methods - kind of chastity / kind of FLR

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Curiouscouple81c, Jan 16, 2021.

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  1. Curiouscouple81c
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    We have been playing around with chastity for some time now. We have even played with the idea of FLR a few times. The last time we introduced this type of play we were on a schedule that worked out to be approximately a release every week for some significant teasing followed by a ruined orgasm. After about 2.5 months of this, my husband decided we were done with this and we went back to a period of no chastity. This left me feeling annoyed, frustrated and partly angry as I was really beginning to get into it. We have discussed my frustration and we are giving this another 'go'.

    My question is this - what is an appropriate time for an initial lock up, and has anyone tried the menstrual cycle version of chastity?

    1- We have read in the past that 'any women serious about chastity should consider no less than a 90 day initial lock up period to allow his mind to adjust' While this is partly wank fodder, I am wondering if there is any truth to this. First, we are experienced enough that he can be in constant confinement from a safety/wearability standpoint. I have read a number of posts here that talk about the necessity of easing into things due to adjustment periods. We are past that stage, and in the past he has gone a month. Hence, there is no concern about wearability, more just a question of frustration and angst from not getting release vs the benefit of an initial long lock up. Currently we are 2.5 weeks into his lock up, and I'm wondering since we are working to get us back on track, and I truly do want this to work, is there a period that is ideal to set the stage? Is longer really better, or is shorter and increasing periods better?

    2- The past weekly unlocking and ruined orgasm worked ok. But over time we felt that we didn't fully achieve the service level we desired due to frequent ruins. More than this, it eventually got too frustrating for my husband, and he gave up. He explained that having only ruins he got to the point of missing orgasm too much. Hence, there are a few posts out there that talk about a monthly cycle where he is locked during my horny period, and then released for frequent masturbation (a few times a day required) for a period of 4-5 days during my disinterested period. He is locked up again as my period starts and thus when I am done he is in a period of peak frustration and ready to serve. Has anyone tried this, and how has it worked?

    Last, I recognize these two questions are partly conflicting. He ended our last try after 2.5 months due to frustration and now I'm asking about a potentially 3+ month initial lock up. However, with light at the end of the tunnel with a period of unfettered access to his penis, I think we can overcome frustrations during an initial period. Given we are now 17 days into his lock up and 10 or so days from the first potential release mentioned in #2 above, should we skip a few months to set the bounds?
     
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  2. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    #2 Rectrix, Jan 16, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2021
    Everyone's experience is different but what I'm reading here is that he needs to stay locked for much longer, at least sixty days. You've done a month before, and you've regularly done one week intervals with ruins at the end, but you weren't getting the service level you desired -- which, in my opinion, is the primary purpose of marital chastity and submission -- because you were letting him have too many erections and ruins. And the ruins were frustrating him too in the wrong way -- instead of being grateful he was resentful. I don't think your versionof the 28-da7 cycle is appropriate, as I don't think husbands should be allowed out to masturbate at will just because you're in nature's "disinterested" period. That should be a period sacrifice for him too, a time to honor your life-giving sexuality, not to reinforce his narcissistic erection-centered self-pleasure and move him out of the proper submissive service orientation. So I think you need to try something long-term, 8-12 weeks, with very limited erections (every 20 days or so?) followed by immediate relocking and no ruins. Good luck!
     
  3. StubHub
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    StubHub Long term member

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    Wondering if you both are communicating on where your trying to get to. FLR really I think come as a joint mission to succeed. I am working with my wifes limited restart of chastity efforts with her buying cages for my suprise Xmas gifts. She did that but is not currently ready to be my KH. In our discussion back at Thanksgiving about her lack of trust in me being able to be close without expecting sexual reward for myself. I brought up and offer my open position to retry chastity and even FLR basis to try and get us back together in a better place. 39 years together but the last 4 have found us growing distant due to many things. We both want to find ways to mend fences. I am committed to pursue and try. Her gifts are not working but she has already tasked me to pursue a custom steel cage that will allow longer extended wear for new year's resolution.

    Talk over your positions and make a plan. Go for a longer lockup. For what its worth go a longer period with out relief.
     
  4. Sexy Slave 69
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    Sexy Slave 69 Long term member

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    I think the key is lots of teasing, maybe let him out but no ruins, keep him on the edge and attentive. As far a time goes between orgasms , it needs to be longer than he's comfortable with, then your clearly showing who's in control. Maybe your sub needs to buy you this book

    https://scarletsguide.wordpress.com/bdsm-manual/
     
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  5. Suewiang
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    Suewiang Long term member

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    Looks like your allowing him rather a lot of topping from the bottom. He’s either in the FLR or he isn’t it can’t be half way then when he gets a sulk on throw his teddy in the corner. If I was you I’d be heading for a long time as you have mentioned at least 90 days and see his attitude then.
     
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  6. Guest 8927
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    Guest 8927 Long term member

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    What it seems you experienced was what I call "the wrong type of frustration", and when that happens, people just quit. I am so incredibly into this it is almost scary, and in my FLR I have had moments like this.

    Firstly, that 90 day lockup thing might work on an older fella with a bit of ED, and a low sex drive, but it will not, can not, and is unhealthy for a male with any amount of sex drive. Way too long, and dumb, if you really think about it. I am in the best sexual relationship of my life, and instead of enjoying and celebrating it, I am going to put it all on hold, for what a book told me I "should" do.

    In my case, I do not care to engage in long term denial. I wear a chastity device all of the time, but it can be taken off if/when my Goddess decides. It puts the ball in her court sexually at all times, and if a week goes by, hey, NBD. A month without release? I would quit too. (I question those who claim to do three months no release as cheating and having an escapable device or older as explained, btw)

    The point, simply, is that no guides or books can really do much besides inject an idea, for you guys to incorporate as you see fit. Chastity, is still chastity, if the man is released on occasion after a build up and a lot of teasing, or a bdsm event, major turn on, etc. You as the Domme have to be aware of when he is reaching a breaking point, and seeming to not care anymore.

    Early on in our (My Goddess and I) journey, She expressed to me that it seemed like I didn't show her affection, hold hands, hug, touch, cuddle.

    I explained that being in chastity all but quashed any desire to be near her, for fear of getting amped up without any way to deal with it. That being close to her in heightened sense of arousal like chastity play engages, overwhelmed me, and made me want to just keep to myself.

    Tailor it to suit your lifestyle, and be aware when it looks like he is getting to a breaking point. Don't be mad or upset by it. Accept it. You can always lock it back up right after. ;)
     
  7. Curiouscouple81c
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    Thank you all for the responses here. First, i should have put this in the original post- we are not old, he is 40 and I am 3 years younger. Thus he does have a high sex drive, but at the same time we have gone a little over a month- we both enjoyed it. For me, I like getting to his high attention period which doesn't occur for 7-10 days after his last release. We both enjoy the longer periods. I worry as some of you posted here that notably longer periods would simply result in frustration unless there was 'light at the end of the tunnel' with a period of reset. I do wish he could simply get over it and I'd grant a release we would just reset. However given he is 40 and still has a high sex drive I think this led to resentment.

    Really appreciate the thoughts and encouragement here, and I recognize it is different for everyone. This said, so many of you have been through the various trials and I have much to learn.
     
  8. King Hippo
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    King Hippo Long term member

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    Do whatever you can both compromise to. Your relationship comes first, but I think your partner needs to be willing to work with you as you work with him.
     
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  9. homebody
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    homebody In awe of GoddesofHomebody

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    I think PrettyMonica is correct. There are people who recommend three months but I would find that punitive not loving. Also I think that people advising that it should be only what you want and not about what he wants is wrong. A relationship has to satisfy both people. These people want to be denied. It doesn't sound like your husband wants this. ( I could be wrong ) Good luck finding the balance that works for you both.
     
  10. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    You haven’t stated what it is that you want out of a FLR and/or chastity. When you can answer that, you will know how long to keep him locked. It is a balancing act. If he is let out too often, he has little motivation. Locked too long, he has no need to be motivated.
     
  11. Grayfelix
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    Grayfelix Active member

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    Disclaimer?: I can only speak for myself.

    Over the past 4 years my wife and I discovered that erection control is equally or more important than orgasm control. @Rectrix has written much about this phenomena. We have also found by experiment that longer periods are necessary for me to achieve the proper submissive and unselfish mindset. In my case it takes about 4 weeks for me to get into the "Zone".

    My wife and I set aside time to talk about our chastity relationship once a week. During that conversation, I ask her to decide if I am in the Zone or not. I also ask if she is satisfied with my service and what I can do to improve. (I highly recommend the book "Uniquely Rika")

    She has seen firsthand the effects of orgasm and erection control and likes the results very much. We do not have set release dates. But she factors sub-drop and the 4 week "conditioning" period into her calculations.
    She wants me in the Zone more than out of the Zone so releases (other than manscaping) have been running around 3 months. I have a feeling that she will be increasing the duration this year. We shall see.

    Grayfelix
     
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  12. Ron33
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    Ron33 Long term member

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    For me, a 30 day initial time worked great. I got used to not masturbating, which is the purpose of chastity anyway isn't it? We did 30 days a couple of times.

    It only takes a me a few days to get in the zone, 3 or 4 at the most. After that, we can still have regular sex IF she wants it. It just cuts out my masturbating and wasting energy doing it.

    As far as the menstrual cycle chastity, I absolutely recommend it! Locks him up during your off time, why should he be pleasuring himself if you feel rotten? I think for couples that do male chastity that menstrual cycle time is a great time for the husband to be locked. He will pay more attention to you and be more sympathetic.
     
  13. Curiouscouple81c
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    again, thank you to those that have written. I will be honest, I'm not sure what I get out of keeping him locked, it is a lot of things. I think's its a combo of the power and my desire to see him suffer, along with the benefits I get when is 10+ days post orgasm. I don't want to give up either. I let him know last night that we will be going for another month. I am a bit concerned in my ability to keep up the necessary interactions during my period, but we will try and see how it goes.
     
  14. Curiouscouple81c
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    As a follow up to this, I have searched a few times, and it seems there is a dearth of keyholder benefits on this site. What do women really get out of this?
     
  15. Tamed Male
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    Tamed Male Active member

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    I’m curious about where the FLR fits in with the two of you. Is it your idea or his?

    From my point of view FLR and chastity are two quite separate things which can work well together, but need not go together.

    if you are interested in the FLR part, as it seems like you are, I’d recommend that you work out what that means to you first, and get him to agree to that, entirely separately from his desire for chastity play. You could make it a condition of your participation in that.

    The FLR agreement I have with my wife has essentially nothing to do with sex. It is all about me accepting her authority, and her right to correct me without me defending myself, that she always gets to say what she wants before she gives me permission to share, that I’m not allowed to be unhelpful or invalidate what she says, etc. etc. various stuff like this, and of course that once she makes a decision or gives me an instruction, there is no further negotiation.

    Sexual stuff and chastity for us all takes place within the context of this agreement, but so does everything else - e.g. the chores or how we decide what is for dinner etc.

    It shouldn’t be laborious for you, but it might not be easy. My wife took a while to feel comfortable with asserting her right to correct me, or demand an apology for resisting her etc, and it took a while for me to get used to how intense it can be when she doesn’t hold back, any realize that I was getting exactly what I asked for.

    Whatever parameters you might want to use for chastity, he shouldn’t be able to ‘just give up’. That doesn’t mean you need to force something on him that he didn’t ask for, but he should be emotionally committed to being in integrity about his agreements with you, and that he should be asked to accept up front that he’ll be expected to keep to them even when in the moment he wants to quit. Within our agreement, my wife also makes the commitment to hold me to my agreements during the times it feels hard for her to do so.

    I hope this helps!
     
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