Help with wife/KH

My objections were similar to your wife's and DH's response was to give me non-sexual attention more than usual. It does take a while, though - if she has objections she may feel pressured into doing things your way. Giving her a chance to find out for herself is a good way to go because you can't force her into being dominant (that kind of defeats the purpose).

Try this: when you make love focus solely on her needs - ask her what she'd like from you and deliver as honestly and lovingly as possible. Tell her how her pleasure is your sole goal tonight; follow her lead. She might be reluctant to guide you at first but if you do exactly as she asks she might relax into it.

But, like I said, it's a hard paradigm to shift. It took us many years and we're still working on it but I feel much more at ease with the idea of having things my way.

And talk about the experience. Don't avoid discussions and don't top from the bottom - listen to what she has to say (even if at first it might be 'yeah, I'm ok with it'). And don't force the issue - she needs to process things at her own speed.

Finally, be prepared to accept that she won't want to join you. If that's the case, respect her choice, don't retaliate or withdraw.

Have a look through this section of the forum and read the threads about vanilla wives - there's a lot of good advice about all the above points.

Good luck!

 

I think that some (probably most) women see a chastity cage as weird and extreme. Us wannabe locked up guys try to convince them by detailing how much power the situation gives them.

But... for many women, this power is a bit of a cheat. Like... Why don't you just be the man she wants you to be without some weird torture device? Maybe in their mind, they imagine that you might be that ideal man for some other woman without a cheat, and they want that, not power based on coercion, but an equal partnership based on love and shared goals. If a cheat is involved, it taints the whole relationship for them.

So.. I think that part of the way to address doubts like this is to present the cage as the right tool for the right person. It's her Excalibur, and she is your once and future queen. Nobody else can claim the keys. They are only for her. And you are desperate for your queen to accept you as her subject.

Excalibur was King Arthur's sword, that only he could remove from the stone. And being able to do so solidified his rightful position as king. So to extend the analogy, the cage/keys are hers and hers alone. Nobody else could use these tools. If anyone else had the keys, you wouldn't become their subject, you would pick the lock and be done with it. Only she can be your queen. And you want her to be your queen. You chose her for this role. It's power that she already has, you just want her to embrace that power by claiming, very symbolically, "ownership" of your manhood. She always has owned your manhood, but making the symbolic act of holding the keys is more about helping her understand how you feel about her, so that you can help her blossom into her role as your rightful queen. And again, you are desperate for your queen to accept you as her loyal subject. Her knight in shining armor.

This analogy clicked for my wife a little. She was already on the way, but slowly. I think this analogy helped her gain the confidence to grab a power a little faster than she would have.

 

What a great analogy!!! Thank you

 

Along with the other suggestions, I'd just reinforce need to communicate with her, listen and put her priorities first. If she's okay with you doing household chores, then do them. If she wants non-sexual attention, like back rubs, cuddling, pedicures, etc, then give it to her. But frame it her terms, so she knows that even if you desire it, ultimately it has to work for her to be real.

 

My wife objected the first time I brought chastity up to her. Neither of us really had a kink background except a few minor things we were into. My problem was I didn’t know how to explain why she was going to benefit from me being locked. I’d never actually locked up before so I didn’t really know how it’d honestly make me feel either, I just knew I liked the idea of it.

So if you’re like me and you’re struggling in your explanation to her as to the “why”, what I did was buy my wife a book about male chastity. The book I bought was simply titled Male Chastity and it was written by a Lucy Fairbourne. It was very down to earth without a lot of the more extreme kinks. Since our relationship was more on the vanilla side of things I didn’t want her to get overwhelmed by the content. Some of the other books I looked at were heavy on cuckolding, feminization, the more fantasy side etc...almost seemed more written for a guy. My wife was eager to read the book she when it arrived she went through it in 45 min and came out it our bedroom and said “we’re doing this” with enthusiasm. Maybe try and take that approach, buy her some literature that will help her understand chastity from both perspectives if you think she’s be receptive to read it. Here is the book my wife read, good luck!
https://m.barnesandnoble.com/w/male-chastity-lucy-fairbourne/1008937614

 

I totally agree with the view of @Abstraction on this! Go slowly and communicate, communicate, communicate! Without considerable open discussion, it is always difficult.

 

Women from vanilla backgrounds may not care to read a book about kinky chastity. Not yet, maybe later.

If you are serious about this life, for the next three weeks, everything you do needs to be about her. NOT you. Not even a little. No whining.

Do everything imaginable to make her happy, and make her life easier. Do it without being a pest. No kink, no kneeling, no foot worship, and above all else, do not call her mistress or goddess or anything else.

It’s about her. Be real, not phony. Women are highly tuned for phoniness.

Suck it up and do not expect recognition. She is wary. You need to prove this is more than just a fantasy of yours.

At this stage, power is not her main benefit. That may come later. It is all about making her happy.

What you have not described, is your goal. Are you a submissive wanting to serve? Or, are you looking for a bit of kinky play. Both are fine, but as you can tell from my suggestions above, pursuing submissiveness and perhaps service, is hard. If you succeed in convincing her, it may get harder than you imagine.

Knowing what you want, is very important. Once she is convinced chastity is to her benefit, it is out of your hands and there may not be a path back. There is a current thread about this, and the majority of women say they would not go back to vanilla.

Choose wisely.

 

OK - so, I too am 'new' to this experience. It all started a couple of years ago when i must have read something which piqued my interest and the more i read about it the more I wanted to 'give it a go'.
I first bought a plastic CB 3000, which I presented to my wife two years ago and although she put a brave face on the whole thing, it quickly became obvious that she was not into this lifestyle. We bought some books on the subject, which in reality put her off even more as some of them dealt with the more extreme end of the 'kink'. Lesson learnt from this is be extremely selective in what literature your wife reads - it may lead to the wrong impression entirely.
I managed to break the collar part of the cage and to be fair the manufacturer sent replacement parts with no quibbles. The dealer also sold me a steel cage at a large discount, but this proved very heavy to wear. I eventually bought the cage I now use from 'Toys4naughtyboys' in the UK and we gave it another go a couple of times - one or two days only - but the enthusiasm I was expecting from my wife was not there and it all ended up in the bottom drawer.
Our life changed a bit for the worse when my wife became quite ill (the big C) and all other things were put on hold. Recently, however, her 'mojo' seems to be recovering and last week the subject of male chastity came up and she agreed to try it again - remember this is now two years on with nothing inbetween.
Six days ago on went the cage and it is still on. I am now over the initial excitement and we have settled down into some normality now. My wife has experienced some very pleasurable oral experiences with no pressure to return any 'favours' over the last few days and we have chatted about how things now are in our marriage.
The next point to understand, as a few other folks have pointed out - is not to make a big deal about this new lifestyle as I found it just puts her off. All we want is to up our loving relationship a little and we do want a big D/s or other kinky lifestyle issues which just will put my wife off the whole thing as she may believe it all comes as a package.
I believe it will all come together over a period of time and it is now obvious to me that this experience cannot just be switched on. My wife and I are really enjoying my first week 'locked up' and hope it all goes well for you both.

 

@saltysam Great achievement for both of you!.

Chastity, mentally or caged, will improve the quality and intimacy of your relationship for sure. Conversations may become much more intensive, enjoyable and touching all kind of aspects that previously came across in your relationship in a pleasurable way.

I do recognise your experiences from “reading books” and confronting her with the cage. You may now want to discuss with her that you will give up own activities to reach sexual satisfaction and ask her to take over control of your pleasure and releases from now on. Such could be done with and without cage. Once she may accept, treat her like a Queen and soon she may consider that this new lifestyle isn’t that bad…

All the best and luck for both of you!

 

@Whitehoseman Very much agree with this as well!. You should start with set your goal and give up anything that satisfies yourself. I also intially failed by writting a letter to my Love about my desire and kink, ask her to read books I read myself and confronting her with a cage. Once having my goal set about my strong desire to improve our relationship into more deepness, intimacy and intensive love, I decided to give up masturbation and sexual self satisfaction. The latter helped me to direct all my attention to her and at a suitable moment I felt strong enough to ask her to take over full control of my orgasms. That question made her curious to consider to step on board, as she recognised my changed behaviour and there was no rush, no pressure, no confronting kink for her anymore. Now, 10 months later. my Love will not allow me anymore to decide about my own orgasms and she became definetly open to our new lifestyle.

 

@Whitehoseman you can pleasure your wife without oral. What does she like? Backrubs with careful touches to the sides of her breasts? Foot rubs while kissing her toes? Women have a ton of g-spots all over their bodies but all too often we put up with having just two (breasts and clitoris) because that's what everyone knows. Like you read here, it's not about what you want - chastity means focusing solely on your partner's desires and working hard to fulfil them. That's your reward.

As for 'stinking', it does take a lot of gumption to get over the fear of grossing your partner out. Don't force things - it's her lead, not yours.

 

@Whitehoseman have you told her it's not about sex, that you just wanted her to feel good?

 

Your relationship sounds very much like mine. I think that my wife just isn't that into sex. You would think that I would know after 15 years of marriage, but she doesn't really talk about it.

It's hard to explain to someone who isn't driven by sex just how much power a keyholder has. I mean... She goes without sex for a month or more by her choice. So in her mind, what exactly are you giving up? I mean, I like peanut butter, but if someone controlled my access to peanut butter, I don't think it would really change my life at all.

So I'm saying maybe that you need to start communicating just how much sex drives you. But somehow do it without her thinking that you are a pervert.

I came to chastity as maybe a way to make sex interesting again. My wife is very controlling about sex, so I figured I'd give her total control. But as shocking as it may seem, giving sexual control to a vanilla wife who isn't that interested in sex didn't turn her into a sex starved nympho. Who knew? I guess that I'm suggesting that you should set your sights on a more realistic goal. Try to alter your own perception of sex first. Make it hotter for yourself. Don't cheat the rules! Even if she holds the key by placing it on your keyring,,, it still belongs to her, so don't use it unless she tells you to.

If she is anything like my wife, she will ask you "when are you going to take that thing off?". You should answer that you intend to take it off only for sex with her. If she asks you to take it off, then take it off for a couple weeks, then ask if you can put it back on. Repeat the process with shorter breaks. Hopefully she will eventually ask you to put it on because she wants you to. Even so, don't expect her to tease you. This is a new thing. New relationship. She doesn't know what she is doing or what you want. She will be cautious. In other words, you have a long way to go before you get your fantasy, if ever. So be patient. You are asking her to be more confident.... You need to help that confidence by being more subservient for her. It's a role that you both will need to practice on. May as well start tonight.

 

@Whitehoseman obviously none of us know your situation or the relationship the two of you have. Sounds like she has some real hang ups about sex. My wife and I were at the point where we were only having sex once a month, this was right before chastity. I asked her what was going on and if she could give me some insight as to why our sex life was so none existent. Her response to that was “relationships change over time”. Her saying that actually gave me a sick feeling deep down in my gut and quite frankly I didn’t buy it. I wasn’t ready at 31 years old to be in a sexless marriage. She was 30 and supposed to be coming into her sexual prime.

I had to take a few steps back and look at our overall situation. My wife had gone through a lot of drama and trauma from losing her “good” job to a very rough child birth and recovery. She was depressed, she was only finding shitty jobs, she wasn’t happy with her body, and just didn’t have a good self image overall at that time. She got on some anti depressants and that helped with her anxiety. I wouldn’t say she was truly depressed because she was looking to the future, wanting to move forward in life and wanting to earn her masters degree which she now has.

But there was a time that her behavior made me feel unwanted and I don’t think she even realized that. Things have vastly improved over the last 5 years and I would say a lot of it has to do with chastity but if you strip all the chastity stuff away the truth is, our lives and relationship improved because I diligently supported her and was there for her when she needed me. I let her know how much I love her and that she was at the center of my attention and focus.

The ironic part about this is that I had hoped that chastity would bring about the kink and in many ways it has but not in the way I thought it would. On average she only lets me have PIV sex with her maybe once a month. She actually denied me well over 2 1/2 months just recently but I’d be allowed hand jobs and believe me I was grateful. But she’d only want her vibrator or my fingers over that time. I love giving her oral and she’s repeatedly told me how good I am at it but only allowed me to do it a handful of times over the course of this year. However, whenever she touches me it’s very exciting and I love her attitude towards me because she’s taken on the domme persona like a natural.

The point I’m getting at is that maybe your wife needs something else from you right now and chastity might not be the next step. She might need you to show her how important she is to you and what your relationship means to you and how much you love her. She also needs to show you how much she loves you as well. I’d say put the chastity and any kink stuff aside and just focus on your relationship with her and make her happy.

 

It sounds like she has enough on her plate without trying to navigate a new kink. Persisting with it may be perceived as being selfish. I'd suggest that you consider holding off on it for now.

 

Perhaps, it shouldn’t be about empowering her. At this early point, maybe it could be about what you can do for her.

If she enjoys your attention, empowerment may naturally follow. As is commonly advised here, be very patient.

 

@Whitehoseman Again your situation may not sound unfamilar at all. When I read back the interesting conversation here, also in your case the following seems to happen:

1) First you guessed it was more fantasy/kink
2) Then you hoped to improve our vanilla sex life
3) Now you are talking about (improvement) of your relationship.

Mindset comes in steps 1->2->3. However, in paractice you need to work bottom up. So, number 3 - the relationship - is crucial to start with. I am pretty sure when you give up porn and masturbation, this may help you to direct all loving energy to your better half. Whilst doing that, you need to talk and carry on the converstations with her. Importantly, tell her what you really want (the goal) and also tell her what you are giving up. Like @Xileh said, once she will recognise your changed behaviour and start to enjoy your different kind of attention, the situation may develop more naturally. In between, forget about kink, cage, 3 weeks period etc. Just try to start with converstaions, no pressure at all and remain patient.

All the best!