One sub's mind

I can't neatly organize my train of thought.

It's taken me a while to really/truly understand my own body. I know many people look at the female body and female sexuality simply, like the vagina is just a hole. But I've realized people do the same to men's bodies. Like the penis is just a stick. I think most people don't understand anyone's body, men or women. I think that's why people see circumcision as okay. But whatever, sexuality fits into everyone's life differently. All I can have an effect on is me and the people I'm with.

I'm not really big in any way. 180cm, a little over 60kg, around 13-14cm and not thick. So I've accepted that. But I feel like I have a strong arousal cycle, strong orgasms, and a strong prostate. It seems to work so hard making lots of precum. And I never had a problem controlling my orgasm. So lovemaking goes on for an hour or two.

That sounds nice at first, but if I were living with someone, which I want to do because I believe in committed relationships - I believe unconditional love can be real - then my natural instinct would be to do that every day, even twice a day. Even though it would be too much. Even though it would probably take away from my hobbies, work, other parts of my life, because I would want to give everything I have to her.

But there's more. I've found I can cum while nearly flaccid. My perineum is very erogenous. I've found, as many people have, that a combined anal and penis orgasm is a wonderful experience. I've found I can have "head" orgasms. My face blushes, my arousal peaks, plateaus, and then disappears along with my erection, despite no ejaculation. I feel the same petit mort and urge to curl up and rest with a smile on my face. An inexperienced person might mistake it for ED or something. But there are women who freely report happy sexual episodes where they didn't orgasm. So I feel it's obviously not necessary for a boy to cum all the time either.

But forcing someone not to cum is making too big an issue out of it. My not cumming shouldn't be focused on like that. And it'd ultimately just be roleplay. If you disallow someone from cumming, but they want to, they can just leave and do it anyway.

So that's how I feel about chastity. Some people have fantasies about never cumming again, about being castrated or more. I won't question whether that's right for those people. But that's not what it means to me.

Here's my vision of the future. You might even say it's my goal or dream.

It's not that I don't want to ever cum. It's that I only want to cum when she wants it. When she allows it. When I deserve it. However you can frame it. I just want to gently surrender. That's where chastity fits. The devotion expressed by a ring doesn't compare to that shown by a key. I want to make someone else happy first.

I don't think how strong a sub you are is about whether you do some new or weird or hardcore kink. I have, however, accepted it's inevitable that if I'm with someone serious, and we love each other, that I'll be licking her butt.

I LOVE being hit and don't know why. I think it has to do with the depth of my emotions, or maybe it's loneliness.

What about sissification/bisexuality? Well, I've had sex with men in the past, although I'm not interested in men, if that makes sense. Sucking cock makes me leak easily. I have a feeling that many women wouldn't be okay with that just being in my past, though; they'd want to see for themselves. So that's how I feel about forced bi. I'm happy to serve other men the same as other women, at my master's discretion. Although I need to confess I don't know where reality ends and fantasy begins on this one, because I quite like monogamy.

Sissification I think has two aspects. One is that boys also want to be pretty, and girls' clothes fit tightly and feel great. Boys should wear makeup anyways just because. Every man on TV does, so I don't get it. The other aspect is that I love if a woman wants to share her femininity with me. That feels like such a compliment.

Hopefully one day I'll have progress to report. In the meantime it feels nice to really let myself out - as it were.

 

Thank you. Yes, I'm 24.

I've been talking online with a woman in her 30s. I think she might be in her later 30s since she hasn't told me exactly. She could potentially become my owner when I end up moving. She's never had someone in chastity. I'm the one who brought it up. We'd both be doing that for the first time. It's exciting to think about. She's otherwise a femdom (likes sub/sissy boys).