How important were your fetishes when searching for a wife/partner?

They may have been little wishes hidden deep inside my head but they were never something i even dreamt of bringing out into the open when i was searching for my future wife. Things have changed a lot nowadays with the advent of the internet, it is easier to express yourself online than was possible before . There were many times that i wished i had been able to bring up the hidden desires before we settled down to married life but for certain my very vanilla wife back then would have been gone in a second.

 

I disagree. I am a firm believer that you lead with what's important to you. Otherwise you don't get it.

When I met my wife-to-be, one of the first things I told her was that I was kinky and poly. Interest in kink is an important part of compatibility, in my experience. If she hadn't been interested, that would have been a showstopper.

Now, I did not give her a detailed list of specific kinks. That would have been ridiculous. But in our first six months we tried a lot of different things together. And it was clear that there was enough common ground to be sustainable.

 

No, my wife and I were very vanilla while dating and when we first married. But the truth is that I hadn't really developed most of my fetishes by then. I had fantasies and wet dreams about female domination, but I had not identified that and admitted it to myself fully, much less talking about it with my (future) wife. I was also only developing my crossdressing fetish. I had by then only a tiny collection of maybe 2-3 panties that were given to me by young ladies or that I found (e.g., dropped by someone in the dorm laundry room), and I had only barely begun to get the taste for trying them on. And chastity and cuckolding were basically completely unknown to me at that point.

If anything ever happened to my wife or to our marriage and I found myself in a position to find a new partner, I think I would definitely have my fetishes in mind while dating, but I certainly don't think it would be the first thing I would mention on a date. Not even close. That said, I couldn't be in a serious relationship or marry someone without being open about it and without knowing that our needs were compatible.

 

Connecting sexualy was important but kinks were not

 

Yes they were high on my list. When we found each other we were both into switching from dom to sub. On our first date she was in charge that night and had me pleasing her most of the night. Yes I had a O before the night was over. That night I knew the kind of life I wanted for the rest of my years. As we were getting to know each other over the next few months we had lots of great sex. So our sexual kinks is what brought us together. We have been married for 7 years now and both are very happy. Although I don't switch now. Just her loving sub/husband

 

So far, the online fetish site messages sent to Me, have only been based on their sexual needs.So haven't taken anyone on from them.

 

Yes, there's a huge difference between saying "I'm kinky and I want a partner who is kinky" versus giving a list of explicit sexual needs. Most of the initial messages that I see from men make me want to cringe.

 

I have blocked more than 5 thousand on most sites.I cannot understand selfishness in a FLR.

 

Compatibility is important.
So I’m not as worried about specific kinks and open to or being kinky.

What’s important is they’re accepting that I’m bi and poly and that I’m kinky. After that all the regular dating things matter.

All that aside I don’t dump my kinks on someone I’ve just met. Instead I feel out how open they are to the things that matter.

 

[

Yes, exactly. Establish basic compatibility, and don't talk about specific activities.

 

My first marriage ended in divorce. It was a non sexual relationship and I was never open and honest about my sexual self. I was in essence, living a lie. I knew I was a submissive bisexual male. When I was single and dating I would ‘go rogue’ and be very submissive in sex. Without telling my partner what I was. A few of my partners kind of got it, or caught on to me. But we didn’t match in other ways. I met my owner on tinder. We both had non sexual profiles. We met for coffee and were instantly connected. We spoke on the phone at night after that coffee date and the topic never came up. Our next date, we went for a hike. While we were walking She, our if the blue, asked me if I was a submissive man. I said yes. And I told her I believed in FLR, she agreed completely. We then discussed our kinks and fetishes. We have been married over a year and we are extremely happy. I’ve never been so happy. We are both allowed to be ourselves 100%. My freedom is my servitude. Her freedom is ownership of me. Freedom is the greatest aphrodisiac.

 

I disregarded mg fetishes when my wife and i dated and when we got married.

That was a mistake and resulted in alot of pain for both of us later.

 

There is a difference between putting your kink first and your fetishes first. There are plenty of kinky women out there, if you look for them. That's essential for compatibility.

Detailed fetishes on a first email show a significant misunderstanding of the way that attraction works.

 

True but there is a middle ground

My Wife and i had significant sexual differences when we were dating which we both chose to ignore and instead we pretended that things would be magically better when we got married.

Things didnt work out that way.

It took many years of hard work, commitnent, and therapy to get things right

I regret we did not deal with our issues up front

 

They weren't important at all because at the time (many years ago) neither one of us had developed any yet.

 

It took most of my life for my kinks and fetishes to materialize. I was in a long relationship that I had not mentioned my developing kinks (which at that point would have been her feet and some mild butt play for myself)until well into the relationship and we never really had a meeting ground after that. We had one kinky night and that was the end of it. No biggie, it was probably part of the demise but by no means the main factor of our inability to work out differences.

With my wife I let her know very sheepishly one night when we were dating that I had to tell her about my past and the things that turn me on. She listened and was pretty quiet but asked a few questions and that was it for a few weeks. All the while things started to change as I was looking for ways to last longer and found edging which quickly landed me onto chastity. I made sure she was going to be ok with all of it so she could decide for herself if she wanted to get involved any deeper.

All this for a woman that had never so much as had a foot massage before I freaked her out by giving one!

I’m glad that I mentioned these things because I would have been lying to myself and her as a result.

Fast forward to now she has grown leaps and bounds and is still trying to find herself in all of it. When she is overwhelmed we slow down and since having our second child this August she said she preferred me locked up because I’m a nicer person and pay closer attention to her. I can’t argue with it and complied.

I feel lucky that she has accepted my kinks and fetishes even if they haven’t all been realized. There’s plenty of time for that!

 

No. But hindsight is 20/20.

 

Short answer no. She actually found me, but what we quickly realised is that we both enjoyed each other's company and I could make her laugh. We were both configurable. Ah, the memories

 

Fetishes were not at all important when we first dated 46 years ago. Although we played with some light bondage of the years, mostly with me as the dominate one, serious fetish play started with chastity a little over a year ago and had grown since then.

 

I met my Wonder Woman in person in an English class, we spoke once and I instantly fell in love with her. My fetishes were not on the priority list at all even when we first started dating, I just felt lucky that such an intelligent beautiful woman was my girlfriend and going to be my future wife. As our relationship progressed after a couple of years I started buying her fetish related bdsm outfits. The fetish outfits phase came and went for her and then she wouldn’t wear them for me anymore. I think she felt a little objectified by me always wanting her to wear them. Things were relatively fetish free until chastity came a long. That’s when she came into her own and really took me by the leash

 

I don’t consider my femme side a fetish so much as part of my identity, but for the sake of the discussion.....by the time I met wife to be 32 years ago I was in my mid 20s and had fortunately become very comfortable with my cross dressing. Being a very different time, I was also pretty sure that I was not going to find a wife because of that, and had accepted that. So when we did meet, and it started to become obvious we had a future, I though it wise to tell her about Barbara. Best decision I ever made in my life. She had never heard of such a thing before, but went off to the library to learn about it. She came back a few days later and I still remember the first thing she said; “well, if you are going to go out in public with me, you need to get a better wig.” She has since told other spouses that knowing beforehand was like the difference between volunteering and being drafted.

I also knew I enjoyed bondage then, and shared that too. And she shared back that she didn’t, but we’ve worked through that to place that works for both of us. My interest in chastity is new (< 5 years) but she actually took to that more readily and kind of likes my “penis jewelry”.

 

Male chastity is the perfect example to see how women and men see things differently. The majority of us guys wanting chastity asked our partners to lock us... in many cases most of the women who were offered a key from their partners were a little weirded out by the idea. After a little more time and understanding a good majority of these women agreed to lock their partner’s and then ended up loving chastity more than their lockees. These couples all had relationships prior to chastity where love and trust were key factors in the decision making.

So personally I think you are better off finding someone you connect with and then when you feel comfortable with them, then divulge your fetishes. Even if your prospective partner is apprehensive at first about your fetishes, if you’re somewhat invested in each other perhaps your partner might be more willing to listen, experiment and venture out with someone she feels comfortable with. Searching for your “perfect partner” isn’t realistic, it’s not likely you’ll find someone who likes all the same things you do. It is likely that you meet someone with some common interests and then build commonalities from there in all aspects of life.

 

I had ZERO interest in being in a relationship with someone who wasn’t enthusiastic about exploring a broad spectrum of Kink! Therefore starting in my teens it was a topic of conversation on the third date. To do otherwise would be a complete waste of both of our time.