Newbie keyholder needs advice please.

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by Sas79, Jul 28, 2013.

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  1. Sas79
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    Sas79 New member

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    Hi all,
    I'm a newbie keyholder who is really struggling with the emotional side of denying my man. I never thought I would find it so hard! Ok, so a little background information to get you started; I met my man about 6 months ago, very soon into our relationship, he told me about his "kinky" side, there are quite a few fetishes aside from the Chastity. I am (was) a vanilla girl and he has introduced me to so much. We played with chastity for a couple of days, I denied him. It felt wonderful, I felt powerful, sexy and incredibly turned on. I could tell he loved it, both the physical, the mental and the fact that I was willing to do it for him. A month or so later, I denied him for a week and during this time "freaked" a little - I felt selfish and under extreme pressure to please/tease him. We abandoned it and he reassured me that everything was fine, that it's all very new to me, that I needed to communicate with him and that he completely understood. Last week I felt ready to try again and this time I locked him up, now I'm really struggling with my emotions. I know through reading and research, I should feel fantastic, turned on, in control, powerful and dominant, however instead, I feel insecure and as if I'm letting him down by not being the all powerful domme. Last night, I was exhausted and the last thing I wanted was sex, but I know he was extremely horny. He never said a word to make me feel uncomfortable and we went to sleep. This morning I felt rotten, I feel as if I keep letting him down. Last night was playing on my mind, which was making me feel far from horny, but I felt I needed to do some tease and denial or something; putting myself under pressure just made feel even less inclined.
    We have always have an amazing sexual relationship and I really want to do this for him, for us, and both of us to enjoy it. I'm scared that unless I can overcome these emotions it will have a really negative impact on our sex life.
    Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice would be very welcome. x
     
  2. Joroincharge
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    Joroincharge Lock em up - 24/7/365!!

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    On the contrary.

    When you're tired and you don't want sex let him simmer and be as horny as he can and not be able to do anything about it.

    Then when you DO want him he can be just in the state you want him to be.

    For your sexual relationship to prosper in this situation the only real way for it to work is for you to make the decisions on when where and how. So you get what you want for yourself; and he gves it to you.

    If he's this inclination, then you don't need to be bothered about his satisfaction: he'll get it only when you want it yourself. This is the whole idea!!

    He must realise he must not try to top from the bottom. I reckon he's only half come to terms with this.
     
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  3. JT52
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    JT52 Member

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    It shouldn't be an effort if this is something you enjoy. If you truly enjoy it then what you'd be reading and watching content online or talking to people about it. The more exposure you have to being domme the more information you'll have to work from. You'll find what you like and be able to figure out situations like these in a domme sort of way. If you're not doing that then this is more about his fetish for it and you serving him by doing it. If you stick with it and treat it like joroincharge says, then he should get better about pressuring you and at some point it will "click" for you. Then you won't feel this way so much. My wife is the same way and it's taken time but she doesn't feel as guilty about it all.
     
  4. Sas79
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    Sas79 New member

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    Thank you both for your reassuring replies. We have discussed chastity and my being his keyholder frequently and it's always turned me on, as has researching it on the internet. The couple of times I have dominated him, I have really enjoyed it. I never expected the real thing to have such an emotional impact. I think part of it is, I feel as if whilst I have him locked away I have to be in permanent domme mode - which I'm sure I don't. We have a very loving relationship, I can talk to him freely about my feelings and he is extremely patient with my rollercoaster journey. Neither of us wish this to be a lifestyle choice, it's supposed to be fun. I'm hoping with a little advice and time this will "click". I'm hoping asking the question on here will allow me to get answers myself, rather than relying on my man to guide me, thus reducing the chances for him to top from the bottom. Thanks again for taking the time to reply. x
     
  5. Joroincharge
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    Joroincharge Lock em up - 24/7/365!!

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    Maybe you don't need to be be Dominant generally. Just have an arrangement that you make all the decisions on sex, and he complies. This isn't as unusual as you may suppose.
     
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  6. Sas79
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    Sas79 New member

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    The thing I find odd is I run my own business. Day to day, I am a very confident, assertive and in-control person, I'm used to taking charge and can be extremely bossy! Why does this side of my personality seem to disappear the moment my boyfriend hands me his keys?!! Thanks again, Joroincharge for your advice. x
     
  7. gruk
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    gruk Member

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    Hi Sas79 (bows)
    My mistress felt very pressured when she first started to take control in the bedroom as I went out of my way to top from the bottom, just to see if she would punish me, the more I tried to get in trouble the less inclined my mistress became to indulge in this lifestyle. Eventually we sat down and had a long chat, my mistress felt I was pressing her to move to fast on her journey, she was still reading and learning the basics of her role, she wanted to be perfectly sure with each step as she moved forward and I wanted to set off at race car pace. It was at this point she decided to buy a cb6000s and I have been locked since January this year. I was told that if my behaviour didn't improve the device would not come off, from that point on I changed my ways and left my Mistress to do as she pleases, I have now become her sub on a 24/7 basis at her request. Maybe the pressure your feeling is from as you say a rollercoaster journey, or a busy work life, having to be in control of everything at work and then come home and start again is never going to be fun, I would say slow down take your time and enjoy the journey and if ( I am a very confident, assertive and in-control person, I'm used to taking charge and can be extremely bossy!) that side of your personality disappears the moment your boyfriend hands you the keys, then leave the keys at work, go home, relax, put your feet up and get your boyfriend to give you a nice foot rub then run you a bath afterwards get him to give you a nice massage, and then tell him where the keys are, that should stopping topping from the bottom after a few weeks lol. Sorry for the long post, just a thought.
     
  8. Sas79
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    Sas79 New member

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    Hi gruk,
    Thank you so much for taking the time to offer your advice - I really appreciate it. It really helps to know that I'm not the only person who has struggled with this. I don't think my boyfriend purposely tops from the bottom, I honestly believe he suggests things to help me, give me ideas and tips, to help me understand what to him is reward/pleasure and what is punishment (believe me, that's taking some getting my head around when I'm completely
     
  9. Sas79
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    Sas79 New member

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    new to the fetish/kink world!) I think I then interpret it as "I want you to do this to me" and I put the pressure on myself to please him.
    The more I read and seek advice, I'm slowly beginning to understand that, in order for this to work, this needs to be about me. It's going to take some getting used to, when, as a lover, I take great pleasure in pleasing my partner sexually. Yes, I think we definately need to take it nice and slowly, giving me time to adjust and find my own feet. Thanks again. x
     
  10. Epiladdy
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    Epiladdy Long term member

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    You're in charge, that's what he wants. It's that simple. If he's topping from the bottom, simple mention that it isn't his place and if he doesn't like how you handle things, then you can go back to the way things were. It's a threat that you'll likely keep if he keeps pestering you, and it's also an effective hint to him to knock it off.

    It sounds to me like you need to break him. He's dealing with hormonal and emotional changes, much the same way you are. He is just reacting different. If his chastity device fits and he's fairly comfortable in it, leave him in it for an extended period of time, I.E. 30+ days, only letting him out to clean himself and shave every other week. In that time, use him to gain satisfaction when you want it. Have him pleasure you orally and with his hands, sitting on his face is an especially powerful thing. Have him give you massages and do your nails. Make him clean house and cook for you.
     
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