It’s been around 6 months since I changed from being full time submissive to exploring being in a female led relationship. Its exciting; the change in direction, but also quite daunting and one hell of a challenge. Everyday is met with different challenges, they usually surround my mood and mindset for the day and also what he expects of me. That is probably the biggest challenge for me, is going from a submissive who’s purpose was to please Sir and take in his every wish and hope to please him the best I could. Where as now I find it difficult to please him the way he wants. But it’s not me that should be pleasing him... it’s him that should be following my command and pleasing me, isn’t it? So why is it that every time I want to call him on not doing something I’ve asked, I feel wary that he won’t like it so I don’t? Why is it when I feel emotionally unable to pleasure him in the way that he wants me to, I can’t help but feel guilty that I’m letting him down? If I don’t want to do anything, if I don’t want to play or haven’t got the confidence to assert my authority over him, what do I do? How do I stop myself from feeling guilty? It sits on my chest all day or evening like a bad cold. If I try and convince myself to play I end up thinking it’s just going to go wrong anyway and I end up in a vicious guilt cycle. I look online and people have tips for non/sexual tasks to keep their subs happy or in line but I chicken out at the last minute in case he feels resentful that I’ve not played with him all day and now I’m giving him commands. There are good days, days that I wake up and I’m rearing to go. I can command, I can tease and set challenges for the day. Those are good days, I feel good, I feel empowered, I can put up with his grumpy bullshit and get him out of his mood. It gives me hope that I can be brilliant at this, I’m just touching on my potential. That is the person I can be, she is within my reach and on those days I think I’ve reached my turning point. Things are good and they won’t go back to being bad again. But then days like today happen, I tried to assert my authority and I fell flat. From then onwards I was lost, I second guessed everything I wanted to do or say to him.
Is this something you actually want or are you just submitting to a request to take control? If you actually want it, what you need to do is realize and accept that you need time to grow into your role. You're going to have off days. You're going to have days where you don't want to bother. There are times things aren't going to go perfectly. That's just life. Do what you feel comfortable with and enjoy. As long as you're trying, that should be enough for your submissive. If he expects you to be perfect, he's being unreasonable and needs to be made to understand that. It is the journey, not the destination that matters. If you're just submitting to a request to take control as part of a submissive desire to please, I'm not sure there is much you can do. I feel like that is a situation that will just leave both of you dissatisfied.
Dump him and his grumpy bullshit. He sounds like a spoil child who wants more, more, more. You're never in command even when you think you are, you're just trying to please him.
I agree with @L-u-c-y it is about you and his service to you. He is out for himself and playing you. Don't waste your time. Say goodbye, you can't fix this for him. Your better than that. Move on to someone that is focused on you.
It is not easy to do anything where is an emotional attachment . Try and believe that this is for there own good and behind it all, this is what they want. Look at your sub like a small child that need to be redirected to correct his mistake.
"Look at your sub like a small child". I like that! After all most of us blokes never really grow up. We need to be kept on the straight and narrow and know our limits. If necessary (and it is what we choose as part of our relationship) punishment may be required. When bringing up children we are firm but loving and this can be applied to good effect I think. Mrs Chaste tells me to do things but not in a rude bossy way (unless I answer back), and as we were both taught "please" and "thank you" are both polite and show appreciation. As I explained to our children when growing up our household was not a democracy but a benign dictatorship with Mummy and Daddy at the head (in that order). Now it's just Mr and Mrs Chaste, or should that be Mrs and Mr Chaste? When I express my need to have an orgasm, Mrs Chaste takes the time to explain why I'm not allowed one and why it is for my own good. My Chastity cage is needed to keep me safe from all those wicked women who might lead me astray!
Truly - please follow Mistress Lucys advice...….there are MANY closet submissives out there just waiting to be trained.
Being dominant in a female led relationship is an attitude/way of being and not so much about tasks to be completed. It sounds like it is all a sexual thing for him and you want more emotional submission out of him and that is why it is not working out. Maybe take all of the sexual elements out of it for a while and practice asserting yourself in your relationship in general. Make him do the things that you don't have time for or stress you out in your everyday life and go from there. Also consider asserting yourself in correcting his bad behavior and point out when he is trying to make you feel guilty/bad perhaps.
Thank you to you all for your comments. I would like to make this into an ongoing blog with my thoughts and feelings surrounding my FLR journey as well as the adventures we do go on. This past week has been a bit of a yoyo for me, I am very much going from strong confident domme to a crying, emotional mess. To give you all some history, I have been suffering for depression for many years. This last year has been an incredibly difficult one, the worst I've ever had. The decision for me to go domme or to switch was was brought up by me, and accepted by him. We started slowly, with me wanting to spank him one day to see how it felt to be on the other side. I felt good, I was nervous but a happy playful nervous and soon the nerves fell away as I got more into what I was doing. What surprised both of us is how wet and aroused it made me, it dawned a new era for us both. That was 7 months ago. Since then we have been dipping our toes into impact play, bondage, pegging, prostate massage, cbt and chastity. We have rules, rules that he abides to on a daily basis. There are rules for me as well, rules about making an effort to play at least twice a week, to unlock and lock him back up again for cleaning purposes amongst other things. There are days that we touch on whether I want to go back to being submissive, especially with me feeling the way that I have been at the moment, and I really don't. I like the feeling of power over him, I like being in control. There are so many more things about being in this position that I like. However, I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be a bitch. I want to be strong, caring and strict, but loving and fun.
In regards to growing into my role, I think that might be my problem. I rush into something at a hundred mph and then slow down to ten, I need to learn to cruise along at 30mph!
Thank you, I do sometimes tell him he's being a spoilt child. Dumping him has never crossed my mind though, he is my everything.
A bit difficult when punishment (especially corporate) is what he wants! But yes, I see where you both are coming from. Manners are very important to me too and we have talked about how I put demands and rules across and what is acceptable in front of the children.
Thank you for the advice, our relationship has always been a predominantly sexual one, and he is sexually driven as opposed to emotionally. It is something that we do need to work on and find a balance.