Nuances, the 'Iron'y of Chastity, & the Need to Defer to Women

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by SmartandObedient, Apr 19, 2018.

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  1. SmartandObedient
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    With encouragement from some of you all, I'm finally starting to post...
    A while ago, if you would have asked me whether I were a a blogger I would have said "not really"...and certainly not a blogger or poster on a fetish website, at that!

    Which leads me to a question I find rather basic: what is this website?
    Is it a fetish website?
    Is it a kink website?
    Is it a lifestyle website?

    What's the difference, if any, between a 'fetish', a 'kink', and a 'lifestyle'?

    For those of you who don't know me, I'm extremely analytical about almost everything.
    Maybe that's a reason I chose to go to law school...or maybe law school made me that way?

    Anyway, I've seen a lot of posts about "why would a woman decide to hold the keys, or control the orgasms of, a male online when there's not really an opportunity for her to get anything out of it?", or statements to the effect of "chastity simply panders to the desires of men to have their fantasies or kinks realized".

    Maybe this is true in several cases, but not in mine...


    Which leads me to the 'iron'y of chastity (no pun intended ;) )

    It's puzzling to me that a man would enjoy being locked in chastity or denied orgasm...
    And if that's really true, then couldn't they simply take a vow of celibacy and become a monk?
    Okay, obviously not because the whole point is a woman being involved in the process...
    But, seriously! I am submissive, and yet cannot say for a fact that I actually enjoy orgasm control or chastity.
    Yet, somehow I'm drawn to it!

    Because for me, orgasm control is only one small reflection, and perhaps a deeper expression, of a more complex and broader 'lifestyle complex' that I believe I have, which is simply the very general notion of the need to defer to women.

    The solid backbone of any interest in chastity I have is the over 20 years of experience that I've accumulated in my vanilla life being a gentleman, deferring to the wants of whoever I happened to be dating at the time, and in a case of doubt when it came to anything sexual (the kicker: I'm still a virgin), always choosing to err on the side of 'what she feels comfortable with' and not of 'what I want'.
    In addition to the above tendencies I have towards women, there are aspects in my upbringing, education, and family life that I believe have greatly influenced me in leading a more submissive LIFESTYLE (more about that to come).

    Which leads me to the conclusion that chastity and orgasm control should be deemed lifestyle choices in some cases instead of kinks or fetishes...and I'll explain based on a personal example...

    I have a HUGE foot fetish. Being at a woman's feet is something I absolutely enjoy and have not had many opportunities to experience.
    But, I would not consider my foot fetish to be associated, by any degree, with any level of submissiveness, because at the end of the day - even though worshipping a woman's feet seems like a naturally submissive act in itself - it's something that I still enjoy. Well, if her feet are super smelly, or if I was told to lick the dirt of a woman's shoes, then that would be (at least in my case) a much more submissive act, since I don't think I'd enjoy that as much...

    Which ultimately leads me to the conclusion that chastity and orgasm control may be kinks and fetishes for some men, while being parts of broader lifestyle choices for myself and others.

    Put bluntly, I would view orgasm denial and lock-up time as punishment rather than pleasure.

    And, from what I've read in the forums here so far, it seems like the line between 'kink and pleasure' and 'lifestyle choice' is somewhat missing.

    Thanks for reading :)
     
  2. bethanise
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    bethanise Long term member

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    Hi again, @SmartandObedient! It was fun chatting with you the other day, and great to see you posting.
    I think that you will find members here who fall into all three of your segments (kink, fetish and lifestyle).
    As far as orgasm denial and lock-up being a punishment, well, it can be, but if you ARE allowed release it's SOOOO much nicer than if you had the chance of masturbating daily, or just getting off however you can.
     
  3. SmartandObedient
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    So you're basically saying that the outcome (an amazing release) justifies the process (denial)?
    What if the government detained you for a year and then let you free on the rationale that freedom feels so much better after being held captive? Not sure how many people would be happy with that...that is quite a stretch in terms of example though, lol!
     
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  4. Breathe
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    Breathe Be true to yourself

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    This. ;) I fondly remember the first few days of denying his orgasms...

    "Three days? You've got to be kidding me. How am I supposed to do that?"

    Flash forward four years and he's entirely 'accustomed' to six weeks or more. In comparison to some here that's not a long time, but we all start somewhere. He regularly takes those gaps in stride... and I think it'll only get better as time marches forward.

    Your following example may be a bit extreme, but the premise is likely the same. Everything is on a sliding scale.

    Think about the kick coffee gives after one doesn't drink it for a while. How sweet sugar is (or tasty the carbs) after you've been on a diet. How nice the sun feels on your skin after a cloudy month. I'd say those examples might align more with the tug-o-war found in orgasm denial, rather than government detainment... :D
     
  5. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Howdy and welcome

    The terms are not the same but some use them interchangeably because it is easier. A fetish is sexualizing an object, and sometimes can only be excited by that object. I don’t really consider a chastity cage a fetish object since most are more than capable of being excited without one. We don’t sexualize the cage, we sexualize it’s results of use.

    A kink is an unusual sexual activity. Who’s to say what’s usual, but since I know of no others that openly engage in chastity, I would say it’s a kink.

    A lifestyle is how we live our daily lives. Chastity may or may not happen on a daily basis, but due to the nature of the cages purpose, and the fact that you can’t quickl manufacture the same feelings, I would say most cage wearers view and participate this as a lifestyle.

    D/s FLR etc, sometimes coincide with giving up control, and become part of a daily lifestyle. It isn’t necessary but it is common. I was perfectly happy with her just unlocking me for playtime and leaving the rest as is...sometimes once you start down this path couples evolve into what feels right. And with her it was all or nothing...either she’s in charge or she isn’t and I agreed to that.

    Some people here have no problems using chastity as a fun exciting way to keep that state of arrousal up, and to spice up a sex life, no roles are changed and the cage is like a sex toy, there to enhance.

    The real question is what each person in this dynamic wants. After 2 years, my cage is no more a sex toy than my jeans...it’s just gets removed less. We don’t find it especially kinky anymore either, although know that it would be viewed that way by others.
     
  6. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    I'm transgender but dont live full time as a woman, mainly due to my job. One thing I can say is that if you quit all masturbation and only have an orgasm when your lady lets you, then the orgasm is off the charts. Sex becomes something so special when it's not taken for granted with sleepy good night quickies. Each time is like the first time and when you cum it's almost spiritual.

    Women also often get more playful than before because they are in control and know that anything sexual that they do isn't something that leads to sex. It just totally changes the dynamic for women and allows them a freedom and control that they have never had.

    There are so many ways to have chastity play in a relationship and you just have to find what works for you. It's definately a challenge if you don't have a partner because most of my self control comes from wanting to please my wonderful KH and I certainly don't want to disappoint her!

    If you really want to head down this road, I'd suggest getting a PA piercing so you can get a really secure cage and truly feel the loss of control to another. You could buy your keyholder something like this and they can release your key when they want. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B071NQ9G3Q
     
  7. LadyMoon
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    ^This. There are definitely people here that strongly identify as kinky and feel that chastity is part of the expression of their kinkiness. There are also definitely people who don't identify as kinky, and see chastity as simply a part of their relationship. You will find that some enjoy chastity, but don't describe their attraction to it or interest in it as "submission." And you will find yet others who don't fall into any of those categories and have totally different views on the role of chastity in their life.

    As to the "irony" of chastity... I tend to call it the "paradox" of chastity. In many men who are attracted to chastity, the conflicting desires for orgasm and denial are constantly at war. These men want both simultaneously, which sounds impossible, but it's what seems to fuel the desire/want/need to be locked up.

    I find it interesting that you draw the line between what's submission and what's not, based on whether it's something you enjoy or derive pleasure from. (e.g. foot worship is pleasurable, so it's not submission; chastity is unpleasurable, so it's part of a submissive lifestyle) I'm not saying your view is incorrect, and I've heard others describe their framework that way also.

    My definition of submission, however, is that it's a choice to hand over authority to someone else, not a particular set of actions or the feelings those actions evoke in you. Neither chastity nor foot worship is inherently submissive; they can become part of submission *if* the dominant decides that those things please her.
     
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