I accidentally said something hurtful to My Pete this evening. He's gone off upset and will probably be back in half an hour or so. I described what happened in my blog post. Basically I implied I found a dildo more dependable and satisfying than him. I know that's a theme on here, but it's not what I meant to say, or imply. Ugh. I'd be grateful for any ideas for how to deal with this - I don't know how to un-say what I said to him. Sal
There are many dimensions to enjoyable sex and it’s hard for a human to beat a purpose made pleasure device in one or two dimensions. I guarantee that there are some male masturbation devices that could make him cum quicker than you could but he’d never rate them better than you in the totality of the experience but if he were honest, he’d have to say that the in the pure mechanical dimension of what it was made for, it was brutally efficient in its purpose and in that dimension, better. But in totality, not even close. Why even include toys for a couple if there wasn’t part of it that made the experience better? Sometimes, just being different makes the experience better.
Stay calm. When he gets home, you both need to sit down and sort out what his feelings are. What you may have touched upon is a common fantasy. However, he may not have already processed this situation or how he feels about it. He may even have been turned on, but hasn’t resolved why and that could be confusing him. This aspect of being male can be very fragile. Talking about it should help you both understand. As you know, this won’t be the last time something like this may arise. One of the rewarding aspects of chastity is the enhanced communications. This is one of those moments. If he can accept it, you are on the verge of another aspect of male chastity and dominance. It can be very, very hot for the right partners.
Make sure you leave him locked. If you unlock him every time there is an upset, you are training him to look for upsets. I’d go as far as stroking his cage while you talk or play with your key in a subconscious manner (not overtly), to help redirect his attention.
As usual, @Jessica Alexander gives great advice. Also, know that with time things will sort themselves out — you love each other too much for this to be an enduring problem. One of my first gifts to my wife (23 years ago) was a Magic Wand. She uses pretty much every time we have intercourse. Took me a little while to get used to the idea that this wasn’t *instead* but *in addition* to me (or, since we started chastity, the strap-on). She loves intercourse, with me. She orgasms vaginally even without clitoral stimulation. But it’s more intense to combine the Dick with the wand … and I love that she loves sex. I have no insecurity about it anymore, and make sure Bob (her wand) is always clean and available (eg, I’m the one who packs it when we travel). Pete will get there too. Just keep letting him know it’s *plus* or “yes and”, that you love sex with him but sometimes also love the dildo. He’ll be pleased for you that you are knowing yourself and taking care of your pleasure, and trusting him with that. (And I bet he’ll find it really exciting to watch you getting off, once he gets over this initial blow).
I know I'm well past your half hour deadline but you have received some good advice. I would add that some words in life cannot be taken back. I think you need to uncover if he took it to heart or did he brush it off knowing he was poking you. If he took it to heart it will be in the front of his mind for a while and will always be in the back of his head. He just recently told you of one ex who said he couldn't please her and how much it affected him, even if it was probably false. You obviously didn't do something as drastic but using a strap-on is a true mindfuck for a guy. Women really don't realize what fire they are playing with, I mean being on this board you are sometimes talking to the NFL of chastity players, (I am not one of them) and like all pros, they can handle things that us normal people would get wrecked with. Just think of when you hear a year of no orgasms or unlocking of a cage- crazy! I always try to approach a situation from the outside to view my view and the other party's point of view to see where their head/motivations/needs are at and if I am considering that. Sorry to be graphic but imagine if you held a flashlight between your legs and Pete went to town and had an amazing time. And later in a bad moment said he finally felt satisfied. I am pretty sure you would be hurt. What would you want said to you to feel better? Would it still remain in your head for some time? Forever? We are all playing a GAME here. Don't take things so seriously that in the end you lose....
I can’t edit my previous post but autocorrect inserted flashlight. I meant fleshlight. “Sorry to be graphic but imagine if you held a fleshlight between your legs and Pete went to town and had an amazing time. And later in a bad moment said he finally felt satisfied. I am pretty sure you would be hurt. What would you want said to you to feel better? Would it still remain in your head for some time? Forever?”
@longtallsally I believe you just need to explain why you said what you said. Communication is the most important thing you can do correctly in any relationship. After reading your prior post, it sounds like you both were not on the same page & there is a lot of underlying resentment that needs to be discussed.
Ok, I’m hoping enough time has passed that it’s now ok to talk about this insensitively and … Have you thought about changing your whole dynamic? Just tell him he’s now locked as he doesn’t satisfy you anymore? In all honesty these things just take time. Enough reassurance and he’ll be ok. Be honest though. You don’t mind him ejaculating quickly, you enjoy that side, you enjoy his pleasure. But also at times you want more than that and so there’s ways around it. Post sex orgasms and Emla cream come to mind.
This made me wonder quite a lot until I worked it out! Mind you, the thought of holding a torch (as we call them over here) between my legs made me snigger. A new fetish! Sal
Thanks for taking the time to reply. Would you be able to say any more about "another aspect of male chastity and dominance"? I feel I'm on shaky ground. Sal
Thanks for the suggestion but saying that to him wouldn't be true - he does satisfy me. I think there's a whole Pandora's Box here and that I shouldn't be investigating the lid too closely! Sal
Except… You can say things he wants to hear or be real about the situation. I wouldn’t imagine my wife would tell me it’s more pleasurable for her when I cum quick, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know she enjoys it. There’s other things we do to overcome that. I was obviously being facetious originally but sometimes we say things that sugar coat a situation when only the truth allows a resolution. If I look at the situation I think the honest conversation would go something like this (in bullet point form): no I wasn’t satisfied sexually when you came really fast Yes I did really enjoy it and it’s not a problem. I like that you can’t control yourself I do like a follow up that’s more thorough. You would have had that but you decided to test me Now you know who’s boss. I imagine you won’t do it again. Dora will never replace a real cock.
I hope you have worked things out. Sexual performance is a difficult male topic. He is fortunate to have a partner that cares so much. Chastity is sometimes referred to as a “Gateway Kink”. You will often find other kinks practiced with chastity. They are not required, chastity can be practiced on its own. Chastity does however, tend to bring kinks and fantasies to the surface. A common kink that can be uncovered, or discovered, while practicing chastity, is humiliation. Humiliation can be part of a hotwifing or cuckolding fantasy, or actual desire. Sometimes these include SPH (small penis humiliation). Be very careful with humiliation of any kind. This can be a very sensitive topic he is not prepared to engage in. If you do choose to follow this thread, a dildo can play a major role in building fantasy personas. The idea of your beautiful wife with another lover is a more common fantasy than you might expect. You might even consider a strapon harness for him to wear while locked. He may have such a fantasy and just hasn’t dwelled on it. The best way to find out, is to talk about why he was bothered.
Thank you for this - I have a lot to learn. We worked things out, this time (see blog) but I think the humiliation thing might well be a fantasy for him. I'll explore gently and subtly! Sal
[QUOTE="longtallsally, post: 577782, member: 96565"}but I think the humiliation thing might well be a fantasy for him. I'll explore gently and subtly! Sal[/QUOTE] I would urge extreme caution. While I know a lot on here are into it, many are not. It is one of those things that can compound over time. A small comment or a scene followed by another and the psyche starts to believe it more and more. I have been down with the flu for the past week so I spent a day and read your blog (wow!) and you say you want Pete to still be Pete outside of the bedroom. Things like humiliation travel outside the bedroom fast.
I agree with @NowIveDoneIt , while I know that humiliation is a huge part of the BDSM landscape, I don't think most vanilla people like being humiliated, I know I don't. So while it's quite possible that this could become part of your dynamic in the future (re: "gateway kink") I doubt that it would be well received right now. I think Pete's has the typical fragile male ego right now, so I wouldn't go near SPH with a 10-foot barge pole, if I were you.
I would urge extreme caution. While I know a lot on here are into it, many are not. It is one of those things that can compound over time. A small comment or a scene followed by another and the psyche starts to believe it more and more. I have been down with the flu for the past week so I spent a day and read your blog (wow!) and you say you want Pete to still be Pete outside of the bedroom. Things like humiliation travel outside the bedroom fast.[/QUOTE] Thank you! That sounds like really good advice. It all seems to be going a bit fast at the moment, so maybe a quieter January is in order. I don't really like the humiliation scene anyway. Thanks again, Sal
Thank you!! I had (thank goodness) come to the same conclusion but hearing you say it makes me even more certain. Wise words! Sal
I am such a 0-100 type of person in life. Go big, go bold and get it done. Sometimes I have to just remember that Rome wasn't built in a day. You are very level headed in how you handle things and very accepting of advice given. Here's to the day when the forum looks to you for that advice!
Just apologize and tell him that people sometimes say things that are not true when frustrated, angry or just not in their right mind. It happens. Then ask him what you as a couple can do to repair this. Then spank him.