An odd place to be...

Might as well get this started nice and early, even though there's not a whole lot to report as of yet. But there are a few things so why wait?

Prior Experience
The only experience I've had with chastity is a latex bag from Twistmyrubberarm.com. I have been into latex a long time, and I honestly don't remember if I just got it on a whim or if my friend mentioned it to me, but I bought it and wore it a few times before it died the normal death of inexpensive latex. It was quite small and not the easiest thing to put on. I'd put a cockring on first, then the bag. The cockring is an inexpensive vinyl or similar material one a little bigger than I should use but still gets the job done. The bag had a band with snaps, and it was a little tighter than I'd like for longer term wear, but I rarely wore it longer than a scene. Only had one orgasm in it, induced by a vibrator while I was in a latex sleep sack. I could get about half hard in it.

Size
I never thought I had much in size... I mean, I've seen both bigger and smaller and felt I was below average when soft and just on the low side of average when hard. Never really measured, but I would say 5.5-6" hard. Not too long ago, I started tucking with a dance belt for certain outfits, just to keep clean lines and for a little taste of chastity without a device. I can tuck rather well, so again I figured I'm just not that big. I also have a high and tight sack, which is great for tight clothing, which I wear often. Sexually, I'm not much of a top but the few I have topped have had no complaints, most saying it's the perfect size, which I know can be a backhanded compliment or a nice way to say you're small, but as someone who doesn't like big sizes in me, I too think I'm the perfect size for myself and prefer someone with something close to my size.

Then I bought a CB6000S and discovered that I had to use the biggest ring and spacer to be comfortable. I don't like how much the device protrudes, especially with the padlock, as it makes a really strange profile in tights or leggings. I like the next spacer down in size, any smaller than that and it's too pinchy. I'll experiment more with the ring size as I get more comfortable. So I don't know, is that big or small? It doesn't really matter to me, but one huge plus is knowing more about the sizes that feel comfortable based on experience, not self measurement.

First Purchase
Two days ago, I decided to go out to a local shop and buy a CB6000S. I want a Birdlocked, as I feel this would fit better under tights and leggings and the like, as it is more flexible, but there were no local options and I didn't want to wait. I'm glad I didn't because I probably would've bought the wrong size. Now when I do buy one, I'm more informed and experienced and even if I don't like it, I still have this one to enjoy.

I put it on as soon as I got home and wore it until bedtime. As I said, I don't like the padlock as I bulge funny in tights, and while I don't care what it looks like (don't look at my junk if you aren't going to want to see something you don't want to see... your problem, not mine), I am more concerned about damage to clothing. So I simply used a small twist tie in place of the lock.

As I mentioned above, i am using the largest ring and second largest spacer. If I use the padlock, I've been using the largest spacer. It's snug but comfy! I love wearing it! I feel it constantly and it's not difficult to be around by it immediately. Putting it on has been difficult only because I'm immediately aroused just thinking about putting it on, but I'm stubborn and I will get it on. I've put it on at least five or six times in the last two days, and this morning was the easiest so far, so I'm getting the hang of it.

Difficulties
Yesterday, I did experience a little tight testicle pain that persisted for most of the day. I only wore it in the morning and took it off to go to rehearsal for an upcoming show. Nothing that I haven't experienced before from cock rings, and it went away by the evening. I was also wearing a particular tight pair of tights, so I never got any time to really be free until I got home, at which point I put it right on and wore it until bedtime.

Why not longer? I have just gotten back in town, have two rehearsals (yesterday and today) and a show on Saturday, so I've got a full plate and need to keep my mind on those things. When time isn't a factor, I plan on doing an all day wear and then wearing it all night to sleep. Wearing it in public isn't a concern, wearing the things I do is always different and weird to people and I never really cared about that sort of thing. My body, my clothes, my life, and those that don't like it can fuck right off, and if they feel a need to be a bully, they'll learn real quick that I'm not someone to mess with like that. Homey don't play. Comfort isn't a concern so far because it feels great to wear. It'll probably wake me up with a nocturnal erection, which fine as long as I'm not crunched for time the next morning.

Tights?
Yeah, I wear tights. I also wear leggings, skirts, dresses, latex, catsuits and unitards all the time. I'd like to think it's not really a fetish, as I'm not wearing these things with sexual, crossdressing or transgender intent, I just like them and as long as I feel comfortable and don't feel like I'm exposing anything in a lewd manner, it's fine. Most of the time I wear shorts over the tights or leggings, as I work in public and do teach students, some younger than 18, so being professional about it is important, but the look, the feel, and the benefits outweigh any judgement or embarrassment. Usually I'm wearing solid color M Stevens men's performance tights that I get from welovecolors.com, but I have some of their splash color ones, as well as lots of wild printed leggings. I tend to wear all black and wear almost the same outfit every day, so a little bit of color goes a long way and keeps things fun.

I had a major injury some years ago, and being on my feet all day is really rough on me. I find the extra support really helps throughout the day, helps recover faster, keeps me warm in the winter without being too hot in the summer and I don't like showing much skin anyway, so it helps in every regard. I've got fairly muscular legs, but I'm a night owl so they don't see much sun. Tights just work for me and always have, since I was little. They've become more and more mainstream, mostly due to basketball these days, so I get less odd looks now than ever before.

As far as skirts and dresses go, I honestly don't wear many dresses but I have, and would more if I like the style. Again, I'm not going for feminine, I'm going for comfort and function. Skirts are awesome, and I especially like long maxi skirts in winter. I don't wear these to work much, but have all through the years and it's never been a big deal anywhere I've worked. Skirts with tights are more comfortable than pants with tights. I do have some shorter skirts, but shorts are usually more functional.

So far, the CB under tights has been fine. The bulge is way more noticeable than without the cage, especially with the padlock, but with shorts over nobody will even notice. Again, not that I care, but I wouldn't want it to look like I'm shoplifting or snuggling some weird thing in there, although technically I guess I am with the cage!

I'm awaiting the delivery of a new latex catsuit and we'll see how that goes with the cage. I'm worried about the cage damaging the latex, but we'll see. This is also why I haven't plunged into buying a Birdlocked yet, as silicone and latex do not mix (silicone oil is fine with latex but not silicone, and silicone makes latex bubble and disfigure), and I have yet to see anything on wearing silicone devices with latex clothing anywhere. I will be trying the CB with some latex leggings I have though.

I guess that's all I can think of for now, gotta go to rehearsal in a bit so cage time will end until I get home. Tomorrow night be the first extended day of wearing it, but we'll see what needs to get done for the upcoming show first.

 

Difficulties Part 2
Woke up fine with no pain, locked my cage on and posted that last entry, but when I went in to take a shower I noticed that pain back again. It persisted throughout the day again, worse than before. The pain was actually not centralizer in the testicle, but in the "tube" it connects up to. Reading through the forum for similar experiences, I figured it wasn't likely a case of the cage stretching me out a bit. I've worn a parachute before and although it had been a while, I seem to remember a similar pain. I decided not to wear it all on Friday or today, until after the show tonight. I don't want to feel that way on stage.

Because I didn't feel that with the twist tie and only had with the padlock, I'm thinking the lock's weight may be the culprit, either by pulling the top of the cage down (along with the help of the unitard I was wearing) or just by the additional weight. I will experiment tomorrow by wearing it longer without the padlock and seeing what happens. I'm also going to shop for a lighter lock or other possibilities.

Keyholder?
I am my own keyholder. Quoting from my introduction post:

As my opinion on chastity has shifted, I feel like one of the primary advantages would be to eliminate the natural pressures of sex in daily activities. It's a physical reminder that it's not an option, instead of just relying on mental fortitude and willpower to keep that part of me in check, not that I have a problem with that, I'm not much of a sex hound anyway, but I feel like it would take away that part of my thought processes and free things up for more relevant thinking. I also felt like it would make sex seem a little more distant, as it's not as "normal" (meaning common) as what most people are into and would further narrow down the spectrum of the possibility of relationships.

So chastity is a combination of an experiment and pleasure. Like a security blanket, I feel that it will make me feel more comfortable in otherwise awkward social situations where sexual tension could occur. While I do feel very socially awkward, I'm actually a very outgoing social butterfly. I can sit and chat about just about anything with just about anyone, but I do vacillate between a social person and a closed off shy person. I
Sometimes I'm comfortable brbei in a circle conversing, being the center of attention by telling stories or being funny, just tossing in the occasional comment or snark, or sitting alone merely watching everything unfold around me, it just depends on my mood. This is not noticeable at shows, where I may be outside chatting, inside watching the other bands, hanging out backstage with my band mates or just finding a place to be alone. I'm never sure what to do and I just let my feelings dictate what I do. Who knows what will happen tonight? Certainly not I.

I do not care whether I share my chastity or my key with anyone, it's not about anyone but myself right now. Not really in a selfish way, although it could be interpreted that way. I like the idea even though it hasn't been a desire in the past, or rather I like my perspective on what I think it will bring to my life. It may not be that way at all, but the only way to find out is through experience and research. Do I hope to be in a relationship where my partner shares in this interest? Kinda. At this point in my life, I'm okay with never being in another relationship again, although I am not purposely avoiding them. I am however not pursuing one, I will force them to initiate the first move, which basically ensures one will not happen, as it never has before, especially with a female partner. I find that the "normal" status quo of social interaction is still quite strong; women expect men to come to them, and even though homosexuality is much more open and mainstream than ever before, it's still carefully danced around in mixed company situations. There are certainly exceptions to this, and it heavily depends on the people and setting involved. But as my primary social situations are at work and at shows, amongst other musicians and audience members, the setting and vibe tends to be way more conservative than you'd think.

It's always been a thing that musicians (read "rockstars") tend to be promiscuous and open to all sorts of sexual variety when in my experience it's been the opposite. While my own band mates have been comfortable with my sexuality and odd tastes in fashion, at least to my face, other musicians have not been. And audience members tend to be highly judgemental of unexpected stage attire. They have an expectation based on their own criteria and anything that deiviates from that tends to provoke a negative reaction. In my own bands, I've gone quite over the top with stage wear, but while playing with established bands or filling in, I'm very careful to view my stage wear as an required uniform of what the audience expects to see. Mainly because simply wearing anything outside of the norm always reflects in the bottom line of attendance and merch sales, and I will not let my selfish desire of deviating from the norm interfere with the band. I can be comfortable in more "normal" wear, so I don't feel like I have to wear a suit and tie to work or something like that.

While sex drugs and rock and roll are still in full swing, judgment and pigeonholing are as well. A member of a band we toured with was famously snorting cocaine off of and getting quite cozy with a transgendered dancer in the VIP lounge backstage at a show, it was seen as a comedic situation, not acceptance. This same band distanced themselves from me, and therefore our band, quite openly even though we shared a member with one of their other projects and have been close friends and touring mates for years. As soon as I was on the road with the band, all that changed. The other bands on the tour started off friendly and open and became more and more excluding as the tour went on, as backstage talk increased between them. One could say I was merely paranoid of lacking confidence, or that I'm just not someone they liked the more they were around me, but I didn't flaunt nor mention anything about my past history, my points of view of sexuality or fashion, and did not wear anything outside of the expected norm. I'm fairly confident in my assessment of the situation and it was confirmed by the aforementioned member who plays in the other project with them. It doesn't bother me personally, but it bother me that the band had to pay for me being different, especially when I went out of my way to try and not have that happen.

This is also true in the workplace of a retail music store. There are customers who no longer shop with us because of "that tights wearing fag" even though my sexuality is NEVER a topic of discussion, and I'm just not flamboyant in any way. I'm not straight acting, I'm just me, and if you met me I guarantee you wouldn't be able to guess my preferences, activities or nature by my appearance or vibe. I'm just a person. Again, it doesn't bother me when people are judgemental in that way, I have more than enough friends and really don't need any more than I have, as I don't have enough time for the ones I have as it is. Not everyone is going to like me and I get that, and I prefer knowing that they don't like me because it makes it easier to avoid them entirely for both of our benefit. If someone is openly not liking you, they're probably not faking it, but if they're openly nice to you, they could be faking it.

 

Two Day Sabbatical
Didn't wear the CB at all on friday or saturday, but put it on for a little bit this morning and just put it on now after I got home a little bit ago. Won't wear it long tonight, but I truly do enjoy it and really missed wearing it. I hope it's merely a stretching/getting used to thing and not an actual problem with fit. Not wearing it with the padlock, but rather with one of the plastic locks unlocked, just keeping the cage together. Maybe we'll try some longer time tomorrow.

The show went fine, usual number of hiccups and issues but nothing major and all of which are great learning tools. Saw a friend there who I absolutely love dearly and of any people in my social circle that I could talk to about chastity, it would be her. I have to admit she's also just about the only person I currently know that I would consider a relationship with, but I know that I can't provide what she wants and needs and am just too broken to change. I also don't know how she could reconcile my past or ever make something like that work, but if it was with anyone, it'd be her. For now though, our friendship is awesome so I'm perfectly content with that.

So I guess that brings us to a natural topic header...

Communication
The number one priority in all human relationships. The overwhelming majority of problems could be solved with simple, open, honest communication. It's not hard and yet we avoid it at all costs, then pay counselors and psychiatrists boatloads of cash to tell us to do it, and we still struggle doing it.

Look, it's real simple: it's perfectly legitimate to feel the way you feel about something, but understand that your perspective and the way you take things is not necessarily the way things actually are. That's not to say your perspective is off, just that it's not everyone's perspective. The best way to explain it is close one eye, then close the other. They are not in the same place in your head, so they see from different angles. Together the sum allows you to perceive objects in three dimensions. The same goes for communication. If someone says something that bothers you, they most likely didn't intend that result. Together, your perspective plus theirs allows you to see the third side to the story: Yours, Mine, and the Truth.

You can't control how people perceive things, all you can't do is do your best to be clear about what you're saying. More and more communication is a lost art. Texting, forums, email, political correctness and just being polite all result in muddled communication and is not a good replacement for honest face to face communication. We transmit so much more emotional context in our speech and body language and absolutely zero of this translates into the written word or polite society. Our brains are amazing organs that fill in the holes for us but they're subject to our biased personal perspective. Plus, we're so stubborn and afraid of escalating conflict that we settle for our interpretation instead of simply asking, "what do you mean?" It's not confrontational to ask for clarification, and in the interests of brevity and limited time, we try and be compact and lean with our communication, but we're raising our children in this environment and they then perceive that as normal and the way things should be. We're seeing an entire generation of linguistically stunted and communicationally challenged people coming of age every year and it just gets worse. At the same time, we're promoting an "it's not your fault" culture where nobody accepts any responsibility for anything. Just because something isn't your fault doesn't mean that you shouldn't work to overcome it and take responsibility for it.

One major problem is ego. We all think very highly of ourselves and think we are very important. Sadly, there aren't many people who truly are important in the grand scheme of things, and I can say with near certainty that you are not one of them. Don't worry, neither am I, but we think we are. We think we need to answer this phone call or text RIGHT NOW. We don't. "But it's my mother and she needs help!" And how are you going to help by dying in a car accident? You're most likely not at the beginning of a 46 hour drive, and you'll have to pull over and pee at some point anyway. It can wait a couple of minutes, seriously.

I lived in the pre-cellphone age. I lived in the pre-call waiting age. I lived in the pre-internet age. You had to wait to get home to use the phone. You had to wait for someone to stop using their phone to get through to them. You had to wait for a letter to be delivered, read, a response to be written and delivered back to you. The world didn't crash to a halt. Nobody's lives were so severely damaged by this lag time that it was unrecoverable. Most people who work with phone calls or emails will look at the clock and say, "nope, it's after five, I'll leave that until tomorrow" but they can't resist immediately responding to something on Facebook or go around yapping on the via Bluetooth in their ear or car. Trust me, that shit can wait.

Now, I'm not some grumpy old fogie bitching about the kids these days. Again, I grew up in it, I love technology and was right there at the forefront of all of these advancements, taking part and getting sucked into them just as much as everyone else, but at some point as I got busier and busier that I no longer had any time for myself to just enjoy a single moment.

Happiness is not a state of life that we live in, it's little fleeting moments that can just zip on by, bookended by bullshit or other negative things. As humans, our minds are still hardwired for survival in a dangerous world, so we remember negative things way easier than the positive ones, because we learn from them because we don't want them to happen again. There was a time in our evolution that the desire to pet the kitty resulted in being eaten alive by a sabertooth cat and we didn't get a chance to learn to not do that again, but everyone else in the cave was like, "don't pet the kitty, they eat you". So we're wired to pay attention to these negative, damaging, hurtful things more than the happy moments, and we end up miserable in a world where yes, you can pets of kitties and they won't eat you, some will even purr and beg for more. Now you just gotta remember which one's can still eat you. If you don't enjoy the happy moments when they happen before they're gone, you're just left with a bunch of negative shit weighing you down and it's not fun.

I choose to enjoy those moments and everything else can wait. That nice day on the way to work isn't getting interrupted by a phone call or text, I'm only driving for ten minutes and then that person can bombard me with their bullshit. I've got a sunny day and a hawk flying overhead to enjoy.

 

Lockdown
I started the day early and put my cage on. Waking up early after not getting much sleep, on a day that I literally have nothing to do meant that if I had no difficulties I would try an extended wear day. I wore it all morning and around noonish I started feeling tired so I decided to nap, and why not see what sleeping was like in it? Almost immediately upon laying down an erection tried to happen (I guess I really liked the idea) and persisted a while before it gave up. Upon waking up, I had a similar erection but also had to pee. Took care of that and decided I'd do a couple things, get in the shower, and run out to get food. So I got in the shower, took the cage off and cleaned everything, and when putting the cage back on I didn't lubricate the ring at all, because there was some slack in the scrotum behind the ring, and I thought the stretching pain I had experienced might be because of this pulling my testicles harshly into the ring. So when pulling that slack outwards I kinda pinched myself a little bit causing some discomfort, but I went with it and kept an eye on things. I also decided to use one of the plastic locks that came with it and lock it on, knowing I'd have to cut the lock off to get out. I put on a pair of leggings and decided it was just too nice for shorts or shoes, so a longish t-shirt, leggings and flip-flops were all I had on to cover up with on my first little foray out and about. Absolutely no issues, total comfort, and it was really nice to just be out without worrying about anything, but it's not like I wasn't thinking about it. I was assessing the whole experience the whole time and just enjoying every minute of it. Not sexually, not excitement like "I've got a secret", not an adrenaline rush of possibly being discovered or looked at funny... If they're going to look at me funny it's going to because of the outfit, not because of anything else, and I'm WAY past caring about that.

Ate, did some more menial tasks, laid down and watched a movie, might've napped a little again but if so, not much, just got up and went out to get cigarettes and iced tea (added a jacket hoodie for the slightly lower but still beautiful temp) and here I sit, typing this out, still locked up. Since I had such an easy going day, I probably will be up late and not sleep long so I think I'm just going to stay locked until I feel discomfort and see how long it goes. I do have a meeting with my therapist on Wednesday, so I might even stay locked until then and decide if I want to wear it there. It probably won't come up in the session, it's more about checking up with the medication I'm on for the last six weeks or so.

So all in all, it's been an eventful uneventful day, or a productive nonproductive day. A good day.

What topic to miss and ramble about? How about this...

Sex
It's an internet forum, one about a lifestyle that mostly revolves around penises (penii?), mostly dominated by males in some form or another, which means everything revolves around the penis anyway. And when the penis is involved, of course sex is involved. It's all about sex. Whether it's about not having sex, being under control until you do have sex, having sex without your penis involved or whatever, I see a lot of sex everywhere here. That's no to say it's all about sex, but I wouldn't disagree with that generalization even though there are always exceptions.

For someone in my position of not being in a relationship, most often people are talking about hoping to find someone to partner up with that they can share this lifestyle with. I say lifestyle although for many people this can totally be a fetish, myself included. I am definitely enjoying the experience and I don't personally feel qualified to say "lifestyle" for myself yet because I've only been doing it for less than a week now. I don't feel like it's a fetish, but without just calling it an "interest", I'm not offended by the idea of it being a fetish at all. People need relateable labels to describe things clearly to others and it works.

But I have the feeling that anyone viewing this journal is going to be let down because it's not something to get excited about. It's not about sex. There's not going to be great stories of someone dominating me, controlling me, milking me, pegging me, making me service then or me watching someone bang them, it's about my personal journey into something that interested me and excited me enough to jump in and experience it, alone, with only my thoughts and experiences on the matter and how they relate to other aspects of my life. Honestly, I don't know why I'm keeping a journal about it because I never stick to these things. I was on a tour once, 28 shows in 30 days and kept a journal for the first three shows and never thought about it again. I'm famous for just bailing on these things, mostly because at some point I realize I'm just writing it for myself and I feel selfish or egotistical writing and reading about me, for me. Because this journal won't be something to jerk off to, I feel like it's going to go down that eventual path of abandonment. That's fine, because it is all about me, by me, for me. If someone else can get something out of it, that's great, but it's so specific that I don't see that happening.

I'm not saying I'm disappointed by a lack of attention or that I'm looking for feedback or encouragement, I think there are other subforum for that sort of thing and will probably post in those as topics come up that lend themselves towards those, but this is something that's on my mind so I figured I'd dump it out here.

Sex is not important to me. I don't value it. I've never been one to think with my dick. I have never even considered sex when engaging in any relationship with a person. I honestly don't know why this is. I can look at it psychologically and point to my mother's failed relationships, my father's complete lack of relationships after my mother (something I literally never thought about until writing that, although now it makes me wonder if that's a subconscious influence) or my own experiences with failed relationships.

I do feel more comfortable in a relationship with a woman. Having been raised by my mother and my aunt and having never been afraid of being in touch with my feminine side may cause me to communicate with women better than with men. I feel I can talk more freely with women about any subject and I don't feel any sexual tension or desire with connecting with them in these conversations. I am always really good friends with the women in my male friends' lives, but never would I consider anything more with them, that's just not right.

However, sexually I am more comfortable with a man in a receiving (i.e. bottoming) role. I feel I am better sexually when I'm not the one driving the bus, as my primary desire at that point is to increase their excitement and get them off, not me. When it comes to me getting mine, I'm damn good at it and have no problem going and rubbing one out myself if I didn't climax in the activities. If it's good for them it's great for me.

I have never been comfortable topping men or women. I've only done the former once, and it wasn't bad but I really wasn't into it. It was even all about fetish, as both of us were into similar interests and I let him try on my latex catsuit, which he had never worn one before. Things kind of went from there and he was more of a power bottom, so I went with it. I've topped many women... Not a Wilt Chamberlain level, but not a "I wish I did more in my twenties" level either. A contented level. Again, it was never something that was enjoyable and I never felt confident in that role. I never had any complaints or have been blown off afterwards, but I've also never had em knocking down my door for more.

As such, chastity is extra comfortable and comforting to me as it takes that possibility right off the table. I don't want to top people, but I absolutely will if it's what they want, they just better not get their expectations up. It's also one reason why I don't pursue relationships at all. I make them come to me and they don't come to me. No complaints, it works out great. Do I wish I could share my life with someone I care about? Sure! But there's so much baggage and extra shit that comes with me that I don't feel like seeing someone's hopes climb high and get shattered by the reality of it. So I'm good with it. What will I do if something does come up? When someone is persistent and not turned away with each new revelation? I honestly don't know, but I'll be relying on honestly and communication once again if it should happen. For example, I can point them to this journal.

It's at times like these that I truly do feel alone in this universe because I don't see other people treading the same path as me, but one of the things I like to imagine is that we're all one shared consciousness, experiencing and learning as many things as possible through all of our different minds and experiences through our lives. A little far fetched, but no more so than a bearded man in the clouds or a giant spaghetti monster.

Also, I truly prefer travelling my own path, not to stand out or to flaunt individuality, but because I just do not relate to being something else just to fit in. When I look at people, and I'm an avid people watcher, I see a herd of animals all trying to fit into the herd, following the expected ladder of the herd, while still attempting to be an individual within the herd. The car you drive, the clothes you wear, the words you use, the goals and desires you have... These are all laid out before us with example possibilities from our families, local socializing at impressionable ages, school, sports and extra curricular activities, entertainers and celebrities, and the cult of personality. Mostly we are kept in check by bullying and negative impacts of being different. Again, labels and categories help people understand things, so if you're gay, they have expectations on how you will act, talk, dress and carry yourself, and if it's different than that it confuses and bewilders them. Hopefully it also makes the more curious and they're interested enough to learn more and you can become great friends. As a white male, I'm apparently expected to drive a truck, drink beer, engage in various macho dick measuring contests to assure my place in the hierarchy of the herd, and wear camouflage clothing without ever going hunting or fishing. In the music world, I'm expected to be an arrogant prick, have tattoos, drink more beer, do drugs, bang every chick possible and again engage in various dick measuring contests to assure my place in the herd. As I do none of these things, it confuses and bewilders people and they keep me at arm's length. I'm fine with this, I do not want to be in the herd. I'd like the herd to acknowledge and respect me, but I also know that is asking way too much from the common herdbeast. And I do not use the term "herd" as disrespectful, not am I implying they are dumb cattle although I admit in my younger, more pissy years that was the case. It's more observational. We are animals of this planet, we have evolved and grown differently from the others but we still retain instincts from our earliest days and many of our mental obstacles are caused by these instincts influencing us in world where those instincts aren't relevant in the same way, and we aren't taught about these instincts and we think we're so much advanced than that. We're not.

Why are we so obsessed with sex? The natural urge to procreate and survive. Why are we selfish and greedy? Again, survival. Why do we find babies, puppies, kittens and the like so cute? We're programmed to covet and protect our young. Why don't look for certain things in a partner? To procreate with offspring that can survive. Why do our religions condemn non-procreating sex? Because you can't reproduce and therefore survive and keep the set of beliefs and ideals alive. Why do we have irrational fears of things like spiders, heights, snakes, predators, germs? Survival! Why do we explore? Because we need space to expand and continue to live and evolve. I can go on and on, but these are all hardwired instincts in us that we ignore or think we're above.

I've always been a person to not just ask why but find out why through my own experimentation. Why bother with gay sex when straight sex is awesome? Well, let's find out. Okay, I get it. Why do women wear this but men don't? Well let's find out. Etc ad infinitum. Your mileage may vary, but you won't know until you drive the miles and find out. You can listen to other people's experiences, but most people are ignorant and clueless, some proudly so. You might be able to believe them, but I can't. Especially when I see people talking about things I am very knowledgeable about and can tell they simply don't have a clue. I'm supposed to believe them about the things I'm not knowledgeable about? No thanks. I'll check it out for myself, even if it ostracizes me. I'm the man for the job.

 

Thanks, I appreciate it!

 

Slept and woke up still locked up. Went to my therapist appointment and the topic didn't come up, but I don't know if it really needs to. We haven't really gotten into that sort of thing, and I'm not sure we will. I'll cover what it's all about at some point, but it's fairly irrelevant.

Went to rehearsal and stayed locked. Only thought about it once during the rehearsal, and afterwards I mentioned it to my band mates. I figure they should know what's up, they've seen way weirder stuff from me so it's no big deal. In our first band photos I wore my latex catsuit so this is old hat for them.

I go back to work on Friday and will most likely take it off for that. I've been off for a while now so going back without distractions is important. Eventually I will happily wear it to work, but for now it's best not to. Also, making plans for a little latex getaway sometime in June, that's something I haven't done for a while and I'm looking forward to combining chastity with some nice extended bondage play. The guy I'm visiting is excited that I'm bringing chastity into the mix so we'll see how that all goes.

Since that's the thing on my mind, let's continue there...

Latex
My earliest memories involving latex is a dream that I had when I was around seven years old. I remember a guy kind of dressed like a cross between The Riddler and The Joker, although I don't know why, I don't think I had even watched the old Batman show yet, but I remember the green and pink colors, a tight fitting suit and rubber gloves/gauntlets. This weird guy was some kind of villain and he had me all wrapped up in a big black cocoon, like a caterpillar. Many years later I would live out this experience in an inflatable sleep sack with lots of little bondage straps around it, making it look like a segmented cocoon. I was far too young for it to be anything sexual, but I distinctly remember the rubber gloves and black cocoon and it made quite an impression on me. I remember thinking it should've been a nightmare, I should have been scared, but I was fascinated. I continued being fascinated with rubber gloves and catsuits. I think also is where tights, leotards and unitards appeared on my radar, because not long after friends of my mother invited us to their daughter's ballet recital. This girl was a few years younger than me and I would kind of babysit for her and her younger brother while our parents would go out to dinner together. She had a bit of a crush on me and I felt very awkward about it but I'd tolerate it. At the recital though, seeing all of these girls and a couple of boys in leotards and tights really piqued my interest something fierce and I was obsessed about getting tights of my own. We were poor and we could afford ballet lessons until later, but every Halloween I found a way to pick out a costume that involved tights in some way. But latex would get involved until I was old enough to go to adult stores in Chicago. Once I realized that these things from that early dream existed in real life I was driven to find a way to get some for myself. I started by making a latex catsuit with liquid latex and a diveskin and had some socks, gloves, stockings and a skirt. When I had a little money I commissioned a catsuit from House of Whacks, a famous latex store in Chicago which later moved to Las Vegas. Along with a few other pieces, I was on my way to becoming a full latex fetishist. I'd wear latex to conventions, parties, events in the Boys Town section of Chicago and just anywhere I felt like going.

Along the way I picked up on the furry fandom although I lurked around for a while before getting involved personally. I was welcomed into the local furry group and brought my latex fetish with me, having a latex catsuit made with a tail so I could be a nice rubber panther. I met a few people over the years, had my first gay experiences and relationships with them when I came to realize that while I love animals and I love costuming, I really don't have much in common with them.

I was in a serious relationship with a guy that was just an absolute mess of lies and deceit, when I had gotten some interest on my Rubberzone profile. Although we had an open relationship, which my partner insisted on and I really didn't want, the only activities I participated in were friends that he wanted to get with. My compromise I asked for was that I just wanted to know about anything going on, I don't want to hear about these escapades through the highly active gossip grapevine. Of course, that never happened. When someone local to me expressed interest in meeting up, I said I was in a relationship and wasn't looking for anything outside of it. When I ended up completely screwed over and shattered, after picking up the pieces I contacted this person and see if he was still interested. He was. He expressed that his primary interested was putting people in inescapable bondage for as long as they could be in it, but he really wasn't interested in much sexually. I was still a mental wreck from having the rug pulled out from under me and feeling lots of self loathing and pity and felt that the only way someone could enjoy my company was in a situation like that. So I gave it a shot. I visited many times over the years and it was always fun and interesting, but I always feel a little strange in the situation.

See, I don't buy into fantasy stuff. The whole master/mistress thing is bullshit to me because I'm an adult, I'm making the decision to allow this stuff to happen to me and it's not matter of it being out of my control, it's the illusion of no control. It's just a role to play and we go back to normal life for a while. Unless you're rich, you need to work, and there aren't many jobs that are going to allow me to be a rubber submissive 100% of the time, plus the more you do something the more jaded you get and the less exciting it is. Like drugs, a little isn't enough and you keep looking for more. Plus, the fantasy of living that lifestyle is way more exciting than actually living it. Other people can fall into that sort of thing, but I'm far too logical and stubborn to really live it. I'm not saying everyone else is fooling themselves or is less intelligent or realistic than me, just that I look at the reality of it and it's just something I can see ever being a full time thing. You try going on stage outside in August in full coverage latex and see just how realistic that is, and that's not even counting how you're going to severely polarize your audience. I've done it, it's not a good thing. It's best to fit it into your normal life as much as you can, but to expect a full time experience for your whole life is asking a lot from yourself and the person you're with. I envy those that can accomplish this, but not for myself. I like doing lots of different things and boxing myself into requiring something like that just won't work for me.

So I've covered the roots and experience of latex, so what do I get out of it. First of all, it's a wonderful material. It's like a second skin that hugs you tightly yet gives when you move. There's an element of bondage there for sure but also an element of contact. It's like being hugged or pet all of the time. There's also an element of invulnerability I feel in it. I don't mind sticking my hand in a gross drain, getting dirty or greasy, working on things or cleaning things if I'm wearing rubber gloves because no of it gets on me and I can just take them off. I'm no neat freak but I definitely prefer being clean to being dirty and I don't want to shower or wash my hands ten times a day. When a doctor, nurse or dentist puts on rubber gloves to do something to/for me, I like that because I actually feel less embarrassed about what they have to do. It's like a layer of protection. When you scale it up to a full suit, I feel completely invulnerable. Nothing can harm me, I can do anything and I don't feel embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty. I don't feel selfish conscious about someone seeing me naked, because even though I basically am, I'm not. I'm protected. Sexually it just pegs the needle on my feelings. I feel myself warm up in it, I feel every touch on it, and I feel like nothing can harm me physically or mentally. In a submissive role I feel like I'm in my proper uniform for the other person to do whatever they want and I can just take it all off in the shower when we're done and I'm a renewed person again. Probably tired and sore, but revitalized. A superhero suit that I can put on, do anything and then go back to being Clark Kent later.

Knowing myself more now than ever before, I'm sure there's a bit of a defense mechanism there, a way to justify things I would normally question or not engage in. A way to shift responsibility from myself and not feel any inhibition or guilt. A way of saying "that's not me, that's the other guy". An easy way to accept things about myself that might otherwise feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit. Plus it supercedes the self confidence thing. I'm a fairly confident person without being arrogant, but it's really just willpower and courage to deal with the negative aspects of what I'm doing. I'm confident wearing anything, but that doesn't mean I'm not sensitive to people's reactions. I notice when people are looking at me, I'm paranoid about how people will treat or dismiss me because I'm different, I'm worried that I'll be picked on or assaulted for merely expressing a part of myself I enjoy, but at the same time I steel myself for the reactions and put on a brave face and pretend that I don't care. I care, but I care about enjoying myself more than I care about some moron's ignorance. I can take care of myself and I know that most people won't act on their ignorance and they'll just relying on shaming me for going against what society deems acceptable. As long as I'm not being lewd or exposing something I shouldn't, they need to suck it up and deal with THEIR problems, not try and shame me into thinking I have a problem. I have a solution, they have the problem and it's not my job to help them solve it. So I can find strength in that, but over the years I've mellowed quite a bit, mostly because I just don't want to deal with their ignorant bullshit. I'm not going out trying to provoke a fight, I'm just trying to enjoy myself and not at the expense of others.

Latex helps me in many ways, and maybe I'm covering up more than my body with it. Maybe there are deeper psychological issues that it helps me avoid, ignore or pretend don't exist. Maybe it's a tool to help me feel comfortable with things I don't feel otherwise feel comfortable with. I don't question it much and maybe I should, but for now it's still magical and I'm not cynical, bitter or jaded about it yet, and there are very few things I feel this way about in my life. So for now it's here, it's a bit queer, and it's here to stay.

 

Today is my last day off and I go back to work tomorrow, just for two or three days though. I have been off work since March 12th. I work at a small music store. I like to call it a mom and pop shop, but there's no mom or pop. The owner is a fellow musician who still tours regularly and my primary purpose there is to be a trustworthy, reliable store runner while he is gone. Well, the last time he was gone for a week and didn't get proper coverage to help me on the weekend, the busiest days by far. Now, I work alone all the time so no big deal, but after three straight years or working almost every single day, rarely ever able to take a day off except for once a year I visit my mother for a week, but that's no vacation. A long drive each way plus always having something going on while there means there's never time to unwind, and I'd been wound up for a while.

I don't make much money, and what spare money I do make I spend on musical things, so outside of living expenses, all of my profit goes back into the store. I do not buy expensive or unnecessary items and I do not buy items to flip for profit. I buy only what I need. Now, I have a good rig and good guitars, way better than I have ever owned but nothing is luxury. I am also considered an outside contractor for tax purposes, which means I have to pay taxes every year. I set aside the proper amount, but somehow the amount due was double what I had expected, which immediately put me in the hole. Making payments along with my estimated payments for this year would ensure that I made zero money for the rest of the year and would basically be working just to pay for working. Not acceptable.

Add to this that I was not happy by any stretch of the imagination because I had taken this with the primary goal leaving me time for my band. The opposite happened. Instantly, work became my only priority and my available times for the band was less than it ever was. The band was picking up it's pace and I was becoming the drag holding it back. Plus family issues and constant drama and expectations were eating away at what little patience and sanity I had left. I started showing signs of medical issues due to stress, of which I ignored because I just didn't have the time or money to deal with them.

On that weekend alone, I snapped. With all of the stress of a busy day and keeping track of way too many things in my head, all of the sudden I crashed and couldn't remember anything I was doing and I couldn't pick up the pieces to get back on track. This really worried me, I actually thought I was having a stroke, so I gathered myself, found something I could do until I figured it out and got back on track. Later that night, as I was preparing for bed, I started making a list in my head of what I needed to do the next day and I had a panic attack. I calmed myself down from it and was eventually able to get to sleep. The next morning, while in the shower, I had the same thing happen, so I knew I needed to take some time off. So that Monday, I did. I took some time to rest, catch up on sleep and home necessities that I had been neglecting, spend some time with the band and saw a therapist. The therapist listened to my situation and noted that my blood pressure was through the roof, prescibed some medication, and I took some extended time off to figure things out.

Things have gotten better in that time. I've figured out some good boundaries, took care of everything that was looking over my head and no longer felt suicidal and justified in that path. I'm still not happy, but I never was so that's no big deal, but as I mentioned previously, happiness is not a daily state of life, it's fleeting moments that you have to enjoy as they happen or miss out. I'm not missing out on the moments I get to experience. I'm much more balanced now, whether it's because of the time off, drugs, figuring things out or a combination of all three, I don't know or care. It's working.

So I bring this up along because of the looming spectre of going back and how it's going to impact things. I truly don't know, but I will not be wearing my cage to work during this time for obvious reasons. I want to focus on getting back onto the right track without anything to distract me. Maybe eventually work and chastity can be combined successfully, but not so early in either stage of development or redevelopment as the case may be.

As a gift to myself, I decided to go out today, my last day in chastity for two or three days, and by myself a nice comfortable plug that I can wear for extended periods of time, ideally while locked in chastity. I bought a medium sized inexpensive plug similar to the popular Tantus Ryder, and a B-Vibe snugplug #3, which is a weighted silicone design similar to the "World's Most Comfortable Plug". Upon getting home I immediately tried out the smaller one, warming up to the quite daunting diameter of the B-Vibe. Of course, I couldn't wait too long to get that big sucker into me, so it was a quick warm up... I've had it in now for a couple of hours and it is easily the best thing I've ever had in me. I've removed it once and relubed and reinserted it, and oh what a frustrating joy the combination of the plug and cage provide. Upon removing the cage tonight, thus ending a streak of five days locked in, I will reward myself with a wonderful orgasm and look forward to the next day off to get myself back into this wonderful predicament.

How about today's topic to muse over?

Anal Sex
I had been envious of women being penetrated as soon as I had a grasp of what sex was. I wanted that role, I wanted to feel someone inside of me, I wanted to feel the vulnerability and ecstasy that appeared to come from it. But alas, I was born male and I'd never have that... Until someone told me about the male g-suit. Before that, I assumed gay sex was more about the act of domination and putting the recipient in his place as the beta in the relationship, like prison sex or something. Boy was I clueless. Once I realized that pleasure could be derived from the act, I was off and running in my search for this ideal feeling I previously thought was impossible to attain. I started with whatever I could find and honestly didn't get much out of it sexually at first, until I discovered how to do it right. Once I had, there was no going back. I finally found something out of sex that wasn't an obligation or expectation of what I was supposed to do. I started with open minded women and eventually moved on to guys.

In that early exploration period I tried to get a little too much too fast and hurt myself. I never did have it checked out, but I assume it was a tear. Ever since then, anal sex had been painful but doable. Anything that stretched me wider than a certain point, which was every guy or toy worth putting in, reopened that tear no matter how much time I gave it to heal. If I could gradually warm myself up with a smaller toy and move up, I could get to the point where the tear didn't open but it still hurt at a certain diameter. Sometimes I wouldn't get that opportunity to gradually prepare myself and I'd just go with it, the pleasure overriding the pain and never leaving me in a bad state, but I've never been able to really enjoy large toys or men. Skinny and long became my preference, much like my own size, but somehow I've always ended up with guys who dwarfed mine so sex has always been difficult at best. But I still enjoy it, as I just know to prepare myself properly and listen to my body. I can do just about anything I want, but after a certain amount of time I'm done. With a partner, it's never been a problem but by myself it's not long before I need this thing out of me so let's get it done.

Enter the new world of extended wear plugs. Plugs designed with comfort and extended wear in mind. The perfect solution. The two plugs I bought today are perfect for this. The smaller plug actually has a larger neck whereas the big B-Vibe has the skinniest neck I've ever seen on a plug. Extended wear will not be a problem at all. I'm going on five hours right now and it's diameter is as large as a standard shaped plug I have and I'd never be able to keep in for that long without tapping out or constant stimulation. I literally just stopped writing this post after the last sentence and went out to run errands and get dinner. Sitting, standing, driving, walking... No problem.

The best part about all of this is that I'm not longer locked into a window of time to enjoy something. Previously I would have to set aside time to play. It was a rare event and I had to make sure it wasn't disrupting that day or the next if I was going to do more than just rub one out and have a few minutes of pleasure. I've had nearly a week of pleasure with the cage and I think I could maintain these plugs for as long as I want to, take them out for nature's call and put em right back in again and it's not a countdown to orgasm. I would invent little games for myself, rewards and punishments for getting tasks accomplished while plugged or dressed up, mostly in order to force myself to stay in it longer. The primary reasons I'm five days into chastity with only a slight test period is because it's comfortable enough to stay on and I don't want to sacrifice the plastic lock I used. Sure, I could use the padlock but then I have the key and can take it off anytime with only my willpower to keep it on. But with not wanting to destroy this cute little lock, I've been able to go longer than I would've allowed myself and not been able to test the endurance this early in the process.

Well, there I go contradicting myself. I said this journal wouldn't have much in the way spicy sexual escapades and here I am talking about anal sex right off the bat. I guess I'll have to get more introspective and boring over the next couple days of working while not locked or plugged. I'm curious to see if I'll want to cage up as soon as I get home or if I'll be content with a little break. Anything goes!

 

At some point I'm going to edit these posts as I'm entering them on my tablet, which has the worst autocorrect I've ever dealt with in my life. There are lots of completely wrong words or some just missing entirely. I'm going to have to move this exercise over to the computer at some point, even though I enjoy collecting my thoughts outside and enjoying the evening air. No wonder communication sucks these days, this is a nightmare to type and edit on.

 

First day back at work finished, not bad at all but Saturdays are just stupid. Essentially I'm working retail although I don't have any corporate bullshit to deal with. That's the worst part to me, some fucking moron in a cubicle who has never had to work a day in his life dictating policies and procedures for a position he never has nor never will hold. I don't say this without knowing the other side, I was once a moron in a cubicle dictating policies and procedures to hundreds of venues in thirty five cities without ever having worked in said venues nor ever will. The difference is I understood this simple fact and worked with those people to make the policies and procedures work. I didn't invent red tape to force other people into my organizational structure, so I don't tolerate it in reverse. Common sense overrules corporate policy every time. Planograms only work if everyone has exactly the same layouts, and keeping a common theme strips individual locations of the unique things they have to offer.

And as far as customers go: fuck the customers. They're selfish, ignorant, self important, arrogant, rude, inconsiderate and think that they're important. The only leverage they have is that they won't shop there anymore, when that's exactly what I want. It's like being suspended from school. Hell no I don't want to be here, and now you're telling me not to come? Fuck yeah! It's like telling convicted prisoners they can't come to jail today because they acted up. Of course there are good customers, but the ones who think the world revolves around them can die in a fire, I wouldnt even piss on them to put the fire out.

This whole self important, self centered thinking shit is a result of people being told the customer is always right, by being told that they are all special little snowflakes, and by letting them get away with anything without consequences. Just the other day I was in a drive thru and I could hear the entitled prick in front of me getting pissy with the kid in the drive through. "No! You're not listening to me!" Well, he's trying to hear you in a busy restaurant, with your radio on, with your truck's loud engine and special snowflake exhaust, in the middle of the dinner rush, and you can't even be bothered with getting out of your car. Convenience just isn't enough, you also have to belittle the poor dude who probably hates his job and can't get anything else yet because he's still in school. He didn't get hired to screw up your order, he's trying to do a good job, but because you had to repeat yourself once you have to berate him.

I'm lucky that if customers get that way with me, I can point at the door and literally tell them to go fuck themselves. I can actually do that. Now I don't need to do that, I've never been in a situation where I've needed to do that, but just having that pressure release valve is nice if a customer is flat out rude or just plain wrong and can't take it. Not having the pressure of having to kiss an asshole's ass is weight that's not on my shoulders, whereas in a corporate retail store, you could be completely in the right and that asshole gets rewarded just out of corporate policy of not being confrontational or contradictory. "Oh dear, you had to repeat yourself?! I'm so sorry! Here, this order is free." No. Just... no.

But I'm rambling about something I don't even have to tolerate. But yeah, most customers suck because most people suck.

So back to good stuff! Immediately upon getting home I locked myself in my cage. Used the padlock this time because I'm not wearing it to work tomorrow, but I totally could have today. But that wasn't good enough, I had to put that awesome plug in me too. Now I'm content.

It's funny being content over something like this. I don't feel perverted or kinky by wearing my cage, just the opposite in fact. I feel anti-kinky because sex CAN'T come up. It's also not something I'm just going to pop into a conversation. "Hey lady, can I get that door for you? Don't worry, it's not flirting, my dick is locked in polycarbonate!" But the plug... that's different. Maybe it's because I don't really associate my penis with sex, but I do associate being penetrated with sex. Even though the plug can be removed, it's not locked in or anything, if I really want out of this cage I can get out so it's the same really. But I do feel more perverted and kinky while plugged. I do feel like I'm hiding this kinky secret, whereas I don't with the cage. Funny how that works. I'm not saying one is or isn't kinky, just how I feel about it, and I'm intrigued by it.

There's a lot of psychology in sex so there's lots of sex in psychology. Our brains are so hardwired for sex, so much of our lives and social interaction revolves around sex and our biggest motivator and stresses are derived from sex. We learn about sex from our environment. Some people like to say that were born a certain way and I would disagree with that based on my own experience. I was not born straight, gay or bisexual. Even if I was, I have no memories before the age of three, so how would I know? However, my environment definitely provided education, options, examples and opportunities. Not much on sex with other men, except for knowing how I worked and I could do that to another guy, but I couldn't have oral or anal sex with myself, I just knew how my dick worked and what turned me on and I figured the former was universal while the latter was more personal. I learned as I went along and figured out a lot along the way, but the one universal truth I learned is that absolutely anything could be sexual. Anything is fair game.

So, back to the brain. Why it connects certain seemingly unrelated things with sex is beyond my comprehension, but I know that when you push those buttons right, sex goes from satisfying to unbelievably awesome, no matter what those buttons are. And one thing I know about myself is that I'm a good button pusher. Usually in an asshole way of saying just the right thing to offend or enrage someone, but this odd skill works just as well in sexual situations. If I know something gets you off, I know when is a great time to push that button. I'm a good co-host, and that brings me to my topic for today...

Submission
Again, psychology plays a part here. I'm sure my comfort with letting someone else drive the bus has something to do with a fear of failure, a lack of confidence and a fear of rejection and that all three are tied to events in my past. At the same time my father wasn't much a part of my life as my parents divorced when I was three and he wasn't nearby. So I didn't have a strong male role model to witness and emulate. My mother had boyfriends, but none of them lived with us and she didn't remarry until I was a teenager and I figured I knew it all, like teenagers do. Instead I was raised my mother and my aunt, strong independent women who I saw as authority figures as well as role models. It was very easy to examine and express my feminine side because I saw the examples right there in front of me every day. Instead of seeing things from the perspective of the men they were with, I saw myself as one of them. I struggled with gender issues, but have never considered living as female for reasons I mentioned. I knew I was male and I would rather make it work in my own unique way than try to be something else. I saw it as an advantage because I understood girls really well, while I understood boys just as well because that's who I hung around. As I've said before, sex was never that important to me, so I never saw my male friends as sexual or relationship options. It was my friend Craig that was a hound and was the first of my friends to be obsessed with girls. At first I just tagged along and then I'd get dragged into things. He'd want to get with a girl, the girl had a friend, let's double date. Shit like that. I went along with it, but was never comfortable. I did the expected things, but honestly was more interested in their minds or their clothes. It was never about this race to "get some". So early relationships were awkward and I realized that I needed to communicate and define things at the beginning because if they were expecting just another "guy", I wasn't it.

I guess the first inklings of sexual roles came up when in the normal Freudian way I was attracted to the women who shaped my life and raised me, strong independent women who knew what they wanted, weren't shy about it and didn't hesitate to say it like they saw it. However, I never wanted to be a lesser to them, I just wanted to be at my best, and my best is not a dominant, leadership, "king of the castle" type of person. I'm better as the glue. My strengths cover their weaknesses and vice versa, but I'm equally important in the relationship. I am not a lesser, even though my role doesn't place me at the head of the table.

This is what appealed to me about the furry fandom. I didn't want to be treated as a subordinate or a slave, I wanted to be more like the family pet. You love your pet, you take care of your pet, you understand your pet's limitations and provide what the pet needs that I can't do on its own, but your pet has an important role that nobody else can fill. Whether that's good company, a non-judgemental ear, a shoulder to cry on, an adorable distraction or unconditional love, a good pet fills a hole in your life that no other person can do. Instead of a master/slave, dominant/submissive, or whatever/whatever relationship, I loved the idea of an owner/pet relationship and still do.

That's not to say that all other relationships aren't on equal footing, or that all other submissives are lesser than their dominant counterparts, but everything is a give and take and I have a lot to give, but in order for me to feel comfortable and secure, there are things that are better when someone else does them. When working on a project with someone, I'm like a great nurse in an operating room. If you need a tool, it's already in my hand and I'm holding it out to you. You need anything and I'm already in the process of getting it. You sneeze and I've already got the box of tissues. That's what I'm good at. Ask me what needs to be done or expect me to just take charge of a situation and handle it is not going to provide the desired effect. It'll get done, but you would've done it better. When I'm in charge I just do everything because I don't want to put anyone else out, and then I feel defensive because nobody is helping and nobody has my back, and then I'm just a pissy asshole. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to everyone else to put me in that situation where I can't excel. Expect failure or at the very least, mistakes. And I won't do it the way you would have, so if that's a prerequisite, you should do it yourself and have me help. Everyone will benefit.

This all comes because of a conversation I had with a friend online this morning where she made a comment that I am a true submissive and that it was endearing. Someone else asked what the definition of a true submissive was, and while I don't remember it verbatim, the paraphrased version was that it was someone who desires to be submissive regardless of what I get out of it. It's not sexual, it's not euphoric, it's because I'm more comfortable in that situation and it's not a game, it's not to get something out of it, and it's not to avoid responsibility. I take it very seriously and I don't devalue who or what I am, I'm not lesser that needs to be put in their place, I'm not looking for punishment or reward, and I'm not doing it with some preconceived notion of what I think it should be. I don't call people master, sir or mistress, and certainly don't capitalize those words to try and imply some deep meaning and put them on a pedestal to be worshipped and subservient to. I am subservient because it's what I would be doing anyway. Your drink is empty, would like another? I'll get it. Not because I have to, not because I'm supposed to, but because it's what I feel I should do. I want to do nice things for people, I want to be helpful, I want to be caring because I feel it's the right thing to do and I like being the best person I can be.

I don't enjoy humiliation, I don't enjoy punishment, I don't enjoy being bullied and I definitely don't enjoy being mistreated, primarily because it means I did something wrong and I want to do things right. I shouldn't need to be put in my place if I know what my place is. I should be there already. I don't need formal words, capitalizations or lack thereof to represent my role in my relationship, I should be doing that naturally by my actions. I don't need to be kept in check because I'm already in check. I don't need to be punished because I'm already devastated that I did something wrong. I am way worse on myself than anyone could ever be. If I wanted to feel like a piece of shit, I've got plenty of people and situations in this world where random strangers are more than happy to make me feel that way, I don't want someone I love making me feel like that.

As usual, your mileage may vary and I'm not making judgements on other people's relationships or if they use any of the things I mentioned that just don't work for me. I find names like master and mistress to be contrived and unnecessary. It's more of an act, a facade, to me. But that doesn't mean I don't respect it for others. Like labels and categories, people need certain things even though they may not apply to me. And really it comes down to reality over fantasy to me. The fantasy of a domineering mistress or master might be fun for scene, but I just don't see how it can maintained on a daily basis for the length of the entire relationship. I'm tired even thinking about keeping up what I see as an act, even though for some people it works and it is most definitely not an act. I'm a multidimensional, multicapable person and I know better than anyone how to put myself into a situation where I can succeed. I am already disciplined, I don't require discipline from others.

And this is why communication is so important to me and why I feel relationships are impossible for me. Look at how much I've already written on this awful tablet all about ME when I consider myself to be the least important person I know. I don't have an ego, I'm not saying my way is better... My way is just as fucked up as the rest of me, but it works even though it severely narrows down the possibilities for companionship. But I'm okay with that because compromising this and living in a situation where I'm not treated right and I'm not capable of doing my best just makes no sense to me. And if it doesn't make sense, why would I do it?

Obviously I've put a lot of thought into this, most of with from analyzing or witnessing failed relationships. And yeah, it works for me and probably me alone on my little island of reality. So how can it apply to anyone else? All I can say is question WHY you want what you want and try to define the things you want versus the things you need. Try to quantify the motivating factors in your life and what gives you the momentum to carry on. Try to understand why things make you happy so they're easier to recognize and embrace when they happen. Try to discover where these desires come from so you don't take them for granted. And most of all, always try to do the right thing for yourself, because it's easier to then apply that logic to others so you are also doing the right things for them and don't take them for granted either.

I've learned all of these things long after it was too late. I could've saved myself a whole lot of stress and anguish by learning these things sooner and identifying situations that just weren't ever going to work. I would've been able to avoid poisonous relationships I was pressured into because of impatience or outside influences that made me say "why not give it a shot?" I've lost everything, and I mean everything, at least four times and I've been back at square one so many times I might as well just make it my home. It wasn't worth it.

On some days I have no regrets, on others regrets are all I have left. So it just depends on how I'm feeling at the time I think of it. But doing things the hard way appears to be my modus operandi.

 

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate it.

Exactly. There are plenty of people who won't like you because of that because you're different, some are jealous or envious and some just can't comprehend any other way besides fitting in with the herd. I'm the opposite, I just can't comprehend doing what everyone else does just because that's what you're "supposed" to do. If someone is already doing that, why do I need to be? I never wanted the normal life, and I certainly don't need to be looked up to or try be a role model for other people because I just don't know anybody else with my background or point of view. So I'm not clearing a path for anyone else to follow, I just hope people can see that there are many paths you can take, you don't have to stay on the well trodden one. It's not easy, but nothing worthwhile is.

I agree, which is why I'm so careful clarifying that I'm not generalizing or stating facts, I'm just explaining what my points of view were and are with these things and how I got to here. That's why I'm constantly using the your mileage may vary thing.

Right, also I can't make these statements about chastity from years of experience or introspection as I'm just learning them now and pouring them out onto the page as I'm experiencing them. It's very stream of consciousness writing and many times I'm realizing a lot of things just by the act of typing them out here. I don't have to keep these discoveries locked up in my own mind where I have lots of other things that take over and distract me from ruminating on the feelings it is stirring up. It's a process of learning and discover for me as well, and I know that I'm not going to find someone out there with a similar frame of reference as me that I can read and say, "yeah, that's how I feel too!" Instead, I can be inspired and learn from the things as I try to make trsndlstr them from thoughts and feelings to the written word. It can be quite theraputic as well as enlightening. I'm glad someone else is getting something out of this besides me.

 

Another day of work, and another immediate lock up as soon I got home. Again, it's not something I thought about during the day, until I need to go to the bathroom and realize, "oh yeah, I don't have to sit down!"

Because of the situation that happened a couple months back and the fact the shop I work at falls into an environment that's a cross between a pawn shop and a barbershop, there are a lot of hilariously unrealistic stories and juicy gossip going around about me. I personally don't care, I'm used to people whispering assumptions behind my back and musicians are some of the most petty gossip queens you'll ever see. It's actually quite funny to me, but I'm pretty much deciding that I really don't want to be immersed in such a toxic environment anymore. It's just not worth it and I'm so tired of people who haven't matured since high school, where they peaked in their personal human evolution.

I'd like to think I'm a fairly intelligent person, and I assume I usually come off that way to most people, but the reality is that I'm blessed (cursed?) with a very good memory, an attention to detail, a desire to learn and grow, and a pattern based problem solving mind. So while I'm not inherently intelligent, I can collect data, organize and sort it, recognize the patterns within it, and apply it to a solution. My solutions are not always sound as I'm limited by the data available to me, but it's works more often than not. However there are always going to be gaping holes in my fundamentals as I'm not learning by traditional methods. It comes with the territory.

Arrogance, conceit, self centeredness, ego, self importance, entitlement... These are things I definitely do not feel. I can be confident, but I look at more like stubbornness and courage. The odds are very likely that I'm wrong, that my viewpoint or limitations will keep me from succeeding in the situation at hand, but I can't let that stop me from pushing forward and working with what I've got. If I do, why bother doing anything at all? It's way safer to just do nothing. I can't get let down, I can't fail, I can't be wrong. And there's always something new to learn or experience regardless of the outcome, and most of the time I rely on apathy in difficult situations. That rarely works though because most of the time I do care, I just justify it by trying to convince myself that I don't care.

And that brings us to a topic...

Relationships
Not just intimate or sexual relationships but everything from aquaintances on up. All relationships are awkward for me. How much do I reveal? How much can I trust? How much am I going to have to give or give up? How much am I going to have to do? Do I even have the time to devote to this person? What are going to be the consequences of this failing,as they all inevitably do? These are the things I'm considering with every person I meet, not quite that analytically, but they certainly cross my mind. When someone I just meet once becomes a more regular acquaintance, to being a friend, to being a closer friend... And again, not necessarily ever intending to be a sexual partner, like a friendly customer who comes in and we have a conversation, then they are a more regular customer, to a weekly customer, to "hey wanna have a beer?", to "hey we should get together and jam sometime" or "can you stop by my place to help me with my studio/guitar rig/etc?" to becoming friends, regular friends, maybe even band mates. Everything has the possibility of being an arc.

This of course applies to more intimate relationships as well. I've already mentioned several without going into much detail, but two are specifically relevant in my thoughts on this, and those are the friend I saw at the show, and the friend that I visit and enjoy latex and bondage play with. These are quite possibly the longest and most significant intimate relationships of my life, the former being a person who I have never had a sexual moment with and the latter being one that is based solely on sexual moments, but both are fractured relationships in significant ways.

The first is a girl I've known just short of twenty years. We've had all night discussions on many occasions about every topic under the sun. She is the only person in my life that never fails to bring a smile to my face and upon reconnecting we embrace for solid minutes of time. We can talk about absolutely anything and feel a kinship and understanding that is a solitary connection. So why are we never closer than that? The simple answer is I won't make a move and she hasn't, but there is way more than that to it. The truth is far more complex. She has dated several of my friends, and she knows my relationship history just the same. I don't want to ruin that connection by subjecting my life upon her and dragging her down, or having her question that since she's not male and not looking for anything more than a solid, stable, loving relationship, can she provide what she thinks I want and/or need sexually? Would I stray and break her heart? Could it even work? Without trying we can never know, and neither of us have taken steps to try. But even though we haven't taken those steps, what we have already is so valued and important that it's okay to remain here. What we have is something we've never had in any of our relationships and it's more important to preserve that than possibly give it up for what could be something more but result in something less.

The second is purely sexual, but also at arm's length. The only actual physical, penetrative sex between us is me performing oral on him. He has no desire for any other form of sex with me or anyone else. He has shown no interest in anything more and prefers someone that is more of a toy, a guinea pig to perform experiments on, someone to bind in place and allow anything to be done to them. We've had long conversations and connect with many interests outside of kink, but never in an intimate manner. Guy stuff like sports, cars, pop culture, and mostly things of the past because he's older than me and I've always been a bit anachronistic, so unlike most people my age, I have a lot of knowledge about things from his youth. But it's never been just lip service to pass the time between scenes, it's been a true friend connection. Things haven't gone beyond that for the same reason, neither of us has made a move towards that direction.

These two polar opposites are a microcosm of my own lifestyle. On one hand, I can be a loving, caring, trustworthy companion who someone can talk about their deepest darkest secrets, fears and feelings without expecting something more. On the other, I can be absolutely anything someone desires sexually, flexible and malleable to anything without judgement or negativity. I just can't seem to be both of these people at the same time. I can't connect these two worlds into one relationship and I definitely can't maintain them on a daily basis, both work sporadically, spontaneously and periodically but not regularly. I don't know why this is, I've always figured that it's just because I haven't met the right person that perfectly aligns with both worlds. But seriously, what are the odds of that really happening? All of this time, experience and understanding hasn't resulted in anything even close to it and I can't logically believe it could even happen.

In a fantasy world, a Utopia where these worlds, these two people, can combine into one, can that even function without the normal arc and eventual entropy of a relationship anyway? In my experience, I'm going to have to say no. Everything has a lifespan, but that doesn't mean one shouldn't try to achieve such a conjunction. But knowing that neither situation is ideal and may not even be desired by the other parties is enough for me not to pursue them further. Not out of fear of rejection or failure, but rather out of a feeling that if is not broken don't fix it and an unwillingness to force the other world onto either. As mentioned before, I just enjoy the happiness while it's in the moment instead of seeking it.

Am I being a fool by missing out on the possibility of more? Is the risk of losing either world worth the reward of an amazing companionship? Am I fostering this separation by not being the one to step up and be the catalyst in taking the next step? And do I even really desire more?

Aha, now we reach the real question. Am I willing to give up my freedom and cut important elements out of my life to incorporate these relationships into my daily existence or am I comfortable in my ivory tower of isolation? Part of it is defensive, for sure. I don't have much of anything left to cling onto after pouring all of my resources into failed relationships that required compromises that left me with giving anything while receiving nothing. I refuse to be selfish or self centered by expecting something in return, but at the same time I am being selfish by refusing to give up the comfort and security I have.

I've always been good on my own. As a child my mother worked a lot, and our existence was mostly just the two of us, which really meant me occupying myself. I read a lot, I have a great imagination and I've always been creative to some extent which is a great solitary time sink. I also grew up at the end of the television age and the beginning of the computer age. Being capable of immersing myself in books, television, movies, video games and creative pursuits meant that I didn't require constant companionship along the way. I also spent all of my school vacations and most weekends at my paternal grandparents' place in rural Indiana, where I could wander and explore vast areas of the outdoors and experience a completely different world than suburban Chicago. This dichotomy of urban and rural, along with my own personal dichotomy of masculine and feminine traits gave me a point of view that nobody else I have known has had. I felt cultured and enriched by so much more than what my normal little worldview would have been without those two worlds colliding. Spending time with people my own age at home and absorbing culture and the social paradigm meant I was never disconnected from my own generation and home environment, while spending time with my grandparents and absorbing knowledge of their lifetime and a much simpler, less congested environment meant I was never ignorant to the past and other environments. Life is different in the city from the country, and much has been written about the juxtaposition of the two, but they are truly two different worlds. As I write this, I can hear the roar of tire on the highway, police sirens, a train horn, the occasional car stereo or tractor-trailer downshifting... A constant background of noise. At my grandparents' place, it was just as loud, but the background was frogs, insects, trees, animals, and no signs of human life. The first night I spent in our new house in DeKalb, with the earlier referenced toxic relationship with the deceitful cheater, my first real dedicated relationship with another male, it was DEAD SILENT. The silence was actually deafening. Having been a musician almost all of my life, I have a significant amount of hearing damage and a constant ring or static in my ears, so that complete silence meant the only sound to focus on was that noise and it was maddening. It was like the absence of all life around me and it was not pleasant. I require that background noise for comfort, and it doesn't matter whether the background noise is the grind of humanity or the ambience of nature. But the absence of all sound was overwhelming.

These contradictions and dichotomies are what make up me. I accept and welcome them, because I think it means I am a multi-faceted, multi-cultural, multi-dimensional person, the sum of which make up the whole. And this is how I am able to accept the weird quirks of my sexuality, and why I feel a relationship with just one person is impossible because unless that one person has a similar background, they can't possibly understand how hard it is to reconcile worlds so distinctly separate from each other can be combined into one world.

How is this relevant to others? Well, as unique as my life and environments have been, I'm not the only person to have seemingly opposite worlds collide in their lives. In fact I'd assume that most of us have had to learn how to combine concepts that are polar opposites to each other into our own paradigm. They may all be different from others' experiences, and we can always focus on what makes us different but we can also focus on what makes us the same. The world today forces us to choose sides on a wide spectrum of issues, and if you are not firmly seated in outer extremes of those spectrums you obviously are not "one of us". We fight so much to fit in while we fight so much to stand out. We want to be part of a group while remaining independent. We focus on our differences so much that we don't see what we have in common. We are one species, one singular lifeform that comes in many different forms based upon genetics and environment. We are highly influenced by things outside our control, and yet we also specifically choose things to influence us. You can find your place in a crowd, but you don't need to give up your individuality to do it. And even though you want or feel the need for something in your life does not mean your life will be meaningless or miserable without it. You do not need other people to share every experience with, but you also don't have to keep things hidden because of a fear of rejection or exile. Rejection isn't that bad and exile can be great.

I feel that I stand alone in this universe, even though I see commonality and continuity all around me. I'm not afraid to stand alone, but I'm also not afraid to share my life with anyone. Balance is a wonderful thing, as long as you allow yourself to look at the long view as well as the short view. There's so much that we simply for efficiency, don't let complexity daunt you.

 

Ended up working on Sunday as well, and I'm planning a trip to Tennessee on Friday, so combined with two rehearsals I've got a pretty full week, but no more work. I'm visiting my mother for a few weeks and I'm contemplating whether or not I'm going to take my cage (almost definitely), plugs (maybe), and mention any of this (maaaaaaaybe). Its not that she doesn't know about my quirky activites, just that she's not really interested in hearing about them.

Today's chastity update is that I did pick up two new padlocks with a plastic sleeve one them. I'm not worried about noise, tights keep the lock from moving and I don't care if there was noise anyway, but I do worry about the lock hitting the cage right on it's seam. It doesn't seem smart. As soon as I got home from work yesterday I locked myself in and took a nap. I wore the smaller plug yesterday for a while, but it is nowhere near as comfortable as the B-Vibe. I can leave the B-Vibe in indefinitely without a problem, but putting it in requires a bit of a warm up, and removing and replacing it to use the bathroom through the day gets to be a chore. A sore chore! I wasn't going to wear a plug at all today, but I lost a pack of smokes somewhere so I had to go out and get some just a little bit ago. As a punishment, I decided if I'm going back out, I have to go out plugged. So, the little one is in again. I might give myself a little reward tonight, but we'll see.

Latex update is that my new catsuit is being shipped on May 30th. I ordered on March 3rd, with a 33 day manufacturing time that puts them well overdue. Not a good sign, and not likely to get a good review. I also am not excited about the possible quality with the service being this poor. At least they've remained in contact.

So how about a topic?

Bondage
I think my interest in bondage stems from the same dream as latex, being bound up in that cocoon. I also think it ties in with my love for tight clothes as it can be seen as a form of very light bondage. I certainly feel like my love for latex has more to do with bondage than my love for tights/leggings/catsuits/etc. Combined with my submissive personality, being bound is a wonderful treat that triggers many desires at once. I'm also not picky or jaded when it comes to bondage. It doesn't have to be tight, inescapable, certain materials or methods... everything works. Just wearing a collar or cuffs, unattached to anything, is satisfying. My favorite is being hogtied or in a sleep sack, but both require another participant to do right. I have done a lot of self bondage over the years, but more often than not it's more effort than it's worth so I don't bother. Sometimes though it's the perfect thing to scratch the itch.

One of my favorite things about the furry fandom is their love for collars, cuffs and harnesses. Domesticated animals are usually seen leashed or harnessed in some way, so it's quite common and acceptable for furs to adopt this, even in public. The furs I've had relations with all have enjoyed bondage to some degree, so I've had a wide variety of experiences. All of my relationships with other furs have involved bondage fairly heavily. It's a sign of pride to be collared, much like BDSM. But I didn't really experience heavy bondage until meeting up with a friend from Rubberzone. All of my experiences with him have been eye opening and envelope pushing. I think the only thing I haven't done is a vacbed, and as nice as that seems, it's a little limiting for what the other person can do while you're in one, so it's not a priority.

Chastity also piques that bondage interest, and that's probably what my gateway into chastity has been. But what do I get out of bondage? Why does it excite me so? I think primarily, it removes decisions and responsibility from me. I can't do anything, so I can't do anything wrong. The other person must love it, otherwise why would they don't to me? So I feel confident that they're getting something out of it regardless of what I do. Also, I have trust issues. Not surprising with the personal experiences I've had, but I think we all have some trust issues to some extent, going back to the instinct of self preservation. Don't think that it hasn't crossed my mind that I could be expecting a wonderful bondage session and end up a victim of some torturous murder. That fear is always in the back of my mind, although to be quite honest, I'm not afraid to die and welcome it. I've done just about everything that I can do in my life, none of my dreams can possibly come true and life has been all downhill for many years now. That's not to say I have a death wish, but something were to happen, I can accept it just fine. My recent health concerns of high blood pressure and chest pain induced from stress also worry me that something could happen while in a scene. Again, not for myself but for my partner. That's not an easy thing to explain and since our society is not exactly accepting of these darker desires, there would be a lot of difficult questions and discoveries for said partner. I accept responsibility for whatever situation I let myself get into, but it's hard to explain or confirm that if I'm not alive.

Also due to recent events, everything has been laced with a thread of anxiety about how I will handle each situation in my life. Everything has a PTSD feel to it, everything is new again and it hasn't been an easy transition. That said, I've gotten through everything just fine and I continue to show progress and less anxiousness with each passing day, but I've already warned the aforementioned friend that when we get together again, I may have to ease into things to gauge how I feel until I can get back to where I was comfortable before. Luckily he is quite accommodating and doesn't have an issue with this. With him, I've spent entire days in bondage before. I've spent time bound up so tight that I've been sore for days afterwards. As long as there are no lingering physical effects, my breathing is safe and my reconstructed knee isn't under stress, I've been fine. And since I'm so comfortable alone with only my own thoughts, being left alone in bondage isn't a scary situation at all. I look at it like meditation. I'm able to mentally process all sorts of things that I push aside for lack of time or importance in my daily life, so forcing myself to be unable to distract myself leaves me plenty of time to think. Leave me in a sleep sack for a day or three and check on my every now and then, maybe a bathroom break here and there but going right back into bondage after is absolutely fine by me.

But more about the trust issue. You have to really trust your partner(s), as you are completely helpless and at their whim so you have to be able to trust that they have your best interests in mind, something I've never felt in a "normal" relationship before. Also it helps to have experienced partners. I've been with a few people where I was the experienced one, and trust is harder to come by and it's harder to feel comfortable. If I was tying them up, it'd be different, but I honestly don't have much interest in that... And that's where things get selfish.

I've only been on the fringe of the BDSM community. I have friends who have been quite involved and have lengthy experience in those circles, but although I have been involved in BDSM activites, it's been much more limited than what I've seen in the BDSM world at large. There seems to be a cycle where subs graduated into doms at some point, bottoms into tops. It seems to be to perpetuate the numbers within a group because if there is an imbalance of one over the other, the group suffers and could die out. A group full of subs doesn't do anyone any good, and a group full of doms doesn't either. And when someone new comes along it's kind of a feeding frenzy. The friend I mentioned seems to have gone through this initiation of sorts, having started off more as a sub and grew into a dom role out of necessity. He still will sub sometimes, and we've had a scene where he was bound up in full enclosure by me while I serviced him. I was fine with that and comfortable in that, as I was actually following his order and it was his scene, but I never felt like I was dominating him at any point. I also wouldn't have a problem doing that more in the future, but I definitely won't be able to be truly dominant as I just have no part of that in my personality. Any attempt to fake it would be pathetic. Bad acting for sure. All cliches and weak interaction. I've thought about it though, I just have nothing to call on from which to start from. The only place I can see it working is when my partner wants to know what it's like, what I get out of it. "Let me try you putting me in the sleep sack." Sure! But truly making someone else feel submissive? I don't think I could take anyone there, this I would be a failure in said BDSM communities, if my observations are correct on that. Of course things are different all over and there are always exceptions to the rule, and I could be reading more into things and have witnessed rare occurences of that shift in role.

I've also thought about getting more involved in local scenes, but I find that scenes devolve into cliques and everything ends up like high school: a bunch of people struggling to fit in in awkward ways, forcing behaviours and reveling in their past where they peaked. I despise the social ladder and I simply cannot tolerate pretty bullshit. Every group I've ever seen or have been a part of has suffered from garbage like that. Also I have no desire to be the chum that starts the feeding frenzy for the new fish, nor do i desire to be one of a smaller herd, milling around, waiting my turn for meaningless quantity over quality sex. I've had multiple partners, I've had group sex, and I find that I enjoy a relationship with meaning and connection where I am considered an asset and not merely another toy to play with when the others get old. Objectification is a fine fantasy, but not an ideal reality for me. If I'm with someone, I want it to be because they want ME, not just the soup of the day. I'm okay with open relationships and polygamy, but I find that they require more honest communication than most people are capable of. For the people out there who naturally fit into such scenarios, I'm quite envious. But for me, there's just too much potential for betrayal and deceit. It's always easier to lie than be honest and it's always easier to do what you want to do rather than assess the situation and do the right thing.

As usual, your mileage may vary. I'm going to go do something about this plug.

 

A day without chastity, a day without plugs, a day without anything but sleep and house work. Sure, I could've been locked up or plugged while doing it, but everything was nice and clean, except for me, and one of my tasks today was cleaning out the garage. So figured I'd wait until I was done with that, shower, and then see what I felt like doing. Well, did everything but the shower part so far and it's been fine. I can enjoy a day off because it'll make the other days a bit more special. Also, I did enjoy a nice orgasm last night, so a neat little twist to that might be to not cage or plug myself afterwards as a payment for the climax. Didn't sleep well either, don't know if it had anything to do with not being caged but I doubt it. Dreams were s bit angsty too, again I doubt being cageless was a factor, but we'll observe things from here and see how many times it happens.

Yesterday's post had me realizing that I spoke a lot about the furry fandom without really explaining it much. I would think it's existence is well known at this point, even if it may be misconstrued or inaccurate, so that's a good topic for today.

Furry
The word alone polarizes people. Those outside of it have different degrees of comprehension on what it is, and those inside of it have very subjective definitions and feelings on the subject. One thing I think is universal is that you can't boil it down to one definition. I look at it like comic books or sci fi: there are fans of the products and that's it, there's fans that devour every element and some that are specific to one series or group of them. There are rabid fans and casual fans. There are fans that gather at conventions and groups, some even dress up like their favorite characters. And there are some that meet up at hotels to have sex dressed up like Klingons, and way more variations than all of these.

My introduction to furry was a dream I had (of course) where I was a human but I had tiger stripes. Maybe paint, maybe a suit, maybe a tattoo, but I remember being called to someone who I felt like was my owner and I was her pet, and she was calling me in to meet someone. Maybe I was just a tabby cat and my own image of myself presented myself as human in my dream, but I read into as a human animal. I told a friend about this dream and she sent me a picture of a friend of hers who was a furry, wearing tiger striped body paint. I had never seen anything like it before outside of my dream and I was floored. I had to know more. She pointed me to a Usenet group (that's how long ago this was) called alt.horror.werewolves which had originally been setup as a group for horror movie fanatics but somehow got taken over by a group they called themselves "spiritual therianthropists", the idea being that mentally they were shapeshifters that embodied the personality of a human as well as an animal. As fantastical as this sounds, this has roots in Native American shamanism where shamans would use animals as guides to certain lessons, mostly through parables and stories, but also by encouraging people to embody the spirit of the animal to help guide your way. Each animal had a trait ot traits associated with it, for example you're trying to tackle amtough situation and the shaman says, "be like the deer, be gentle in your path" and that basically translates to not be aggressive and let things happen. She taught me about medicine cards and how to do readings, which is much like tarot but a bit different. So I immersed myself in everything I could find. I love animals and tend to be pretty good with them, and although I couldn't really embrace some elements seriously (I didn't actually think I was a tiger in a human body), and the more fantasy or radical things were the more dismissed them as delusion, there are plenty of things that still hold meaning for me to this day. For example, if I see a hawk, known as the messenger, I wonder if the world or someone is trying to send me some sort of message. I open myself up to receiving that message and think about recent events to see if there's some message or lesson in there.

Thought the Usenet group, which we called AHWW, I found local groups which were basically either furry or pagan groups that had a couple members that blurred the lines into spiritual therianthropy. Eventually I lost all contacts with spiritual therianthropy and I've only met a few people that have even heard of it, called "lifestyle" in the furry community.

So then, what is furry? Quite basically, furry is the appreciation of anthropomophic animals, animals with human characteristics. Whether those characteristics are a humanistic biped body, or just a talking dog, it's the convergence of animals and humans. Bugs Bunny is an anthropmorph, but so is something like The Secret Life of Pets, or My Little Pony, or Thundercats, or Zootopia, it's all relevant under the furry umbrella. What furry is most known for is mascot style "fursuits" full or partial body costumes with animal heads. This is mostly due to television shows taking extreme aspects of the fandom and sensationizing them. I haven't kept up with it in how mainstream culture has protrayed it, but during my tenure there was an infamous Vanity Fair article, a spot on E.R., a bit about it on those weird obsession shows, etc. Most of all furry consists of passionate people who all have different perspectives and definitions of what is and isn't relevant to furry, and that's where I check out. Again, people need labels and categories and if a description accurately describes more than a couple people, it's going to relevant and it's going to stick. For example, there are people into beastiality involved in furry, there are pedophiles involved in furry, there are people who fuck stuffed animals, but there are also doctors, lawyers and physchologists involved in furry. The first two negative depictions are much more spicy and polarizing than the last three, so it's going to be something that everyone has to deal with.

What is furry to me? Is was a way to find like minded people who love animals, love dressing up, and have common interests. In my experience most furs are nerds, dorks, geeks... outcasts that get way into things that seem childish or fantasy related. Most are friendly, most don't embody the negative stereotypes that can get spread around, and most find it to be an accepting community for people who may not have ever found one before. I've met people from all walks of life who are interested in just about everything under the sun. I cannot stress enough how generalizing doesn't work with any group of people because everyone has a different perspective and different likes and dislikes, and furry is no exception. The only generalization that I feel is accurate is that their interests somehow involve animals.

Unfortunately, all of the other pitfalls of semi organized groups are also common in furry. Politics, cliques, nepotism, cronyism, extremists, annoying people, and drama are all something you have to deal with in any group. And of course, there's the sex.

A lot of sex happens in furry. Sometimes involving the aforementioned scenarios of costuming, pedophelia (although mostly age-old based, but I know plenty of young furs new to the fandom get picked up by people much older looking for young people, and regardless of what one's opinion on the matter is this can be quite illegal in most states), beastiality, and just plain old internet and convention hookups. When you have a group of outcasts looking for common ground and aren't comfortable with explaining or revealing their interests in relationships with people not in furry, you're going to have people hooking up, for better or for worse. Everything is what you make of it, and if you're into something you can most likely find another fur into it as well. As a fan of latex, I found plenty of other people with that same interest. Same with bondage, and everything else.

Is furry a fetish? I would say if it involves sex, it's a fetish. I had sex with furs, I would again, therefore I'm not offended at it being considered a fetish of mine, but then if I dated someone who liked Firefly as much as I do, went to conventions dressed up as our favorite characters and we eventually had sex, doesn't that make Firefly (a sci fi TV show, by the way) a fetish by that definition? I don't think so, so I think there's a lot of gray area there. Like people hooking up at a Star Trek convention doesn't necessarily make Star Trek their fetish, unless they simply can't get off unless their partner wears pointy ears or something. So while I don't consider it a fetish, I can understand how someone else could.

My tenure in furry pretty much came to a close with my last serious relationship with a very promiscuous, selfish and deceitful fur. He was quite involved in the local scene, and when that relationship fell apart I was not going to go through the drama of who gets what friends, what gets spread behind people's backs, and other bullshit drama like that so I simply vanished from the scene. I do still take part in furry video game world called Second Life, but very much at arm's length. I started out identifying with tigers, mostly because of that dream, but also because of a nickname I used in the early days of the internet. I needed a name, picked a neat name I though was somewhat unique, and used variations of it over the years, all with tiger in the name. I also happen to fall under tiger in Chinese astrology, so there was a neat little relevant tie in to my date of birth as well. Later I became enamored with other animals: kangaroos, crows, gazelles and raccoons, and have made characters of these animals and they're all fun to portray. But I could pick just about anything and have fun with it.

My sexuality with furry is non-existent. I do not require anything further from my partner or involved sexually, but I'm not opposed to it. The only thing I have taken away from furry for myself is the owner/pet relationship I mentioned previously, but that doesn't require the character of animals to work, it's just a concept with a better description of what I prefer to standard Dom/sub roles.

My distance from furry has helped in that I'm less annoyed by certain types of people, mostly younger and/or less mature people, people with closed minds, and people who are incapable of seeing viewpoints outside their own. If this was posted on a furry forum, it would get absolutely picked apart by people arguing every single thing they didn't like, even though all of this is based on personal life experience and I specifically state that one cannot judge a group based upon any limited criteria. In fact, with this just existing on the internet means it could be jumped on by furs who otherwise would never come on this forum, but I truly believe that this would happen with any group. The things I've stated about my sexuality, latex, BDSM, and anything else could get picked apart in the same way by petty, ignorant individuals who can't understand the concept of "your mileage may vary".

And that's the thing to take away from this. No matter what you are into, there's going to be people out there who don't get it and have misconceptions about it and staunchly defend their interests or attack yours. If you get something out of it and the pros outweigh the cons, fuck those people. We're all sick of keyboard warriors anyway.

 

I hate this tablet. The last post was rife with autocorrections that make no sense. One important one I want to clarify is "age-old" should be age-play. The alternative sounds like I'm justifying someone fucking kids. Not cool autocorrect, not cool.

 

Another day, more odd dreams, including some angsty ones. At least I'm getting the angst out of my system in a productive way via my subconscious and not via real life interaction. At this point though I have to ask, what do I have to be angsty about? After everything that has happened recently, I've been feeling pretty damn good. All of this time off of work has taken me out of the main stressful environment, not because of the job itself, but because of the drama and bullshit that just seem to center around that place. It's always something there, and even though it's not heart surgery, some people take things so serious that you'd think it was life or death. I'm one of those people because my work ethic and desire to do the right thing means I push myself to go above and beyond, even when it's damaging to me in some manner. So even though things can be light hearted and fun, I'm always very conscious of getting the job done no matter the cost.

But in the rest of my life, the boundaries and priorities I've set for myself are working out, and I just don't feel that stress or angst during my day. Maybe I'm still getting it but I'm not focusing on it, so it just goes to the subconscious and burns its way out in my dreams. Hey, works for me.

On topic for the forum, spent all day nice and locked up. It was rather mundane day, didn't really think about it much, didn't really get all excited about it, it just was a normal occurrence. That's fine, it's nice that I'm getting used to it and normalizing myself to it, and if I want to be excited about it, I can just take my thoughts in that direction. Rehearsals went fine, although my backup guitar seemed to bump the padlock a little bit, which gave me a couple "oh yeah, I forgot I was wearing that" moments. It's the same body style as my main guitar, so it must just be a strap length thing. No biggie, but a funny little moment of the day.

Since not much went on, I'll just jump right into a quick topic before snoozing. How about...

Living Weird
I'm going to be using words like "normal" and "weird", and people are just going to have to get over it. I'm not politically correct and I really don't give a fuck about people being offended. Being offended is their problem to get over, not mine.

Doing things that are not common to the status quo are simply not normal, they're weird. I'm okay with being weird, normal is boring. But we still have to interface with the status quo, and we either choose to pretend to be normal, or we fly the freak flag and deal with the consequences. I've done both, to varying degrees and it's much easier to pretend to be normal, but I still rarely do it. Pretty much the only time I do it is when I have to be professional. If I'm expected to have a role and a uniform for my place at work, whether it's my day job or playing a show, I do my best to not be polarizing to any degree so as not to turn off the consumer.

But what about on my time? How do I reconcile people seeing me out and about as weird, and then see me at work or at a show being normal? Well, quite simply... I don't. If someone asks me about it, I just simply explain that it's work time versus my time. On my time, I do whatever I want. On work time, I'm a professional. It's that simple.

I've just never been concerned with judgement because I've always been judged. Every single day of my life, I've been judged, mostly inaccurately and unfairly, so why worry about someone judging me? They're going to do it anyway. If I seem perfectly normal, someone still may assume that I'm hiding something sinister, some deep dark secret. If I'm blatantly flaunting some quirk or kink, they're going to assume even worse things than what I'm actively portraying, so why worry about it? I see it as their problem, not mine, and if they want to steer clear of me that's great. I have enough friends, and instead of having to weed out a potential negative element, I never have to deal with them in the first place. If only everything was so easy. However, I can't even understand why anyone is really worried about what other people think. Unless you're a public figure, the public just doesn't matter. Some people are so wrapped up in their own self image and what people think of them that I don't know how they can do anything at all. But hey, everyone's got their own things that they worry about, so I wish 'em good luck, but I just can't operate like that.

Sometimes it is tiring dealing with the looks, the questions, the assumptions, the expectations and the negative energy it all brings. But, if I'm not feeling like dealing with those things, I can just dial it down. I'm not much of an exhibitionist, but I am stubborn and selfish enough that I'm going to enjoy what I enjoy and people just aren't going to stop me. If I feel like wearing latex today, I'm going to. If I need to go out for an errand and I just don't feel like changing clothes, I'm not going to. I may compromise and wear something over it, but I'm not the type of person to go around with my bits hanging out or a mask covering my face, so nothing I'm doing is lewd or offensive, so it's really not that big of a deal.

In order to get to this point I've had to feel comfortable in my own skin and with who and what I am. I'm not ashamed of anything I do, but I honestly don't need a parade to stick it in other people's faces either. I just want to be able to continue doing what I want as long as I'm not actively breaking any laws. If people don't want to see me in tight clothing or something, well what about all of the things I have to see that I don't want to see. You eliminate all of those and get back to me and I'll happily wear whatever makes you happy. Until then, suck it up buttercup. There's nothing saying that you have to start with me.

If I'm comfortable enough to wear what I'm wearing by myself, then I'm comfortable enough with wearing it in public. I'm not comfortable with nudity, with my ass or bits hanging out, or with blatant bondage displays. The only time I'm nude is in the shower. I don't have body shame issues, but I have skin shame issues. I simply don't want to see or show my skin. It's not bad, but it's just not comfortable to me. As for my ass or bits hanging out, unless they're currently being used, they don't need to be hanging around. Plus this goes with the whole nudity thing. I might be wearing a chastity cage, but I'm going to wear something over it, regardless of whether I have to or not. If people want to see them up close and personal, they're going to have to gain my trust first. And displaying a bunch of bondage gear is unnecessary to me unless I'm being actively tied up with it. Walking around in a straitjacket, or cuffs, or a harness that's not being used seems to be form over function and I'm a bit more efficient than that. When it's involved with conventions, groups or a public scene type thing, that's different. Although I don't usually partake in public scenes, I've worn plenty of collars, costumes and cuffs around conventions and events before.

I've actually had people say to me, "I wish I could wear what you wear..." Why? Don't they make it in your size? Oh, they mean they don't have the courage to. Well, what's honestly stopping them? If you can't bear to let another person see you in something that I don't think you're necessarily comfortable with it, which means you don't wish you could wear what I wear because you aren't comfortable wearing what I wear.

It's more than a lifestyle, it's more than just clothes, it's more than judgement, I think it's just psychological. If you're going to be an outcast, be an outcast! Run with it! Have fun with it! Don't let someone else ruin your fun. Yes, people are going to laugh at you. Yes, people are going to assume and think things you don't like. Yes, people are going to poke fun at you or point you out to their friends. They're already doing that all around them, this is no different. They were going to do that regardless of what you were wearing or what you were doing, they're shitty people and you're going to have to deal with shitty people. They outnumber us by a very large margin.

So whenever you feel hesitant or are lacking in confidence with something, just know that you aren't protecting yourself from ridicule, you're preventing yourself from enjoying what you love. And you can think "Yeah, that's easy for you to say" but no, it isn't. It has never been easy, but it's been an easy decision between being myself and being someone that I just don't want to be. Sometimes those decisions require sacrifices and consequences but they're worth it if it means being who I am. I don't need to be accepted and I don't need to be tolerated, I just need to be me. If people can't handle me being me, they're really missing out and I'm glad that I won't have to deal with them.

So how does one get to this point? Well, everything starts from within. Instead of just acting on your desires, try and figure out why you have that desire in the first place. If you can define where it comes from then you can usually figure out where it needs to go from here. If you are knowledgeable and informed about your needs instead of acting impulsively, you'll probably have a much easier time getting to a comfortable point. Don't worry about what's weird or normal, what's accepted and what's not, if your desire comes from a healthy place it will take you to a healthy place. If you encapsulate it with subterfuge and deceit your experiences are probably going to be unhealthy because those are unhealthy methods. If you're worried that your current lifestyle can't sustain the desires you have, you need to ask yourself what's more important to you: the life you have or the life you want. Everyone has priorities and you need to figure out yours. Married with children and want to change genders and they won't accept it? You've got a big decision ahead of you, but it seems to me that there are two options: Either do it and live it or don't. Subterfuge and deceit is not going to end well. It's simple math and deception multiplies the issue, it doesn't subtract from it.

The truth is always easier than a lie. The truth just is. Lies complicate things and can always get picked apart and unraveled. If you're true to yourself and honest with the people you love, you're doing the right thing. It may not be the easy thing, but it's the right thing. If you aren't sure or if you're afraid, then you haven't done all of the research yet, so don't make decisions without all of the information and without knowing that it is 100% what you want, no matter the cost. If you aren't prepared to pay the cost, you aren't prepared to make the decision.

Hey, if it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

 

Rehearsal yesterday, ten hour drive ahead of me today. I will not be doing it locked, because I do not want to forced to sit down in the shitholes that are known as southern Indiana, Kentucky and Tennessee. We'll see, maybe on the way back, but I doubt it. I'm not a germophobe or a neat freak, but the absolute animals that destroy bathrooms without conscience and the underpaid register monkeys that work there just don't inspire me to want to touch anything. I'm half tempted to wear rubber gloves everywhere, a win/win situation.

In looking around at the other journals, mine definitely feels out of place. Maybe I should take this to an external blog. When I see one or two line entries that basically read like bad fiction written with one hand and dozens of replies saying how hot that is, or "dominant" manipulation that reads like undisguised bait on a rusty hook, I can't help but question if I'm the only person who looks into his own mind and actions without measuring time from orgasm to orgasm. I dunno, seems like a waste to me. I won't be doing as much over the next month, maybe that'll even things out a bit.

Since it's the morning of my trip and I'm still packing things up I'm going to keep this shorter and simpler than normal. I don't even have a topic in mind at this point. Oh wait, one just popped in...

Expectations
Our brains automatically fills in a lot of blanks for us, but we don't teach cognitive or confirmational bias in our schools. Our brain does this with information it expects to see, not necessarily what is being observed. It uses the information is has to determine what to fill in, so it is only as accurate as the amount of input it has received. This is where learning things outside of your own day to day needs helps to see things wider than your own scope of reality. The old adage of "you are what you eat" comes to mind. The more variety you feed your brain, the more things it can draw from in new experiences.

I'm a very observational person. I like to watch things as I drive or walk around. I'm kind of absorbing my environment, and the more I do this, the more my creativity is fed with ideas and inspiration. Ironically, as verbose and introspective as I am, I'm not much of a lyric writer, mostly because I focus on the music over the lyrics in songs. Lyrics are low hanging fruit, I can understand what message they're trying to convey because they are directly communicating it. But when a musician with a decent grasp of harmony and theory can invoke emotions and communication without the spoken word, I get so much more out of it.

The same can be said for body language and unspoken communication between people, without music. A good communicator has a good bullshit detector. I learned from the best, a homicide detective with a 98% confession rate and a 100% conviction rate, including the only case convicted on purely circumstantial evidence in the state. I didn't know I was learning this, nor did I realize as a child that my deceptions had to be strong enough to fool a mind trained to unravel deception. It's like negotiating with a stubborn lawyer, even when you're right, they can spin it so you're wrong. The things I got away with as a child were some next level shit and prepared me for life as a master manipulator if that's the path I chose to go down. However, I like to say that I use my power for good. I use my insight to understand people's points of view and how to approach things with them. It's not perfect, but it's much more than most people do. I don't manipulate anyone unless I determine their agenda to be especially selfish or petty. Of course since I'm the one determining that agenda, I'm subject to my own bias on the matter and I'm usually aware of it and try to take it into account, but again it's not 100% accurate.

Where it has come in handy is in relationships. What are my expectations in this union? What do I think their expectations are? Am I able to meet those expectations? Are they able to meet mine without manipulation or forcing change? If not, I'm quick to cut it off right there. I'm not wasting anyone's time on a fruitless endeavor. I do not need someone in my life to feel whole, none of us do, but we crave companionship for many reasons. The first thing is to completely ignore social pressures. They do no good. If you're letting the perceptions of other people run your life, you're doing it wrong. They are not you and you are not them. Even though we're all the same species, we have different upbringings and different environments so while we're all the same, we're all different. One size does not fit all. Recognizing your needs and expectations and where they differ from the social norm will help you actually achieve your goals without being stuck in neutral and not progressing towards those goals. You also have to decide what's fleeting and what's important. Great sex is fleeting, no matter what your lifestyle is you are not going to be having sex 24/7/365. This is why relationships based on sex alone never work, there has to be something else there during the times you're not having sex. Obsession with sex is also not healthy because it's selfish and unproductive. This is why a lot of sexual things have been considered mental illnesses over the years. A laser focus on one fleeting aspect of our lives is only going to lead to disappointment and depression. Much like drug addiction, you build up a resistance and get jaded and bored with things and are constantly looking for something more to fill the hole, which eventually leads to diminishing returns. Also, sex has a lifespan. While some people are able to be sexually active well into their later years, not all people are and it's not something you have control over. This is why drugs like Viagra exist, because people simply cannot let go when their body does. Then others abuse the availability of these drugs to feed their obsession and/or addiction, which sends them down the spiral of diminishing returns.

I'm happy to admit that my libido and sexual interest is as strong as it ever has been. However I have noticed a maturity to it as I've gotten older and more jaded. I've never been a person who thinks with his dick, but many times I've let myself agree with my dick's motivations despite any misgivings I might have. I'd say the results have been 50/50, just as a ballpark figure. My cynicism would say less, but as a benefit of the doubt through hindsight, it hasn't been that bad at all. For the most part, sex has been a wonderful and healthy thing for me. In some relationships where it had a major part it generally has worked out favorably, so I'm not saying that a focus or lifestyle ratio leaning towards sex is a bad thing, just that acting on instinct and desire without thinking is.

So my expectations are much different now than they were years ago. Much simpler, but much more difficult to obtain since they rely on trust and honesty. I can trust and be honest, but can others? I can act without a hidden agenda, but can others? And can I trust them to? That's where it gets complex for me.

 

Return from Unintentional Sabbatical
Did the trip to Tennessee, spent three weeks there and got back Tuesday. I did not spend any time locked up the first week, just didn't feel right with having to take care of my mother and all, but once she was on the mend and was able to handle things, I felt comfortable enough to wear my cage a bit more. Discovered a few things too...

1. I went down a ring size. I had slipped out of my cage twice, once while driving, once randomly around the house. It was warm enough down there that I wasn't wearing tights very much and just wore shorts mostly, and some pairs of shorts weren't stretchy and would move the cage around, most often spinning it counter clockwise (counter cockwise?). Once was while I was out driving and picking up food, and I realized I had slipped out of it. Underwear and probably tights at that point (I'd wear them to go out, people didn't need to see my glow in the dark Chicago winter legs) kept it from going anywhere, but I definitely wasn't secure in it. So going down a ring size helped. However, going down two ring sizes caused a problem when urinating while aroused. It felt awesome while it was on, but I got a bit aroused before bed, went to sleep, and woke up about and hour later and it was still trying to get erect. So I figured I'd pee to help things out, and nothing would come out, but upon pushing a bit, it hurt! Bad! Like a bad catheter. So I took the cage off, peed, and stayed out of the cage for a day or two. Haven't gone back to that ring size since. Not good. So, no urinating while erect in a tight cage. Not a good idea.

2. The original pain I had in the past appears to be caused by to tight of a spacer pinching. I found this out because I lost the largest spacer while down there, and was going to wear the cage on the trip back for fun, but once I started getting that original pain again, decided against it. I had all of the parts laid out on the bed, ready to put on and went I went to grab the spacer, it was gone. Like, absolutely vanished. For three or four days, I searched for that fucking thing. Tore the room apart, tore the bed apart, I looked absolutely everywhere. I figured it must have fallen into a bag or something, and that's when i found it in my hoodie pocket. The hoodie was hanging on the bedpost and when it fell, it must've fallen right into the pocket. I was very happy to find it though, because I really don't want to try and work my way through that pain just yet.

3. I am more comfortable being locked than not. It offers a strange consistency. I'm still very, very aware of it's presence, but occasionally I forget and there's an "oh yeah!" moment later on, but it's very comfortable and comforting.

4. I have yet to find a replacement for the padlock which doesn't create an odd bulge, and I've been looking. I like the plastic locks the best, but I also like taking the cage off and cleaning when I can, especially since I don't know if I can trust the padlocks to not rust or be damaged by water just yet. I don't mind the bulge of the device, but the lock just makes it look screwy because it fits best to one side or the other, and it gives a strange pokey asymmetrical bulge. Not a good look under tights or leggings.

On my way home, I also stopped off at my favorite little adult store and bought another B-Vibe snugplug, this time the #2 size which is the next size smaller. I brought three plugs with me to Tennessee, but never wore any of them. If I would've had this one, I would have worn it for sure. So as soon as I got home, I washed it thoroughly and caged and plugged up and spent several hours enjoying it. I left the cage on and removed the plug before bed, although I easily could've slept in it. I continued wearing the next all of the next day, and as soon I got back from my therapist appointment in the wee morning hours, I put the plug back in and left it there all day as well. I even stopped by band rehearsal with it in, although I didn't do any playing.

When I got home, I emailed LatexCatfish asking about the status of my suit. They said they would ship on May30, and I said that's around the time I'd be coming back from vacation, but by this point it was June 6th and I hadn't heard anything so I sent an email saying I was back home and asking what the status was. They said they'd ship the next day! Awesome! Shortly after, I got a DHL tracking number, which showed a delivery date of June 8th! How was it going to get from Hong Kong to Chicago in just a day and a half? Well, apparently they upgraded me to overnight delivery and sure enough, on friday afternoon I got a nice little package from DHL.

Of course i wasn't going to wait... They also polished it all up nice and left the inside lightly powdered, so I rinsed it out, lubed it up, and put it on. It's tight, but it fits! I figured I gained a bit of weight eating so well and not being very active over the last six weeks, but I had only gained a couple pounds. Also, I had ordered an off-the-rack large size instead of going with custom sizing. At the price, if it didn't fit I knew someone I could just gift it to that would fit it, and I figured the worst case scenario was continuing my weight loss enough to fit in it. I was just worried about the length of the arms, legs and torso. Well, it's basically only off by a couple centimeters, not enough to justify a custom sizing. I can't wear the cage in it, but I expected that because of how much the cage does stick out, and seeing other people in latex not fitting their cage in tight catsuits, so i opted for the three way zipper so I could have it out while still being enclosed. It works perfectly. I wore it for about eight hours or so that day and just loved every minute of it. I was tempted to wear it tonight after rehearsal, but I think I'll be patient and hold off for a lengthy session tomorrow. Caged and plugged, of course.

I might put a post in the other fetishes forum here, just because there's not much latex oriented content around. I know I've been looking and not finding much, so maybe it'll help someone else out.

But, that's the catch up.