I think guilt is making my wife feel obligated to give me release

Have you been fulfilling what she wants instead..? If you have been treating her like a princess and that she is rewarding you with a release and orgasm.. why not..? Thats at her discrepancy. Be thankful to her for releasing and rewarding you.. and perform more pleasing tasks for her… a woman being pleased well will not be obligated to you.. it is righfully her right to deny you and prolong your denial for her own wants.. she will delay.. and deny.. longer. You are getting there.. by then you wish to be rewarded more. Go with her flow at the moment..

 

Nothing will change if you don’t talk about it or let her know that you want it different. Next time she is locking you up tell her that you have heard that to get the most enjoyment from chastity it needs to go for a month or more. Or if you really can’t tell her then perhaps set up a game of chance that you will almost certainly lose, and bet on doubling or tripling the amount of time locked.

something else you could try is at the start of the lock up use dice to randomly determine how many days or weeks. If you look at Dungeons and Dragons and other role playing games there are a variety of dice out there that range from 4- sided up to 20-sided. Try using a 12- sided and say that is the number of weeks. Then stick to it. That way you are taking the responsibility out of your own hands, and still making it a strict time frame because that was what you both agreed to follow.

 

Just tell her that a big part of the reason that you get a charge out of this is because of the power exchange, and you can't feel that power exchange if she always let's you out when you ask. She thinks she is doing you a favor because she doesn't understand what it gives you. Be transparent. If she starts telling you "no" you aren't going to feel like you still have control. You are just going to feel like you got what you wanted. Ultimately, she will either like the dynamic, in which case you will be controlled by her... Or she won't like it, in which case she won't be able to make it work for you either. Try to get the ball rolling with honesty. Otherwise you are just wasting time.

 

Is there a reason why you wait two weeks to ‘jack off’? Why are you not having PIV?
If there’s a reason that would take this to a longer period it could be as simple as saying “I know I’m allowed to cum now, but I’d prefer to wait until you want me inside you”

 

We have to choose our words of begging carefully to avoid confusion. My wife will often confuse the enjoyment I feel being denied and let me come. The thing I believe she needs to understand in the moment is that it is that moment and I might really feel that I need to come, and sometimes just saying it in that way makes her feel the need to please me. I try now to say "want" not need.

 

Your marriage comes before all this, I would communicate with her and have the bo5 of you set up boundaries with this.

the beginning of your post is a little far fetched given the rest of it though man… no need.

 

A very good description of my own thoughts & feelings. I too struggle to let things regarding chastity progress at my wife's pace to avoid topping from the bottom. However, when lock ups do occur, they same to be getting shorter rather than longer. The problem, in part, for the decreased lock up times is life in general but, it does seem her guilt in not allowing me sexual pleasure also plays a large part in my physical & sexual releases. In hopes to express my thoughts & feelings to my wife, I copied your post in its entirety & sent it to her.

 

You explained it perfectly for me.

There is nothing wrong with openly discussing anything, especially intimate relations with your spouse. Like you, I am working very hard at not directing any chastity or associated kink play & allowing (hoping) my wife will take the lead more often than not. However, there is nothing wrong with discussing the activities after they have occurred i.e. that was fun, - thank-you, maybe we can make it better if we did this or that, or that [insert play here] did nothing for me - did you get anything from it?

Not a subscriber of permanent chastity as I believe it is impossible to achieve. As a past sufferer of soft tissue injuries due to the base ring or cage, regular safety checks need to occur resulting in unlocking, proper hygiene, & daily life are just a few incidences which would make permanent lock ups nearly impossible.

Thanks for posting for thoughts & feelings.

 

When you are with someone for a very long time, there are going to be different phases and needs involved. Sometimes, partners want to feel like they are giving pleasure, or pressing buttons or watching reactions. Other times, life gets in the way, and it's hard to maintain a connection without "maintenance sex". It all depends on your own situation. It's hard play with this unless both partner's needs are being met in the long run.

My wife admitted this morning that sometimes she has mixed reactions when I give her a count of how many days its been. She knows that I am looking for some kind of reassurance or to be impressive. But when we aren't feeling a connection, it can feel "unnatural" to her - like "oh crap what if we end up in a sexless marriage". We have been together 25 years and are still working on that balance from time to time.

The other thing is she appreciates me "showing initiative". If I want to play dress up, or forgo an orgasm, it's easier on her right now if I just say or do that without acting like she is in charge. She expressed how much she likes me wearing pajamas, and it's better right now if I just go put them on rather waiting for her to prod me. I think abstinence can also be a little like that - it is less a burden on her if I take initiative to fool around with her (she feels attraction then) and simply tell her I don't want an orgasm right now.

I had one other dominant woman tell me once that she doesn't want her sub to be "pathetic" ie act like a victim, or always have to be forced. She loves it when her sub acts more like a perky cheerleader. It just feels positive.

The common theme here to me is - it sometimes helps to show initiative in the moment, express what you want, don't worry whether is something permanent, make sure your partner knows how attracted you are.

 

I stopped counting the days. It only frustrated my wife.

Unless I want to frustrate her, I will avoid the counting. It's a small sacrifice to make.

 

Me too. I really try to avoid this especially on our current episode. But I get weak sometimes.

 

Welcome to being human

We're all human. It's ok. We're all still figuring this thing called life out ...

 

Just talk to her about it and explain how you feel, your have already got past the initial talk and have her on board with chastity, so just tell her how you feel about it!

 

Sitting down, and having a chat about what you just told us, is not “topping from the bottom”.

As you both learn, this type of discussion is what helps you BOTH get what you each need to be successful. It can be really beneficial if you schedule a regular time to talk. Fix a snack and a nice glass of wine if she enjoys that. Make it special so you both look forward to it.

 

…OR, she likes giving you orgasms but enjoys threatening you with more (in which case she might be hoping to see a bit of fear in your reaction and she’s not getting it). You need to decide what’s more important, chastity denial, or her being in charge of your orgasms. There are a large number of men on this site who say they want their wife to be in charge, but only she does chastity his way. What fun is that for her? If your answer is because I’m better behaved, she’s unlikely to embrace that answer.

 

Telling her how you feel is important, but so is listening to what she says. When a person finally opens up to a partner and plays with a kink - a mind can go in lots of directions. There is fear of rejection to the fantasy a partner will view just how we want. Reality is usually somewhere in the middle and not static.

For whatever it’s worth, control and denial are not always the same thing. My wife enjoys control a bit more than pure denial. Sometimes this can mean denying me. Sometimes it can mean me performing how and when she wants.

It can take a while to figure out what works for both of you.

 

My wife gives me release too often for my taste as well, but I decided to just enjoy it since it is her decision. However, the other night before we played, I told her that this night was her night and that she need not feel obligated to release me unless she just really wanted too. She didn’t. I think that saying that freed her from the guilt if that is what was holding her back.

 

My wife had the same feelings of guilt. She enjoys giving me pleasure and orgasms and it was the largest hindrance to starting this thing. Keeping me locked up until she was in the mood was easy for her, having orgasms herself while I didn’t… not so much.
Finally we had a really good conversation about it and I managed to put my perspective into words. I told her I enjoyed her. A 10 second orgasm was nothing compared to what we did leading up to it. I told her that the longer I go without one the more incredible it is (I used an analogy of eating a favorite food every day or week versus having it as a treat every so often). How being built up is like constant foreplay for me and keeps me thinking about her like I’m a teenager again. I told her that the purpose is not to remove any pleasure from her so if she wants me out to play with me or for sex then she can and will get that, which is still a very common occurrence to this day.
The final helping hand was removing responsibility from her. We keep my denial duration up to a game of chance that way it’s not her specifically saying “no orgasms for X weeks”, it’s just luck. As time has progressed and we’ve both settled into it she has definitely come to enjoy it way more than she did initially and I’ve stopped making suggestions of any kind, letting her figure it out on her own which I think has allowed her to grow into the role naturally without constantly feeling like she’s doing something wrong.
All that being said, I gave her the keys and told her that ultimately it means she calls the shots when it comes to my pleasure. Are there things I’d change? Probably. But she was willing to try something new for me so I’m willing to keep my word and continue to do it exactly the way she wants.

 

This! This is exactly what we went through and it took us forever to get through this. She still struggles with it from time to time but I think she has learned to enjoy getting and not having to worry about giving.

Her whole structural framework is about serving so it took a while to make her comfortable with rolling over and going to sleep when she got hers.

 

This is where we have landed also for the same reasons. If we get the denial durations right, I think it will work great! it's been an amazing ride up to this point!

 

My wife Madame Vanilla was reticent to cage me at all.
She'd accept it for a few weeks then give me the keys back ridiculing the cage.
We re on our 5th trial in 2 years.
This time I have told her that I a man does not NEED to come, ever.
I suggested she unlock me ONLY when SHE feels horny.
She seems a lot more relaxed and she has unlocked my cock 2x in 2 months.
She has me snuggle against her in bed , cage nudged hard into her thighs from time to time
The rest of the time she doesn’t think about neither cage nor cock. Is that denial? Guiltless?

 

I think you answered your own questions. Denial? Yes Guiltless? Sure sounds like it.