My Journey Begins... I hope

So, I posted this in "The Playroom" earlier today, not realizing that "The Vault" existed. I think this is a much better place for the post and it also gives me more room to vent my feelings and develop my ideas on what chastity means to me. Thanks for your patience everyone and I look forward to posting more.

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I’m sure there have been plenty of posts on here similar to this one. However I believe everyone’s situation is different. My wife doesn’t know that I have an account here yet. We have what many would call a “vanilla” relationship. I want to bring the idea of chastity to her gently. I’m just worried that as a man I may not be able to convey to her the value of trying something like this.

Trying chastity with my wife is very important to me because I find it strangely intimate, romantic and intense. I want to throw my ego out and show her that I would do anything for her because I love her. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to be a strong confident man in the outside world. However, at home I want to serve her every need. I want to be there for her in ways I never have been before.

She knows that I am currently abstaining from masturbation. It’s just that lately my “shower orgasms” have felt empty and kind of lonely. I don’t think I want to orgasm alone anymore. I want to share every one with her on her terms. I think it would feel so much more amazing and meaningful. I have a feeling she is a little confused by this. After the birth of our son she gave me a pass to masturbate as much as I want seeing as we wouldn’t be able to have sex. I think she worries that no masturbation leads to stress and anxiety in men. However, my research has lead me to believe the contrary to this.

Now that she is almost recovered from the birth I want to at least try and have a small part of our lives dedicated to just each other. Please understand, I have no delusions about raising a child. Many days we will not have time to be romantic or even intimate. But I feel like if we had a secret game just between us that we could play at any time we would be able to feel much closer.

In my mind there is nothing more romantic than waiting for your woman to let you orgasm. It’s so easy for us men. It makes sense that her pleasure should take priority. I’m just worried that her mind will conjure up images of women binding men in leather and flogging them mercilessly.(I’m not against it but I also don’t seek it out.) She does not have a very dominant nature. In fact she is a very kind, loving individual and that’s a big part of why I love her so much. I just don’t know how to show her that she has this amazing power over me that I find incredibly intoxicating. I would love nothing more than for her to wield it in whichever way she wishes. I think the first step to understanding the amazing power she has as a woman is to show her that my sex drive gets in the way of our intimacy and that my orgasms don’t need to be guaranteed to enjoy her beautiful body.

I would like to ask any KH’s here to explain why controlling your husband/partner’s orgasms is important to your relationship and how it brings you closer. My hope is that after a long conversation with my wife I can bring her here show her how something like this helps so many couple come closer and be more intimate.Thanks in advance for your responses I can’t wait to read them.

 

Thank you for your encouragement and kind replies. It definitely helps knowing there are others who feel the way I do.

Normally I am a man of extremes. When I find a hobby or subject of interest I obsess over it for days or weeks until I know everything I can find about it. I believe in plunging myself into a situation completely so I can do it right or I won't do it at all. However, I understand that when concerning chastity I need to distance myself and focus on other aspects of my life. So, I have stopped all research for the next couple of days to just let things sink in.

It's been four days since my last orgasm. This is the longest I've ever gone without one. Sometimes I get tingling waves of sensation up and down my body. It kind of feels like that weightless moment when the roller coaster passes the point of no return and you begin your plunge to the ground. It feels good and exhilarating in a strange way because I know I'm feeling it for my wife. Also I've noticed my senses are sharper, things seem more in focus, less grey. I've stepped out of my half collapsed farmhouse of masturbation and before me lies a vibrant, golden road leading to where? I don't really know.

My wife still doesn't know the context of my self imposed chastity. I'm not even sure she thinks of it in terms of chastity. I know I need to talk to her soon about my intentions but I feel somewhat ashamed for wanting this? I feel abnormal for some reason. What if she thinks I'm a perverted weirdo and it ruins our relationship? I know this is just anxiety talking and there is no basis in reality for her to react like this but I still feel it. Perhaps I'm just being a coward.

Like a mentioned earlier she is aware that I'm not masturbating. Yesterday we did take a small step forward. Because she just gave birth to our son about two months ago she has been recovering and there has been very little intimacy between us. I felt this incredible urge to just be close to her. Normally my mind would have pushed me to roughly undress her and orgasm as quickly as possible. But this time was different. We cuddled and nuzzled each other. We enjoyed each other's warmth and slowly and naturally this lead to kissing and then eventually a passionate session of making out.

The strange part for me was the fact that I was mentally more present during the whole thing. Showing her affection with the context of making her happy and knowing that no orgasm was coming allowed me to better focus on her desires. Eventually she gently guided my hand to her waist line and my fingers deftly slid under her panties. To my surprise she was soaking wet! Which, ladies as you may know if you're breast feeding getting wet can be kind of hard. Normally my first instinct would have been to mercilessly go to town on her poor little clit. But today, all of my touches, all of my kisses every part of my body was gentle and caressing.

I kissed her deeply, clasping the back of her neck with one hand and gently, almost with no pressure began stimulating her with the other. Her whole body pressed into mine and again I felt a tingling wave of sensation all over. It was amazing. Soon after I grabbed her vibrator and she held it in place wile I carefully fingered her. I could tell she was nervous about being healed but I think she was too turned on to let it stop her. I looked her in the eyes, smiled and told her to lie back and relax. I would take care of her. Her orgasm was almost instantaneous. She buried her face into my neck and the hot breath of her moan rolled down my body while she bucked her hips into my hand.

What I felt next was nothing other than euphoric. I don't really know how to explain it. It was as if I was having a psychological orgasm of my own. I felt this overwhelming sense of joy and pride. I loved that I could do this for her. I loved that she was willing to let me do it for her. However, things were awkward for a moment as she looked towards my rock hard cock pressing against my shorts and then looked at me.

I feel guilty for this because I feel that she has no context. I don't think she is sure where my pleasure and satisfaction stands in our relationship. I smiled and caressed her cheek and told her that I didn't need anything. We cuddled and talked for a while about how she feels mean for not pleasing me. I explained that there is nothing mean about it. She then confessed that she likes how affectionate I have become and she enjoys how excited I am about back rubs now.

Then our son began to cry. Our thoughts shifted immediately to parenting and we haven't talked about the two of us since. I feel like a bad person for not sharing my intentions with the one person I trust the most. However , I also don't want to rush things. I have to talk to her soon. I just have to find the right moment and the nerve.

 

My wife and I have been way too busy parenting to talk about anything romantic or intimate. Which is fine because my son is amazing. However, I think my wife is beginning to take notice of my new subservient attitude. I think she enjoys being served breakfast without having to ask, not to mention all of the foot rubs and back rubs. I also think that she realizes the correlation between my new attitude and my self imposed chastity. Perhaps she is beginning to see the benefits? Who am I kidding, what goes on in her mind will always be a mystery to me. However I am finding myself more in tune with her subtle ques. I am becoming more adept at providing her with the things she wants before she even has to ask. Most of the time it's little things like folding the laundry. I'll tell her it's been done and she'll give me the biggest smile and say,

"Baby you didn't have to do that..."

But I can tell she is pleased with me. And when that happens I get that nice warm tingling sensation up and down my whole body. That in itself is way more satisfying than any orgasm I could ever have. I just hope tonight we can find time for just the two of us to talk things out. I want nothing more then for my self imposed chastity to become an experience that we share.

I've been reflecting on my own flaws and have been contemplating ways to become a better husband and father. I think that I may have an addictive personality. My whole life I have always had something to fill the empty whole in my psyche. In my late teen and early twenties I used marijuana habitually. In my mid twenties after I joined the military I switched to alcohol. For a time I was drinking a twelve pack a day. I would use food to feel better as well. Fortunately I was very active so I gained little weight. But what I was consuming was far from healthy. After my son was born I stopped drinking so much and began masturbating more frequently. Sometimes I would orgasm twice a day. I have never not used a substance or activity to make myself forget how empty I feel.

I believe that part of my emptiness is caused by my gender. A woman's mind is like a super highway of thought with ten different lanes, each lane guiding a different idea, concern or concept. When talking to my wife sometimes I feel like my mind is the box I'm standing in next to that highway. Don't get me wrong, I believe men can focus on one thing like a laser beam. After all we are the hunters. We seek the prey with extreme efficiency. My point is that like chasing prey men need to serve a greater purpose to feel content.

When a man doesn't have a purpose to serve he serves himself. I think a man only serving himself is incredibly destructive. Without a woman's guidance a man will succumb to his baser needs and like a blundering neanderthal will fuck and club everything around him to ruins. I truly believe the greatest purpose a man can serve is the happiness of his mate.

Since I've focused all of my sex drive on pleasing my wife I have felt fulfilled and content. This feels so right and it makes me so happy. I know it makes my wife happy too. She is my greater purpose and I want to serve her for the rest of my life.

 

So, we finally got a chance to talk last night. My wife loves the attention I am giving her. However, she is worried that once I orgasm I won't be so attentive anymore. I jokingly implied that she should then never let me orgasm, to which she frowned ans turned away from me. I offered that if she controlled when I orgasm this would wrap me around her finger and I would want to do nothing more that please her. But, she said that she didn't have the energy or the time to worry about keeping track of teasing me and taking care of our son. Which is understandable. She has accepted my self imposed chastity though, so I suppose that is a small step forward. I think part of the problem is that her hormones never let her think about sex. Last night she said that sex never even enters her mind unless I initiate things. I just don't want to top from the bottom. However, I think things may just have to be this way until her hormones level out and she has a stable sex drive again. Regardless, I will be there for her in which ever way she wishes. After all we've been through, she's earned it.

I haven't always been the greatest husband. In fact, a few times I feel like I've been the worst. I was never taught how to communicate my emotions because I have never had a stable father figure.

My father left when I was a baby. My mother raised me alone until I was five. She is the sole person responsible for my love of reading and writing. She eventually married a man that we both believe now to have an undiagnosed case of bipolar disorder. My father figure was a man with manic highs and angry, vindictive lows. I was never physically abused but I was constantly told things like “You look like shit, go shave.” I was thirteen and I wanted to grow a mustache. One time I forgot to take the trash to the curb so he emptied the trash bin into my bed. He would shove and intimidate me as I grew into a surly teenager. I had no self esteem to say the least. I lived at home with no real full time job or direction until I was 21. I truly believe that is how he wanted things to stay forever.

I was never given any emotional compass and had no idea how to convey my feelings to anyone. So, I would bury my emotions deep until they boiled over into fits of rage. After I married my wife this habit became a huge issue that would nearly destroy our relationship. She wanted a husband that was open and nurturing to help ease her anxieties and make her feel safe and loved. When she would come to me for emotional support I would shut down completely and become cold, distant and numb. There was no way I could help her feel safe in our relationship until I was willing to face my own issues. The problem was that I stubbornly refused to feel anything remotely close to vulnerable. Our arguments would start with me, like my stepfather did to me, raging at her about her neediness and leaving me alone.(The subject of the argument was usually something inconsequential.) I would yell and thrash and hit things. Eventually the argument would degrade to the point that I would stop responding to anything she said and refuse to make eye contact. When she was a sobbing heap on the floor I, like my father did to me, would abandon her and leave the room to sleep on the couch. This cycle of emotional abuse would happen at least once a week for the first two years of our marriage. I don't know why she stuck around. Looking back I can only say my wife is the most patient, kind and emotionally resilient human being I have ever met.

Please understand I am making no excuses for my behavior. This period in our relationship will always be a regret for me. Perhaps it was inevitable. Perhaps she was the only one who could endure my emotionally broken behavior. She didn't give up on me and over time I began to feel what it was like to open up and feel vulnerable to someone I trusted. I didn't like the feeling at all and I resisted every step of the way. But over time I began developing skills that children are taught from the time they can communicate. I began trusting her more and expressing emotions I had never told anyone. I was becoming more in touch with my emotional self.

However, I still had anger management issues. I would still fly off the handle if I wasn't in the mood to talk. This aspect of my behavior wouldn't change until my wife would become pregnant. The pregnancy wasn't planned but I truly believe it was the best thing that could have happened to us. The imminent birth of my son forced me to look back on my past and consider what kind of father I wished to be. Over the next nine months we would both have these intense emotional breakdowns and we would sob together, trying to figure out how to pull ourselves together so we could be the best parents possible.

I knew I had to embody the one thing I never received from either of my father figures. I needed to show nothing but love and support for my family. Two months into my son's life my wife and I have not had a single argument that has lead to yelling. I am so grateful for everything she has given me. I now feel that I need to give everything I have back to her. God knows she deserves it.

I look at my self imposed chastity as a tool to focus my attention on her needs. I feel like I could never do enough to repay her for making me a complete human being. She is nothing short of a goddess in my eyes, a creator of the man I am today. She stitched my soul together from tattered pieces of anger and resentment. The only thing I can do in her presence is drop to my knees and give her all of myself. I love her with all of my heart and from this moment forward I will do whatever she requests without hesitation. I am hers for the rest of my life because she never gave up on me.

 

@Chat408 I totally agree about not pressuring her. I haven't brought it up since our conversation last night. I also think that for me as a man I am making this too much about sex. I don't want it to be about fantasy. I want it to be real and emotional. I want it to be about bringing my wife and I closer together. I think I'm going to give her time to think and process. I will say though already I am seeing subtle changes in the way she speaks to me. Sometimes she will, in a mater of fact tone, tell me to "come here" "go eat" or "take this, I don't want to hold it." I'm not sure if this is subconscious or not.

Also, thanks for the reply chat408.

 

Last night was incredible. After my wife expressed to me her lack of a sex drive I thought I would take matters into my own hands. Just at first at least. It seems that once I get the ball rolling and she’s nice and relaxed she can stay in the mood for intimacy. I ended up finding a post by @Jasmic68 about Yoni massages and knew we had to try this out. All I can say is good find dude! That was the most fun I’ve ever had giving my wife a massage.

Once she agreed on letting me message her forbidden Yoni I got super amped. I was all giddy and excited, I could barely contain myself. The problem was that my son had a busy day visiting relatives and he was over stimulated. It took him three hours just to close his eyes and another half hour to fall into deep sleep. By the time we were ready it was already eleven. But I was determined to do this for my wife because she deserved it after dealing with both our respective mother in laws.

When the mother in laws get together it’s like they feed off of each other’s maternal energies and create the perfect environment to foster stress for my wife. Half way through the visit yesterday I had to take my wife (I think from here on out I’ll call her my goddess because I absolutely worship her perfection.) upstairs and give her a quick foot rub to calm her down. By the late evening my goddess definitely needed some tension released.

At this point it had been six days since my last orgasm and I felt as giddy as a kid on Christmas Eve. I was literally jittery it’s amazing how much sexual energy a man can build up after only six days. I dimmed the lights, put on some Bon Iver and gently undressed her. There’s something about sliding a woman’s panties down past her hips, over her knees, across her smooth calves and shins and to her ankles that is absolutely tantalizing. Although, they always seem to get stuck at the ankles for a moment before they are pried free and tossed aside to be forgotten. Lying there completely naked in the golden glow of the dimmed lamp she was perfect. She gave me a teasing glance before rolling to her stomach.

I knew exactly what this que was. She wanted a back rub first. I was more than happy to oblige. For what felt like an eternity I rubbed my lotioned hands across the contours of my goddess’ back, applying pressure where needed. It’s funny to think about but our entire relationship she has been training me in how to please her and I didn’t even realize it. I know every spot on her back where she gets sore and I know exactly how to make it better. I’ve known this for years now and I’ve never considered that our first year of marriage was her domesticating and taming me for her benefit. I wish I had the mind set then that I have now.

I could see the tension fall away from her as her posture relaxed and her body melted into the mattress. Eventually she rolled back over and spread her legs, bending her knees and planting her feet flat to the bed, revealing her forbidden Yoni. I then eagerly got to work on her legs. She had just shaved in the morning and they were smoother and softer than anything I have ever felt. I worshipped her thighs and calves. I felt that no moment could ever be more perfect.

That is until I looked up and noticed that my goddess was playing on her phone while I was rubbing her. I didn’t dare say anything but I felt this wave of annoyance wash over me. This message was important to me, was she just going through the motions for my benefit? I continued rubbing but my mind was pulled out of the erotic flow of things. I reminded myself that in bed I would give her the lead from now on, so I never mentioned it and continued my duty.

Minutes later I realized that perhaps her indifference to my attention was planned. Perhaps this was a form of teasing. As if to say, “This isn’t a privilege or a reward, you were always going to do this for me because I want it. How I choose to spend my time while you rub me is irrelevant.” Suddenly I was more erect then I have ever been.

I quickly moved on to the Yoni and found it to be meditative for myself as well. At this point she couldn’t focus on her phone and instead laid her head back and enjoyed. I gently lubed her outer lips and mound, playing my fingers across the delicate skin of my goddess like a pianist in a concert hall. Her hips swayed with my movements but her breathing remained deep and relatively silent. Her inner lips opened and bloomed like a pink lily and I played with her wetness to coax her elusive clit to the surface. I gently rubbed in circular motions and soft moans began to escape from her lips. The middle finger of my right hand found its way inside my goddess and curled delicately up to her G-spot. She writhed at this motion and bucked her hips upward. I couldn’t say how long we did this for. In the moment time was not present. We were locked in a tantric bind that lasted for an eternity and only a flash of an instant all at once.

Eventually she pulled my hands way and sat up to whisper in my ear.

“I want you to fuck me.” Was all she said.

She didn’t have to tell me twice. In seconds the condom was on. I kissed her deep and the head of my cock pushed past her wanting lips. In the excitement cause by the massage we both forgot one very important fact that would completely ruin the erotic momentum the evening had built. My goddess was still recovering from giving birth. We hadn’t had any kind of PIV since about 12 weeks ago.

Suddenly she shrieked in agony and I pulled out. We both realized at once what was happening. I told her I would stop but she said she wanted it. She said it was important to get past the pain. I felt horrible doing it but I never got more the my head into her without her jerking away from me. We continued for a couple of minutes and then eventually gave up.

I ended up using her vibrator to make her orgasm. I could tell it was good but not great. Coincidentally I felt the same euphoric shudders while she came as I did last time. I was content with this and told her so.

My goddess smiled and sat on her heels. “No, I want to watch you make yourself come. It will make me happy.”

She giggled and lied next to me, her hungry eyes on my twitching cock. She kissed my neck and I began to stroke. She nibbled and bit and licked and about ten strokes in I was literally exploding all over myself. It was the most come I have ever made in my life. It was crazy, it was everywhere. The orgasm was so intense I blacked it out. I don’t remember how it felt, that 30 seconds of orgasm is a mystery to me. When I came to I was covered from my balls to my chest in come and my goddess just sat there and laughed at me and grabbed my sticky balls.

“I like bossing you around. Even though you came you still like me though right?”

I think she was worried that if I orgasmed I wouldn’t want to do nice things for her anymore. I smiled and kissed her.

“No my love, now more than ever I would anything you ever asked of me.”

“Good, clean yourself up. I want to cuddle.”

 

I agree. Like I said I was a little irked at the fact that she was on her phone because I explained the whole meditative relaxation thing to her but I wasn't about to correct her and kill the mood. By the end though she had totally relaxed into it. However she did say the massage felt very confusing, like she was relaxed but also stimulated at the same time. I think it's difficult for her to get in the right head space for anything erotic right now.

 

So, last night I made a classic rookie mistake. I was still riding the high of our amazing sex the night before and I wanted to recapture just a small piece of what we felt together. I begged and rubbed and bargained with my goddess to allow me to make her orgasm. (I realize now that this is a form of topping from the bottom.) She reluctantly agreed and I gave her a nice long full body massage.

However, when the time came for some erotic rubbing she wasn’t at all getting into it. For a few minutes my goddess just lied there and tolerated my pathetic attempt at forcing sexy time. I finally got the hint and asked her what was wrong. She told me that she didn’t want to receive these amazing back rubs as compensation for my needs. She ended up feeling guilty because she wanted to make me happy but she felt her libido was not good enough for me. She acted as if the whole incident was her fault. I definitely fell into old habits last night and put myself first.

We ended up cuddling for a while and having a nice long talk about the subtle changes in in the dynamic of our relationship over the last week. She admitted that she is naturally a submissive person and has no interest in being in control of everything. Sometimes she just wants to be taken by a strong confident man in bed. Yet, when I initiated things tonight she was completely turned off. I’m very confused as to what she actually wants. After all, that is the whole point of my self-imposed chastity. I want to use it as a tool to better provide my goddess with everything she could ever want or need. We ended the conversation with her stating that she needed more time to think and process everything. I apologized again and told her I understood completely and would back off for a couple days.

I think part of the problem is that we have never discussed any clearly defined boundaries concerning how much authority she has/wants in this relationship. It may be too soon for that conversation so I’m not even going to go near it for now. I also feel that my inability to properly convey my emotions and thoughts when we are actually talking is causing her some confusion. I think I really need to take a minute and outline what my fantasies are and what my realistic expectations are so I can separate the good from the unrealistic. I also think I need to outline what I can provide my goddess in a mild FLR so I can properly explain to her the benefits.

Fantasies:

· A dominant woman who will grab me by the balls and mold me into whatever she wishes me to be by intoxicating me with her sexual power. (Oopse, got an erection typing that…)

· To be controlled by a woman with no sexual limitations

· To be chaste for long periods of time with constant tease and denial to drive me to do anything 24/7

· To be forced into sexual situations that are outside my comfort zone

· To be tied up and guided into a deep and intense level of sub-space through severe pain and teasing

· To be stripped, gagged and humiliated in front of a crowd

The more I think about my fantasies the darker they become. Why am I like this? Why am I not content with what I have? I feel like no matter what level of kink I may experience I’ll always want to go deeper.

Realistic Expectations

· For my goddess to decide when I orgasm and to have the ability to vocalize her sexual needs

· For my goddess to tease me in subtle ways throughout the day to keep me enraptured by her beauty and sexual power all women inherently have.

· For my goddess to actively participate in sex in a dominant way

· For my goddess to make me a better man

Are any of these “realistic” expectations unrealistic? Am I expecting too much too soon?

What I Can Give My Goddess

· A deeper sense of emotional connection

· To be more in tune with her wants and needs so that I may provide for her without her even asking

· To form a bond between us that is unbreakable no matter what

· To give her greater sense of safety and security in our relationship

· To serve her every need with no argument

· To take our sex life to a place that will leave us both incredibly content and satisfied

· To give us better communicating tools so any issue in our lives can be resolved quickly and satisfactorily


Is any of this making sense? I don’t know what to think any more. For now I’m going to keep all of this to myself and let my wife broach the subject when she’s ready. Here’s what I know for sure:

She has accepted my self-imposed chastity. However she has no intention of allowing me to go longer than 6 days without an orgasm. This may be because of guilt or perhaps she feels that an orgasm for men is mandatory for health? My wife has taken part in some minor teasing and has even stated how sexy I look on occasion. (This hasn’t happened in almost 12 weeks due to pregnancy and hormones.) I get the sense that the idea of having control over me frightens her. If I push too hard she becomes sad and experiences feelings inadequacy.

I can’t believe I ever thought beginning chastity would be simple. On the surface it looks like a fun kink. However, the reality is that chastity turn western society’s view of gender roles in relationships on its head. Over the last eight days I have already learned so much about whom I want to be as a man and how I wish to treat my goddess for the rest of our lives. I just want to show her that this strange idea is something that has the potential to be amazingly good for our relationship.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my addictive tendencies. In my previous post about this I forgot to mention my obsession with video games. I’ve been a gamer since Crash Bandicoot and Tony Hawk. I have literally spent entire days in front of a screen playing games. I suppose I am ultimately an escapist. I will do anything to not experience the real world. It’s a big problem for me. I feel that my family could be in a better situation right now if I could only bring myself to face reality.

That being said, since I’ve started my self-imposed chastity (A total of nine days so far) I haven’t felt any urges to play games or drink alcohol for that matter. I think this all ties into my feelings of inadequacy and lack of purpose. I’ve already admitted to myself that I use substances and activities to fill the emptiness inside. The last couple of days I’ve been so happy because I haven’t felt empty at all and I haven’t wanted anything to do with my old escapist tendencies.

However, I now realize that there is a subtle psychological trap laid here. I am in danger of making chastity another addiction. Over the last twelve weeks I have been chasing my “shower orgasms” with a relentless fervor because I just wanted to catch a fleeting glimpse of ecstasy. Every morning when I woke up my first thought was always about my shower and how I couldn’t wait to make myself feel good for a moment. Now when I wake up my first thought is about how I may be able to make goddess orgasm so I can feel that shuddering wave of satisfaction from pleasing her. (Is there a scientific explanation for the shuddering by the way? Does anyone else experience this?)

Over time I can feel myself slowly making chastity about me again. Considering that for now it is self-imposed it would be very easy for me to focus on my selfish needs and play at serving my goddess.

Chastity feels so real to me. But I know that until my goddess accepts it and makes it her own it is still just a fantasy like the video games I play and the stories I read. I want to make it real with every fiber of my being but I know that this thought is self-serving. I have to remember that I started all of this to better serve my goddess who endured my emotionally broken behavior and made me a complete person.

I think that when we eventually talk again about my chastity I want to explore the idea of setting goals for myself that when completed would lead to rewards like pussy licking and ass rubbing. It would make things fun and motivate me to face real life more often. After all, it’s not about my needs. It’s about my goddess molding me into the man she wants me to be. Is this a good idea? Does anyone else do this?

 

@Rumpleforeskin Thanks for the tip I'll check it out. I've been considering investing in some literature. I'll add this one to the list.

 

@boisub First of all, thank you for the in depth response and the encouragement. It really means a lot. I knew when I started this thread I wanted it to be unflinchingly honest. Plus, I have the luxury of remaining anonymous so that makes sharing easier.

The erotic rush feels awesome though. I love it! I just have to make sure that I don't chase it like I have done with other substances and activities in the past. Also, I actually didn't realize it until you mentioned it, but perhaps my wife has consciously put me on an orgasm schedule. It's too soon to tell. I'm too worried about screwing things up to ask her now. I'll wait until the sixth day to see if she says anything.

It's funny because my goal here is to give up a measure of control to my goddess, yet I keep thinking I can control the outcome. I think it's great advice to throw out my fantasies and my expectations and just relax. She'll take things where she wants and I'll enjoy it.

Finally, I think that in an exclusive romantic relationship when one partner decides to reevaluate their sexuality it inadvertently forces the other partner to do so as well. I feel somewhat guilty about this. Perhaps she was perfectly content with the way things were before our sexual hiatus due to pregnancy. All I want at this point is to talk to her about all of this. But I think I'll hold out until Sunday.

Thanks again for the great reply @boisub

 

It’s been ten days since I’ve started my self-imposed chastity. Four days ago my goddess watched me masturbate to orgasm. That one orgasm was very nice but it wasn’t enough to keep me from being frustrated the next day. As time goes on I feel that I may be overly attentive to my goddess’ needs. The frustration that drives me to serve her sometimes causes me to cross the line from helpful to annoying. Here are a few humorous examples:

During a family gathering we ordered Chinese takeout. I got the idea to serve my goddess her food before she would even think to get up and get some. In the kitchen I ran into my brother. While I was preparing her plate we ended up getting into an in depth conversation about the movie Rogue One.

We were discussing what career path a Stormtrooper would need to take to become the guy that pulls the lever to activate the Death Star laser. We concluded that if one was good enough to man a Turbo Laser during an X-Wing assault (X-Wing class fighters have proven time and time again that despite inferior numbers they are capable of decimating any defenses the Empire can muster.) and survive then one might just be good enough to destroy planets. In fact, I’m not sure why the Empire’s go to tactic in aerial combat is to unleash a concentrated swarm of inferior fighters. Like the Persians fighting the Spartans at Thermopylae at some point your numbers become so great they can only hinder your assault. I’m clearly getting off track here. This is exactly why I screwed up. Once I start talking about Star Wars I can’t stop.

As we were talking I was preparing my goddess’ plate, not paying much attention to what I was doing. I soon returned from the kitchen and gave her a smile. She smiled back and my eyes filled with pride at doing this small act of service for her. She then looked at her plate and the smile faded.

“Are you seriously serving me a plate of brown rice right now?” She exclaimed loud enough for everyone to hear.

I looked down and realized that in my distracted state I had poured rice from several different containers to fill her plate with a heaping mound of flavorless nothing. Her eye roll cut through me and she snatched the plate from my hands. She went to the kitchen and served herself.

Another night I had a couple of drinks and I was feeling quite tipsy. On this night we were eating pizza and I thought it would be a really good idea to try and feed my goddess. So I clumsily grabbed a slice and began to thrust the greasy piece of pizza at her mouth.

“Let me serve you my love!” I exclaimed.

She of course recoiled away. “Eeew, get away from me!”

It seems all of my little mistakes happen around food. I’m not sure why but its funny and my goddess finds the humor in it as well. However, as of yesterday I have made the conscious decision to just relax and go with the flow of what she wants. This seems to be working well and we are both happier for it. Does anyone else have funny anecdotes from when they first started out serving their partner?

 

@Nicoftime This is hilarious to me. I'm sorry, it sounds awkward to experience but it makes me laugh. Trying to talk about your day at work while wearing nothing but a collar and a cage must have been one of those moments where it hurts to watch. lol thanks for sharing.

 

It’s been eleven days now and I’ve only had one orgasm. It has been fairly easy until last night. For some reason when giving my goddess a full body rub my brain was going crazy. It was like I couldn’t focus on any one thing and all I could think was how badly I wanted to rub my groin against her butt. I had a few waves of shuddering frustration and my penis was ridiculously hard. I showed her and she teased it and laughed.

I think part of her still expects me to demand sex after a message because she felt obligated to tell me she had a head ache when I showed her how hard I was. Honestly I just thought it would be funny. I had no intention of demanding any satisfaction from her. To be honest I’m not sure I want to go back to the way things were. The way I view women now has totally changed.

I used to work at a bar as a bouncer a stone’s throw away from the beach. In the summer these bikini clad young women would come in and I would look at them like I would look at a Ferrari and think, “That’s nice, I give it a 7.” Yes, I was married then but I always stayed on my best behavior and remained faithful to my goddess because I love her. However, looking back I don’t think I respected her. I took her for granted. For this, I only feel guilt and shame. I objectified her and every other woman I saw because my sex brain demanded satisfaction. Eleven days into self-imposed chastity I am beginning to disconnect the relation between orgasms and my self-worth. I am no better than women and I have no right to judge them on any scale whatsoever. My ego is either fading or becoming less dependent on my sex drive. Either way, I already feel like a better husband and father.

Last night I was watching a yogurt commercial depicting a young fit woman practicing yoga. Before I would have thought something along the lines of, “Yeah bitch, do that yoga for me.”, because I viewed her as an idea that wasn’t necessarily real. She was a character in an ad and I would never meet the actress so I could treat her as I wished in my imagination. My point is that before, my knee jerk reaction was to objectify the female form. Well, last night during the commercial when I saw the woman practicing yoga and then eating her cup of miraculous recovery yogurt I only saw my goddess. I thought, “Good for you, get fit and feel good about yourself.” It’s hard to explain. When I look at women now I only think of my goddess because I feel so close to her.

Chastity has given me the ability to respect and cherish my goddess. Now, any time I see the female form when we are apart my mind’s eye only envisions my goddess’ gorgeous, flawless self in her entirety. I don’t imagine her as an object, but rather this mythical unattainable source of satisfaction that I can only bow to. I absolutely adore and worship her now and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

After reading many journals here I feel that in some ways we all go through similar phases when attempting to convince our otherwise vanilla partners to embark on this journey with us. I think I have entered the phase where I become frustrated because my goddess keeps asking me to do things rather than telling me. I understand that this is my shortcoming, not hers. I am asking so much of her and I feel selfish.

“Hey honey, do you mind completely reevaluating the way you view gender roles in western society. Awesome, thanks!”

I know that every action I take in my day to day life is now done with her in mind. On the surface this seems selfless. However, am I simply serving myself by fulfilling a primitive need to be commanded by a strong female? She may not even want this. How do we achieve balance so that both partners are satisfied? I think this is the true goal I am trying to accomplish.

It’s not about kinks or fantasies for me anymore. It’s about building an indestructible relationship with my goddess. It’s about readjusting the authority we each feel that we have over one another. It’s about encouraging my goddess to be assertive because I know it will build her confidence as a woman.

I have taken some strategies from @keephimcaged and @Jasmic68 to try and show my goddess what she is capable of. I’ve started a private password protected tumblr to better communicate my thoughts with her. It will include love letters, my journal entries here and articles and pictures that I find interesting. I’m hoping this will help her understand where I’m coming from a little better. Thanks for the inspiration!

After all, everyone says communication is key. I haven’s shown it to her yet so Wish me luck!

 

Wow. So much happened, where to start. First off last night was a new record for me. I had gone seven days without an orgasm. It might not seem like a big deal to some, but for me it is a source of pride.

I got around to showing my wife the private tumblr I created. In it I confess my love of chastity and my need for her dominance and I professed my love to her in a thousand different ways. Her response was mixed. She thought it was incredibly romantic that I would dedicate a blog to her. However, after a long talk she concluded that she has no interest at all in being dominant or controlling my orgasms. She explained that her satisfaction from penetrative sex comes from making me orgasm. She wants to feel so sexy and attractive that I can’t keep myself from cumming. If sex ends without that then she feels as if she is inadequate in some way. It just isn’t in her to be assertive I guess.

I think we have realized that the only dynamic that works in our sex lives is one where I am dominant. So, we have come to a compromise. When it comes to sex I will be the one in control. In every other aspect of our lives she will have the final say. During our conversation I thought about discontinuing this journal seeing as pursuing chastity with my wife is no longer an option. For a moment I thought that my chastity journey was over and I would just have to let CM go and never come back. I was already planning my farewell post. However, as the conversation went on I began asking my wife what she thought about scenarios involving her being tied up and having her orgasms denied. She confessed that the idea of submitting to me was very attractive. Our journey has taken an unexpected turn, but it is far from over.

In fact this is only the beginning. Even now the gears of my mind are turning. Did last night’s conversation open up a Pandora’s Box of sexual enlightenment? Did my wife just confess that she would love for me to tie her up and edge her over and over again? In the moment when we were discussing this it took every part of me to play it cool and keep myself from hyperventilating from excitement.

Despite my excitement I also had to come to terms with reality. Currently, with an infant to care for, our wildest fantasies will have to sit idle for a while. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t inject a small measure of kink into our love making. And in fact, after a lull in our conversation I did exactly that.

I excused myself and walked out to the hall, closing the door behind me. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and did my best to center all of the pent up sexual energy that had been bouncing around in me, releasing all of my submissive tendencies. If she refuses to realize her untapped sexual potential then I will just have to show her. I quickly grabbed her vibrator and a bottle of KY and returned to the bedroom.

I opened the door and shut it behind me without breaking eye contact with her. Without a word I walked strait over to where she was sitting on the bed and firmly clasped my hand around her soft, delicate neck. In a firm but also gentle manner I guided her body to the mattress and forced her thighs opened. She resisted at first but my hips slid between her legs and they gave way, spreading wider. She looked up at me a little frightened at first. Our faces were inches apart now. I brushed my lips across her cheek and down to her ear, letting them hover there as my hot breath rolled down her neck. My lovely wife shuddered under my grip and in that moment I felt a strange sexual power over her.

Like the addictive feeling of submission this power was intoxicating. However, I felt confident, strong, tonight I was in control. My lips parted and out of them came a whispered command.

“Kiss me.”

Our eyes met again and her initial fright faded to understanding. My wife’s throat lunged against the firm grip of my hand and her open mouth met mine. Our tongues tangled for a moment and when she pulled away for a breath of air I clamped her bottom lip between my teeth and pushed her back to the mattress. Again, our wet mouths collided and we wildly thrusted against each other like animals. My rock hard cock was quivering from lack of release as it rubbed furiously against the sweet warmth of her mound.

In a brief moment of clarity I pushed myself away from my wife and smiled devilishly.

“I want you naked.”

Was all I said before I tore her pajamas and panties away from her body. Her flawless porcelain skin glowed in the dim light and I realized that her shirt and bra had disappeared as well. My desperately horny mind struggled to keep up with the visual stimulation as they gazed upon the perfection of her breasts and pussy. Every part of me wanted nothing more than to dive strait between her legs and lap up every drop of moisture that rested within the heavenly valley between her lips.

However, that thought came from the old me. If my self-imposed chastity has taught me one thing its self-control. I understand now that to be dominant and control the actions of another you must first be able to control yourself, which is why I will continue to practice chastity. It gives me balance, it humbles me and allows me to be more passionate in the act of love making.

I lied next to my naked wife. I could tell she was experiencing some vulnerability. She was completely naked and I wasn’t. I stripped her because I wanted to see her that way. However, she wouldn’t see my body until I was ready to show her.

I gently placed the tip of my middle finger over her slick clit and began rubbing circles. Again her body shuddered under my touch and I brought my mouth to her ear.

“This is what you wanted, right?”

“Yes.” She whispered.

“You wanted to be taken by a strong confident man. So, tonight I am going to take you. You can’t stop me. There is nothing you can do about it. Tonight you are completely powerless and you belong to me.”

After a while her hips bucked forward into my hand and she moaned in pleasure.

“Oh baby, fuck.”

She only says these three words when she’s close to climax. She will say them over and over again while waves of pleasure wash over her body. I removed my hand and chuckled

“Not yet.”

It was time for the main course. This would be the most satisfying moment of the night for me. The first taste of her sweet pussy bombarded my mind. There were no cohesive thoughts guiding me, it was all just white noise. The salty smooth velvet of her sex glided against my tongue and her head fell back in ecstasy.

I lapped at her until she was dripping. I then wrapped my lips around her clit and began to suck while simultaneously flicking the tip with my tongue. Her bare thighs squeezed my head so hard my vision faded for a moment. Her hips buck and her head thrashed as her whole body quivered under the command of my mouth. In this moment she was truly all mine. After the third squeeze of her thighs around my head I pulled away.

“What are you doing?!?” She exclaimed.

Frustration played across her face as she began to sit up. At first I didn’t say anything. I just wrapped the rough calluses of my palm around her neck again. I let her squirm in discomfort under my stern gaze for several moments until the sound of a low almost inaudible hum penetrated the silence. An uncontrolled yelp escaped her lips as the unexpected sensation of her vibrator caressed her.

My wife sometimes has trouble relaxing when we make love. It’s almost as if she can’t quiet her mind enough to just enjoy the moment. I could tell by her body language that she was quickly slipping out of the mood. I had read an article earlier in the week about hypnotic conversation and thought I would give it a try. The idea is that a person is more susceptible to influence when experiencing pleasurable stimulation. (http://rwddh.blogspot.com/2016/12/hypnotic-conversation.html) In one hand I worked the vibrator, in the other was her neck with my fingers curled up over her jaw line, holding her in place. With my wife securely where I wanted her I began my erotic suggestion with a commanding yet comforting whisper.

“Close your eyes. Clear your head. The only thing you should be thinking of is the amazing pleasure you feel radiating through your soaked little clit and the relaxing sound of my voice. Relax.

Relax.

Relax.

This is what you’ve always wanted. You love being made to writhe under my body. You love feeling immeasurable pleasure through your man’s strong callused hands. You love submitting to my will.”

At the last statement she attempted to break her neck free of my grip. It tightened and she was still.

“Say the word and I will let you free. But I don’t think you want that. Because you know that in my hands lies the power to make you cum.” She moaned again, her naked torso pressing against my clothed body, no longer caring about modesty.

“Repeat after me. I am yours.”

“I am yours baby.”

“Again.”

“I am yours. Oh baby, fuck.”

“Again.” I could feel her tense. I could see her toes beginning to curl. The first waves of climax were close.

“I am yours baby, fuck. Oh baby fuck, oh baby fuck, oh baby, I am yours, fuck, fuck, fuck!”

“Cum for me. Cum for your man.”

Her open mouth ceased to form words. Instead guttural moans escaped her lips and for a moment her body thrashed in climax. It took several minutes for her to recover. However, when she did she looked at me in a way she never had before. She looked completely content and satisfied.

I then unzipped my pants and told her to watch me cum. I wanted her to watch because it was important for her to see what her erotic power is capable of. I wanted to show her, without being caught up in the moment, what affect her beauty has on me. Because it had been seven days since my last orgasm it didn’t take long. At the last second I decided to ruin my own orgasm. (I had never done this before and I wanted to feel what it was like.) I let go of my spasming cock and felt all pleasure dissipate as cum dribbled down my shaft and onto my stomach. I groaned and looked over to my wife who was wide eyed and smiling. She confessed that sitting back and watching for a change was great fun. I don’t think she realized that my orgasm was ruined though.

“That is what you do to me baby. You are sexy and amazing and you make me cum like a champion.”

I kissed her and we settled into a warm, cozy cuddle and for a long time said nothing. When she settled her head in the crook of my arm and sighed contentedly I suddenly realized that she was always the submissive one. It’s just the natural dynamic of our relationship. I tried to change it, but I think right now what we need is for things to stay constant.

As time goes on I definitely want to discuss pushing her limits and opening her world to chastity, bondage and power play. However, for now I think I can be content with holding my wife by the neck and making her cum on my terms.