Mistress Michelle from beginning to end

I am not sure how or where to start this but I have some things that need to be said and I think beginning at the beginning may help Me to be able to move forward.

First....if youre reading this because you think theres going to be some good wanking material in it then you can move on because its far from that! And I wont be saying all I have to say in one post, it'll take a bit thats why I chose to put this in a journel instead of somewhere else.

Many of you know Me, I have many friends here that I have accumulated through the years, many of us have been together in person and enjoyed having fun together, many I know from spending time online together. Everyone that knows Me knows I cant just 'play' This lifestyle is real to Me and I have always put 110% into every relationship I have had. Whether its with a sub or a sissy, a Mistress or a slave, I pour My heart into each and every one and I have been hurt, I dont mean hurt in the way of gee...that didnt go as well as I expected. I mean HURT, emotionally broken.

My husband introduced Me to this lifestyle on Chastity Lifestyle years ago. I got into it, met people, learned things and grew more and more addicted to the Lifestyle and the people I came in contact with. I have met so many awesome friends during this time, friends that will always remain friends no matter what. It all started out innocently enough, meet some online people, have some fun, play around a bit...wheres the harm in that? But it didnt stop there. I never dreamed then, in the beginning that I would actually meet any of these people. It was all for fun. But I learned more, I liked the attention, I fell into the role as Mistress Michelle and it took off. More and more confident and stronger I moved on to not only having one slave online but to wanting more and more. susie came along and wanted to meet in person so after chatting with her for 2 years we did stop and meet her. Then it was meeting more and more people, the Gathering was My idea to get people together and it worked out, have had 3 of them and each year it got bigger and bigger. I met My little pet right before the second Gathering, we hit it off immediatly and became quite the pair. All the time getting deeper and deeper into this Mistress persona and getting more and more involved with My 'circle' of subs and sissys. Almost 2 years ago susie brought rachel down here for a visit, susie was coming anyway and rachel had always wanted to meet Me but was afraid to come alone so she came with susie. There was just something about that girl, from the moment I met her I wanted her for My very own. Rachel was married....so was little pet, so I figured ( idiot that I am ) that I was doing them a service, helping them enjoy thier fantasys without hurting anyone. Afterall, I am married, My husband is ok with all this so what could it hurt?

 

I am doing this in sections because I am afraid the site will time Me out and I will loose My post

So...where was I...What could it hurt, we are all adults here. I am not doing anything but enjoying Myself and spreading some Mistress cheer. Or thats what I thought anyway. So, time goes on, more and more visits, susie, little pet, rachel, then bert from Holland, cks came down, jenny, tom, lynn, missy.....some I got more and more attached to. First little pet, we were about as close as a Mistress and slave could get, we crossed the line ( YES theres a fucking line but no one ever told Me about it ) untill it was too late. Everytime we were together it got deeper and deeper, I knew what he was thinking, I could read him, I could push him right to the limit and knew when to stop, we had so much fun and grew closer and closer. I loved being important to him, I loved the feeling it gave Me to be so empowering, so what, I was enjoying Myself and My power. The second Gathering we became even closer, and when the Gathering was over, well, its the last time I saw him. We have chatted alot since then and the pain has healed now. I still miss the rush from the excitement that I had with him, but I can talk to him now and call him a very dear friend. But....I didnt learn from that experience. You would think that I would have given the pain that it all caused me but I didnt. I put My husband through alot for quite a while after that. I mean really....how do I justify crying My eyes out over another man on My husbands shoulder? But he held me as I cried and I eventually got over the everyday pain. I do remember and sometimes wish for a chance to have little pet back over My bench again, if it ever does happen, I will be better equiped to handle it.

 

So, as I sat here crying My eyes out watching My relationship as little pets Mistress fall apart, rachel happened to be here visiting for a week. Rachel stood by Me, conforted Me and gave Me the strength to move on.
As the months went on it soon became apparent that everyone was wanting another Gathering. There was no way I was going to try to do that without My little pet. I just kept thinking....what the hell will everyone think if I dont have My slave, how can I 'perform' without him? Many of you know that My husband has had an illness that came about in the middle of all this and that he couldnt 'play' in a Gathering setting, so I felt like I NEEDED My little pet, without him there how would I manage? But rachel sat at My feet one night and said...Mistress, i cant do or take what little pet could, but i will do my sissy best to make sure You shine.
I told her I didnt think I could do it, but she assured me that everything would be ok, and it was. With rachel by My side and missy came down, susie was there, everything was ok. None of you know this but rachel but when I was in My room getting ready for the Saturday Night playtime I was having a real hard time opening the door, I stood there and thought....and then I texted little pet and told him Its Showtime, so he would know to be thinking of Me as if that would make Me stronger. Afterall...I was Mistress Michelle, I had to put on a big show! I had to make it appear as if I was stronger than ever, I had a reputation to uphold. And all the time I kept looking over My shoulder to make sure My husband was ok, and to make sure My angel was ok. My angel...rachel, the one that lifted Me up and called Me her Magical Mistress. And she pulled it off, being stronger than I have ever seen her, cooking and cleaning, waiting on Me and doing everything a good sissy should.
After the Gathering in November Rick and I went up to missys to visit and rachel came down to be there too, it was like our little Christmas together, was alot of fun but kinda left Me empty when I left because at the time I didnt know when I would see missy or rachel again. Turned out I havent seen missy since, we've chatted but she disappeared on me for a month and I knew. I knew she was shutting down, backing away from Me. That hurt, I just kept thinking, why dosent she tell Me whats wrong, why cant she come and tell Me? I was so concerned for her feelings and now looking back I wonder why I wasent concerned for My own. I know now what happened, the same thing that happend with My cks, with My little pet, now missy. Getting too close, things are getting too 'REAL' so lets back off. Vanilla life again...always gets in the way. susie has her own issues she has to deal with, she cant visit as often as she would like but she remains a true and dedicated friend no matter what. So, I have susie and rachel, alls still ok. Plus a few online girls that I stay in contact with. Afterall....I only spend My time with the ones that actually get to know Me and I have a connection with, I dont and never have spent time with someone just for the sake of playing, or to see how many keys I can collect, I genuinly love and care for each and everyone of My girls. Thats right...I CARE FOR THEM! I am a real person with real emotional attachments to each of them, to all My friends. I dont know how to not be the way I am.

 

To be continued tomorrow

 

Ok, so Christmas was over and rachel and I became closer and closer, we chatted every single morning, during the day and every evening. I always knew where she was, what she was doing and what time she would be back online. I adored her and I wanted to have her. rachel was misurable, she couldnt be who she was, her wife hated rachel and still does by the way, and all I could see was My angels sadness.
While all this was going on a very dear friend of Mine came across cynthia, a girl that wanted to be a maid and transgender into femalehood ( I know that sounded funny) Anyway, they worked it out through months and months of hard work on both ends and eventually cynthia moved in with them after a trial period. They are all still together and couldnt be happier. Anyway, I thought....how perfect would that be, if My rachel would come here, she could be happy, I would be estactic, I would have My angel and My life would be so much easier. So, we started talking about it, things were getting worse and worse for rachel there and we eventually decided that she should come here. I knew it would be hard for her, I was prepared for that but I didnt listen to the hidden messages in rachels words. I was so awe struck that I would actually have My very own sissy maid here with Me full time that I failed to hear the warning signs. I just kept thinking rachel loves Me, she would never hurt Me. I have known rachel for all this time, I know her inside and out, shes been here lots and lots of times, she knows Rick, she adores her Mistress, what the hell could go wrong? ALOT thats what! Rick and rachel did not mesh well, arguments putting Me in the middle between the sissy I adore and My husband, rachel feeling left out, Rick feeling left out, and I am sitting back thinking...Wait a fucking minute here, shes here to please Me, rachel calm down, Rick chill! Everything settled then it was right back again, Rick taking offense to something rachel did, rachel getting upset over something Rick did or said but all the time I am still thinking that everything will be ok. susie was here for a week, she saw what was going on, we sat on My porch and she kept saying Dont worry Mistress it'll be ok, rachel loves You, Rick loves You, they will work it out. And I would think so too cause after a few days everything was, or so I thought, OK. Then I found out rachel was not happy afterall and she was hiding things from Me. I am not going into all that but suffice to say I was not happy. I trusted her with My entire being and I felt betrayed. she made plans to go for a weekend camping trip with sherry ( her wife) and the next thing I know My angel is telling Me how much she misses her family and wants to go home. Home....that used to be what she called here, now all of a sudden home for rachel is in Pa. she knows she will never be accepted as rachel there with sherry, sherry hates rachel, and all I can think of is what the hell is going to become of My angel, My beautiful sissy that I adore. How the hell could anyone want to go back to a place where no one really gives a fucking damn about them and leave a place where rachel was free and fucking loved more than any sissy ever has been! rachel said...i can stay for a while but You have to know that I will eventually return to my family. So, I said the only thing I knew to say...If you feel that way then you might as well pack your things and go now because I cannot emotionally handle not knowing how long you plan on sticking around. I am not like sherry, I dont sit back and either not care what shes doing or what shes planning. sherrys idea of comunication is ignoreing you hoping you will go away. I cant do that, I couldnt just sit here wondering everyday I was at work if rachel wasent on the phone or in chat working on when she would move back, or what they were going to do. My hearts breaking and no one gives a flying fuck. So, anyway, like I said there was a bit more but I am not going into it, all I asked rachel was not to plan to leave on a day I had to work, so that meant either last friday, or tomorrow which is Sunday. We had all planned to go to the Comedy Club tonight and rachel asked if she could stay and go and I said no, you need to go on Friday. If you dont think that broke My heart think again. For the next couple days all I did was cry, rachel cried, I cried, every moment of time we had spent together over the past couple years kept flooding back into My head. Every word, every dress she had ever worn, all the times we played, all the times I held her in My arms, now shes living with Me and about to leave and theres not a spot, a space, a dish in this whole fucking house that she hasent touched. No where she hasent been, no place that she hasent left her mark on. And I have to live here without her as she goes back into hell with a family that is about as loving as a fucking toothache. Sorry rachel but its fucking true and you know it! So, friday morning comes and its tears after tears. I painted her nails through My tears, I fixed her hair, I held onto her for as long as I could. I kissed her and hugged her and told her I loved her and that she could always come home if she wanted. she was crying when she left, I can still see her as she went around the corner, I wanted so bad to run after her and make her stay but I knew I couldnt and she wouldnt so all I could do was fall into My husbands arms and cry. He took Me to the bedroom, turned on the air and fan and just let Me cry.

 

I cried all damn day, I tried to do some things, went out and sat with My ducks for a while, that didnt help, rachel was the one that went with Me that day to pick them out. I went out to feed the chickens, with the scraps that rachel had left on the stove for them. I went down to rachels garden and sat there in the dirt right in the middle of the damn thing and thought to Myself...I cant take care of this garden but I have to cause rachel worked so hard on it I have to make sure it is ok. Later on friday evening Rick and I went to the grocery store, rachel always did that, the last time I was in that store I was with rachel. I could see her, walking beside Me, I'd pick up something and shed say...Mistress...thats not on the list! So, that trip turned bad. I could barely make it out of the store. We got home and I thought I had gotten Myself together, was putting some things away, opened the freezer to put the bacon that was on sale away and all I could do was stand there with the door open crying and saying RACHEL I dont know where this fucking bacon goes!!
I went to bed last night and as I passed the door to the room she slept in I said, as I always did every night, goodnight angel, I love you But this time I got no response. just emptyness.
Before I went to bed last night I did write an email to sherry, in hopes of helping rachel, a last ditch effort to try to get sherry to understand rachel so she wouldnt hurt her with her hateful words but of course that fell on deaf ears which is what I expected but I had to try. Why the fuck did I try you ask? Because no matter how bad I am hurting or how much pain this has caused Me I wanted to try to help rachel.
This morning I got up for the first time in months without My rachel, took My coffee and cigs and went out on the porch by Myself and sat, just as rachel and I did every morning before breakfast, listened to the chickens, all the birds only this time instead of saying What are we going to do today rach, I just sat there trying to fight off even more tears.
I had to work today at noon so I went in to get ready and looked in the mirror, and My immediate thought was...You are no magical Mistress anymore, youre face is swollen, your eyes are bloodshot and the happiness of a Mistress is no longer there.
We went to the Comedy Club tonight, only because My son runs it and I promised him we would be there. It was not funny, how come everyone in the room is laughing and all I can think of is if only I had let rachel stay one more day, if only.....

 

I had some thoughts thismorning sitting on the porch again, wondering how I ended up in this position again, didnt I fucking learn the first time, aparently not. I hadnt heard from rachel but there was an email waiting for Me when I got online today after sitting on the porch. rachel hasent replied to this thread but shes read it, I wanted so badly to hear from her yet knew it would make Me cry, it did.
Heres a portion of the email she sent Me, she said she didnt want to post her thoughts here because she was sure everyone here thought she was an asshole for doing this to Me. I dont want anyone to think that of My angel, I did this, I did this to her, and I am the one that will take the blame and the pain for whats happened. rachel will need you all, she will come out of this and will always be rachel, she will need support. I on the other hand will fade into the vanilla world, back where I belong.

rachels email.....
was unpacking yesterday and it took me hours. Everything i touched was something You had given me. i couldn't do it all at one time. i had to put some stuff away then get away for a bit. Then i came to my blue sissy dress and i broke down. i just sat on the bed and held it close and cried for i don't know how long and thought of MY Angel, YOU. Then there were my black and white maid shoes, the blue shoes we picked out together to match my dress for the gathering. Then i had to go to the store and i got out my pink ladies tee that You bought for me. Put it on and cried some more. i took it off and put on an ugly guy shirt and thought never again will i be able to go the store like i did when i was with You. Never again will i have the love and care i had with You. i miss You every minute of everyday. The kids and granddaughter were supposed to come over today but they called yesterday and ask if they could come over wtih a pizza. i needed them and all i could think was thank You for sending them a day early Mistress. When we went to bed last night Sherry and i snuggled for a bit then i started to cry thinking of You. i rolled over so she wouldn't feel the tears rolling off my face. i laid there for a bit then got up and went to the other room. The one that is painted pink.

You know, I want so badly to be angry, that would help, at least in My mind. I'm sure it wouldnt but I just want to feel better, I want the pain in My heart to go away, the feeling of uselessness, the empty feeling.
Are these feelings of a strong dominate woman? NO They are feelings of a weak woman that is lost for some reason.

My whole life, up until I got into this lifestyle maybe 10 years ago I was a very shy quite person. When I was Mistress Michelle I was, or at least I thought, important. I could do things, walk with My head held high and men noticed. I felt wonderful when I went out, when I was online and all the subs and sissys would flock to Me, everyone wanted to chat with Mistress Michelle. Of course they all do that to all the Mistresses anyway, but to Me it made Me feel special. Meeting alot of you in person was wonderful but it also was hard on Me, I couldnt just meet someone and 'ride the ride' I had to get involved, I had to care. I had to have a fucking connection with someone before I could get involved with them. That was My downfall I guess, if I coulda just fucking kept everything seperate, not got involved, there are Mistresses out there that do it every day, but No, not Me, I had to get My heart involved in it and look where thats gotten me.

 

Well...another day, 2 days post rachels departure and I feel no better. Although I do have to say that the private messages from Aline and the call from susie helped today. Ricks shutting down on Me now, hes tired of the crying I guess so when susie called I unloaded it on her. Thanks susie for always being the one to be there for Me no matter what.

I know I said we would see what happens, rachel said when she left she wanted to come back for visits if I allowed it, somehow the words rachel and visits just dosent seem to fit anymore. I was thinking about that while I was mowing today and I know without daily contact and support from one another she will drift away from Me, thats just how it works. Eventually she will drift away and I will never see her again, at least thats My fear. But what I dont understand is why am I so broken, instead of being soooo fucking angry, after all, this is the life she chose, shes the one that wanted to go back to hate, rolling eyes, and lonelyness, I didnt push her away. I wanted her, I gave her everything, and now I sit here worried about her. WTF, shouldnt I be pissed? Well, to tell the truth I am pissed, I am angry and hurt all at the same time. I feel like a fool and am playing it all out on the big screen for everyone to see. But I will say, I decided to do this because I thought it would give Me some sort of closure, like when I was gone everyone could look back and think not to make the stupid mistakes that this crazy woman did.

rachel to Me is My little girl, or was. I felt like she belonged to Me even though I guess she never did. But that was her fault for years of making Me believe she needed Me, she needed her Mistress. OMG, I loved the lace, the crinolin, the petticoats, the heels. The blue dress I bought especially for her to wear for the talent show at last years gathering that she spoke of, when she came out that night in that dress and began to sing I cried, that meant so very much to Me because I knew how hard it was for her to do that. And she looked beautiful, I have never been so proud of My angel than I was that night. How do you handle Memories like that when your heart is shattered?

I know she dosent want to be here and that she is the one that made the decision to leave Me, I am just not sure how I am supposed to handle that, the being left part. And she says she crys and misses Me, how can that be when this is what you wanted? If I had told you to go back I didnt want you here then I would not be crying,because I made that decision.
This just all seems like a fucking nightmare and I'd like to wake up anytime now to rachel fixing dinner.

 

Thanks susie, I can always count on you!

I learned alot today, some that was said, some that was left unsaid. Either way it was heard loud and clear.

 

Once upon a time I had a wonderful husband and a sissy girl I adored.
I still have a wonderful husband.