fresh, curious, and very confused on next steps

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by softfire, Dec 29, 2012.

  1. softfire
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    softfire New member

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    Hello Everyone, I am so happy to have found such an open, down to earth place to share and learn about chastity experiences!

    background:
    I am in a commited relationship of 11yrs. He is the first man t bring me to orgasim, and make me feel safe, and loved. He has always taken the lead in our sex life, however he has a problem with premature ejaculation. he was always considerate enough to make me cum with his mouth or hands most times before he came. I however always have been shy, as the years go by, I am comming more and more out of my shell and realising that I need more than vanilla sex to get me off, not all the time, just to spice it up.

    Now:
    He came out with this idea of the male chasitiy devices, something I had NO IDEA existed untill a month ago, he was very informed and had years of fantasy to go by. keep in mind, I love being spanked while he f***s me, I loved to be bound, f****d, and used to his every whim. now he wants the tables turned. I have had him in the cb3000 for a few days, (he is loving it, but starting to ask to release and cum, but I am not ready, Im enjoying the attention) we have set out simple rules for him, and I find that he is pushing and breaking them on purpose! He is turned on by harsh punishments: the idea of, flogging, paddles, me fucking him with a strap on, etc. Now I am having trouble carrying these out! I am just not used to being in control, and he just loves this, so do I as I have been so wet and horny for him to please me over and over again. But I know he must know his place. I had to punish him last night for his transgressions, ( I cannot during the day, we have small children) but I counted out to him each time he didnt follow his rules, and reminded him that he would pay! I had him kneel on all fours on the bedroom floor after he brought me to orgasim 4x, head down, no eye contact, as I stared down at him, my chest tightened, how could |I hit this beautifull man who is so responsive, loving and makes me feel like a goddess?! I did alternate between the paddle and the flogger making him count each strike, caressing him softly inbetween. I found it sexy, but also felt so terrible about hitting him, it almost hurts me to do this.

    my problems:
    I am confused about how at the same time I can enjoy being in charge of him, and yet feel so much guilt when i punished him, and how I can tap into the part of myself that can do this. I feel him pushing me to punish him by breaking rules we have clearly set. Im turned on by this whole expierence, and I want to do this, but this guilt over using him to my advantage, then punishing him last night, or him begging me to release him while he was pleasing me...ugh Im so torn. Does anyone have anything similar to my expierence, and how do you deal with these feelings? I am a very cuddly lovin person, who was raised to be there for hubbys needs, and I come second, I have always pleased others first, this journey is about my sexual awareness, and at the same time learning confidence.He is very sexually aware, and very very kinkier than me, wich i just found out upon us embarking on our chastity journey: he craves things I have never even known about much less even considered doing.this is all so new to me. on his list of things for fun or punishments he mentions wearing womens clothing, flogging, paddles, humiliation, me using a strap-on on him, etc.. I am curious, but unsure if I can fit the part of the Domme he thinks he wants. Apparently our ideas were a tad bit apart. I may in time warm to these things but seems its all on me at once. We have a great relationship, have talked openly about my feelings and his, he even felt that his punishment last night was sexy, and thanked me for it. but I feel I need advice from someone with rt expierence. Please help!?
     
  2. MyWifeMyGoddess
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    Welcome to the forums, hope you enjoy your stay here!

    A brief response, punishment should not be something that he enjoys so you might need to do a 180 in your thoughts on punishment. As for the guilt, if he enjoys it, he asked for it, why feel guilty?
     
  3. Lucy
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    Lucy Lucy X

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    softfire I will ask my Mistress if she will write you a reply as she may have some words of wisdom.
    Regards
    slave phil

    Mistress Deborah please can you write a reply to this lady as I know you will have some words of wisdom
     
  4. Dumb1
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    Dumb1 senior member

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    Couldn,t agree more with the reply above if he is asking for punishments because he enjoys them find
    ones he doesn,t enjoy or better still just ignore him and his comments and add more days to his lock up
    periods, he is topping from the bottom in making you do things to him he wants but it your decision what
    happens not his. Explain that the new rules of the game are to played on your terms and then set out the
    things you expect in return for keeping him locked, the most important one being that you and only you will
    decide how or when he will receive any pleasure or pain and if he disagrees give him the key back and tell
    him Game Over! He will if he is as keen to do this as he said soon realise he has little choice but to comply,
    you do have the ultimate weapon in your armoury his need to have you play this game.:) Choose your
    punishments wisely he will want to be punished in a way he has fantasized about but the more mundane
    the ones you choose such as longer spells between lockups the quicker he will comply as he is feeding on
    the fantasy element inside his mind.
     
  5. Billus
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    Billus Laconic.

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    Some of the replies you may receive should be taken with large grains of salt, as many people take chastity as much more than a game. In their minds, punishment is punishment, and not a reward. Topping from the bottom (or the person being punished dictating to the one doing the punishing) is also seen as "bad".

    Everybody takes chastity on their own terms; there are no "rules" you must follow, despite what some may say. Whatever makes you and your husband happy, doesn't wake the kids or bother the neighbors, is up to the two of you.

    If you feel guilt about 'punishing' your husband, keep in mind that he's really asking you to do it. It's what he wants, and will make him happy in the long run. If he wanted to lose weight, and you remind him of that at dessert time, would you feel guilty? Probably not, because the little denial at dinner would be worth the goal he would be striving for (losing weight). In the same way, giving your 'naughty slave' a spanking and a pair of panties to wear would be a momentary discomfort towards a long-term goal (his happiness).

    You might consider thinking of yourself as playing a part - "Now I will be 'Desmonella' the cruel bitch". Or your own evil twin. I'm pretty sure your husband wants you to enjoy the feeling of power he's giving to you. Like a hot bath, you might get into it very gingerly, but once you're in all the way, you might find it amazingly comfortable.
     
  6. MyWifeMyGoddess
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    Billus

    Not to say that you don't also have a point but if she is reluctant in the first place, allowing him to top from the bottom is going to make the entire experience a novelty and set very unrealistic expectations for the future should they decide to carry on. It certainly sounds like he is asking to submit and I would hate to see a couple self sabotage, and I am speaking from experience here. There was a time my Wife would do anything I asked but I'm now wishing I would have just done as she asked and not created deaf ears.
     
  7. Billus
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    Billus Laconic.

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    True dat, but it's important they find their own path rather than feel bound by external rules set by someone else. Maybe they'd be happier with him topping from the bottom. Maybe not. I think it's more important to discover how deeply they want to embrace a chastity lifestyle, rather than feel they're not living up to someone else's expectations of how they should be doing it. To each his or her own.
     
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  8. softfire
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    softfire New member

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    wow, this is much more than I expected, you all have given me so much to think about! I want to say thank you to Philfred to ask his Mistress to advise me in these matters. I am gratefull for you all reaching out to help me find my way on this path. Stroppy and MyWifeMyMistress, I do feel that you may have some valid points for me to mull over, all of you did infact, but what stands out is, yes, your right, its a power struggle, and he cannot question me, and push me into anything I dont want. Thank you for the reassurance, I am so thankfull to have found this place with so many wonderfull open ppl to share with! Billus, I do agree, in the end i will take what fits us as a couple, but inspiration and suprise is a key element I feel to this process. As I am just embarking on this path, I am just absorbing it all as we go along, and making it fit to our needs. For now, it will not totally overtake our lives< I am aware it is not a possibliity, as he is gone away for work 3 wks at a time, and to be caged while away is impossible, it is a health hazard in his job even to wear a wedding ring or necklace. again this device is not about a trust issue between us infidelity wise, I trust him. Its a way to help me explore my sexuality with no pressure from him, for me to become more assertive and outspoken, so far, its working, and has been an amasing expierience. he was the assertive one, and I was tiring of the same old things. We have dabbled in edge of vanilla activities quite often. This however, is a mindset game... I am happy we have chosen this path together, and so very happy to have such open people to share and ask your expierience and advice!
     
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  9. MyWifeMyGoddess
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    Well good luck and no matter what, have fun with what you are doing. :)
     
  10. can-lock
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    can-lock Junior Member

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    Good day!!
    I saw this post on fetlife as well. There was some very good comments left for you there. And one not so good one. Please ignore that one.

    Welcome to this very magical world. For us it has added colour and complexity to otherwise very normal lives. To say that it added to and enhanced our relationship would be an understatement. Every day that i share with my Lady is a gift. We have made it our own. That is to say that we have evolved to where i get some of the treats that She sparingly doles out while She enjoys my company, my devoted attention and plenty of personal satisfaction (i hope).

    Enjoy the journey for each day is a gift, each milestone a point to be celebrated. And the best part is that you take the journey together.
     
  11. softfire
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    softfire New member

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    can-lock


    "Enjoy the journey for each day is a gift, each milestone a point to be celebrated. And the best part is that you take the journey together" <this is beautifull, and I agree wholeheartedly>


    chuckling to myself regarding THAT comment in fetlife, yes, I have ignored it...

    Your post above is a beautifull way to describe this expierience. To that I applaud you in your love and devotion to your Lady. You both are lucky to have eachother in this mixed up world, to find a match is a miracle. I agree, its a shared gift. Thank you :)
     
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