We have one failed attempt at FLR. It lasted a few months. She absolutely loved me obeying her and doing everything for her. But she struggled to be dominant. She declared several times that it's just not in her. That created a one-sided FLR that just fizzled out. Now with the introduction of male chastity, she's really into it again. She loves the device, it turns her on, and she wants me to be her slave. However, being in-charge and showing a little dominance doesn't come easy for her. If I suggest things, then she's reluctant to do them because it was my idea. But she's not coming up with any ideas on her own either. She won't read anything on the Internet. I bought her a male chastity book and at least she read a few chapters. I'm sure others have struggled with this. Any suggestions?
This is a common issue. One of the hard parts is communicating turn ons without pushing them on a partner which feels wrong for both sides. What I usually suggest is making a list of things you may want to explore or turn you on. This is a general list and not meant to be specific. For example, you could mention foot worship, but wouldn’t add... and then I lick your feet every day when you get home from work. You could mention discipline, but wouldn’t mention...and you spank me with a paddle until I beg for mercy whenever I displease you. Tell her all the things that turns your gears, then leave it up to her to explore them, if and when she wants. To me, this is the closest you can get to helping, without actually telling her what to do.
I imagine it is a fine line to walk. But i'd take heart that the chastity seems to be something she likes. Is she willing to tell you what else makes her excited? The email suggestion by @Nicoftime is excellent idea. That would tell her more about your general desires and let her pick and choose if any meet up with her interests. But one thing you need to consider is whether you can accept a FLR designed on her needs, more than yours. In any case, good luck and enjoy.
Have you tried to find her a mentor in the lifestyle? When I first entered the lifestyle I took it upon myself to read and devour everything I could lay my hands on. Then I ventured out to Munches to seek out some sort of in-person help, then I made friends and went to events where I met other Dominant Females and the rest is history. It's not for everyone, some people want to keep this lifestyle quiet and personal, so seeking a mentor online (especially given the pandemic) might be the best way to go. There are online Munches and discussion groups, and you're more than welcome to message me if you are not sure where to look.
Great advice, thank you! I read somewhere that I should just be submissive until she learns to be dominant. In other words, just by me being submissive to her will help her figure out what to do on her own. I can do that for awhile, but eventually I run out of steam. I end up like today where I didn't even bother putting on my cage because she hasn't shown much interest in the last few days.
That sounds really good. I know what works for her, and reading on her own is not the best way. She's very people-oriented and loves being around women. If she connected with other dominant women, that would work so much better.
Just be honest and communicate & expect her to be honest and communicate. You might find some things out if you are BOTH open & honest.
A mentor or a friend in the lifestyle is a great idea. I've been trying to find one for my Wife for a while. My Wife has a best friend that is remarkably dominant, to the degree that her friend not only firmly lives in a WLM, she dominates her own mother and her sisters as well. She runs the family in all respects. However there is no BDSM or kinky component at all- in fact just the opposite. Her friend confesses that she dislikes sex with her husband and the marriage bed is dead. I've been trying to get my Wife to introduce chastity to her friend, but it's a no go. They are quite close, they even tell each other they love each other, but discussing our style of FLR is apparently off the table. One day at a beach vacation the friend is staring at my anklet and shaved legs and says she always thought it looked like a GPS monitoring bracelet. I sure wanted to tell her the real story but I just mumbled something stupid and let it drop.
That is the 64 million $ question! My wife doesnt believe anything on the Net, she finds the self help books pompous, she imagines "being dominant" as dressed and talking vulgar... too much social conditioning. But she IS naturally dominant. So the more I do for her and submit to putting her first, the more she EXPECTS it and becomes more demanding. She says she does not want to command me, but she agrees that she should make all the decisions. But I understand that there are moments that she is not involved with the cage and I get frustrated and would like to take it off and rub one out in my corner...but that’s why she no longer lets me know where the key is. And then she re-engages and I feel so happy locked and loaded.
That is a big part of it. If you don't act submissive, all of the time, she'll not be able to take on the dominant role. If you do act submissively, then it gives the space into which she can grow her dominance. To get to where you want to be, you both have to change. She's said she wants to make the decisions, so let her. There will be times when she appears to be "not paying attention". Turn them to your advantage. Instead of thinking "she's ignoring me", think "she's testing me, checking that I stay subservient even when she's choosing to not be dominant". If you instead come out of your submissive role, then you're resetting the dynamic between you, denying her her dominant position. The more you play your role, the more she'll be able to fill hers, and the happier you'll both be.
It was tough for my wife as well at first. I also bought some books and we decided to them together. She would read a chapter and then i would while we laid in bed. I was wearing my chastity belt. It helped doing that together. She would ask questions and so would I. She would also notice the swelling in my cage and say that it looks like that was something you liked... It all starts with a first step. Good luck!
I think it is pretty common to start and stop a number of times when establishing an FLR. This is very different dynamic than you are used to and goes against a lot of traditional gender roles. Try different things and see what works... exploring this is definitely part of the fun for both of you. Each time we take a break and restart we seem to go deeper and deeper to the point that the break seems to be the strange part. My wife read the Georgia Ivy Green books (which can seem a bit too fantastical but do get a conversation going). Open communication is the most important thing, IMHO, especially if things are not working well for one of you. Anyway, there is tons of advice on CM... just my 2 cents.
What does your wife want? I know, that's a huge question. But I'm hoping that you two have discussed it in general. What does she daydream or fantasize about? Do you have any ideas on how you can make some of these flights of fancy into reality, if she's game? Is there anything she's asked you to do that you haven't gotten around to yet? I've found that when guys have acted baffled about how to please me, I'm staring at them in return puzzlement because they've been sidestepping what I've asked of them for months or years. Getting what I want out of a relationship, out of a partner, out of life, does help to put me in a more dominant state of mind. Seeing someone at least actively start working on a request I've made shortly after I've made it does wonders. Having someone remember something about me when it's relevant is also great. Being second guessed, informed the the person doesn't feel like it, micromanaged, etc. does just the opposite. How much does a man have to change who he actually is during an MLR? Does he have to act more dominant to get his way? Why should a woman change her behavior. If this point is that she leads or has final say, then that suggests that her leadership style as she is is what's desired. Unless you and your wife negotiated the she was going to change her default behavior and / or demeanor 24 / 7 to suit this change, I'm unsure of what else to suggest. However, if she's holding up her end of what you two actually discussed when you agreed to this relationship, then ... my guess is that she's being dominant in her own way. If she's not meeting a specific agreement, then I recommend renegotiating the terms of that agreement into something that she's able to meet now, as she is.
Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to respond. I feel this is my fault and I am just not having enough patience with her. I can tell she is trying, but she just forgets sometimes. She did sign the 8-page contract I wrote. She said she loved it and wouldn't change a thing. So there's that. But then there are things like it took her 6 weeks to finally take away my chastity key. I was unlocking myself every time it got uncomfortable. Yesterday was my first day with no key and it feels very different. I'm really making an effort to be submissive, but without her dominance, I find myself slipping out of submission and falling back on old habits.
My beautiful kh/wife had the same problem at the beginning of our adventure. I would suggest things to her and she would shrug it off. The more I bugged her the more she lost interest. As for me I also was getting frustrated and started to loose interest in being dominated. So I backed off and continued to worship her especially when she gets home from work the best that I can do with out pressure. Our time together during the week are minimal with each other due to work. So I treasure every minute even if it only caters to her needs. As for blaming your self, stop step back and take a breath. All its going to do is discourage you. Give her time to figure out what she really wants and how she wants to proceed with dominating you. One day she may surprise the crap out of you (no pun intended). Good luck.
If someone isn't used to giving orders, then it's out of character, and people like to stay with what they know. So start there. If your wife might normally ask you for something, start with phrasing it as a command, not a request. Instead of "would you mind bringing me a glass of water," just change it a little bit to "bring me some water." Anything she might want, need or desire, she should simply tell you what it is, instead of asking. This simple function alters the dynamic of the request. It's no longer a request. Run my bath. Walk the dog. Take out the garbage. Wash the dishes. We play the jeopardy game where we simply phrase things as a question: What is the fastest land animal? (camel with its nuts slammed in a car door). What is water? What is...the game must be answered in the form of a question. Only the femdom game, the requests come in the form of telling, rather than asking. Simple, but a great start. In return, it's important to make sure that every command goes fulfilled. NEVER balk or refuse, and show enthusiasm at every one. Never hesitate. This encourages. This tells her she's doing well, and the feedback inspires more of the same. This can quickly become habit, and tradition in the home. Once there, you've got the foundation to go places.
It really sounds like you are trying to force this on her too hard. There are some good suggestions mentioned already, but what I feel you really need to do is let her take the lead...I mean, really take the lead! She may move at a snail's pace, but eventually she will come around. That's kind of what I did with my wife. You let her go at her own pace. Only give her suggestions when she asks for them, or if she gives you permission to offer suggestions. And if she says "no", let it go right there. Patience is key. Another very important thing is to really show her the benefits of being in charge. Start treating her like the Goddess that she is. When she shows flashes of dominance, make sure she is rewarded with good behavior on your part. Start doing the things she may not like to do, like chores, without being told. Buy her gifts for no reason. Give her orgasms without expecting anything in return. There are a million things you can do to make her life easier. Just show her that you are willing to commit to being submissive. And she will eventually commit to being dominant.
There's a sex therapist who talks about making 3 lists: Wants, Wills, and Won'ts. Both partners make their lists, then talk them through ... it was on a recent podcast I saw ...
Hello FLRcuck, As other have written, there are different ways to live an FLR. To me FLR means that it is a relationship where she is leading and I am accepting, if I can't live with her decisions I can take consequences and maybe quit the relationship but I shouldn't make her change. I truly think that if you let go and give her enough time you will feel how dominant she will be, even if she makes the decision that she isn't dominant in the way you want. It also dominant to say "I don't want to deal with this or make decision, You will (!) make a decision". In which areas are you missing her dominance? If you make her feel that it's really (!) about her needs and NOT about you fulfilling your submissive needs, she will very likely more free and open to let her dominant side out. Additionally I think there must be fun involved, and we often have a good laugh, when she's mentioning "I'll reach over and get the belt". Don't take it to seriously and treat her like a queen, the rest will very likely follow and even if she will not become the dominatrix you'd like her to become, you will very likely get the best out of your relationship. Feathers.sub