Part 2 ~ The Reluctant Dominatrix

I just can't be lazy!

Dominatrix Feelings: 25% ~~ Horniness Feelings: 30% :squigglemouth:


I'm no good without structure. I can feel myself sliding down this slippery slope of despair.

I get into this terrible vicious circle where nothing is getting done around the house and it really is a pigsty, so bad I won't invite anyone over. So why doesn't pet do his duty and help out? 1) because I can't provide the necessary training in housework and 2) because no-one can do it as perfect as me. So why am I not doing anything if I can't be lazy? 1) because I don't *have* to do it, no-one has scheduled me in for it and no-one cares if it's done or not (except me) and 2) surely it isn't MY job, it's pet's job!

I cast my mind back to October last year. pet had depression and couldn't function so we sent him back to his mother's house and he stayed there for 8 weeks (I say he left me, he says I threw him out... the compromise is we sent him there!) During those 8 weeks I was a single mother of 4, one of them being a 5 month old baby, I had also embarked on my final year at University. Did I fall apart? On the contrary... I was super-mum. I did it all and more, the house was tidy, I lost nearly 2 stone of baby-weight, I was (almost!) on top of my University work, I was completely in CONTROL!

I'm not quite sure where to start digging myself out of this hole! I feel these days that it's just me, baby and a huge messy house. How can I feel Dominant when this life is leaving me feeling so impotent and apathetic?

If you look back at the days so far when my D-Factor is high, and my H-Factor is mid to high, you will notice I have had very busy days... I've been in control of my life, doing chores, travelling out with baby...

I just don't think I'm destined to be a Domme that can sit around and enjoy the life of luxury, and I need to fit that into this lifestyle that I want to live.

Now... I'm off to get my nails done, I'm sure the girl in the salon has the answers to life, the Universe and everything... they normally do!

 

My D/H Factors have been all over the place today!

This morning they were down. Then we chatted a little about cuckolding and they started to really rise. Then when we were at lunch we got into a really deep discussion about involving other people and they shot pretty much off the chart.

We were talking about 3somes in general and how I used to love being with another girl, and how with pet locked up I would feel more at ease in a FFM 3some if he was locked... and he started to talk about fingering another girl's pussy and I swear I thought I was going to cum in my seat!

We talked a lot about cuckolding and what I would expect him to do or not do, and what sort of relationship I was looking for with the 3rd party. It was a pretty hot conversation but also a sensible one... we covered a lot of things that needed to be said.

It's on the back boiler but is definately a maybe for the future!

I'm still dripping wet and in desperate need of a pussy licking....

 

Dominatrix Feelings: 80% :tongue: ~~ Horniness: 75% :tongue:

Hehe... that'll teach you!

I hate not being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. :sad: Having to wait for the children to go to bed last night was horrible... and it puts that pressure back on, if the mood drifts, I feel like I've lost out.

We lay there in bed watching a film (Ferris Bueller's day off... I remember that being much better than it was... I'm getting old!) and pet decided to reignite the cuckolding conversation, which had the desired effect.

In my head I wanted to hood him, tie him up and sit on his face for a nice long pussy licking, but he'd cuddled up to me and slipped his fingers down and started stroking my clit so wonderfully... I kept meaning to stop and change position or send him down for that licking, but the fingering was just so delicious I couldn't stop him.

He's always been good at that. Right from the first time we fumbled around in his car. Whether or not it was the chemistry, or he is just naturally instinctive, I don't know... it wasn't through experience or practice, but that's another story!

I came hard, but in a more intimate, powerful way than a lusty, fuck-me way, which left me in one of those strange in-between places. I was nicely sleepy but felt like maybe I could do with something else...

As a result I let pet fuck me. I'm so weak at these moments, but I love being fucked, and I was being a little bit lazy! I teased him about making him clear up his mess and he said I wouldn't have the guts to make him do it.

He asked me who I was thinking about whilst fucking me, and I think he was a little disappointed when I said it was him... Lol. Well it was the truth, I was in my intimate safe place, and I'd missed him (it felt like it had been forever since we last fucked!) so I asked who he was thinking about. He answer me (fortunately!) but said he was also thinking about the hood.

We usually keep the hood under my pillow, but it hasn't been there for a while. It wasn't properly tidied up after the last play-time. Fortunately I'd remember earlier and put it back under my pillow because I knew I was horny.

I pulled it out and saw a "where the hell did that come from" look on pet's face, and forced it (!?) on. Needless to say he came very quickly after that.

I did contemplate tying him up and forcing him to lick his cum... but it wasn't the right time for me, so he had a lucky escape. It's one of those things I want to wait until he's locked up, I don't know why!

So, what do we have this morning? Mr Whingey Sub.

I must remember what he's like after he's had sex. This could last a couple of days now. Is it really worth letting him cum at all?!

 

Grrrr...

I hate rushing journal posts, but we have a hugely hectic day today. Baby is now 1 year old, and today we are celebrating with family and friends...

Anyway, update!

Dominatrix Feelings: 95% :tongue: ~~ Horniness: 98% :tongue:
(I just can't bring myself to type 100% lol)

After yesterday's trauma I was tempted to do what I usually do... pout about for a while, say I want to go back to vanilla and just forget about it all.

But I didn't. I woke up horny and decided that now was the best time to reassert my position... I demanded pet to give my pussy a licking to help wake me up.

He tried to cuddle me and fuck me instead (bless) but I stuck to my ground, I knew what I wanted!

pet was NOT putting in enough effort. He is awesome at pussy worship, but you can tell when he's not in the right frame of mind. I pulled him up for a chat and told him to get himself in the right frame of mind... I wasn't happy!

So he tried again to slip his cock inside me (points for persistence!) and I let him slip in for a little while and fuck away for a few moments... of course this brought him close fairly quickly after yesterday's denial, so i told him he'd better get back to his duties before he came.

True to his usual form I had a wonderfully explosive orgasm, I love it when he fingers my g-spot whilst licking my clit, it just makes waves of pleasure... scrummy... getting horny again, that's no help!

I did let him fuck me afterwards, but I got the sense it wasn't quite as powerful as he hoped for... I must remember not to give in so easily and make him work much harder before letting him cum.

I decided that I really *did* need to make my rightful place known and told him to go and clean up. He hates cum (hehehehehe) and moaned away, so I told him either he went down "voluntarily" or I would tie him up and sit on his face until I was completely clean. A few grumbles later and he did as he was told... good little pet!

So I'm a very happy Mistress today. Horny as hell and desperate for more playtime!

 

Quick Blog!

Dominatrix Feelings: 70% ~~ Horniness Feelings: 70%

Yesterday was hectic and I'm paying for it today! Apparently wandering around with a 1-year-old on my hip whilst wearing heels is not good for my back!

Fell straight asleep during the voting of the Eurovision Song Contest (we love it!) and pet admitted he was quite relieved when I did. Lol.

 

Ouch!

Dominatrix Feelings: 80% :tongue: ~~ Horniness: 50% :squigglemouth:

Actually I do feel quite horny, but I'm no position to do anything about it! Why? I'm in pain!

I think maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis, or I'm bored now I've finished Uni... or something!

In my search for the me I want to be (slimmer, fitter, sexier...) I decided to join a dance class. An Urban Street Dance Class to be exact!

I used to dance pre-children. I loved it, and now my girls are being taught by the girl I used to learn with, I realised how much I missed it. I've been looking for an adult dance class for a while and noticed this class advertised when I took baby swimming... So I decided to go for it!

I had a few problems. I was terrified of wearing the wrong thing, being the oldest, and not being able to dance any more!

I turned up, paid and stood quietly out of the way. I was the oldest, by about 15 years! At least my outfit was ok. I figured I was here now, so I may as well get on with it, how hard can it be!

VERY HARD!!!!

OMG, being taught the end dance routine to Usher's "Love in this club" (go and YouTube it!) in ONE HOUR damn near killed me. It looks so easy...it's not!

I was very proud of myself though. I struggled a little remembering some of the more complicated fast steps, but the teacher uploads the break-downs of the routines to his Facebook, so I'm going to keep refreshing and reminding myself.

It was a heck of a work-out, and I will be going back.

I'll be a yummy mummy in 6 months!!! (I can dream! :angel

 

Thanks A&B, I got your email from the other site, but it was difficult to reply.

My intended exercise routine is regular pilates (I have one of their wonderful machines which I am addicted to) and gentle walking on my treadmill (yes I'm spoiled!) coupled with the fun and frantic dance class.

But you're right... try that with 4 kids!

I'm not properly blogging right now because I'm so tired and achey. I jumped up when the doorbell rang early this morning (is it the device?!) but no.... it was a pushchair. A pretty pink pushchair with roses on which would usually make me smile, but I was just hoping it might be something else!

 

Vent...

Vent and whinge time, just ignore me, I'll be fine later.

Dominatrix Feelings: Yeah right! ~~ Horniness: You've got to be kidding me!

House is a mess, more than a mess... stuff EVERYWHERE! Yes, I know I have 4 kids, but that's no excuse.

I'm done with Uni, I'm now a full-time stay-at-home mother with nothing better to do.

I'm basically a lazy slob who needs to pull her act together.

No, pet doesn't do anything because I'm a control freak and no-one can do it as perfect as me!

I'd have a vodka, but it's 11 am and I have places to drive today.

I'm pissed off, miserable, overweight, overindulged, spoiled, lost, blah....

Maybe it's hormones. I hate hormones.

I hate feeling out of control. Grrrrr....

 

Still feeling crap...

Can't be bothered to diet, exercise, do housework, do anything...

I hate it when I get all blah like this. Not sure if I'm tired, or overdid the dieting.

I read a lot of Maria's Diary. That woman is awesome!

I can't decide how I feel about her though. Part of me is jealous, and another part of me is unsure.

I remember the times when I could have had sex alllll dayyyy longgg! But now I just don't think I could.

Mainly because of guilt! If I had her life I think I'd feel constantly guilty, or like some sort of prostitute.

I admire her for doing what she loves and doing it day in, day out.

Definately an inspiration.

 

Odd Dreams!

Strange dreams last night. Theres obviously more going on in my head that I realised, I appear to be missing things and worrying about things that I wasnt recognising.

The first dream was wonderful. I cant remember where we were but I was there, my old boy-next-door- from school was there and another girl was there. The boy was the first boy I ever had a crush on, I thought he was amazing.

All that I remember in the dream was him asking me if Id like to go out tonight. Thats it. The other girl was jealous, but not overly, no hatred or anything, and I was completely overwhelmed. I remember waking up and thinking I was so happy and hoped when I fell back to sleep I would return to the same dream.

The second dream was equally short. I remember standing in a doorway, watching what was going on within (classroom I think, but they were watching TV) my husband was stood next to me, leaning against the door, holding a positive pregnancy test. I remember asking if it was positive, being told yes, and happily rubbing my tummy.

The third dream involved my old workplace. I worked there as a secretary when I was 17 and left when I was 22 to have my first child. I have recurring dreams about the place alllll the time! Again a short dream. I was in reception, I made a mess of accepting a visitor, but managed to recover. Odd.

I think thats it!

So my analysis!

Dream 1
I actually realised Ive never dated. My first boyfriend was a friend of friends. We met in a nightclub when we all went out together and he never left my side. Visited me at my parents house every day until we moved in together. He was violent, and eventually, after years of being beaten on a daily basis I left him for my husband to be. I met my husband at the work place mentioned above. We never went out as such. I moved back to my parents to escape the first guy, but was obviously in the way, so I moved in with husband to be in a very short space of time. Theres never been anyone to ask me out on a date, or send me flowers, or woo me!

Dream 2
I want another baby. pet does not (at this time) I was going through a phase of saying I miss my bump every time I saw a pregnant woman. I have managed not to mention this for about a week and the repression is coming out in my dreams. No idea why this one involved hubby though!

Dream 3
I miss working. I want to be a PA. Im scared Ill mess it up.

Busy night time for me, and Im so tired this morning.
Ive been terribly miserable the past couple of days and poor pet has put up with it. I need to make the effort to cheer up today.

 

Dominatrix Feelings: 20% ~~ Horniness: 30%

Thank you to the person who analysed my dreams for me in private message... I appreciate it, and replied to you. :angel:

My brother and girlfriend are coming over tonight, they're fun. We don't have people over often, and I'm always moaning about it... I do wish I had more friends that were like us. I mean couples with nice kids, not kinky!

I don't make friends easily, and my *best* friends disappeared for various reasons. One moved far far away to escape her husband (who happened to be my violent ex....hmmm, long story!), one moved away, nearer, but too far to remain good friends... I *adored* her. She would understand all this. My latest NBF is no longer an option for a lot of reasons. Her boyfriend is a vulgar, nasty man, and I hate him. I used to be able to ignore his nasty comments and see my friend, but pet and him clash like you wouldn't believe... also they drink *a lot* and I used to as well, but now I don't and it makes me nervous around baby. They also smoke masses, again, nervous around baby. And finally they have the worst behaved staffordshire bull terrier on the planet, their garden is full of dog crap and that dingo ain't going nowhere near my baby!

So that's why I don't have friends. I'm a fussy cow and probably don't deserve them!

Hell I ramble sometimes.

pet is still in bed. I didn't see him come to bed because I was fast asleep and he was sorting out the chatroom. Hmmm, I hope that doesn't end in disaster!

My Lori tube might arrive today, or it might not be here until next week. I hope my attitude changes before it arrives... and I hope pet's does too! Lol.

 

Odd day yesterday. We had some sad news not long after I posted and pet has been very quiet and reflective since. :sad:

I asked if he wanted me to put off my brother, but he said he'd been looking forward to it and just wanted to get on with things.

He seems ok. Up and down moments.

Probably going to be a quiet day in the house today. :sad:

 

Thank you dollyanne, that is a great sentiment. :angel:

 

So...

Yesterday I placed two orders on the internet for kinky goods that I couldn't wait to get my hands on...

...today I just want to curl up and hide in a hole somewhere.

I know we all go through periods of doubt about things in our life. But I feel like a complete fake.

Part of me feels like I need to be in control, but I'm so bad at it. Since beginning to diet 5 weeks ago I've gained more than I've lost. If I can't even control what I eat, how can I have any control over my life, let alone pet's life.

I also feel like everything is riding on the Lori device turning up. pet keeps promising it will make him behave, and maybe it will... but what about me? It won't magically turn me into a fantasy Dominatrix.

This too shall pass, I hope.

 

Calmed down a bit now.

The parcel arrived this morning and the contents made me smile.

Normal day otherwise, went to Tescos, took baby swimming, off to Weight Watchers tonight (so far I've GAINED about 6 lbs)

Bit worried as to where our Lori device is. I can't see why it's taking over 2 weeks. It can't be in the UK yet, or stuck in customs because we would know.

 

Oh shit...

I thought all this through all night, I have already written the post. I come here to post the fucking thing and I see "Isn't Ms Watchful Beautiful" and "Journal in Ms Watchful's Honour" and a wonderful pm from a wonderful man and I just hate myself for being such a fake. (Crying all over my freaking laptop now.)

Here's the post I wrote... and I'm really sorry.

I have a terrible feeling this is all going to come over as a bit dramatic.
I’ve been running things through my head most of the night, with spells of restless sleep, but I think it might be time to admit defeat.
I don’t think this is me and I don’t think I can do it. (yet?)
A couple of things have started this train of thought.
1) My house is a complete shit-tip, it is a hell hole of chaos and it’s not getting any better. It needs a full-time, coherent, stay-at-home mum to nurture it back to health. I resist doing housework, not because I hate it, but because I have felt for a while that I *shouldn’t* be doing it because it wasn’t particularly *Domme*. Pet should be doing it, and he isn’t. Partly because I haven’t trained him and partly because it just isn’t his thing.
2) I wanted (needed?) to be intimate with pet last night. I really needed to snuggle up and let him seduce me into having sex with him. As usual, I felt this wasn’t the *Domme* thing. So I went to sleep feeling very lonely.
3) When I woke up to baby this morning, I realised that pet rarely gets up before me. Throughout my marriage my husband always got up first and brought me a cup of coffee…(don’t get me wrong, I don’t want hubby back.)
Actually there’s another thought. I am going to a solicitor today on a fact-finding mission for our divorce.
Odd thing our relationship, and sometimes I wonder if we wouldn’t have been better staying together and just having relationships with other people. We are still very best friends and talk quite a few times via email during the week. I have told him what divorce settlement I want, and he’s fine with it… its very generous. I don’t expect him to put up a fight to anything I ask for.
Ramble, ramble…
My gut feeling is that pet wants kinky sex, with lots of bondage and face-sitting. I also think he wants to run around in a dress every so often and do a bit of dusting.
He is not “born to serve”, no matter how much he adores me, I don’t think it’s there, and I don’t want to force him to change.
I loved the kinky, rampant, sex-mad toyboy I had when we first got together, and we now have a baby of our own, 3 ready-made kids, and a big house to run. I have a career path to follow (which one, I’m not sure!) and I think I can have it all, with the exception of the life of a Dominatrix.
You all know me. Maybe I’m having a flipout reaction to the solicitor’s trip today. Maybe not. Maybe I just woke up and smelled the coffee (that I came and made myself!)

I'm not going to re-read it for spellings, etc, because I know I'll bottle out of posting it.

 

Duh @ me!

I don't know why I take this all so seriously sometimes. Looking back I see that all the important elements were lost completely in my quest to be the perfect Domme! The fun, the love, the intimacy, the imagination, pleasing pet... and pleasing myself!

pet and I have had a fair few conversations over the last day or so, and what he really misses is the relaxed me, who is constantly horny and actually quite silly!

I constantly go over the fact that people shouldn't be put in boxes... and reading all those bloody book I own doesn't help me much!

People actually seem to like me as *me*... and this was brought up to me in a reply to a desperate email I sent to a dear friend who I trust more than myself.

She is incredibly knowledgeable, beautiful, and very level headed! She basically slapped me upside the head (I'd have been a lot happier if she'd disciplined me properly, in person! :xd and said that no-one is 24/7, it can't be done, and actually it would be quite boring.

She talks so much sense it hurts!

Also... I got many private messages. You all care about me *WAY* too much! But thank you. Everyone who messaged me pretty much had the same line of thinking... step back, take a breath, smell the roses, enjoy the moment, quit trying for perfection!

pet and I have a long future together, of that I'm sure, so what's the hurry to go more towards 24/7?

Relaxed is much hornier than stressed.

The sun is out today, and I REALLY fancy a margarita!

I'm off to the salon this afternoon, and that will help too. It should be a good day today!