I first introduced some of my chastity and denial kink to my wife, M, about 15 years ago. Of course, she found it odd. We played to different levels over many years, so she has some exposure to many elements of orgasm denial, chastity, domination, light bondage, etc. Her acceptance of it has grown slowly. That’s enough backstory. I wanted to play again and wrote out a fantasy document that would deny me while giving her some leeway in how things would be. It required a longer period of denial than usual since when left up to M, the time between orgasms is not very challenging (she likes to feel me in her and she likes to experience me having pleasure). We have travel plans this fall, so I wanted to have this “game” begin after them or in the New Year. I told her about this “gift” I sought, and she asked me to tell her the details of it. I told her I considered it her gift to me because I knew that it required some sacrifices on her part with which she might not feel comfortable. After hearing all the details, she said she wanted to start now. Unlike many here, I find hypnosis to be extremely effective. I have used it before in our play and am currently using it now. M has control over they if, when, and how of my sexuality. This allows her to have as much sexual involvement with my body as she desires without my sexual release. Something mentally has changed for her, and it has resulted in mental changes for me, too. These changes are the main element to our story. Change in M #1: She absolutely wants to take charge of my sexuality this time. She also does not want and ending time set for the “game”. Her level of domination has significantly increased. And her level of investment has provoked massive unexpected changes mentally for me. She has experienced benefits from my denial in the past and believes them to be our future. Change in me #1: I feel like a dog (in a good way). I want to meet her at the door. I need to give her attention. I need her attention. I am not sure I have ever felt this way in our relationship before. She has enjoyed this attention aspect of denial in the past, but my experience of it was more like I was chasing an orgasm rather than as it is now: I am chasing her. I just want to sit at her feet and hump her leg. Change in me #2: M had a coffee appointment with a male friend. This happens regularly and has never meant anything to me at all. But this time I had a hint of jealousy (because of time, not because of anything else). I miss her presence so much more now. Change in me #3: I had a brief moment of fear. Giving up sexual control *permanently* is frightening. I feels permanent this time since she has no desire for there to be an endgame stipulation, and has said things to that effect. She is strong willed and, if she expects to keep this going, I would be wise to adapt. My biological male urges for procreation are no longer in my hands. It is the first time I have ever needed to feel safe in this type of play. I had to do some self-hypnosis with the trigger “you’re safe” to calm myself. I told M about this fear and my need to hear that. I hope to have her practice hypnosis on me for this and other things. Change in M #2: M asked to do something that was not part of the “game” (i.e. not sexual). I balked. She looked at me a bit sternly and said, “I command you to …” and left the room. I came up behind her and put my arms around her and asked her if she was shifting the rules of the game beyond our sexual play. She said that if I did not obey all the time that it didn’t feel like she was really in control. Needless to say, I did what she asked. There was no way I was going to shut anything down for her or for me. I am still offering her feedback and suggestions through this but not to tell her what to do. Rather, it is to inform. I have told her about all the mental changes listed above. She loves it. I have also told her that it is best to refrain (for now) from some sexual practices that allow me to experience my dominant habits (e.g. I should not be on top physically). This will become her choice over time, but I had something happen that bumped me out of that submissive, dog-like mindset that I’ve been in and prefer not to allow that to happen again. I hope to find ways to encourage re-entrance to that state if needed. I never expected my reactions to be what they have been. They have never been like this before. My mental state is a reaction to M’s wholehearted participation.
Well, she sure learned her lesson of asking me to do something. This morning after her orgasm, she told me my "assignment" was to wash the sheets today.
After putting the clean sheets on the bed, I texted her, "You bed has been refreshed." This morning she verbally moved to the "I don't care if you orgasm" stage of our relationship. She smiled as she said that. To some degree I know she is teasing me. I guess the next stop is her active opposition to them.
2023-08-13 Last night we read the first page of The Secret to a Happy Marriage together. We talked about each section noting similarities to ourselves. I think my attempts at chastity in the past were ineffective because I wasn’t completely honest with myself or M at the time. Certainly I knew that masturbation diminished our relationship, and I think I was seeking her help with it. However, I never said it that way. I presented it without the confession that my sexual urges were too strong for one person to control. Had I been able to do that, it may have been easier for M to understand and to accept what I was proposing. Clearly that is at least a portion of what I desire. I need her to be dominant enough to say No. And I have strong compulsion for her to physically discipline me if I masturbate. But I have also wanted a way out of it all at some point. That was fear based on experiences of neglect during long periods of denial. The love making we have experienced during forays into chastity have been wonderful. But our closeness this time far exceeds anything we’ve ever had before. We are both a bit nervous about finding the balance that maintains where we are when we know that the stresses of life have choked out our time for each other in the past. Neither of us desire a female led relationship or constant denial. Rather, we want chastity to enhance what we have. This will require constant reflection on my physical and mental state to balance my periodic release with maintaining strong sexual desire which I know waxes and wanes throughout the year. One size does not fit all the time. And it requires me to be vigilant in maintaining a mentally submissive position. An initial long period of denial will help cement this. But I also need the verbal and visual clues to be there. Last night I asked her to sit up over me while I was laying in bed so that I could look at her. She immediately complied, but then said, “No!” and move off of me. She told me to sit up on her, which I obediently did. I explained that the reason I had asked her to be in that position was because to me it is the dominant position, but it was good for her to do what she wanted. After a couple of minutes she sat up over me. Communication and practice will help us with this. I’ve explained that in the past I have felt that I always had to “top from the bottom” because I did not sense her buy in to what was happening. Now I am making in clear that I have no intention to do that, but I want to express to her what is happening within me to help her gain an advantage in promoting a submissive mind space for me. Almost all our past times with chastity ended with a set time or with me moving into a dominant position sexually (which she allowed). Being so much more aware of this makes me want to guard against it whenever I can identify patterns that need rewiring. I make so much of this sound very technical, but I am very analytical. The truth is I am very excited and am happier than I have been in years. I would do anything to continue to enhance this state right now.
Well, we’ve continued our adventures. We make time each day to read more from happy-marriage. Which leads to love making and an orgasm for M. Although I think that site is an excellent introduction to chastity, it doesn’t align 100% with me. But M has really taken some of the ideas to heart that go a little beyond where I want to be right now. For example, she really found encouragement regarding chastity cages. She went straight for having me locked up. And she is enamored by the minimum six month suggestion to try this out. For me, I prefer using the cage from time to time as a fun enhancement, but I prefer orgasm control to be without it. I have told M that piercing is the only true preventative, but even then a vibrator can lead to release. So ultimately, to some extent, most of us are on our honor. Anyway, two full days (wake up to bed time) were in the cage for me after she read about it. She has never taken it that seriously before. I would be in it again but physically I need a break (I did offer to do it if she really wanted me to). She told me I was a whiny puppy that needed to toughen up. I didn’t disagree. I’ve always fantasized about a piercing, and that seed has been planted in her head now. That level of control still makes me nervous it a bit of an erotic way. Mostly I want it to be free of the base ring situation. Personally I’d rather a severe punishment over wearing the cage, but that’s just me being whiny. Physical closeness to her without erections is not fun. I let her know that erection control alone results in an incredible sense of relief even without an orgasm. Anything I say will be used against me. I hope. But only for short terms. She noted that the chastity devices that I liked that required piercings all allowed erections. She didn’t know if she approved of that. I was kissing her feet and told her she was going to give me a foot fetish. Being horny allows the mind to be malleable to any fetish. She said she needed to have her toe nails done. I offered to do it. I don’t think she took me seriously until I repeated it later. She said it would look like a child’s coloring book. I told her that I would get better with practice. I’m really looking forward to it.
This morning I told M how happy I was giving her orgasms (another one last night), and how much I preferred this to me having an orgasm. She agreed that it was better and told me that I might not ever orgasm again. I don’t think that was merely teasing. I think it reveals her pleasure in the way things currently are. This present state is so desirable for both of us that we fear losing it to stresses, time, habits, etc. We are trying to be vigilant with containing it; and I, of course, am trying to log my feelings and changes in order to have a record for myself to recall and recapture this if needs be. A couple of days ago I let her know that if, after my (inevitable?) orgasm, I feel like I have moved a bit from my submissive state that it should come back after a few days. But, should she desire to hurry that along, she should employ activities that snap me back into line. I hope she takes seriously my suggestion for a spanking. She then had to go out and do errands. When she came home I told her I had two things to tell her. First, that my desire for an orgasm had gone up another point—to a two or three, I don’t know. But far from a ten. This got me back into the cage today while she is off to work. The second thing I told her was that I was not feeling right inside and put my hand over my abdomen. I told her I have the butterfly feelings that you get when you are in love. I never expected this to happen and am amazed by it. In some ways I am falling in love with another version of M, and she is falling in love with another version of me.
A few firsts last night. M put a collar a restraint on me that keeps my hands tight by my neck. What was a first was that it was her suggestion and the first time she did all of the locking. She did not remove my cage and I received a lot of sensual touching all over. I told her how much I loved it. Usually my genitals get all the touching (since they are my priority for touching). But since they were out of play I could really let her know how important feeling her hands everywhere was to me. Then I asked her to do some light tickling of me. That was thoroughly enjoyable. Until she started laughing evilly and ramped it beyond light. She enjoyed that more than I did (but I did enjoy it). Something came up (not me) and she had to leave the bedroom, but she left me locked up in there by myself for about 25 minutes (another first). After I was unlocked she still had to engage with others and before long I went to sleep (still wearing the cage). I woke up sometime later struggling against the cage and asked to have it removed, which she did. I am currently dealing with some sleep issues that we don’t want to interfere with right now, but I am confident that she will have me in the cage full time before long. Our cat woke us up a 4 a.m. and we couldn’t immediately get back to sleep so she decided she wanted to fool around. Highly unusual for her to initiate something like this in the night. This led to her mounting me in the dominant position (that I am currently no longer allowed to do) but without any penetration. She just pressed herself against me and forced me to spread my legs apart. I love being in this position. She told me that her puppy was in training and that I should get used to the cage since I had been bad enough and free enough for too long. Once she had had enough of grinding on me, I used a toy to give her an orgasm so we could relax and go to sleep. I do find her orgasms plenty relaxing for me to sleep. Long ago I used to get too excited to sleep, but we have done this often enough that her orgasm is enough for me. I even achieve that mental state that I get after my own orgasm where I feel very relaxed (even without my own orgasm). I don’t have any issues falling asleep without having one. Perhaps with some extreme edging I wouldn’t be so lucky, so I would prefer not to do that right before bedtime. M has really taken the idea that I am in training seriously. I want orgasm control but now she has taken to the idea of erection control as well. I am far more hesitant about that but will submit to what she thinks is best for us. Of course, her complete control of my penis is the erotic fantasy for me—but I moved into that fearful mind state again with regard to complete loss of erections. I am not ready for a lifetime of extremely limited genital pleasure.
Yesterday M and I spent the day together shopping. We were looking for new undergarments for her. Of course that was fun. Then she decided on a shirt for me. It was not my usual color scheme and I told her I didn’t care for it. She told me she did like it and to go put it on. In that voice. So I took the shirt and, as I was going off to the dressing room, she leaned in and whispered in my ear, “Get in touch with your feminine side.” I melted. She loved the shirt on me, and I asked if she would be the one who purchased it as well. She didn’t hesitate. The day was full of happiness and revelations.
This morning after morning cuddles, I painted M's toenails for the first time. She was apprehensive whether I had the talent to achieve this, but the result wasn't too bad. She suggested mine might be done during our upcoming family reunion if everyone is doing it for a painting party. Public displays like this are difficult to imagine, but I said I would do whatever she asked.
I am surprised at how rapidly M changed. Obviously ten plus years is not rapid. This last event seems more like a “tipping point”. One might map out all the slow developments over the years that led to this, such as her exposure to chastity, willingness to extend time between orgasms, acceptance of orgasms for her without one for me etc. All of those little changes—and then this willingness and understanding of her dominant role and my desire for her to have it. On top of that, our reading and discussing the happy marriage website further broadened her understanding of the benefits to both of us. She wasted no time adopting a dominant stance in the bedroom and light amounts outside of it (which seem to grow a little bit each day). I love the submissive place that carves out for me. I willingly concede to her will. That is a bit surprising to me as well. Neither of us are pushovers. That leads me to a longer and more fragile point that I have been considering writing about the last few days.
I know where I believed my desires for chastity play came from and where my limits were, but now I am not sure. The freedom to be in this submissive space has drawn up memories and desires, and I weigh them against the many comments found throughout this forum. Clearly men attracted to chastity play have a spectrum of desires toward submission, and I even suggest a strong feminine side. I’m not sure I would have admitted to that even a few weeks ago (perhaps mere days). I sought chastity play to scratch an “itch” that would not go away. But for the first time, as I truly experienced the submissive space as outlined in this thread, some truths about myself had to be acknowledged. First, orgasm control flows from something deeper within me than just “horniness”. Obviously masturbation hinders so much closeness within marriage, but it also can result in feeling guilty. I recognize that my desires for M to control me were a cry for help in an area of life that I could not control on my own, and not just regarding masturbation. I could not control how even an orgasm could make me feel depending on stress and the time of the year. Sometimes there was no effect and our sexual connection was wonderful. Other times it made me resentful, unhappy, and irritable. And so our relationship waxed and waned based on something I struggled to manage both mentally and physically. I shared all of this with M, and she could agree that much of the blame lay with me. It was like we were each in our own circle of life wanting the other to make the right connection—her wanting me outside the bedroom and me wanting her inside the bedroom—and unable to always be on the right frequency. Second, during this current deep connection with M, I discovered that I no longer even wanted an orgasm. I sought to live in that aroused state and did find it. However, I found something even better than than that. An orgasm now could possibly work against my submissive state that has bloomed a second honeymoon within my heart. So I had an active desire not to have it. But more than that, my sexual desires changed. She cannot even tease me saying I won’t have an orgasm because I don’t even want one. I am confident that my physical desires will continue to shift around, but this is where I am today. We cuddle and even have sex in all manner of positions hours a day. So that made me keep thinking that something else was afoot. That brings me back to the topic of this post: what is truly the source of my chastity desires? I think the characteristics of maleness that I generally exhibit are not completely natural to me. I am strongly attracted to women (and only women), but I have a strong feminine side that had to be kept secret because of cultural reasons where maleness and femaleness are wrongly and unfairly associated with certain behaviors and attributes. Without going into personal details, suffice it to say that my fantasy life is filled with all manner of gender bending. And my desires for pretty clothing were a closely held secret. There is more, but these are ideas that reach back to my childhood (as does chastity). So, to be completely honest with myself, I had to recognize that this submissive side of me is in truth a “feminine” side of me. There has always been two people living inside of me. The masculine and the feminine. The calm, sensitive side has rarely been seen. It was contained and held in check by the masculine side. And this is the source of the sexual conflict. The masculine side has one set of desires and the feminine another. For the feminine traits to surface, I needed to enter a submissive state of mind. This is the side of me that I love the most and makes me the most happy. I have lived in this state in the past, but without understanding how it surfaced. I would give up so much to remain like this. This conflict—and the above mentioned guilt—has caused resentment to my physical body at times. Desires for pain against my genitals is a form of self harm and punishment for unwanted sexual desires. Desires for chastity is a control and minimalization of them. Disappointment of being “ugly” when wearing pretty clothes. So last night was tough. Although I hinted at some of these ideas previously, I expressed to M in detail several of the evidences I allude to above. It was frightening to be so open about something so unacceptable to our culture in general. M was visibly upset which made me terrible sorry for sharing it with her. But her concern was not about her love for me. It was just having to come to terms with the man before her that she knew and loved for decades. We embraced for a long time until I finally let her go to sleep. I slept only briefly before I had to abandon lying in bed with thoughts I didn’t want to have. This morning when I was confident she was awake I went in to her. As always, I was burning with desire to be with her. And everything was a fine as it was before. I know she will have to spend more time thinking about what I told her. Thankfully, there isn’t anything else hidden (that I know of). All I want out of life now is to find the balancing point between my masculine and feminine aspects so we can continue forward in our newfound love. M is on her honeymoon with the other side of me and she loves it (mostly). I feel like I’m on a path to becoming a whole person.