A journey of a thousand miles...

I'm not sure how often I'll update this, or if it will even become a regular thing, but like many others I feel a need to document my experiences. Hopefully it will help me process and understand some of the things I'm experiencing, and if it turns out to be an enjoyable read for others, then even better.

Background

I'm a 57 year old straight cis-male. I've been fascinated by BDSM since I was in my early teens but really didn't get to explore the scene properly until my late 20s/early 30s. I've always considered myself a switch and, because of a couple of less than desirable experiences with dommes along the way, have mostly leant towards my dominant aspect. Almost all of my friends in the BDSM community know me as a twisted sadistic rigger , hypnotist and dominant, so it's been difficult to really express my submissive side with all but a small handful of people. I realise that most of the problem in this regard is down to my own perception of my status and how others perceive me. I've been guilty of stigmatizing my own submissive feelings and desires. Being able to fully embrace this side of me now has been remarkably eye-opening as I've indulged in more self-reflection and discussing my needs with my wife.

My wife is the submissive partner in our relationship and has never expressed any interest in being dominant. Fortunately, we're polyamorous and have a solid foundation of open communication. She knows I have a submissive side and has always been supportive when I've felt a need to explore and satisfy that aspect of my personality.

Since the pandemic lockdown we've fallen out of the habit of attending local scene events and honestly, have been neglecting each other with regards to sex and intimacy. We both gained a lot of weight and each suffered from some self-esteem issues which didn't help.

In May this year I found a hypnodomme who really clicked with me. Her voice, style and level of evil twisted sadism fit me perfectly. I started listening to her pre-recorded files and started to enjoy feeling submissive again. The files which encouraged orgasm denial and chastity rapidly became some of my favourites and got lots of play time. Pretty soon I was communicating with her regularly and began personal sessions via Zoom.

I talked about all this with my wife. She is very happy and even excited for me that I'm getting to explore and develop this side of me again. I asked her how she would feel when (I knew it wasn't going to be if) Mistress Hannah would require me to be in physical chastity. To my utter joy, she was very enthusiastic and basically said I should go for it. She even described the idea as being "hot", which suggests that she is not going to be a disinterested bystander during this journey. That makes me ecstatically happy and I love her even more for her approval and encouragement.

That's probably enough for now. Will post more later.

 

A little hiccup

It took less than two months from finding Mistress Hannah to me begging for her to put me in physical chastity. Now I just needed to purchase a cage.

I used to own a CB2000 years ago and had issues with both the ring size and tube length. I'm pretty average in terms of penis size but my balls are pretty big and sit high and tight most of the time even at my relatively advanced age. I'm also very much a grower rather than a shower and the CB tube was just way too long and became very painful when aroused. I went ahead and ordered a Cute Little Nub device from lockthecock.com which comes with a 72mm wide ring and a much shorter tube. However, the vertical dimension is quite a bit smaller - maybe 50mm, and has only a 12mm ball gap and forces the underside of the tube to press and rub against the scrotum. The first few days were fine, the device was actually very comfortable and my only issue was that even with the shorter tube, my incredible shrinking cock (I'm older and fatter now) just would not extend all the way into the tube. It seems that the shorter vertical dimension of the ring caused the locking mechanism to press down on my cock and served to push it back into my body. This prevented erections very effectively, but required quite a bit of adjustment in order to position for peeing properly.

** Short interlude to explain that my wife had already agreed to hold the emergency key and promised not to give it to me no matter how much I begged her. She even expressed dismay that it was not a pretty key and that if it were, she'd consider wearing it on a necklace! I told you she wasn't going to be a disinterested bystander along the road I'm travelling. The primary key is held in a QIUI remote key box, control of which has been assigned to Mistress. **

So at the end of the first week I sought and received permission from Mistress to unlock and remove the cage for cleaning (the closed tube is probably not the best idea for really long term wear). After my wife unlocked me I showered, cleaned the device thoroughly and replaced it as soon as possible.

I was fine for the next day or so, but then I noticed that I was experiencing a lot of ring burn both underneath and on the left side. My left testicle appeared to be sitting higher than the right and I was also feeling pinching on the underside of the tube. I notified Mistress and got permission to unlock and check myself.

I think when I'd replaced the cage, my scrotum had been trapped under the tube improperly and caused the device to pull and rub until I'd actually got abrasion wounds down the left side of my ball sac. After a discussion with Mistress, we decided I should remain uncaged in order to heal, and in the meantime I would look for alternative cage options with better ring sizing and fit.

After measuring and measuring again, I decided on a custom Cherry Keeper device. Ordered a couple of different ring sizes (65mm and 72mm) and two short cages - one with the headlock option.

The new device(s) are due for delivery this evening. The expected shipping date was actually the 12th, but they got them done and shipped early. I've been unlocked for a week now and it just feels wrong. I'm so desperate to be locked up again it almost aches. I have managed to maintain chastity without the cage - but I've sailed close to the edge a couple of times. I'm actually getting to a point where it almost feels better to be denied than to be allowed release. I've been reflecting on that and it's going to be the subject of a journal entry of its own, because I've realised it's a very important part of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.

Hopefully the new cage will do the trick and I'll be happily caged again very soon.

 

A new hope...

My new cage arrived yesterday evening - a custom device from cherrykeeper.com. I ordered two rings - a 72mm ergonomic and 65mm circular along with the 51mm short cage with headlock option and the 61mm small without headlock.

Even though my measurements told me the 72mm ring would be good, when paired with either of the cages the ball gap is too big and I slip out very easily. It would probably be perfect with a longer cage but I'm a grower and want the cage to suppress my erection almost completely. The 65mm ring paired with the short headlock cage turned out to be the ideal combination. Enough of a gap to ensure my testes aren't crushed and small enough to prevent slippage. The headlock feature works pretty well too as my penis has a tendency to retract back into my body (due to age and weight), which caused some issues with peeing in my previous cage. Now the head sits perfectly position in the cage and doesn't disappear back into my body.

I slept in it very well. No pain or burning. When I get aroused, I can feel my penis start to swell, the cage pulls a little and I can feel the faint hint of a burn on the underside of my scrotum, but the cage prevents me from getting anything more than slightly turgid and with a slight readjustment the burn goes away immediately.

Open cage design makes for very easy cleaning. I am sure that I will transition to a steel or titanium cage at some point, but right now it seems as if the CK will be very good for long term wear.

Right now I'm just happy to be locked again.

 

That's exactly the direction it seems to be going. She has already said (twice now) that if she's going to wear the key around her neck then it needs to be prettier! I think maybe a key from chastity-shop.com may be a suitable birthday present for her.

 

Denial is not just a river in Egypt...

It seems that my current situation is facilitating some serious self reflection. I've bee chaste now for 18 days. For some of that time (8 days) I've been unlocked but made every effort (very successfully) not to experience a physical orgasm/release. Now I'm locked again and the pressure is somewhat relieved. There were a couple of times over the last few days where I thought I was going to fail, but my Mistress's hypnotic conditioning helped me to refrain from letting go.

I've been thinking about the whole orgasm denial situation a lot. Being aroused for a good proportion of the day is quite addictive. I don't want it to stop, and I've come to realise that being denied feeds into the very heart of my submissive feelings and tendencies. The more I'm denied, the more submissive I feel and the more submissive I feel, the more aroused I get. I know from experience that if I do climax, then I will drop out of that submissive headspace like a rock and I don't want to not feel submissive because it feels so fucking good to be this aroused almost all the time.

I think my dominant aspect is slightly worried. I can actually start to envisage that my submissive side will manifest so completely that it takes over and I will no longer feel a need or even a desire to switch back. Could following this path result in me becoming permanently submissive and chastised? As much as my dominant side fears this, my inner submissive would welcome and embrace it fervently, and quite honestly the prospect is arousing in itself. What effect would it have on my marriage? My wife is enthusiastic about my journey, and is fully involved and aware but I'm not sure she'd want to take the reins completely in a FLR.

I certainly have lots to think (and fantasize) about. For now, I've resolved only to enjoy the journey as it unfolds and hopefully be able to follow the path wherever it might lead me.

 

Pavlov? That name rings a bell.

This is too good not to share. As I explained in my introductory post, I'm owned by a hypnodomme, aka Mistress Hannah. I've been undergoing conditioning via pre-recorded mp3 files, group live streaming sessions and one on one hypnosis sessions via Zoom for 2 1/2 months now. Mistress has taken my deepest submissive fantasies and is making them reality. Developing my desire/need for permanent chastity is just the beginning of the process.

As part of my ongoing conditioning, Mistress has been working on my inner attention slut. My desire for her attention has become an overwhelming compulsion. I find myself waiting for her replies to my messages like a lovesick puppy. When I see a new message indicator my heart and stomach do somersaults. This of course serves to make me feel even more submissive, aroused and controlled by her. So far so good...

Recently though, Mistress has added a little twist. She's managed to program me not only to desire her attention, but also to become aroused when I don't get her attention. I never thought I had a kink for being ignored, but it seems like she has managed to uncover it and strengthen it to the point where now I'll spend hours just refreshing messages, waiting for the smallest crumbs of attention and acknowledgement and getting more and more aroused as I do so.

Waiting for my new cage to be delivered yesterday evening, watching TV with my wife and refreshing my phone waiting for a response becoming more and more aroused by the idea that I may be being ignored deliberately. After 3 or 4 hours, there it was, a single emoji expressing approval for my previous post. Aroused as I was, I experienced what I can only describe as a purely mental orgasm. It was like nothing I've ever experienced before. It sent me into a spasm I felt through my entire body. No ejaculation and no stimulation of my parasympathetic nervous system but I did leak quite a lot of seminal fluid, which I've been doing regularly for the last 2 weeks anyway.

I'm still processing this. It's just mindblowing to me that someone could have that much control over me and be able to elicit such reactions. As terrifying as that may be, it's also intensely arousing to me, and I think it's exactly where I want to be right now.

 

I honestly think I’d be ok with it.

 

A slow day at the office...

Not much to add today, except that I've downloaded an app for my phone which tracks the number of days caged/denied and displays it as a widget on my lock screen. It's one more thing that reminds me of my status as a locked chastity slave to my Mistress and that she controls my orgasms. It's at 19 days right now which is definitely a personal best for me. I'm actually very proud of myself for resisting any urge to climax while I was unlocked.

The prospect of this becoming a very long term, or even permanent state of affairs is both exciting and daunting for me. When I started along this path, I was worried that it might be a case of reality not living up to the fantasy, which happens so frequently. I'm very glad to say that that has not been my experience this time around. I am living the dream right now and with every day that passes, any thoughts of reluctance in accepting my new state recede further into the recesses of my mind.

In response to the question:

The answer is heading quite rapidly towards a resounding "No".

 

We’ll that just happened…

So it seems my wife is really starting to get into this. We had a wonderful time in the bedroom last night - in my current state of horniness (24 days locked/denied), I couldn’t keep my hands (and tongue) off her and gave her several orgasms. She expressed a little guilt that she couldn’t reciprocate, but after I stressed that sex is now all about her pleasure she gave a little grin and started to tease me quite mercilessly and said I should thank Mistress on her behalf. She even suggested that tonight we try the strap on! I really hope this continues (I see no reason why it shouldn’t) and results in my wife taking more control in the bedroom.

My submissive feelings are continuing to flourish. Being caged and denied is serving to keep me in a permanent subspace and with recent developments I think I may be approaching the point of no return, or perhaps I’ve already passed it? Whichever it is, this whole situation is working out better than I ever could have imagined.

 

Today is day 27 being locked/denied, almost a lunar month of chastity. The longest I've been locked in my previous dips into the chastity pool was 2 weeks. I've doubled that without even thinking about it - well, not quite true as I tend to think about it a lot whenever my mind is otherwise unoccupied.

Even though she's not my official keyholder, my wife is certainly starting to enjoy the benefits of me being caged. I'm aroused/horny most of the time and paying a lot of attention to her. We've always been very touchy/sensual, but right now I can't keep my hands off her. Even if I'm not consciously aroused (watching TV, cooking, etc.), I find I'm ready at the drop of a hat. I have suggested to her that because of this, she might want to take more of a lead in initiating sexual intimacy, because if she leaves it up to me then I'll be jumping on her at every opportunity. I know it's going to take a while for her to get used to this as she's always been the submissive partner in our sexual relationship (we're no strangers to kink and up until the pandemic we were very active in our local BDSM scene). I basically informed her that given my almost constant state of arousal, should she decide to just drag me, push me or otherwise suggest that we head to the bedroom then I will drop whatever I'm doing and ensure that her pleasure will be my top priority. That did put a big smile on her face, but I have a feeling I'll need to remind her occasionally that she can pull the strings like that. I honestly don't think I'll need to remind her more than a couple of times though...

I've started to notice other changes in myself besides the increased arousal and my deepening feelings of submissiveness. I've never experienced a desire for humiliation, beyond mild public embarrassment; fantasies around being collared and leashed in public, referring to my owner as Mistress or Goddess within earshot of other people, that kind of thing, but it seems that my current inability to achieve a full erection while caged is affecting me in this regard. I wouldn't say I'm having self-esteem issues, but I am starting to fantasize about having attention called to my cage and my inability to become erect and orgasm being disclosed to all and sundry. The idea that I may never be allowed to climax ever again keeps slipping into my thoughts and is really making itself at home there and doing its bit to get me even more aroused.

I'm intrigued to discover what the next month will bring. I'm still just a little blown away that after fantasizing about real chastity for so long, I'm actually living it, and it's even better than I ever imagined it could be.

 

That’s not how this works…

It’s clear from even a brief sojourn through the myriad forums here at CM that chastity means lots of different things to lots of very different people. I’ve been thinking (and writing a little) recently of what chastity means to me. It seems only right that I should also consider what it does NOT mean to me.

My chastity is centred around my submissive leanings. It is entirely kink based. For me, chastity is not about:

Masturbation prevention - Neither I nor my wife believe that masturbation is inherently wrong. We both do it, we both enjoy it. We both think it’s a very healthy thing to do.

Porn Addiction - Again, there’s nothing wrong with porn/erotica for me. I’ve viewed porn, made porn (some would say) and enjoy porn, as does my wife. I don’t have a porn addiction that needs “treating”. I still enjoy erotica in all forms even while caged, especially Mistress Hannah’s hypnosis MP3s for reinforcement of my conditioning. I can’t get an erection but I can still get aroused, fantasise and revel in my Mistress’s control.

Feminisation/sissification - Just not my thing. I understand why it is a thing for a lot of people and more power to their elbow is what I say. Just don’t expect me to wear a frilly dress (a kilt is a different matter entirely) because I would just look ridiculous. I had one Mistress a long time ago who required me to go out, buy panties and wear them on business trips, but that was about control, humiliation, submission and obedience rather than a desire to cross dress.

Cuckolding - I’m polyamorous, does not compute.

Having said all this, kinks and fantasies seed, grow and change with time and experience. Ten years ago I wouldn’t have dreamed that I would enjoy needle play. These days it’s an incredible way to play and experience a huge endorphin rush. So who’s to say that my thoughts and desires around chastity won’t change in the future? The self-reflection in which I’ve been engaged over that last few weeks is helping me to be much more open to change and development in this facet of my life.

 

I made it to 30 days, yay!

 

Be careful what you wish for...

Yesterday marked 31 days of denial, a full calendar month locked up with no erections or orgasms. I'm quite surprised at how easy it has been to accept and embrace my new lot in life. The submissive headspace it brings is blissful.

I woke yesterday to a message on the QIUI app (key is locked in a remote KeyPod under Mistress's control) to say the lock timer had been updated. I had 4 days left on the prior timer, but now it's been increased to 11! The impact this had on me was quite profound. I realise now that I really am caged at my Mistress's pleasure and that for all intents and purposes my lockdown is effectively permanent. I don't know when I might be released, or even that I ever will. That resulted in a further wave of submissive feelings and a euphoria that I can't really describe properly. I'm in this for the long haul and I couldn't be happier about it.

 

Shit is getting biblical…

Today marks 40 days (and 40 nights) of an orgasm-free existence. I’ve come to accept that my sexual desires are entirely confined to the submissive end of the spectrum now, and I have no wish for that to change. My mind is as effectively caged as my Mistress’s cock.

Instigation of any and all sexual intimacy is now at the sole discretion of my wife and she is rapidly embracing that fact. She is beginning to delight in teasing me, chuckling with glee as she discovers the effect even her lightest touch has on my arousal. My fingers, lips and tongue are the instruments of her pleasure and she is enjoying the hell out of them as far as I can tell.


Here’s to the next 40!

 

It’s good to talk.

Had a long and productive talk with my wife last night. I had sent her the link to this journal not long after I started it and she informed me last night that she had read it and that it had provided insight into what’s going on in my head.


To summarise the conversation, she’s very happy with the direction in which our intimate relationship is going but there’s a lot for her to learn in terms of taking the lead in the bedroom. However, she is enthusiastic to continue down this path and we both agree that we need to continue to take small steps as we progress. We’re also in agreement that at this moment in time, we don’t want it to bleed over too much into other aspects of our relationship. We’re very egalitarian as a rule, she works in retail management outside the home, whereas I have a cushy work from home software consultancy gig. I do most of the cooking, mostly because I’m good at it and we tend to share other household responsibilities although she does do most of the laundry. So we’re not going to move into a 24/7 FLR anytime soon.


I did reiterate that although she is not my primary keyholder, she is the prime beneficiary of its effects. My focus is on pleasing her and that I derive my own pleasure from that (I also derive pleasure from the fact that I am pleasing Mistress Hannah with my obedience and commitment to chastity).


So all is well in my garden of earthly delights and it seems that we’re in for an exciting and fulfilling ride.

 

The answer is 42.

I’m 42 days in, that’s 6 weeks of complete denial and I’m feeling more and more committed to this experiment every day. Truth be told, I’m no longer thinking of it as an experiment but a new way of life and that brings me an extra thrill when I think that this is becoming a permanent state of affairs.

Having said that, my testes appear to have developed new skills, those of escape artist to be precise. At seemingly random intervals ranging from a few hours to a couple of days, one or other of the little buggers takes it upon himself to squeeze back out between the ring and tube. The event is accompanied by fairly intense pain as my plum is squeezed mercilessly on its journey through the gap.

Of course, this invariably occurs when I’m in a location where I cannot do anything to prevent it, so my only recourse is to unlock, reattach and relook when I get home. It’s frustrating and annoying to say the least.

I’m certain that it’s due to a combination of factors; the ball gap being slightly too big, ring size, and the cage being a 3-D printed Cherry Keeper which does allow for a degree of play/give in the plastic, especially in the connector and lock mechanism.

I have a new ring on order (57mm vs. The current 62) which will reduce the ball gap to 14mm with my 51mm tube and 12-13mm with the 61mm.

The plan is that once I have a combination that remains secure then I will order a custom metal cage (probably titanium) to the same measurements. Clearly the metal will have less, or even no “give” so the security of my package will be assured.

 

A fine half century

I’ve notched up 50 days of chastity! I’ll be passing the hat round later (cricket reference that my American readers probably won’t get).

It’s been a fascinating and exciting journey so far and just keeps getting better and better every day. I’m currently on vacation with my wife in the UK and staying mostly at my mother’s house so really intimate moments are quite sparse. Even given those limitations however, my wife is further embracing her newfound power to tease me and direct our sexual activity and doing so most enthusiastically.

Since she has discovered that the slightest touch of her fingertips on pretty much any part of my body has the effect of driving me quite wild with arousal, she has begun to take the opportunity to do this quite frequently, including in public, gently stroking my leg as we’re sitting at the pub or running her hand over my shaved scalp - one of my favourites as not only is it a very sensual feeling, it also triggers my submissiveness as she pets me like a faithful dog. I’ve never been into puppy play but it is the most glorious sensation and feeling.

This weekend we drove to Northumberland and are staying in a lovely hotel in Seahouses. Having a night or two on our own has been lovely and I thoroughly enjoyed bringing my wife to a couple or three orgasms with my fingers both before and after dinner last night. Giving her pleasure is the most satisfying thing I think I’ve ever experienced. Our sexual relationship is being completely rejuvenated and my love and devotion to her is growing in leaps and bounds.

 

Two months is 1/6 of a year...

I'm at 56 days right now, coming up on the two month mark, which beats my previous record by about, oh 42 days or so.

We've been on vacation in the UK for the last three weeks, and as previously reported my balls have developed escapology skills worthy of Harry Houdini himself. Well, we're home now and my new 57mm ring was waiting for us and is encircling my wedding tackle as I write. So far so good, it's been about 8 hours now although I think I'll have to go still smaller as my left nut has tried to squeeze back a couple of times already. I'm at home most of the time though (home office), so it's quite manageable as I can feel it start and I can hoik him back quite sharpish when he starts to do a runner. I think a 54 or even a 51mm ring is the way to go.

I also ordered one of those elastic belt jobs from locked in lust which arrived today. It seems to be doing what it's supposed to, and it may even help with the boys trying to jump the fence a little bit. Time will tell.