I have noticed a theme of the reluctant wife and pushy husband switching places in the path of moving towards a wife led marriage. I am curios how pravelent is the turtle beating the rabbit? Husbands are typically 3 miles ahead of their wife in terms of a path into a wife led marriage. However with time the wife often passes the husband leaving the husband wondering what he had unleashed. Is this common? Are there husbands that try to put the brakes on or even try to go back to the starting line? Do wives always feel they are catching up to their husband or does the student become the master over time?
There is a reason people say, "Be careful what you wish for." I adore my Wife and I am quite open about her wearing the pants in my family, but there are some private things that she does that I don't like. It's part and parcel of giving someone else control over you- they must earn your trust and your devotion but you can't pick their style. For me it's the pledge. I have to bend the knee every night and say a pledge, asking permission to join Her in Her bed. I mildly enjoy it/tolerate it now, but boy I hated it at first. And because I hated it -and it cemented Her dominance over me- She never lets a night pass without insisting on it. There are times you just don't feel submissive, but in a lifestyle strict FLR, you better suck it up because that's what you signed up for and there's rarely any vacation. It's a wild ride but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. It should be called BRE, meaning Best Relationship Ever.
it is common, but probably not quite as common as it seems. This is one of the commonest fantasies in our kink - my wife was reluctant and now I've unleashed a monster and she's never going to let me out of the cage. I'm certain it happens. I'm equally certain it doesn't happen as often as we read about it on here.
I have to agree with the other posters. I think a big part of it is down to communication, it is unlikely your loving partner would want to do something that would make you truly unhappy and feeling discontented. However they have the hugely difficult task of finding the things that they can 'force' you to do that you don't like but makes you feel happy about being told to do and the things which you don't want to do and would make you genuinely unhappy and out of the submissive space. Whilst some may not care and will do absolutely whatever they want I do believe that most will try their best to find the right line which makes them happy but also does not push you to a point where you feel genuinely unhappy with the situation.
It might seem more common because it makes such a great story. We love hearing that our desires and kinks will become as exciting to our partners as it is to us. I'm sure there are a number of cases where both parties go into the FLR with equal enthusiasm or even where the woman actually drives the switch from a regular relationship to one putting her in charge. No matter how it gets there, the couples that get to enjoy a FLR should be happy.
How about the regret side. Are there those either wife or husband that drives down this path and decides to go back to where they started?
If you live in small-town Southern USA it's a challenge for both parties. People can be very judgmental. As a sub, I have male acquaintances that look upon me with disdain, as well as women. Some of the moms at my kids school openly dismiss me because I'm just a house husband and lets his wife wear the pants in the family. I sit quietly by her side at school meetings while she does all the talking, and sit quietly while she has lunch with her friends. She often orders my food for me, sometimes ordering only an extra spare plate for me and giving me part of whatever she ordered for herself. She insists on the check and will quickly object if it's handed to me. At church I follow behind her and get in the pew while she stands in the aisle and lets me by. She sits at the end of the pew while her family sits in the middle. It's one of those little gender reversals that catch everyone's eye. My job is to look after the kids, do house and business chores, open doors, etc. We both love it and are deeply in love with each other, but vanilla folks just don't understand it. By the same token, my Wife gets the same disapproval, mainly from women who think she should be the dutiful wife and know her place, give me a voice, etc. She wears towering heels, has long legs to die for, large breasts, and long pink hair. She turns heads everywhere we go. She is the stereotype Dominatrix, although in practice she's actually more into gentle femdom rather than full-on BDSM. She does have the spanker and the crop and she's not afraid to use them though lol. For both of us, we have to live less openly than we would prefer. We are business people and well known in the community, so some of our more kinky pleasures are quite discreet. We often talk about if we lived in LA, or New York, or New Orleans, how life would be much different for both of us. We could be open and really supercharge the FLR. My Wife especially would like to lead me around by a leash for walks as that is one of her fantasies. She also has some T-shirts, etc that raise eyebrows in a small town. She broadcasts GIRL POWER everywhere she goes.
From the stories here, it seems most couples progress together and hold tight into some middle equlibrium. I have seen a number of flr sites between couples dissipate and I have wondered if there is a pattern of burn out that occurs. I would like to believe that the work to keep a site up may be the limiting factor rather than the burn out of this type of relationship.
I grew up in the south...and tolerance was not it's strong suit. Especially when your mother enrolls you in ballet when the only approved extracurricular activity that was acceptable as a boy was sports. I love your non nonsense attitude of your wife. Those wives are the pioneets...chipping away at old thinking.
I'm not sure that it would be correct to say that the husband is ahead of the wife. There's a common term, "topping from the bottom," in which the one who desires to be driven, is driving the ship. So long as that's the case, it would take a mutiny, and the wife would need significant motivation to try. If she doesn't care about the process to begin with, what's her motivation? If we tire of hearing, "no one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care," we shouldn't. We should stive to live by it, as a maxim. If your wife is to be encouraged, take the first step. When was the last time she did the dishes? It should be the last time. Don't let it happen again. Cleaning, taking out the garbage, same. When was the last time you talked back, corrected her, or truly listened to her? if you wait for her to demand these things of you, to "force" your obedience, then you may be waiting a long time. Don't tell her what to do, or even try to convert her to your way. If you want her to require you to do chores, then just do them. If you want her to require you to wear a cage, then just do it. If you want her to manage the finances, then turn them over to her; let her put a password on your account and you're out. Trust her. If a female-led scenario, or chastity, is just a kink, just a fantasy, don't expect it to be hers. It could be, if she's inclined, but that's her choice. If you want it more abut aren't already living it and showing her that you're ready for it by doing it, then you're not miles ahead. You just want something that she doesn't. If it's really about female-led, strive to find out what she wants...because that's actually what it means. Put her focus first. Being needy, or really wanting something, isn't being ahead. Don't confuse your wants, with hers. Strive to learn her wants, and meet them. If you truly want to serve, truly want to be hers, then don't try to lead her to water. Find out what she's drinking, and have a sip. Then bring her a glass, and keep it coming.
Yes!... Love love love this!! Absolutely spot on. This is exactly the mindset I am working towards with hubby. True FLR is female-centred and not driven by his fantasy. During play, I am 100% happy taking on the Dominatrix role that his fantasy craves. But the 24/7 day to day bit must be about making MY life easier, making ME happy. Willingly handing over power and control to me because he wants to, not for the potential payoff of doing so. It works when control is offered without male driven agenda, when his image of me being the dominant and taking the lead is not the expectation. That's when I take the lead naturally, in my own style. I'm doing it for me, the way I want to, because I want to. Because I feel in control and powerful, not carefully manipulated to play a part in his fantasy. We are a work in progress but the shift is definately happening. And it feels so damned good!
I think the scenario I am referring to is a wife being introduced to FLR by a husband who has been thinking about it and suppressing it for years. Thus the husband understands the concepts about FLR for quite some time and maybe already acting submissive to the wife.. However, the wife needs to be introduced to this over time, because the concept could feel odd to her. Society has conditioned us to believe that this relationship is not natural as has been described above. I do think topping from the bottom has been somewhat over used and I think the word "kink" is used too much as a dismissive term. I think the KH should know all her subs fantasies and kinks as they are a window into his submission. She will partake in the fantasies that work for her and either put on pause or all together disavow those she has no interest in, but ignoring his fantasies seems silly as it means not understanding who your submissive is and what stimulates his submission. Why would a KH practicing Loving Female Authority not want to sexualize her subs submission to her? Wouldn't she want him to feel pleasure every time he serves her, creating a deep submissive bond? I think most of what we call fetishes are tools. A chastity device, called a fetish by many, is really a way to rechannel sexual energy towards their KH. It creates a specific hormonal condition in the male increasing oxytocin and dopamine. If there was a medicine that created that same condition, would we call it a kink? Physical discipline, also a tool. Parents who do use corporal discipline on their children certainly are not practicing a sexual kink, but simply practicing old fashion conditioning....associating a specific behavior to a negative consequence. So if a wife practices corporal discipline....isn't she doing the same? Again a tool to accomplish improved behavior. Strap on pegging, feminisasition, mild humiliation of the submissive all get labeled as kinks, but again these are simply the tools of the trade. All of the above are trying to reverse the years of socialization that create a destructive male ego that interferes with the progress of a FLR. We label these tools as kink because they have erotic connections, but that reflects our culture's dismissive nature towards sex in general as dirty or shameful. At the end of the day, these features are just tools and any KH in a FLR may or may not use to achieve the goal for her marriage. But any loving KH is going to want to create a submissive who finds himself enraptured in pleasure by being in submissive state as it reinforces their connection and creates harmony in their relationship, particularly in a FLR.
Absolutely agree. I know my subs sexual 'kinks' and fantasies inside out, and these are very much woven into both play sessions and day to day life. But they do not define our FLR, if that makes sense. Perhaps we are different to many couples, particularly in the context of this thread, as we met through a fetish website- we were both looking to go down the same route of exploring chastity and male submission- so it's not something he's led me into over time, but the nature of our interests aren't always aligned, and neither is our levels of interest! Real life gets in the way for me much more than him. Sometimes, particularly when I'm not so invested, he sways towards being led by idealism of how it 'should' be, which makes me feel topped. Driven by sexual drive and fantasy. (Isn't that the very nature of male libedo- hence chastity and KH?) But when the balance is right, its a very deep sensual, sexual bond. And the sexual undertone to his submission and my leading is always there for both of us.
I think I am envisioning a future, where FLR doesn't live in remote corners of the internet. Nature has already given men into women's hands as you can often see even the most alpha men surrender to is the opposite sex, becaue nature made men this way. However, most women feel uncomfortable utilizing the tools that create this surrender and ultimately create the deep bonds between the two sexes. Thus I imagine a time when women who might be interested in such a relationship can take a class on the subject. If the tools nature gave women are presented as kinks, the light switch I believe will turn off. If presented as tools and understand how they can be used, I believe women could very efficiently use such tools to move the relationship in the direction they want, while fully taking advantage of the effectiveness of such tools. Life does get in the way, but I think these tools can be used so efficiently, that minimal time is required to impliment them. I posted in this in another place under CM, but here is an example of a wife using such tools that take probably an hour or two per week to implement. http://dommewife.blogspot.com/2012/07/the-four-cornerstones-to-successful.html?zx=1a370238a10dd93e I posted this under the 4 Ds, because I think efficiently achieving the relationship with minimal effort for the KH who can also benefit maximally from the relationship, allows for a much wider acceptance and implementation. I think that is a future that many of us on this site would like to see. It may always be the relationship that is considered different, but it may have similar uptake as homosexual relationships or open relationships. Currently, FLR can not even enjoy the most minimal of societal exposure that these other relationships so easily enjoy and have become acceptable to a wide range of society..
I read your post on the 4 D's with great interest. Thank you for that. I already follow a very similar route but the approach really simplifies and streamlines the process. Great for someone like myself- a serial overthinker!! What I'd like to add though is that when I say real life gets in the way, I don't mean so much in a practical sense as in lack of time. It's more that real life stress, worry and fatigue get in the way of mindset. And that's when the whole making my life easier comes into its own.
I prefer to look at the accoutrements of FLR, including a chastity device, as a symbol rather than a tool. A symbol tends to embody a meaning, often a promise or commitment made to another. The power of an object, that has been symbolized, lies within that shared promise and/or meaning. Much like a couple might with a wedding ring. I use tools every day. They tend to be implements rather than objects of commitment.
This initial question is strange. The turtle can never beat the rabbit as there is no finish line. Does the rabbit sometimes get more than they bargained for? Absolutely. It’s all about perspective on what you wanted from the outset. In my case my wife has completely taken over the control of the situation. Whereas we initially started with her reluctance… agreeing a path of maybe once a month for orgasms… then having that taken away and being replaced with only for ‘special occasions’… now it’s probably never going to happen. Thats one aspect of the scenario. On the other aspect, sexually maybe she’s not as kinky as I would imagine, however she does way more than I expected. The rabbit and the turtle tend to get bored of running and enjoy their place on the bank watching others race. Peacefully happy in their middle ground. Yes the rabbit is probably restrained, dressed in the turtles clothes and unable to cheer others on due to the ball gag… but they’re happy! The real race it seems is for the male to accept the actual dominance of their turtle. Allowing the control. But, I wouldn’t suggest this is a common theme. I read more posts about how to turn vanilla wives than actual success stories. I don’t think you’d ever read a story on the husband wanting to put the brakes on. Maybe fantasy stories. But genuinely, it doesn’t seem the sort of thing you’d need advice on.
3 Miles ahead in this case is completely subjective, one could make the argument that the husband being so "pushy" is 3 miles behind due to the fact he doesn't understand what his wife really wants to do at the time. Remember, Darth Vader was the good guy to some people and the "Rebel Alliance" was the bad guy. It's all a matter of perspective.
Ca not imagine anything being worth living in NY or LA or any big city, especially now. Sounds like you married a real winner, and are a lucky man, like me. Man do I love a woman in real heels. I can imagine the looks and the snickers, but it seems you have done what you should and rolled with it. Ive never worried about living up to someone else's expectations except for a few people I thought the world of because they were so imbued with impeccable integrity. The rest, who cares is my attitude. All you need do, and clearly you have already done it, is ask yourself would you rather have the life you have and have to deal with unnapproving locals, move to a big city, or be a vanilla normie couple.where you are now. No brainer I would say,
I may have been in somewhat of a FLR all along, but didn’t have a label for it. We have always shared duties in our marriage, and sex was always a shared event as well. We have been partners in all aspects, and have freely changed positions as required for any situation. Now that we have started into male chastity as a way to spice things up, the sexual aspect puts her more into being in charge than before. The rest of our life has not changed at this point, but you never know what the future holds.
Before we took our ~ 4 year hiatus from fem dom/ chastity, I was required to pledge every morning to Mistress, a variation from the best letter we ever read, from Babs, In Volume one of John Willies 'quintessential Bizarre magazine complete collection, I never minded it. I have read with great interest your about your lives in a small southern town. Ours is 4000, but my wife does not do the public FLR display that yours does, and is not a natural dominant. So, huge difference. I also read about you being cucked, and your very hot wife taking a friend's bull when she moved on. I have to ask, but you most certainly don't have to answer, what happened to get to that point? The fem dom relationship, I totally get. That's me too. I love it. I know how you got there. But how the cuck part? I've never been any great shakes at intercourse. I can flat lick some pussy, but screwing , pretty mediocre, When I was building this house and living apart from my wife for years so that we could achieve this retirement dream, I used to wake up at 4 am and go to the gym before heading to build the house , but would edge myself for ~ 5 minutes first , with a hard on. Then, about a year later , the hard ons stopped, or at least became way less frequent or easy to come by. Been that way ever since,. Sometimes 100 mg of Viagra works, some times it doesn't. i'm telling you this because obviously something happened between you and your wife. when she decided to go after bulls. I"ve seen studies that I believe that like attractiveness/ assets marry. Tens mandy tens, or nines. Fives marry fives, or fours, or sixes, but not nines. From your descriptions, your wife is obviously a stunner who knows it and dresses the part. Add in the overt air of dominance, and she can have who she wants. That means you were , or are, a real catch too. But something changed somewhere along the way, perhaps as it did with me 20 years ago. Just wondering, yYu can tell me to buzz off and no feelings hurt.