New and Need Advice

Yes. I have some suggestions. I will paste my previous reply to somebody else with a similar question below.
But if you read only one thing: forget about 'vibrators dilods butt massagers cuckolding sex' bla bla for now. It really isnt going to matter what sex toy you buy next for your wife. A piece of rubber is not going to get her excited until you solve other issues in yoir relationship first.

Women dont turn 'vanilla sex' because you havent found the right toy or the right bubble bath or the right sexy words to use on them. They turn vanilla because something is not exciting them about their relationship.

So... Below a large reply:

 

I recommend less talk and more action at first

Your wife may think its just another one of your sex fantasies and talking doesn’t help that.

Start serving her, don’t call her ‘mistress’ right away. Occasionally call her ‘misses <her last name>’ at most.
Dont be overly submissive, my mistress hated that at first.

Plus, your wife may never want you to wear womens clothes etc. There are lots of different variations of this type of relationship.
My mistress loves to humiliate me in outfits and boss me around and control me sexually etc, but she likes me to be a strong man and not be all ‘whimpy’ etc.
Luckily that is exactly what I prefer too, so it works really well for us.
But be willing to adapt to her wants instead of pushing to hard with your fantasies.

Ask her if there is anything you can do for her, like make breakfast, dinner or clean the house.
I found it most effective to just ask if there was anything she wanted help with instead of just doing it all the time without asking.
That way she was aware you were doing it and appreciates you giving her attention.

Make lots of small talk, be interested in what she is interested in.
(Let her control where you go out of the house, let her control what you watch tv. Just be happy being next to her. Hold her hand and enjoy the fact she is sharing that with you)

If she asks why you are doing all this, say its because you are reading up to be a better, more submissive husband.
Tell her that you think the household is more effective when she is in charge.

Re-assure her that you will remain a strong-man outside of the house, but you feel she is better at leading your relationship.

Tell her she is beautiful, gorgeous, that you adore her.

Obviously it helps if you really mean all the things I just said! If you only say it cause you want some kinky sex, it probably wont work.
(i certainly do mean all of it! I do really worship Mistress Spike and found out I can only feel 100% fulfilled and happy if she allows me to serve and court her)

Tell her you have read online that you can ‘focus your sexual energy on other things instead of masturbating’. Tell her you read that if she controls your release/orgasms that the rest of the time you can focus on serving and courting her. Tell her it makes you feel like when you first fell in love.

If she wants to know more, tell her that men have evolved to build up sexual energy, but once it is released, their brain focuses on other things, like gathering food etc.
So by her keeping you sexually charged (horny!) your brain remains in the ‘court my female’ mode.

Be careful when showing her webpages or articles. Some are intimidating. Especially ones that also have ery kinky members. She may grow to love that community just like me and my wife did, but don’t push this in her face right away. And don’t expect her to act out some fantasy you read online at first. Allow her to develop her own fanatsies and only occasionaly share some of yours as she becomes more comfortable.

Tell her it is not just about sex. Tell her a ‘Female led relationship’ is a benefit for both of you. Tell her that it will not be ‘another chore’ on her already busy schedule, but that instead you will help her more and love her more and that it will actually free up some time for her to do the things she likes to do.

And then prove allllll of that with your actions.

Never get grumpy or disappointed if she isn’t moving very fast into the mistress role.
If she is not comfortable using certain language, laugh it off and say its fine, she can say whatever she wants.
You need to try your very hardest to avoid any stress in relation to the mistress role.
Make sure the mistress role is associated with fun, pleasure etc, not with stress or ‘doing things wrong’.

Take lots of time. I spread all these steps over abouy 1-2 months. And that is usually very short! My wife is naturally dominant and open minded. Plus she already had trans-gender friends and tattoos and piercings etc. On top of that we had months of marriage counseling to rebuild our marriage before I ever introduced this to her. Our counseler is very supportive of dominant women being in charge so that helped. All those things sped up the transformation from wife to dominant mistress. Expect it to take at least a few months!
You need to be the most patient man on the planet, but it is totally fine to make small suggestions on what she could do.

For example if you like her to be bossy, tell her that you would really feel loved if she gives you a chore to do when you come home from work.
Ask her not to say ‘thank you’ or ‘please’. Tell her you feel bad if she feels the need to thank you because you already feel so lucky and happy that you are allowed to help her/serve her.

Explain to her that female brains are superior in managing relationships and tasks. Every woman has heard that females can multi-task and men cannot. Give that as an example. Tell her she is much better then you at keeping a good balance for both of you. Tell her you actually prefer to be told what to do because it is simpler for you.
If she needs more proof of this, there is a lot of info on this online. Most relationships become truly happy when the woman becomes the dominant person in that relationship.
Tell her Dr Phil lets his wife controls the household (He says this every other show, I swear!)

Over time you can ask her to use her sexual energy (every woman has this power, but some are not comfortable or aware of it) a little more to keep you energized.
I.e. ask her to tease you a little. Whatever she is comfortable doing.
You can make suggestions if she doesn’t know what to do.
Even small things, like allow you to rub her feet or kiss her feet.
Eventually this can grow to more intense things (I assume you don’t need suggestions here )

Tell her you are starting to understand that mainstream porn has created a really poor example of sex and women.
Tell her that all the porn you have seen has made it seem women liked being pornstars and liked certain sexual acts (like giving BJs) but that you are starting to realize that her sexual pleasure is what is so exciting about having sex with her.
Prove this by asking her to ‘kick you off’ when she is ‘done’ with sex and do not orgasm yourself (unless she specifically tells you too)
Tell her that hearing her orgasm was fantastic and that you find that to be 90% of the pleasure of sex and that your own orgasm is not nearly as important.

(At least for me this is the case, with the exception that after a few days or a week or so I get horny like a toad and do crave an orgasm extremely badly hehe)

I found out about chastity devices when I was googling on how to make my mistress more comfortable with taking control.
So you can introduce it to her that way too.
Tell her a device like that might help both of you to focus your sexual energy on her.

Show her a few different ones when you think she is ready.
Explain to her its just like any other sex toy. Just something for fun, but also functionally will help you focus on her more.

Don’t tell her she needs to be a keyholder just yet, unless she seems ready for it.
You can simply ask her to keep the key in her purse for now, until you think she might be ready to wear it.

There are a lot of different devices. Metal ones comes across more kinky then plastic ones, so make sure you find some that are not to intimidating.
My wife picked the birdlocked at first because it seemed less intimidating.
But soon moved into the role and now really likes the metal devices. So allow this to evolve to become more kinky at her pace.

Make sure to explain to her she can stop this at any time. That you will remain her loving supportive husband.
Tell her she can try it for a day or 2 and then not be a mistress for a few days if she doesn’t feel like it.
Or suggest you only do it in the weekend and the rest of the week is as it was before.

I suspect she will start to love it so much she will demand you serve her 24/7, but it can take a bit of time.

If you are like me, you will likely behave less attentive and submissive automatically when the device is off and when you are free to release when you want.
Your wife will notice this! She will demand the device to be 24/7 soon after I am sure.
(By 24/7 I mean you wear it all the time, unless she wants to use your junk . Not the 24/7 chastity and you never get out)

Add: thank her for communicating when she shares something (re dominance or sexual activities, make her feel safe and normal for sharing. never be negative or drag it on too long)

add: length of time. spread this out over at least a month or more. You probably need several months. But try new tactics if there is little change after a few months.

add: It is not just about sex. This may work a few weeks, but in the end you want to build a long lasting loving relatiuonship where the women is dominant and her happyness and leadership drive the relationship

Hope that helps!

 

And to show I am not against toys. For female sex toys there is one that rules them all: Hitachi Magic Wand.

There are some reviews about it on this site too.

It doesnt look like a dick. In doesnt even look sexual at all. It looks boring.
But that thing will give your wife some really good orgasms.
At least i have not heard anybody not liking it.

Be careful though. Your wife may prefer it over you sometimes! (fu hitachi!)
Hehe

But again. Its not going to get her into chastity or more kinky just because it gives her good orgasms. Women generally dont get addicted to orgasms like men do. They are way more in control then us men.

 

Um. Wow.

Can I just say that's SB's post needs to be stuck in the "How do I introduce my Wife/GF/Lover to chastity page??? Dude, you friggin' nailed it! :sign0011:

Lidman, there's nothing I need to add. Just a ladies point of view telling you to follow the advise above. (And to say get a Hitachi Wand. PRONTO!!! Here's the link to the review which I wrote : http://www.chastitymansion.com/forum/index.php?/topic/3633-hitachi-wand-review/ )

 

Thanks Jen!
It only took 10 years of f-ing up Mistress's life to learn
Plus this website has helped a lot. I browsed it for a few weeks before joining so you all rock in my book.

And thanks Mistress Spike for teaching this 'simpleton' man brain of mine these things and continuing to communicate with me about our relationship! (next to a good paddling when 'I just don't get it' haha)

 

Hi lidman,

Spikes Bitch provided a lot of ideas. I have to say, though, that my situation is very much like yours, and none of that worked for me.

In my case, my wife has a non-existent libido. Speaking of kink with her really has a negative effect, if any at all. Things that I think might spice up our sex life just turn her off. It's really become an impasse for us.

SB's suggestions strike me as a "full steam ahead" approach. I would suggest a gentler one. I think you really need to find a way to rekindle vanilla romance before you can add the spice. I think the way to do that is less by suggesting, and more by listening. I think your wife needs to know you're looking to spice things up, and you're looking for her help. If she asks for ideas, then perhaps start floating some of the D/s and chastity stuff with her. I really think if you hit her with all this stuff, when she's really not interested in even vanilla sex, that you'll just drive even more distance between you. I think I speak from experience on that one.

Anyway, best of luck, and I hope it works out!
mikecb

 

Hi mikecb,

I respect your opinion and reply. And i value that you added additional info to my reply. So please dont see it like i am attacking your for commenting on my reply.
I dont claim to know it all or have all the steps that work exactly like that for everyone, but i do wonder if either my communication was off or the way your read my post

'Full steam ahead' is completely the opposite of my intentions with my post. I warn many times to leave the kink behind for a while. I mention many times the importance of communication. I literaly say to rebuild your relationship on other levels then sex well before even bothering with D/s or kinky toys etc. I carefully caution not to just show her chastity devices and websites. Etc

So i am curious were my communication about this issues went wrong in your opinion as a way for me to refine my post.

Thank you.

 

[quote name='Spike's Bitch' date='27 July 2010 - 04:54 PM' timestamp='1280264099' post='51487']

'Full steam ahead' is completely the opposite of my intentions with my post. ....
So i am curious were my communication about this issues went wrong in your opinion as a way for me to refine my post.

Thank you.
[/quote]

SB,

(At the risk of hijacking lidman's thread.. )

Upon reread, I agree that "full steam ahead" is way NOT what you're suggesting! lol My apologies for characterizing it that way. I think I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of suggestions, and sorta glossed over the many places you emphasized moving slowly.

I think you're dead-on suggesting all the things you proposed to rekindle intimacy first, before moving on to chastity and D/s. I personally think that the relationship has to be functional and GGG at a vanilla level, before talk of kink can begin. I guess that's my main point. From my own experience, I personally don't feel like kink or D/s can be a "solution" to rekindle a sexless marriage. I think it's the spice on an already delicious sex life, not the basis of it. Since I'm sensitive to that difference, I may have read things into your post that weren't there. For that I apologize.

And now, back to lidman's thread!
mikecb