Hello again, here is a problem I am thinking about for quite some time and reading here didn't make it much easier. I have thought about breaking this topic into several threads and even leaving some parts out, but even in german (language) it's been hard for me to describe my problems this way so I'll stick to the whole story. And thus the story begins: Everything started when I met my first girlfriend who introduced me to BDSM and later on to chastity as well. Together we explored this wonderful, and for both of new world together. Together we were one, she was the love of my life and I've never experienced that kind of love, mutual unterstanding and trust before or ever since. Thus be said to understand that we would have done everything for each other. Had she asked me (she would never have) to wear my CB forever or live a lifestyle as some here in the forum found for themselfs i would have tried even if I knew it would break me. Everything was just great - until her car accident. Some years later I met a great girl (today she's one of my very best fiends with whome I really can talk about everything) and everything seemed to be great - up to the time when we had to realize that neither one of us could adapt to the others needs / poclivities (don't know what's the right expression in english) and still be happy for a longer time. That's been when I got to realize that a relationship to a vanilla wouldn't work for me any longer. Once I got used to this I got active in some netwoks and local 'communities' (over here it's called 'Stammtisch' but i don't think the translation 'regular's table' would fit it; it's just a group of people who are into BSDM, meet sometmes and just have fun together) as well. That's how I found my last two - let's call them just Mistresses as 'partner' or the like wouldn't do them right due to the fact that this weren't relationships but merely failures. You met several times, talked a lot, had some fun together and sometime you decided that it could work. Well, it didn't. Why so ? Thats what I try to figure out at the moment any why I am writing all this stuff. The first one obviously seemed to believe, she had to make a statement just from the beginning, as she tried to bend rules / limits (both had agreed to before) by giving sentence - chastity until you agree to this or that. - Hell, what are limits for if you try breaking them just from the beginning ? The second one might have thought being a mistress is everything about turning ice once sub agreed to a relationship (was a complete transformation to me), keping distance and pushing limits as well. In the end she called me wishlist slave. Don't know if there's another expression in english, but the term should speak for itself. Actually I found this somewhat funny (at least in a certain way) as I most certainly might have met her demand given some more time... That's been my experiences thus far and now I am asking myself if it's false expectations from my part that lead to the failure of the relationship or something else. Usually it's just normal to me to start any relationship, but especially BDSM relationships, as to me they are everything about trust, somewhat more slowly. But as I got it that's mostly Another thing that quite normal for me is to talk about likes, dislikes or limits before the ralationship, what seems to be a nogo for most Mistresses even here. Why so I don't know. It isn't as if you are making any demands, but just trying to find yout wether a relationship would have a chance, before investing more time and energy. As i don't know if this is any longer the question it was intended to become or just a statement, feel free to answer as you wish.
I don't think you're asking for anything unusual, I just think it's very difficult to find. Any long term relationship must, as you rightly say, start with trust, conversations, learning about one another. As friends instead of lovers or BDSM partners. To break it down (very crudely) when vanillas go out to meet someone else for a long term relationship, there is an unspoken expectation that one day (possibly the first night, possibly after the 3rd date, possibly after marriage) that they will have sex! Sex is not (or should not be) the basis of that relationship. Friendship, companionship, love, support, similar morals and interests should be the basis of that relationship. If the sex is good, then awesome! If it is bad, then the friendship, support, love, etc come in to play. Surely it is the same with BDSM? You meet people in the scene that you hope you will one day have BDSM interactions with. If it is a one-off play, then be safe and have fun and move on. But if you want to build a long term relationship you have to go back to being friends first, seeing if you are compatible on a day to day basis, as well as in the scene. It's not something that happens quickly in the vanilla world. There are less people in the scene, so it becomes even more difficult. Just my thoughts on the matter. Good luck on your journey.
Hi, first of thanks for your reply. Maybe I got something wrong in my posting. I am not or at least (definitively) not in the first place looking for a long term relationship as I have never expected to find someone for that kind of relationship in the web. But on the other hand I woudn't have thought me the kind of guy sufing the web with the 'hope' (seems somewhat to strong, but can't find a word that would fit better) that you might someday find any kind of partner or even a close friend that way. To cut a long story short I would in no way expect fo find a long term relationship that way. I would settle quite fine with a kind of play relationship, but as stated before even that's extremely hard to find. Imagine my surprise when I mentioned chastity (just as another kind of control) to some 'hardcore' BDSMler who are into all sort of kinks (public humiliation, needle play, saline injections...) for the first time and all together wrinkeled heir noses. And that's the same people who are asking for more acceptance and impartiality themselfs..^^ Maybe I have to settle down my expectations even some more. Somehow back in vanilla days everything was much more easier...