Lauren's Journal

Okay here goes... I've started this journal to explore my own feelings and thoughts about this path in my life. Some of the posts will be about chastity, some is girly stuff and some may just be rambling thoughts that are in my head.

I have been given an opportunity for 10 days to be just about as girly as I want. You see my family is out of town so I have the whole house to myself. There are times (like work and such) that I'll be my other self, but when I'm alone I'll be just Lauren - the girl within. She's a strong presence in my life - a secret part of myself that only a few individuals know of. I'm just not ready to let her out completely - even if she is a hottie!

Some background: Like many of you I've harbored strong feelings about expressing myself as a girl, a woman, a sissy... I've had these feelings for decades and the degree of intensity has waxed and waned over the years. And like many of you I've become desperate at times to let her out, against all the cultural, societal and self-imposed crap that is heaped on us from birth. Compared to many of you my lifestyle is probably quite tame. Judging from the collective posts and pics here at Chastity Mansion I'm still feeling like a newbie in this part-time (for me) world of sissydom that we've been exploring together.

The project: Ten days of wonderment, enchantment and dream fullfillment... So the mission laid out before me was that I've ten days to explore more
fully those sissy feelings. I've had chances like this before, but nothing of this length and in my own home where I can relax and really let it all hang out. I wanted to do as much prep beforehand to enjoy every minute.

Prep: I've rounded up all the things I needed to fulfill my mini-sissy adventure. I had a collection of private things, but needed a few extra items to make this extra special. I've made a few posts already about some of my shopping experiences. One of the things I bought was a CB3000. I've already made a few posts about it too and the time it took to find the right combination of rings, spacers and mods to make it fit nicely.

more posts to follow...

 

Day 1 - part 1

Day 1: Take the girls to the airport. I'm already wearing panties. After dropping them off, kissing goodbye and wishing them well I head back towards home. But I can't wait to get home. I've got to get some makeup on NOW and get my CB3000 installed on my sissy clittie. I pull off at an exit ramp and slip on the CB3000. Using the car's vanity mirror I learn the art of applying makeup on the go - Not too much, just enough to make me feel all warm inside and feel that gush of girly enthusiasm for the day ahead.

I get home and rush upstairs to my bedroom. I've got to get into my girl mode fast! After all, I've been planning and waiting for this moment for months now and I'm so anxious I almost burst through the vent holes of the CB. First thing I do is exfoliate and shave my legs. I'm so smooth I'm almost dieing of pleasure - what a way to go! I can't wait to slip into some stockings and a dress, but I've got to get some polish on my nails first. I allow them to dry while I put on my makeup. Just for fun I try to out some self-tanning spray while wearing a bra and panties - my hope is that I'll achieve slight but telltale tan lines after a few hours. (this didn't work out too well, but I like how tanned and glowing I look!)

Makeup is quite a challenge. There's such a huge selection of items; so much to learn about what looks good on you and what doesn't work at all. I just don't know how you girls do it! Anyway, I've already planned much of this out already so as best as I can I apply some makeup-foundation, eye shadow, mascara, a little blush, and of course slick red lipstick. Now I slip on my wig and my transformation is almost complete... But what to wear? I've gathered quite a large collection over the years.

I go with my old sun dress, fresh lace panties, nude pantyhose (for warmth mostly), a flowery print bra and my black high heels. What I see looking back at me in the mirror has me floored - gosh I look pretty hot! Right now more than ever, I sooo wish I was a girl for real!! I've got to get some pics of myself. Taking photos is a real turn on. Some of them I'll share with you here at the mansion.

 

I've discovered over the past few weeks how observant I've become with "the little things" that girls do to make themselves look so beautiful. I'm sure this is due to a few things: 1) some of the chastity play I've been doing which makes my horny as hell, 2) my own exploration of how I'd make myself try to look as feminine as possible.

I just love it when I make some of these discoveries. It's so exciting to me how women will apply tweaks to their makeup to match what they wear that day or choose an outfit that really brings out their natural beauty. (On the other hand guys usually just throw on a pair of pants, run a comb through their hair and are out the door.)

That girl in me yearns for this stuff. She loves it to just imagine going through the process of getting ready in the morning - primping and prissying to look her best (sorry if I'm stereotyping). And now I'm living it for 10 days. I wonder if I'll be able to "go back" after all the joyful experiences I'll have?

 

THANK YOU! :manga_heatwave:
I'll make this post right now to the chastity mansion community that hey: anyone who responds to my journal please know how thankful I am to all of you! Even if you don't reply but read it or whatever - still THANKS to all of you. Many of you make such thoughtful replies and I appreciate your insights, yes I do!

I don't want to clutter the journal with thank you's each time any of you makes a post so here goes in advance for all that you do: THANK YOU!

Hugs and kisses

 

Day 1 - part 2

As the day wore on I decided to take a walk. But I wanted to be a bit daring so I checked my makeup, put on a more subdued shade of lipstick and took a drive away from home where I could walk unnoticed (hopefully). I walked on a trail wearing my CB and girlie clothes underneath, but guy clothes on the outside. For me this was a big thrill, but everyone on the trail probably didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. If they did they didn't react. From a distance my face probably looked normal (maybe really smooth and fair featured), but up close one could tell I was wearing makeup. A number of bikes zipped past me, people walked nearby. Nobody seemed to notice - which was probably for the best - yet still it was really quite exciting for me.

I went on home and changed into another outfit, took some photos and just sat around enjoying myself enfemme: sitting on the couch like a proper girl, practicing sissy etiquette, and trying to be as prissy of a sissy as I knew how.

I love walking around trying to improve my sissy strut. When I'm in heels I notice how my gait changes a lot. My posture is thrown back and I really feel prettier up on my toes. I have to take smaller steps; each step clicking brightly across the floor. Going down stairs is a grand event. I really need the hand rail for balance which is sort of a sissy turn-on. [warning: fantasy follows...] I imagine how I'd love to have a strong domme by my side supporting me. If I was a real limp-wristy sissy I'd picture myself on the arm of a big strong man - probably the latest lover of my dominatrix wife.

Anyway I spent the rest of the day fantasizing and posing for myself. Not so exciting to write about, but a huge turn-on for Lauren! Somehow the pictures don't quite capture the image I see of myself, but it does reinforce my sissy, chaste nature.

In the evening I watched two of my favorite movies: 1) House of Dark Shadows. It picks up where the late '60's soap opera left off. I love the gothic scenes in the movie and the victorian charm. 2) Picnic at Hanging Rock - lots of sissy eye candy in this movie and the soundtrack - mostly Beethoven is so flowery and lovely. I adore it! (I was into these movies before I had done much sissy stuff and yet it's all there - a part of my sissyness before I even knew it.)

 

Part of my training...

As part of my 10-day project I decided to buy a realistic dildo that I could use in "various ways". But what to buy? There's so many choices. Well what is a girl to do?

I did a little research into size and traits that fits what is "normal". I found from numerous sources what is considered average erect size (if you believe the research). I also measured myself as scientifically as possible and found that I am about normal in length and just shy in girth. (This actually was kind of shocking to me and a confidence builder for me as a man. I made love to my wife as a man that night - it was fun!) I ended up buying a doc Johnson 6" dildo with balls and vibrator. It looked so lifelike and fell within what is normal, maybe just a bit on the large size but close enough (based on my research). [You can do your own research if you want. I'm not going to list my findings here because I'm afraid it will open up a can of worms].

I had done some online sissy reading that got me all wet about trying to learn how to perform fellatio. (Curious girl!) I had no idea just what this was like, but I'm learning how to do it. I really get turned on trying to take it all into my mouth. I had no idea how hard it is to kiss, slurp, swallow and suck something this large in my mouth. (Again I didn't go buy the largest one-eyed monster I could find. I tried to obtain something that is normal and within spec). I have to give credit to any girl out there that's tried taking a penis this way. I think eating and worshipping the female is much easier actually.

At any rate I've learned a lot about how submissive this makes me feel. I named my dildo Robert... no idea why, but it fits. If I try to take 'him' all the way into my mouth I have to gag and that brings tears to my eyes. I kind of love this feeling. I want to take all of 'him' in, but can't, and that makes me feel slight and small. I get real turned on wrapping my pink nail-polished fingers around 'his' erect member while I kiss 'him' and bring 'him' into my mouth as my own shrinking clitty is securely locked away in my CB.

After a bit of practice I've managed to swallow Robert all the way down to his lifelike balls. I pledged that I would not be allowed to have 'him' take me in my sissy-hole until I had accepted 'him' fully. (Yikes my POIs are making their presence known as I type this).

I think I need to be spanked severly right about now. :smilies_xxx22: I better stop now until things calm down. Stay tuned for more of my adventure...

 

Day 2

Pretty much the same as day 1. Lots of prettying and sissyfying activities. I discovered some perfume that sends me into orbit. It's Estee Lauder - Beautiful. I love catching a scent on my wrist or in my clothes. I must have a really strong sense of smell. The scent of perfume - this one in particular - does something to me that gets me so hot.

If your following along from day 1 you'll know that I was to receive a gift from "Robert" (my dildo). Later in the evening after I worked him/me up into a frenzy "he" took me from behind. We had to go real gentle at first and it wasn't until I used some different lubrication that I was able to have him slide in easily. First I was using JO and no matter how much I applied "he" was getting sort of stuck. So I grabbed some KY and that did the trick oh so well.

 

Day 3

I'm wearing some kind of feminine clothing 24x7 and have been since the journey started. I know this all sounds tame to most of you, but it's such a blast for me to do this. I feel sooo girly when I've got something on. I've been prancing about the house whenever I can with different outfits on. I've made some videos, but can't seem to reduce the size down enough (sounds like a problem in other departments too) to upload anything to the site that I'm happy with.

I have been locked up apart from showers and some fun last evening with "Robert" (see day 2). In the evening I wanted to do more play with my aneros and work my way up to something larger (like Robert). This time I remained all locked up (without the POIs) and began to stimulate my sissy hole. I was dripping pre-cum like a leaky faucet.

I must have been touching something just right because it felt sooo fine. I would go through various stages of stiffness and limpness in my CB3000, but all the while I was dripping cum like crazy and fairly continuously. As things built up to a crescendo I had an orgasm that would not end. (I guess I wasn't exactly dry, but I never produced any milky-white semen). My Kegel muscles were contracting and pulsing like an orgasm and I kept this up for much longer than usual.

To say it was fabulous doesn't even come close. This wasn't quite milking, but it set off something very much like it except my orgasm just kept building beyond anything I've felt before. I was on the edge and stayed there for an eternity then it just kept getting BETTER. I don't know how to describe it any better than that. (Is this like tantric sex?)

Anyway I don't see a smiley that I can end this day with so I guess I'm done with Day 3.

Signed, Exhausted with a smile

 

Day 4

Not much to report actually.

After last night Lauren is a bit in awe. Certainly the afterglow of all that happened left her in a glistening shiny state. Whatever happened left her wanting it again and again. Part of it had to be her mind state (I don't mean altered). She was just in the right frame as she thought about how chaste and submissive she was while being taken in a most submissive way. Something else was in control and that permitted her this most cosmic of experiences. It all just clicked.

Anyway Lauren was kind of tired and took it fairly easy although later in the evening after gaining her second wind she tried to get to the place she was the day before. That didn't happen and left her a bit frustrated.

Lauren picked up some cotton camisoles 2 days ago (from the market of all places) and just loves to wear them around the house, to bed for sleepwear, and even out under heavy sweaters when she's doing her guy thing. There's something really lovely about how it hangs just above my navel and sort of tickles me. The spaghetti straps are light-weight so they don't show through clothing and yet I know they are there. Such fun!
arty-091:

 

Day 5

Well girls I'm all caught up with my journal. Here is how Day 5 has gone...

Lauren was quite a naughty sissy this morning and there had to be some punishments. We won't discuss the infraction, but she was a bad naughty girl and had to be taught a lesson!

For starters she had her panties pulled down and was spanked severely. This left her stinging and near tears. Lauren actually loves the stinging sensation and gets very turned on when watching herself be spanked in the mirror. Still the humiliation and accompanying pain are all part of the payment for her misdeed.

She is now encased in her CB3000 with both sets of the extremest pointy POIs in place. (...Oh dear I need to pause before continuing. Where's my mantra? That last paragraph just got to me...) Okay, whew.

This afternoon she played dress-up with some new ankle socks and her mini skirt and played her guitar. She had never played her guitar while dressed enfemme. She had to take some pics so check them out.

Tonight she will receive her final punishment while continuing to wear the POIs. Something humiliating yet titillating at the same time perhaps. Wish her well. She was a bad girl, but has learned the errors of her ways and promises to be a good girl for the rest of the week. :innocent0002:

 

To answer Candide's question about my shaving and general secrecy about this whole scene... [Yikes: I've reread my response below and I did ramble on for a bit. Apologies - I thought this was a simple answer, but the more I thought about it the more interested I became in trying to give an accurate answer.]

I've always been pretty discreet with my habits. I'm just starting to not care about the secret as much, but up until now the secret was a BIG (like MAJOR HUGE) part of the excitement for me. [My little Lauren is growing up. *sigh*]

I think I'm moving more towards opening up a dialogue for sharing this kink of mine with her and my recent shaving expedition may allow for that to occur. Right now she either seems to humor me or not be aware. We don't really talk about it and that's okay for now.

For the past few years I just shaved my inner thighs and occasionally part way down my upper leg, but never further. I never wanted to go out in shorts in the summer and be noticed... and now it's winter! (grin) But shaving makes things all "slickery" and smooth. I've occasionally shaved or trimmed my pubic area to make it look cute and clean cut. She's never really said anything about it even though I'm sure she has noticed. With it being COLD where we live we're pretty much either under the sheets or getting dressed quickly and our schedules are a bit different so showering and getting dressed occurs at different times. In other words we don't stand around naked in front of each other right now because it's freezing cold!

Now in preparation for my odyssey that I'm writing about here I decided to get a jump start on shaving ALL THE WAY DOWN my legs. I discovered (from past experience) that it takes more than one shave to get all the hairs so I wanted to be super silky smooth for this event. She "may" have noticed my legs one morning about a week before her trip, but didn't say anything to me. We'll see if anything comes up upon her return since I'll be in roughly the same state. But for right now we don't ask and we don't tell.

Ya' know I've thought about a safe response should it come up and we can leave it at that. But if she seems at all interested I may test the waters further. Who knows what will come of this? I'm so shy and embarrassed about approaching this subject and yet it's become such a big part of my existence.

Yeah sure I can write anonymously at the mansion about it, because this feels like a safe place for me here to express myself, but actually taking that step in my life with sharing this SECRET part of me with someone in my REAL life is something I'm cautious about - to put it mildly.

(Maybe the mansion could just be filled with virtual entities - I mean like I could be making this all up right? AND maybe MikeCB, Candide, Dollyanne and "everyone" else are just computer programs talking back to me with random questions - who knows?) [Okay that last paragraph was just plain weird]

Peace, out!

 

Dollyanne - If what I experienced in day 3 was a female orgasm then I only hope I can find my way there again. It's something I'll cherish forever. I hope you can find it in yourself too.

 

Day 6 - A Beautiful Day

Is this the essence of chastity?

Lauren woke up with a notion about recapturing her "virginity". Right off the bat I know this sounds weird, but part of my journey is to try to experience as many things from a female's perspective that I can. Until this morning this unique thought wasn't something I even considered. I had a game plan for lots of other "firsts", but this idea is something special to re-experience now - and all from my girlie side. So I put it in my mind that today would be a new day - a day to experience what it is to be a female virgin. (A grand new thought experiment to experience).

You see I realized that by being my own keyholder I could unlock myself anytime. I hadn't given much thought to the plastic numbered keys that came with the CB3000 until now. I didn't want to use them since I had the Master lock & key (and I'm cheap and didn't want to "waste" them), but then it crossed my mind that IF I locked myself with the plastic numbered lock (herein pnl) I might think twice about breaking it open.

It dawned on me in the early morning hours that this pnl could be symbolically protecting Lauren's virginity - at least the sissy clitty part of her. She could remain locked and chaste for as long as the pnl remained "in tact" and breaking the pnl would in some symbolic way represent a breaking of her virginity - something she could never go back on.

To that end I jumped in the shower, cleaned up and couldn't wait to get locked back in the CB3000 and transform into a "virginal chaste" version of myself. Now instead of grabbing the Master lock and key, I presented my symbolic virginity turnkey and slid it into place. As I assembled the CB and forced the pnl down into the locking receptacle it clicked, and then a small plastic piece flew off onto the floor - almost in slow motion.

From that point onwards I've felt something really different inside. It's really quite a special feeling that is pure - almost spiritual.

Now I'm not saying all of me is pure. I mean I'm horny as hell, but my sissy clitty (I wish I had a nicer word for it) is shielded by all of this now - at least until I break open the CB. So there's this internal struggle of insane horniness and the desire to stay "pure". Wow this is so cool.

==============================================

I had a lot of business to take care of today and I started thinking of how I could incorporate my femme journey along with them. I had to go downtown for a meeting and I decided to pack up some of my favorite things so that I could go totally femme on the way home. I grabbed a small purse and placed my lipstick, eye shadow, makeup and a few other essentials that we girls need.

I was already locked up, and so I slipped on a favorite pink garter belt, black stockings and matching pink panties. The panties fit around the CB really well. Of course on top of all this was my guy outer wear...

After finishing up with my work I jumped in my car and parked in an empty parking lot. Then I slipped out of my boots, pants and sweater and slipped on my skirt, pink bra, mauve cami, gray sweater and high heels. Then I added a pearl necklace and broach. (Damn, I forgot perfume!) I got my face all made up and then started getting really paranoid that I'd be "discovered".

I gathered my wits and talked myself into finishing off with my blond wig and dark glasses. Hey, I have to say that I looked pretty hot and it was starting to get me quite excited with the concept of driving all the way home on the freeway. I could look down and see my skirt covering my stocking clad legs, I could glance in my mirror and see Lauren, the ravishing blond staring right back at me. Whew!

I put the car in gear and headed onto the street (fearing I might get in an accident or be seen by someone who knows my car or would recognize me). Driving with high heels is sort of different, but it actually felt really nice. As I passed cars and people, no one seemed to pay any notice and I started to relax a bit. I believe I hit on a key to all this. All I had to do was look and act as femme as possible and no one would notice. That was so cool - I was passing as Lauren!

As I got closer to home I realized that I had my video camera with me. I just had to pull over somewhere and capture a quick motion video of me walking about looking as hot and sexy as I felt.

So that's just what I did. I felt so vulnerable at first. I got out of my car, set up my camera on the hood and walked away from the car - all exposed to the big wide world, out in the open with no where to hide. But I now had the key to "passing": Just act natural like I'm walking to my car with my purse in hand as any cute girl would. (Oh and swagger my hips a little just for kicks.) This was something I had really wanted to explore - being scared/vulnerable/exposed/raw when your out there en femme. This made me so hot. I don't have "the walk" down yet, but I'm getting there - it's such fun!

When I arrived home I felt my panties and realized that I was soaking wet. What a rush! And yet all this time I still had this chaste feeling inside. I just wanted to lay on my bed, roll about, see myself in the mirror and feel the thrill of being a young, chaste girl all safe and comfy in her own bed.

Well, I had a few minutes to spare so I set up Robert (my dildo) and let him take me. It was so nice, the wetness continued and I loved the fullness "he" brought me. I felt like another "day 3" was approaching, but I stopped.

This was a great day and I don't want it to end. This chastity I've achieved will continue, but at some point I'll have to spoil it and break the lock. But I believe that the reasons will be different this time. Whew - what a beautiful day!

I hope you enjoyed this read as much as I enjoyed my day today. I welcome your comments.