Part 2 ~ The Reluctant Dominatrix

The Reluctant Dominatrix

Dominatrix feelings: 50% ~~ Horniness: 30%:sad:

So all change today! Ive finally finished University. At least I hope so. I really cannot bear the thought of doing a Masters right at this minute, but well see how I feel if my application is accepted.

Here it is then. My blog/journal thread, and I do hope many of you will follow in my footsteps and blog your journey for others to see.

For those who dont know me at all, Im Mistress Watchful. I was introduced to the world of BDSM via the internet in 1999, at which time I was submissive. We will gloss over those times (as they were mainly unhappy) and skip forward to 2007.

After a brief and passionate beginning of a relationship my boyfriend of the time, who idolised my every move and hung on my every word, declared his interest in Male Chastity. I threw a fit. A part of me felt like my wonderful, kinky, fun-filled world had just fallen apart. I didnt want to be in charge. I didnt want to wield the whip. I didnt want my boyfriend to suddenly turn into a quivering, helpless pile of submissiveness. But he nudged me gently and I did my research.

In February 2007 I bought my pet as he is now affectionately known, his first chastity device, a CB3000. It wasnt long before we had problems and challenges and upgraded to the CB6000, still we had issues with security and wearability. As of today I am expecting news of the creation of my #9 Lori device, finally a metal device which can lock up my badly behaved, spoilt brat of a pampered pet and bring him into line.

Am I ready? No. Lol. I need to kick it up a notch.

I want the lifestyle, I want the kinky sex every so often I fantasise about cuckolding. But I still waver as to whether or not its really *me*. Do I deserve it? Can I cope with it? What if Im not very good at it?

I do hope that this year will show more progress than the last in my journey to becoming the Dominatrix I wish to be. A pampered and spoiled Princess with kinky sex whenever I choose, and a pretty sissy-maid rather than a cheeky sissy-slut. I hope I learn to ask for what I want and to tease and deny my pet into submission.

I think now Ive finished University I will take some time out to re-read my books on FemDom and the D/s lifestyle. I hope I will find time to write reviews along the way.

 

False start?

Dominatrix feelings: 30% Horniness: 20%

I lost 4lbs last week according to the Weight Watchers meeting last night. I *hate* it there. I just cannot associate with the women there at all, they are just so obsessed with eating and counting points. I don't want that in my life, I just want to eat a sensible balance diet... I digress...

Despite finishing Uni I seem to be busier than ever, and the kids seem to be around more! There has been very little time for kinkiness and even kinky thoughts. I get disappointed easily because I can feel the Domme in me disappearing under piles of laundry, housework and kid duties.

I picked up the book again last night. I still don't like it very much *lol* but I did realise that it has a place in my life at the moment. It introduces your "inner Dominatrix" to the outside world. Boosts your confidence in public, encourages you to dress better, look after yourself better, treat people differently and I figure if I can be more Dominant in my every day life, it will be easier in the bedroom.

I always apologise for myself, and I always put myself down (oh... you've noticed! ) and I did it yesterday at the WW meeting, explaining to a perfect stranger that I would only be getting a 2:2 for my Degree. When I got home I thought to myself "a lot of people don't make it to Degree level... I should be proud, not apologetic".

I just need to change my mindset. :squigglemouth:

 

Time for Bed...

Dominatrix feelings: 60% :angel: ~~ Horniness: 50% :squigglemouth:

Thank you chastesoon, it sure is nice to be able to have feedback so easily! Congratulations to your son too.

Well its been a busy day... my site is now up and running and I'd love to sit here and see who else turns up, but I'm sooooooo sleepy!

I still haven't decided whether or not I will be visiting London tomorrow... it may help me decide on my future career, or it might throw another spanner in the works!

Ah well, time for sleepies! Speak soon.

 

That's what comes of switching sites mid conversation!

The book I'm currently reading is "Whip Your Life into Shape" by Emily Dubberley. I have to say I'm not really enjoying it. You know when you begin to study something and you just want to launch into it "hands on" but you have to learn the basics first... and that can be sooooooooooo tedious!

The book appears to be trying to convice the vanilla females to take the attitudes of a Dominatrix to help them gain confidence in their every day life and love life.

As much as I'm desperate to get my hands on a whip and lead a life of tease and denial, there's no escaping the fact that I need to do a little background work on my own confidence and self esteem.

That Dominatrix is hiding in here somewhere and I'm desperate to let her out and play more often!

 

Wow busy day!


Dominatrix feelings: 75% :bigsmile: ~~ Horniness: 80% :tongue:

It all started well when I saw that people were signing up here and starting to post. :bigsmile:

I had hoped pet and I would have a little playtime today, but no sooner had baby been dropped off at the childminder, my eldests school was on the phone asking for someone to pick her up as she was ill!

I was still not sure whether or not I was going to go to London today, but eventually I decided I had nothing to lose (As it says in the Whip your life into shape book if I do something I have 50% chance of success, If I do nothing I have 100% chance of failure!) so I quickly threw on a summer dress and flip-flops and made my way to the Times Crme Executive Secretary and PA Exhibition.

The outfit was a rebellious twist on my part. I knew the place would be full of power-dressed women and I was very worried I wouldnt fit in, so I went to the other extreme. Knowing in advance I would be out of place helped my confidence and it paid off.

I had a lovely time, visiting all the stalls. A lot of them were irrelevant at this moment in time as Im not working and still havent decided if Im going to persue the Masters or PA training, but some of the people were lovely and very helpful.

I picked up quite a lot of information, but developed a terrible headache, so decided to call it a day. And head to Harrods!

We need to get rich fast! I was loving wandering round all the designer collections, quite relived I could neither afford, nor fit into any of the items. That would have been very expensive. I decided to go and have a look around the baby designer section and picked up virtually every baby designer outfit goingnearly purchasing a 260 Roberto Cavalli dress for my little girl and the matching 109 shoes, but came to my senses!

The whole trip did wonders for my confidence. I definitely attract attention well it was a wet London day and Im merrily striding around in a short summer dress (that Im not sure was decent on some of those high escalators!). I smiled at lots of people, and lots of people smiled back.

I also read most of the book on the two train journeys and I will hopefully get a review up by the end of the week. Its definitely a vanilla-with-twist book, but it has a lot of good advice for us less confident Dommes.

 

Wow.... looks cool, but unfortunately that's my graduation weekend and I have BIG BIG plans! :tongue:

If our babysitter is confirmed I will be having a decadant and deviant weekend... I'm so hoping to go to either a kinky hotel or rent a dungeon!

 

I'm thinking Ess&Emm or Ess&EmmToo. I have a friend who is a professional Dominatrix who used them a lot before she had her own dungeon.

 

Thank you... I look forward to it. But personally, a lapdancing club is my idea of personal hell. Don't get me wrong I love the ladies as much as my pet does, but with my catalogue of insecurities... lets leave that for a few years shall we!?

 

PMP, you're such a giggle. I have my highs and lows... it wasn't that long ago I was trying to drag pet to such venues (I was probably in that heavily pregnant and horny stage :xd

Maybe its time to have another baby!

 

Time Out!

Firstly... I am MORE than happy to be female, please don't try to use it as an insult towards me... it doesn't work.

Secondly... I ADORE my children and my life would be empty without them. To see that little part of me running around and enjoying life with innocent eyes and without adult hassles is a joy I cannot even begin to explain!

Thirdly... I face my demons in my own way, on my own agenda. I don't avoid beautiful women in the street, and I don't strike them from my friends list, but I also wouldn't force myself to be up-close-and-personal with them in unfamiliar territory.

Finally... Don't think I don't appreciate your suggestions, I do, but I also know my pet (as well as myself) inside and out, and I can guarantee that time alone together, away from the outside world in any form, is exactly what we need to enhance our D/s relationship.

Respectfully yours.

 

Oh blah!

Dominatrix Feelings: 90% :tongue: ~~ Horniness: 10%

Well it was an odd day yesterday.

Im making a huge effort to get out and make friends, but its so difficult. Maybe Im too fussy, but I just cant find people I click with.

In the morning I took baby to the local playgym. We hadnt been before and I wasnt impressed from start to finish with the whole event, from disastrous parking, a rude receptionist and terrible play facilities but I tried to put it aside and make friends. Only mothers can be horrible people. One lady came up to me and she looked stunning, I always envy those mothers who manage to look so put together with fabulous hair and make up. Turns out she recognised me from ante-natal and our babies were born on the same day, so we chatted for a little while but it went downhill fast She asked if I had a natural birth so I said, yes thank you it all went well, and elaborated like new mums do Oh she hissed at me I was in labour for 48 hours and then had an emergency caesarean and managed to make me feel like it was all my fault.

A little bruised but not completely put off I decided to steer the conversation to something more cheerful are you having a birthday party next week? but again I got a harsh response oh no, we think its ridiculous to have a party when she wont have any idea whats going on so I mumbled a bit about the party we were having, made my excuses and wandered off in the opposite direction.
The reason for my ramblings? It takes moments like that to make me realise that no matter how beautiful people look on the outside, they can be quite ugly on the inside. Granted maybe she was having a bad day, and maybe she felt awful if she reflected on the conversation but I felt that at least I felt that perhaps I dont look like the perfect wife/mother/Domme, but my attitude is at least with good intentions!

We also decided to (finally) get baby into her own bedroom and hoped to have an evening of carnal delights. Its been a battle to get her in that room, but she seemed to go to sleep without *too* much hassle unfortunately it was me that then had problems, peering into the little video screen and listening to make sure she was ok, until I fell asleep. As I have found out this morning, pet is not a happy boy, and is gutted that nothing happened last night, which is why my D and H factors above sit as they are.

D-factor is at 90%, mainly because Im pissed off rather than feeling Dominant. I asked sweetly where my coffee was this morning with the reply in the kettle and as I tried to reply to the site posts and keep things in shape I had to stop to get whingy baby her breakfast. Pet has now gone to the gym for an hour of solitude and Im feeling like crap. I know I should turn this around, and punishment should be served, but theres this nagging feeling that, yet again, the hard work is all down to me!!!
The H-factor is at a mere 10% because I feel taken for granted and upset that he wasnt sympathetic to my worrying about baby been alllllllllll the way down the end of the hall in her own room. I dont feel horny, I feel plain miserable.

In some respects Im glad that this has happened because I can see an important pattern even if you are feeling Dominant, there has to be a certain amount of horniness for this to be translated into sexual-Dominance. There is a balance, but Im not sure how to get there! If Im pissed off I feel Dominant but not horny! And if Im happy, Im horny but not necessarily feeling Dominant enough to do anything about it. Something for me to ponder and investigate anyway.

Oh as a side note, Mr stood you up spoke to me online last night and made it known that he would be in the area between the 5th and the 9th I told him that he would have to crawl naked over hot coals if he wanted to see me

 

Dominatrix Feelings: 70% ~~ Horniness 60%

Thank you subbiehubbie... it does help me to write down the reams of thoughts that I have, it unjumbles them... and when someone else can make sense of them, then I'm reassured I'm not going slightly mad! :bigsmile:

It's definately helping to see some sort of pattern in the equation (I might have to use that in the future... the D/H Equation! :bigsmile

There's nothing much to report today. I was up for a little kinky play last night, baby was settled into her room and I was less nervous about it... and then the site crashed! It took us what seemed like forever to sort it (which then happened to be nothing to do with us, and we just had to wait!) so by the time we got to bed I was soooooooo tired.

The result though seems to be that I'm rested this morning, the sun is shining (always makes me horny!) and I'm in a good mood. If we were alone now we would definately be playing in a gentle, teasing way... I definately have a lot of ideas running through my head and I feel like the balance is pretty much perfect.

 

Dominatrix Feelings: 95% :tongue: ~~ Horniness: 100% :tongue: ... look out pet!

I'm not entirely sure what's going on with me today!

I was feeling in a great mood, horny and full of confidence this morning. I dressed in comfy Sunday clothes, but they were a little sexy too I guess. I've been "ordering" pet to do things in a more authorative manner, without being bossy, just being specific. Things are getting done!

We've been fooling around like teenagers (much to the disgust of customer's in the supermarket... we were only hugging and kissing... honest!) and pet hasn't been able to keep his hands off me all day!

I've done quite a bit of ironing and mowed the lawn (I know... I know...!) but they both gave me time to think. I found myself fantasising about a sexy gardener, then about having a lovely sissy maid around the house to help me out and be a bit girlie with when she'd finished her chores. I found myself thinking about sex alllll day long!

I'm coming up with Domme ideas by the minute! I must go and write some down, because I'm just so inspired.

I'm not entirely sure where this came from, but I hope it carries on.

 

Dominatrix Feelings: 20% ~~ Horniness: 20%

Will anyone be surprised to hear that last night did not go as planned? No... didn't think so!

I blame myself mainly, but I do think pet should have seen it coming (or not!) and helped steer it in the right direction.

I wanted to take a nice long bath... I know pet tried to help out in this aspect, but I was already feeling the pressure of intent and was a bit snappy! To that end, nothing was right in the bathroom.

By the time I got up to the bedroom I knew I would be annoyed because the laundry had made its way up there, but pet didn't know where to put it, so I had to tidy up.

Again... pet did try to help, but this is where it all fell apart!

He won't listen to instructions, and if he doesn't understand he just "assumes" he knows what I want, which he doesn't... When I tried to explain things he was back-chatting constantly. Always trying to prove that he was right, or misunderstood. Personally I felt the whole thing undermined my authority and therefore my confidence.

So I threw a strop.

I probably missed out on a night of fun, but to be honest my biggest concern about the whole thing is that he makes it too much hard work. I can't battle every little thing. It wears me out. It's like having a bratty teenager.

I came down to the laptop this morning, mad as hell, ready to give up, but I find an email from Ms Lori.

So I just sit here staring at the offending device on the page... wondering where the hell this is all going to go.