Chastity For One

Hello, everyone. I joined the Mansion about a week ago, and have started posting this week. So far I have been amazed by the openess and willingess to share by so many of the members. Until I joined this forum I had only confided my interest in chastity with two people: my spouse and a very close friend.

After reading Xcitex2's journal, I was so inspired, I thought I would start a journal of my own. Who knows, perhaps my experiences will help others.

"This year is going to be different.", that was my mantra at the start of 2008.

For starters I was going to stop living in fear. Fear of what? Just about anything considered risky behavior. Including getting that frenum piercing I had been contemplating since 1995. On January 03, I was the proud piercee and had the CBR to prove it. The piecing was also to be part of a Lori Spiral security system. But even more than that the piercing served as a daily reminder that things did not have to remain the same.

So, as I was healing (keep in mind, my wife had no idea I was up to any of this. More on that in a minute.) I decided to let my wife know I was no longer content to be an enabler of what I considered to be a sexually disfunctonal marriage. My wife and I have been married nearly 19 years. The past 12 years of that marriage have been devoid of sex and any kind of physical affection. Not even one deep kiss in all that time. We needed to get professional help.

The art of the scene: I had managed to stay monogamous through the use of solo scenes. But as anyone who has ever engaged in such activities is aware, it sometimes leaves one wanting. And it can get expensive. And let's not forget to mention the guilt. I frequently felt like I was cheating. Part of me wanted to get caught, just to get us talking about what wasn't working and how we could fix it. Careful as I was with clean up, every once in a while a "prop" would get discovered, and it was back to the brooding, hurt feelings and mistrust. I just couldn't take it anymore.

A week prior to Valentines Day, I presented a very heartfelt letter to my queen. It had taken me two weeks and about six revisions before I felt it adequately expressed my feelings. She read it and cried. A lot. We talked. And cried some more, both of us this time. In all the talking there was no clue as to why the lack of inimacy or desire on her part. We agreed to get help. But she didn't want to attend counseling together. She said just her first, and if I was needed, then I would join her.

Therapy didn't start right away. There was a lull in her and my resolve. February came and went. Into March I decided I liked my frenum piercing so much I was going to get a P/A too. So I did. In March I also tried to let her know I was interested in chastity and D/s.

Ohhhhhh, it was a ham-handed attempt, I will admit. An utter failure. I thought that part of her apprehension at intimacy might be as a result of feeling out of control. She is a very dominant person in every area of her life, outside of the bedroom. I thought she would be a natural.

More to come...

 

hank you, Xcitex2 and BCC for the warm welcome.

So, there I was bungling my "outing" to my wife. I had given her the book Chastity: A Keyholder's Guide in an effort to better explain my attraction to the lifestyle. Her reaction was really not of disgust, or even shock. She calmly told me she appreciated my attempt to fix things, but this wasn't the answer...not now, at least. She also said she was unable to comply with my request. She didn't outright turn me down, and as far as I know she still has the book. What my attempt did do is get us back on track for therapy. Within the month she had made her first appointment.

The sessions have been going very well. What has come to light since March is my beautiful bride has been sufferring most of her life with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It's not just for war vetrans. Physically and emotionally traumatized by an abusive mother and an enabling father my beloved's condition manifests itself in an unwillingness to believe she deserves pleasure of any kind. She is basically devoid of joy. It's hard for her to accept affection and love. Any move in that direction on my part puts her into panic mode. The good news is at least now we know where to direct our efforts. I realize it will take time, perhaps years, and maybe never for chastity to play a role in our intimate relationship. But this fool in love believes her to be worth the wait, however long that is.

In the meantime, I cannot not be myself. That was the other part of the promise I made myself at the beginning of this year. I would begin to explore the less-than-vanilla side of my nature, mostly through reading. I have been doing plenty of that.

Some solo play is still going on. At the moment, I am waiting for my second Lori device to show up; a 12E.

 

Thanks for stopping by, Mistress Michelle with such a warm welcome. I do feel like I have found a wonderful place to share my preferences with like-minded people.

Xcitex2, thank you for your encouragement. Regarding the book and implementation of its techniques, I can hardly wait! But we have a long way to go. My wife had a session last night that was hell. She came home looking as if she had cried the entire time. It makes me feel so helpless. We had some really nice pillow talk last night. And she let me hold her. Neither of those things has happened in years. So, we are making some progress. I like the idea of having her do me a favor. In time, I will make that request.

The most difficult part of my solo journey, is not being able to share it with my soulmate. I have always tried to maintain a policy of "no secrets". If I should get to the end of my road first, I don't want her going through my effects and saying, "I never knew he was into that." If that happens I will have failed in my relationship. At the same time, I am hesitant to share what I am learning and enjoying for fear that it will make her feel bad and inadequate. I know the opportunity to talk about this with her in a relaxed way is just around the corner. Last night's pillow talk made that very apparent. Until then, this site is a real blessing.

 

Thank you bcc and Mistress Eva for your thoughtful and heartfelt input. This site and the people who participate are just amazing. bcc, I promise to keep you up to date on the 12E...perhaps even pictures. That would be another first for me. I don't even own a digital camera...yet.

Thought I'd do a little brain dump in my journal today. Things I have been reading about on the Mansion site have caused me to reflect on my journey in chastity to date. Felt it might be interesting to document my feelings on these topics at this stage and see what changes or stays the same over time.

Hagan, a new member, started a thread regarding chastity, sissification, and feminization, wondering if they were mutually exclusive or had to come as a package deal. I think everyone pretty much agreed they can be independant. My personal take on these issues is as follows:

Chastity - If you happened to catch my initial post to the Foyer then you already know my journey into chastity started at age 5. A make-shift device comprised of my underwear and favorite stuffed animal opened the door. I am as fascinated today as I was then, by the premise of not having access to my own body, particularly the most intimate of parts.

Sissification - Growing up, I was the army man, the jock, the Increadible Hulk, Evel Kneaval. I think you get the picture. For me, this would be an acting role deserving of an Oscar. I have always been very comfortable in my "maleness". But not that I haven't explored my "softer" side.

Feminization - This is an interesting topic for me. I have wrestled with one particular aspect of what is in the mainstream considered feminine, for years. I hate my body hair. It is safe to say, I cannot stand body hair on anyone. I think I may have been a dolphin in a former life. Have you ever seen a hairy porpoise? I would love to be totally hair-free. If I could afford it I would probably get full-body laser treatments and be done with it once and for all. As much as I tell myself it doesn't matter what any one else thinks I still worry about how others will react. Shaving/epilation initially was a very erotic experience for me. Not so much anymore. Now, I just like the look and feel it provides. My wife is not a huge fan of it. Another source of angst. She feels men should have body hair. I hope she changes her mind over time.
Other aspects ie panties, nylons, heels, make-up, dresses, strap-on sex, etc might be fun as a method of enforcing her dominance. She'd better be careful what she wishes for, though. One time when she wasn't home I tried on one of her lycra skating practice dresses and some tights. Once I had tucked away the naughty bits I must admit, I looked damn good as a girl!!! From the neck down anyway. LOL

Humiliation - Not for me, thank you. I would endure a mild doses of it, to be sure. Especially in the safe confines of a play session. But I wouldn't seek it out myself.

Cuckolding - I must admit, this can be a very hot fantasy. I have spent many hours over the years wondering if I could I pull it off in real life. I'd like to think I could. I love my wife. I do not own her. I am lucky and honored she has chosen to spend her life with me. (Please bear in mind, I believe feelings of unconditional love and respect need to be mutual if it were to ever work). So, if one day she came to me and said she couldn't be fulfilled any other way, I'd like to think I'd be man enough to "set her free" in a sexual sense. Would never really know until I got to that bridge, however. I liked Spiraled1's thread on Safe Cuckolding. Some hot fun, to be sure. But that is a long way off for us.

Lastly, D/s - This is probably the aspect of a chastity lifestyle I most look forward to. Particularly from a service oriented POV. If you haven't read Uniquely Rika and are at all interested in D/s, I highly recommend it. I think Ms. Rika may be a clinical psychologist. If not, she is definitely a student of bahavioral psychology. The book spells out all sorts of devious ways a Dom can torment, I mean "treat" her/his sub. My wife has her bachelors in psychology. We took a behavioral psych course together in college...it's my minor. Even knowing all the mechanics, I cannot wait for the day they are used on/against me. OMG, what a key holder she will make!!! Thankfully, the 12E hasn't arrived. This may have been a very difficult paragraph to type.

Until next time, many happy teasings and denials.

 

Mistress Watchful, thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read my journal. You are certainly welcome for the input. Believe me, it is helping me as much or more than it is possibly helping other people. Have been doing a lot of reading of older threads here at the Mansion. It's great to follow other people's journeys via the Vault and the other forums. If only I had more time.

Hope this note finds you happy and healthy as we get ready to dive into the holiday season once again. Every year at Christmas, usually on the day, I get sick... a nasty cold. I am healthy all year and then, BAM!, down for the count. Last year I told my family I loved them all but they make me sick. (My nuclear family ie wife and daughter excluded). I wasn't kidding. Cannot stand the stress and trying to navigate the dysfunctional waters known as "family Christmas". And ours isn't even that dysfunctional, LOL. I am hoping that my admission last year will allow me to approach this year in a different frame of mind. Who knows, I may even make it through without that damn cold!

I am getting really excited. My 12E should be ready any day now. I feel like I have been saying that for weeks. At last contact with Ms. Lori there were seven devices ahead of mine. 12 devices later and I feel mine will be ready any day now...Oh wait, did I already say that? Regardless, I am on pins and needles waiting for it, getting more giddy by the day.

 

How time flys!

Wow! Into the second month of 2009, already. How does this happen?

The holidays were a whirlwind of activity, filled with a lot of joy. I really enjoyed my downtime...particularly this year. With the down-turned economy, gifts really played a secondary role in our holiday celebrations. To my family's chagrine, I have been pushing for that for years. The focus was much more on enjoying each other's company and I was in heaven.

All too soon the holidays were over and back to work. Thank God for a job. At least for now, anyway. A week and a half ago, my deparment lost another 10% headcount (seven great people)to the recession. I try to stay positive, in light of these quarterly reductions. This site provides a bit of a distraction. And that is always welcome.

Wish I had some great news or hot story to share. Truth is, I am a bit disenchanted with my own chaste journey. Wrote a review of the 12E Lori's device I purchased. I am utterly disappointed with the side-effects I experience with the testicle trapping designs which proliferate the market. I am very tempted to start saving my pennies (and I'll need a lot of them) for a Neosteel Masterpiece Hip Belt and Arch System. I must admit, Gweny nearly has me sold! But for now, I have no play partner, so the allure is very minimal.

On the upside, I am very happy with my personal growth in other areas of my life. Mike CB's self-imposed chastity goal of five months, desire to learn to weld and build his own device inspired me to set a lofty goal for myself this year: Mastering money. "What does that have to do with chastity?", you ask. Well, nothing and maybe everything. It's the ONE area in my life making a very negative impact in every other area. I have avoided money like the plague for as long as I can remember. However, I realize I can no longer afford to ignore my dysfunctional relationship with money. It's a sobering reality at age 42, with 19 years in the work force, how little I have to show for all my effort. I have no one to blame but myself. Despite the poor economy, and a mountain of debt, I am determined to face my demon$ and come to peace with "all things money".

I am very optimistic about this coming year. So far, I have already knocked a bunch of things off of this year's To Do list, and continue to make great progress. Hopefully, my next entry will have some spicier, more chastity related content.

 

Something Funny Happened On The Way To My Workshop

Hello journal and anyone reading it.

It's funny how things in life unfold rather unexpectedly. Just the other day I was cleaning out a drawer where I had thrown my Lori's 12E about 7 months ago. No. It hasn't seen much use after the dozen or so disappointing attempts to "break myself in" with it. The head ring was made too small. After wearing it for a few hours edema sets in and off it comes. Not to mention, the device is so damn heavy. Why not send it back for a refit? Tired of waiting and dreading another disappointment.

When I happened across the 12E I decided to contact Ms. Lori and see if I could sell it on consignment. Over the past half year there has been no chastity in my life save for occassionally logging into the Mansion to see what's new. In fact, I was pretty much ready to give up on chastity entirely. I found myself asking questions like. "What's wrong with you? Why do you find the idea chastity interesting at all?"

I cannot answer that last question and probably never will. I just do. What I didn't expect was my reaction a day after I contacted Ms. Lori. Not only did I not want to give up on my dream of experiencing a truly secure chastity device, I decided I would just fix the 12E myself. I am a skilled artisan with the equipment required, save for a welder that will handle heavy stainless steel. All that was missing was the desire to give chastity another shot. And here it was.

So, down to the workshop I went. I started by sharpening up the spikes in the hood, which I felt were much too dull. (Yeah, Mike CB, I thought about you: CM's self-described resident painslut while tackling that task). Next I went after the head ring and increased its diameter by 1/8 inch. Lastly, I bored out the A-ring opening to accept a butterfly device of sorts which was to be made out of polycarbonate. The device was for anti-pop out. Afterall, the A-ring is designed to take weight off the piercing. And let's face facts, with a Lori device no one really wants that much weight on his piercing! Hit a road block with the polycarb though. No one sells the tubing in anything smaller than 8 foot sections. I need about one inch. Don't really want to pay $40 for 95 inches of polycarb I will never use. But that really doesn't matter anymore. Let me explain...

After all the burrs were cleaned up and the stainless steel was polished back to a mirror finish, I decided to take my modified 12E for a test drive. I put it on shortly before bed. So far so good. After about 30 minutes had a pop-out. But that was to be expected. Popped back in and shortly thereafter went to bed. Woke up a few times during the night with no excessive swelling or edema. Alright! This is what I was hoping for.

Enter 3:00 AM. This must be when my hormones kick in. 'Cause the swelling was unmistakable. And it wouldn't subside. Ultimately, the device had to come off. Bummer. Oh yeah, and my lower back was killing me. That is a known side-effect of the captured-ball devices on me. Has happened with all of them I have tried.

So, have I been deterred in my quest. Honestly, no. I have decided I cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. The Lori device is not for me. I will salvage some parts from it (security screws and wrench) for use on my homemade device. DollyAnn is going to love the prototype. I am using hot pink polycarbonate from an old scuba diving flashlight I had in the scrap bin. The device will be similar in nature to the PA 5000. The best part is, this project is totally in keeping with my new year's goal of spending less money. Hopefully, I will have a digital camera by the time the project is complete, so I can post pictures.

And here I was ready to throw in the towel.

Good night, all.

 

Quick Progress Update...

After creating an initial set of working drawings, I set to work on making a special tapered mandrel to hold the plastic tubing. Holding the work securely is always the most difficult part of an machining job. Mission accomplished. With the mandrel done I was able to dimension the tube to length and turn part of the outside to its final dimension. Cost $0

I then modified a PA ring by silver soldering the remaining ball to the ring. Still makes me cringe a bit thinking about the losing the other ball - quick aside - Was at work walking down the hall when I felt something sliding down my pant leg. "OMG!!!", I thought, "It's my PA ring!" As luck would have it, it fell into my shoe. Unfortunately, the ball did not. Oh well, it's been put to good use. The silver soldering was a new experience for me. Read all I could find on silver soldering stainless steel. Couple of tips for anyone wanting to try this: metal must be very clean, use Handy Flux 1B (doesn't burn up), use MAPP gas torch or hotter burning gases (takes a lot of heat before the solder will flow onto the stainless. Had the ring and ball orance-white). Once soldered in place I made a fixture to hold the ring so could file opposing sides of the ball flat (don't want it to turn in the final product). Cost $0

Created a fixture for holding the mandrel for laying out openings on the sides of the device (see PA5000 pics elsewhere on this site for an idea of what I am mimicking). Cost $0

Ordered some machining accessories for next phases of construction. Didn't mind spending a bit of hobby money here, as I have three totally chastity unrelated projects requiring the same accessories in the cue. Cost $73.72

Rough cut the pieces for the locking mechanism. Looking forward to this part of the project! It will be a challenging task on the mill, but it will be worth the effort. And I get to finally use the miniature boring head I made a few months back.
The lock will employ Ms. Lori's special flush mounted locking screw. But as an added security feature the screw will be covered by one of those serial numbered little plastic locks that come with the CBxxxx range (at least that is how Xtreme Restraints packages the kit). Talk about tamper proof. Hope to get to this part of the project this coming weekend.

Back to the shop.

 

Me Too!

Mistress Watchful,

I know exactly what you mean, and agree entirely. I am the son of a gifted fabricator, even though that wasn't his profession; and the grandson of an increadibly talented machinist/draftsman.

I myself, am a professional model maker. We just can't help but be intrigued by the creative process.

Thanks for stopping by.

 

Homemade MCD Complete

Stealth, thanks for the web link on the vacuum former. I will keep it book marked should I need to make a larger version in the future.

Well, the MCD is done. I even took pictures of it with my brothers digital camera. I tried to post them, but it is taking so long I think the computer is timing out. The camera is a high end professional rig and I have no idea how to shrink the file size down. Currently pictures are all about 2.5 MB in size and 3000 x 2000 pixels. I know this site is supposed to resize them automatically but it's taking forever. I think I will have to reshoot the pictures with less resolution. I have no manual for the camera. I have no software on this Mac to resize the images, none that I can find anyway. I have never thought of myself as technilogically challenged, but I feel myself falling victim to the avelanche. Unfortunately, I am out of time for this project and must be moving on to more pressing issues. Where is IT when you need them?

As for the device itself, I was very pleased with the outcome. Here is a quick run down.

Pros: Quite comfortable straight away, even during night time arousal. No pulling on the "boys". No need to resize my piercing. Very light weight, easy to assemble, one piece body (no splitting problems like the CBxxxx series seem to be plagued with), corrosion proof security screw, and a secondary locking system. Did I mention it comes in hot pink? And let's not forget, aside from my time, it was basically free. My favorite part about this project was engineering the locking mechanism to hold the plastic lock in a horizontal position parallel to the body of the device. The plastic lock completely obscures the security screw head, preventing any sort of tampering. It was at once challenging and very rewarding.

Cons: The tube is not tight enough to prevent ejaculation. We have this very powerful vibrator that serves as the "acid test" for my chastity devices. This was a major bummer. And quite frankly, I don't know how it can be gotten around. If I make the body tube any smaller, I am quite certain there will be an edema issue. As it was the head was always a bit swollen, despite movement, cold water, icing. I think part of the problem, at least for me, might be this style device allows the penile shaft to remain quite straight. The Lori's 12E was no tighter, but because it held the shaft bent down ejaculation was not possible. I hate to say it, but the reality may be a full-blown belt system. A Neosteel Arch, perhaps? That, however, will have to wait. For a while, chastity must take a back burner. The holidays are quickly approaching and I am already behind.

In all, this was a great project and I learned a lot. Too bad it didn't work out. I was looking forward to trying to re-make this device in titanium. So it goes.

If anyone has any ideas on resizing the photos without it taking a lot of time or needing special software, I am all ears.