to being submissive and we found out my Wife really enjoys being dominant, I still occasionally slip up. It was worse at first just out of habit and thinking I was helping her find dominance, but even into our 4th year now, I’ll get pouty once in a while when I have expectations of play time or something like
    that. I apologize because I realize it now, and she’ll give me a punishment for it.
    But it’s not that I’m trying to take over or top from the bottom or anything, it’s just I’m still learning my new place.
    One new thing my Wife started which I find extremely humbling, embarrassing and I’m terrified of being caught as we have an older teen still at home….is she’s made me start wearing lace panties to sleep in. It absolutely removes any feeling of being in charge or “alpha” or whatever label you’d prefer! I thought I felt submissive before, it’s put me to a whole new level. I never thought she’d do that, neither of us have any interest in cross dressing or feminization at all, it just doesn’t trip our triggers. But she found a way to humiliate me in a constructive and private way that hits hard.

    Maybe your husband has something you can use against him like that.
     
  14. Headtrip
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    Can I suggest that maybe he is testing you, wanting to see your control? For some men that is part of the fantasy.

    You don't need to take the bait, or you can take just as much as you have fun with, it is your choice, right?

    Think of things he really doesn't like (even if that is being OUT of the cage because he may actually want the spankings) and institute those when he acts up.

    We have used an app called "Obedience" where she can assign me tasks or keep score remotely, which works with a busy schedule (except it is one more thing to do, so I find we use it on and off).

    Sounds like you have a good attitude and will find a way to reign him in (and I bet he will love it when you do).

    Good luck!
     
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  15. TangoSub
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    I wish you the best Mistress ComDom You have your hands full with 5 kids and handling your husband/Sub. I hope your husband/Sub realizes this is not something can be half in on . When he commits fully everyone will be better for it. Whatever he was looking for in the new relationship model isnt something you can easily walk away from IMO.
     
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  16. Mistress ComDom
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    Thanks! We do use the obedience app but like you it is hit and miss sometimes.
     
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  17. starflyer
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    I think you are doing great and he should be grateful, you just need to be a little more assertive with him it will come in time,.... you're doing great !
     
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  18. Caged for life
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    I believe that your husband is much like myself, we definitely want this but have no idea what we really want because we have never done it before, if you're patient and strong you will retrain his way of thinking for sure.
    I myself like that my wife has the keys to my manhood but not sure I want to go long periods of time without orgasms longest I've ever been locked was 10 days and honestly I don't want to go past that to be honest
     
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  19. SubSnuggler
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    The worst punishment for a sub is to withdraw the kink.

    I had these episodes for a couple of years starting out. My Wife finally told me, yield, and yield permanently, or our FLR is over. I knew she was serious, and that she would test me.

    That day eventually came. We had a fight, and she determined I was in the wrong, and I would be punished for it. The punishment was severe.

    I could take it...and with that act I would irrevocably be a submissive husband from then on, OR I could refuse and lose my FLR forever. I had worked so hard to prove to her I could submit. To lose that and never get it back was a step I was unwilling to take.

    So I accepted the punishment, even though I disagreed with it. And ever since, I've learned that I must bend the knee or bend over the knee, whichever she prefers and there is simply no changing that fact. Ever.

    I've also learned that she's near universally right, and that she won't abuse me. But she will correct me.
     
  20. asastype
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    asastype Service sub to Mistress AMA

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    @Mistress ComDom, i feel like it is the sub's responsibility to follow through and actually submit to his Domme without complaint. A Domme's firm hand is a welcome aid to his submission but just knowing what the Domme wants should be enough to ensure his compliance.

    In our 20+ years of my FLR dynamic with my Domina, @MistressAMA, we've used bondage and maintenance spankings as a way to mutually affirm the power dynamic between us but not as a way to enforce it. That is up to me to submit to Her will.

    Best of luck to You!!

    asa
     
  21. boo
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    Ms. Scarlet's blog today was good. She is strict but i feel her philosphy has great worth to Domme and sub alike
     
  22. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    You didn’t really mention what kind of infraction he was guilty of.

    A bit of sass talk at our house usually comes with a playful warning about a paddling, if I push it further I’d probably get that paddling.

    If it was a more serious infraction such as sneaking a wank, she has told me I’d be locked for at least a year if I did that. She doesn’t have a physical need for the cage contents, so not a bluff at all.

    If it’s chores or responsibilities, I would think an end of the week tally followed by an equally harsh padding for each missed duty.

    For the most part my wife just has to mention that I’m slipping, and that makes me turn up my effort a lot.
     
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  23. Mistress ComDom
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    Funny you say this because I mentioned ending FLR last night and he definitely didn't like hearing that. I think we are back on track!
     
  24. SubDee
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    It’s a crazy thing.
    When I’m in the cage I will serve my Wife at her beck and call.
    When I’m not caged, all bets are off.
    I’m going to talk shit, jerk off, try to fuck her, whatever it takes to get my dick off.
    The second the cage goes on, my attitude changes.
    It’s so strange. It doesn’t make any sense at all.
    But we both prefer me in the cage now.
    I was just out for 10 days, probably my longest stretch of freedom in a year. Probably 7 of those days I was wishing I was locked.
    Eventually, She made me beg Her to lock me back up.
    And now when I want out, She just points to the fact that I begged for it.
    Some days are harder than others
     
  25. Mistress ComDom
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    There is no wanking infractions. That is always in check. It is more just sass and not keeping up with chores.
     
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