Guilt

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Leanne, Aug 28, 2010.

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  1. Leanne
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    Leanne Member

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    Hi All,



    I am hoping you can offer me some advice to help me deal with my guilt.

    I have played at chastity several times with my husband over the past few years, normally it lasts about month or so and then we both lose interest.



    This time round we have been playing with much more intensity.

    My husband is being much more tentative and I am really enjoying myself.



    My trouble is feelings of guilt, this may seem strange to some of you.



    My guilt occurs when I am asking him to do things around the house, tidy up etc.

    I also feel guilty about denying him pleasure when I am receiving such intense pleasure myself.

    He wants me to be in charge more often but I struggle to be dominate.



    It was him who started us off in chastity.



    Any thoughts or ideas would be greatly received



    Love



    Leanne

     
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  2. Rachel
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    Rachel Owned by Mistress Michelle

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    Don't feel like You are taking advantage of him Leanne it is what he wants. For You to have the time of Your life and he wants to be the one to give it too You. From a submissives point of view don't feel guilty he is trying to give YOU a very special gift, himself. i think a lot of Your guilt feelings come from the way women are raised and taught to provide and do things for their mates. Read some Femdome sites and look at the advantages for You. he is trying to make YOU the center of his world so let him. i am speaking from a submissives side who tried to give this very gift to his wife and she turned it down. i had never felt such rejection in my life. Take the ball but don't run with it at first take small steps until Your mind gets wrapped around the idea. i am sure in time You will see a dedication tfrom him like few other women will ever know. Maybe if You look at it as not taking something but receiving something he wants You to have it will help.

    MM's sweetpea
    rachel
     
  3. Spike's Bitch
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    Spike's Bitch Long term member

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    When my wife/mistress became dominant over me I noticed my mood improved greatly. I became less stressed. I got alot more energy. Tons of benefits that far far out weigh doing some chores around the house.

    Plus my orgasm lasts.... Like 30 seconds?
    Thats nothing compared to the excitement of the foreplay, hearing mistress enjoy herself and orgasm, the feeling of being used (incredibly satisfying for me).

    So giving up his 30 seconds of orgasm to get hours or days of pleasure in return is a really good deal for him i am sure!!

    So stop worrying about the guilt and enjoy the fact that nature already solved the problem for you. Men love nothing more then to submit to a woman and do whatever they can to please them. The only thing you have to do is deny his orgasms so that wonderful feeling continues in your husband.
     
  4. mikecb
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    mikecb Long term member

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    Leanne,

    First, you shouldn't feel guilty about giving him what he asked for. I'm sure you're making him VERY happy.

    I think the most important thing to do is keep the lines of communication open. It's OK to tell him that you feel guilty, sometimes. Let him reassure you. Also, give him permission to tell you how HE feels. I think you'll be surprised to find out how happy you're making him.

    Ultimately, it's a game that takes two willing partners. If he is still doing the things you ask him to do, he MUST be willing. Otherwise, he'd stop. Still, you don't want it to get to that point. Just keep checking in. I'm sure over time, you'll discover that the thing that makes him happiest is a firm hand.

    mikecb
     
  5. SubHub72
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    SubHub72 Member

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    When we first started playing with male orgasm denial, my wife was confused about whether she should deny me or let me come. I both wanted to come and wanted to be denied... a confusing fetish! I was usually on my best behavior during a period of denial, so I think that added to the confusion, since it was more natural for her to reward me with sex if I did nice things for her (rub her feet, do extra chores, etc.). What worked for us is leaving my orgasm up to chance. We would role dice and I could not be released until I had given her that many orgasms. In this way, it's not "up to her" but she simply is the enforcer of my chastity. I think that greatly added to her comfort level around denying me pleasure. It was a fun game for us, and my incentives were clear: to receive pleasure from her, I have to focus on pleasing her. I have to do all the work, getting her in the mood, foreplay, etc. and she has the freedom to just lie there and accept sexual pleasure. Maybe you could try a variation of that, trying to tilt the odds to the period of denial that you want.
     
  6. Wench
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    Wench Owned by Mistress Freya

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    My wife has the same problem. She sometimes feels bad about "mistreating me". She'll have me spend all weekend doing housework, pleasure her and tuck her into bed while I'm left locked up and denied... and I love it. Sometimes I am rewarded, often I'm not, it's her decision.

    We talk a lot about what we're thinking and feeling, which I think is the key to having fun. I suggested she repeat this mantra in her head when she's unsure - "be mean, kinky and very very self indulgent", because when we're role playing thats what I crave from my Mistress.

    I feel very happy in our relationship, very close to my wife, and playing adult games with my soul mate fills me with joy. Talk with your husband, my wife and I often chat over dinner and a glass of wine, you'll probably find that "you really enjoying" yourself is exactly what he wants and there's no need for guilt.
     
  7. Mistress Spike
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    Mistress Spike Slettebak

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    Leanne, I know exactly what you're talking about! I used to struggle with that issue as well and sometimes I still have those thoughts. I would feel weird not saying please or thank you and I would ask him if he "could/would" do things for me. I still catch myself at times and I have been at this for around 4 months straight. I know when he had his first bark (it usually happens two or three days after he orgasms) I was completely caught off guard and I lost my dominance for a day. Now I can identify his mood swing, how to handle it and I rarely let him orgasm. I usually paddle him or gag him and it snaps him out of the mood.

    I now dominate him without even thinking about it, which is fantastic because it feels less like work than it did when we first started. I am bossy as hell and loving it! I could even find a use for a few more subs! Haha!
     
  8. ms-laurel
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    ms-laurel Junior Member

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    I so agree with you Mistress Spike...I've been going through this myself, as a matter of fact I almost wrote you yesterday with the same issue... feeling as though I'm not tough enough...he whines too much...lo and behold I gave him a good whipping and I feel so much better!!! Imagine that...I had him kneel and I told him how it is, that I was tired of his whining and I was in charge and that is that. I, too, am thinking I could use another sub or two. :D By the way, another gorgeous picture sister, I love it, you are very beautiful.

    Leanne, this is such a freeing lifestyle...and not just for me but for my sub...this is the happiest he has been in years and years (according to him) and he enjoys doing for me and I deserve it~~you deserve it. We have been conditioned by society to feel guilty if we, as women, don't suffer for those we love. I have been a victim too long in my life. Someone is always in charge in a relationship, it may as well be me. ;) Ms. Laurel
     
  9. Mistress Spike
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    Mistress Spike Slettebak

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    LOL! It does feel good to punish the sub, doesn't it? Whining is just part of their manipulation tactic, which has lost its touch with me. Exactly ms-laurel! Not only is my sub happier, but more importantly, I am happier being in control! I used to feel so claustrophobic and I wasn't in control of my own life (which is not how women should live their lives).

    Leanne, you just have to recondition your brain with repetition to make it second nature. Soon enough you won't even think about how bad you feel about making him fix you a snack just after he laid down on the couch. Mwahaha!
     
  10. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    Communication!

    He has a voice, he can say no.

    If you are a happy couple in a relationship where you communicate freely and are very in touch with each other's feelings, you don't need to feel guilty.

    I think if he was relaxed enough about asking you to do this in the first place, he should easily be able to say when he's had enough.

    That said, they are stubbon little mules, so he may choose to suck it up and carry on... but it's still his choice to do so, not yours!

    Let him know that he needs to make you aware of any mental of physical issues he is having, and then enjoy the ride.
     
  11. Mistress Spike
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    Mistress Spike Slettebak

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    Mistress Watchful, those are excellent points because I think that when it starts to not be fun anymore for either person, they should be free to say so.

    Unfortunately, with my sub, and like clockwork, he would start to complain, say that I am unfair, this is not making him happy anymore and make me think that I am being unreasonable. It appeared as if he was unhappy with the situation. After a lot of strife, I noticed that it was happening after he orgasmed and I learned that this was temporary depression because of depleted dopamine. But he would say things that would make me lose my dominance and make me feel really guilty. Now that I know, I have found ways to deal with this and I don't take him seriously during these periods.

    I also know that he's the ultimate manipulator and will trying anything to top from the bottom to get his way. This also caused stress and guilt, but I also realized that I can just say no and that I can put him back in his place. When I react this way, it also makes him happier because I maintain my dominance.
     
  12. Spike's Bitch
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    Spike's Bitch Long term member

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    Its not fun me anymore! Its not fun for me anymore! Its not fun for...

    :D
     
  13. Joroincharge
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    Joroincharge Lock em up - 24/7/365!!

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    Leanne,

    I'm with most of those who've replied so far. Consciously and/or subconsciously he wants/needs you to dominate him, probably so that he can have the confidence that all domestic decisions (whether sex, housework or anything else) can be made for him and all he needs to do is what you tell him!

    If that's what you're giving him, don't feel guilty at all! Just take full advantage, and enjoy!

    Joro
     
  14. Mistress Freya
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    Mistress Freya New member

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    My sub "Wench" has summed up how I deal with the guilt factor very well. I would find myself not issuing certain tasks as I too felt guilty about him working hard while I laid out on the sofa. I had sometimes gotten up before he woke up to do some cleaning so I did not feel bad having him do the work. I would have to stop myself from saying "can you please......" rather then issuing a direct order.

    The discussions we had about my feelings of guilt helped greatly as I understood how he really wanted to serve me. I also found looking at this as a game and "role playing" helped me to escape the feelings of guilt. Once you let the guilt go you find you are putting your energies into more creative duties, tasks, rewards and punishment for your sub.

    Wench and I have finished our contract and I am looking forward to the next contract. I love him so dearly and find him even more sexy for being "man" enough to give himself completely over to me when we are playing.
     
  15. Jimi123
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    Jimi123 Senior Member

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    I am kind of on the outside looking in (Wondering if we should give this a whirl) I think that its perfectly ok to ask him to help around the house and not feel the least bit guilty Chastity or not. If he is into male chastity or even some mild form of tease and denial I think he is getting what he asks for and that you should not feel guilty giving it to him.


    I might be the virgin new-be on this and perhaps my view on this is more vanilla but if you "reward" him by allowing him to climax you should expect him to be very greatful. Spikes Bitch made some comments about how he was acting poorly after orgasm and I think that whatever plan you come up with that should include some behaviour changes. Is this not the point? By that I mean making him a better husband, a better lover etc? I for one would like this to be reciprocal (He enjoys pleasure as well) but if you use his pleasure to change how he acts?

    And as to this being about domination or submission? I don't even think it has to be that. It can be simply a way to condition new or better actions on his part and to open you to having more power and control in your life.


     
  16. js11756
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    js11756 Senior Member

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    I found this link to be very helpful in explaining the feelings involved. I have never seen it explained so well.

    http://subservient-husband.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2010-08-17T22%3A12%3A00-04%3A00&max-results=1


    js
     
  17. Leanne
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    Leanne Member

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    Hi Everyone,



    Thank you so much for your advice and words of encouragement.

    I feel a little less guilty now having taken your comments into account.



    Let’s carry on with the journey and see where it ends



    All the best



    Leanne

    X
     
  18. Mlockedup
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    Mlockedup Mistress Lola's Servant

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    Females have always had the control, some just don't know it! Use your power, enjoy yourself, lock him up and be in control!
    Mlockedup
     
  19. slave_nemo
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    slave_nemo slave to Mistress Ivey

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    One recommendation: Collar N Cuffs

    It's a website for "normal" women who want (or whose hubbies want) to be Mistresses. It's for women who have children, work, or just plain don't fit the standard Internet version of what a Mistress is. You might just like it there!
     
  20. jerry locked
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    jerry locked Member

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    As a submissive male, who has been locked by Mistress for over a year, I was very concerned that I my Mistress would be domineering, but she was only dominant (there is a difference). She is warm, compassion, and loving, but she also has concerns about taking advantage of her dominance. I told you are the mistress and I am your submissive-enjoy it. Most importantly, we have tremendous communications between each other, and she realizes that my goal is to please her--and that makes me happy. I hope this helps.
     
  21. northoftheriver
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    northoftheriver Junior Member

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    My Goddess takes a slightly different view on this. She says that she is not denying me, but instead is simply saving up my passion. Which I have to say is true, because when she allows me to cum, she does it in a slow, unhurried and tantric-like way, teasing and denying me with her delicate fingers for hours until finally she decides it's time and she allows me to erupt in a blissfully spectacular and copious fashion that pleases her to watch. Goddess says that it is far better for me to have one exquisite and controlled explosive orgasm occasionally, than have a random regime consisting of many mediocre orgasms day after day, and I have to say that I do agree with this.
     
  22. lockednloaded
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    lockednloaded Senior Member

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    I think that is the "key" here.

    My Wife is very much on my wavelength and knows when I'm "having a moment". I also know that if I wanted to be unlocked all I would have to do is ask and she would unlock me-IF she genuinely thought I meant it and wasn't just "having a moment".

    She is the queen of knowing what to say & do and also when.

    Since I moved to being locked up 24/7, I can't say it's been easy and I to be honest where there have been times where I have felt "neglected", but in hindsight these are nothing more than moments of weakness/frustration etc and my Wife can see them coming a mile off and just has that ability to be able to deal with and and head themt off at the pass so to speak!

    It could be something she says or something she does, but she just has that knack of being able to bring me gently back to reality, without actually saying or doing anything directly related to sex or chastity! :blink:

    I don't know how she does it, I just know I'm glad that she does! :D

    Does that help!? :p
     
  23. Madame Domina
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    Madame Domina Junior Member

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    Hello all!

    This was just what I needed to read at this moment. I recognise all of the feelings about guilt and losing my dominance when my husband gets angry or just plain "stupid". I really try not to get sad or getting hurt and now I know I just have to put him in his place.

    We started this game for just over a year ago and it´s been up and down. Right now it´s up, but in a few days I+m going through surgery. This i a perfect opportunity to make him do alla of the work, but we will lose one important thing for about a month. He won´t be able to satisfy me sexually. I really need to find something else for him to look forward to when it comes to my pleasure.

    But i see light at the end of the tunnel. After all this we will hopefully be able to enjoy each other to the fullest.

    I just want to say thank you, even though I wasn´t the one asking the question, but it could have been... :)

    D.
     
  24. chastehubby
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    chastehubby Member

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    Don't feel guilty for giving him what he craves, I would like my wife to be more like you, submitting to a strict mistress feels very secure, to hand over the wheel and give in to her needs
     
  25. chastehubby
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    chastehubby Member

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    Don't feel guilty, the best sex I've ever had was on a holliday with my wife, chaste with no keys (or so she told me) servicing her every night.

    The moments after her climaxing me holding her before she turned away to feel asleep where so full of erotic energy

    He is a lucky man with a wife like you
     
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