The Chasity Paradox: Is Being a KH Exhausting for a Wife?

This has been really interesting to read.

I think part of the paradox is also that chastity can lead to more sexual activity than non chastity relationships. It just changes the focus.


I think if the relationship is in a good place where the key holder isn't already over burdened by the day to day of the relationship for example (but not limited to) housework then there naturally occurs a lack of desire and willingness to take on the additional 'work' of being a key holder.

In our experience I've always tried to help as much as possible round the house and since having a baby do as much as possible to help there and that has been really appreciated (I've been told as much) adding chastity into the mix sends me a bit into hyperdrive where I try even more to helpful. Someone on here said that they didn't believe that but I really do believe it has.

I think it's also important to communicate which we have got a bit better at but to communicate that this isn't a bargaining/barter relationship.

More that I want to help and support you because I love you and appreciate what you do. It's not because I'm locked up and hoping for a release. I think our chastity experience is. A bit zen and my wife (hopefully) doesn't feel pressured to do anything.

Because she appreciates what I do I think she finds me more attractive for it and as time has progressed has come to enjoy the lack of pressure. I think she also likes the thought of me not masterbating and it's made sex more special for her.

I'm rambling a bit here but I agree with what others have said. If it's a chore and a drain on her time and energy it'll never happen. If it's a partner to you being more supportive, helpful and loving then it will be accepted and over time embraced.

Weve been doing this off and on for 5 years and it's steadily progressed and got better. I do think having a child has made it more challenging but we still do it and enjoy it. I do think if I said I was to stop she'd still marginally prefer it but when we have taken breaks I think she has noticed a dip in my helpfulness and mood.

Hope that helps but I've rambled quite a bit.

 

I’m trying my upmost to not become an ambassador for this…. But, you should read up on karazza and introduce that to your wife. It essentially focusses on sexual intimacy and interaction without the pursuit of orgasm. It’s has been an eye-opener in my relationship. It trumps the Locked and Dominated fantasy I lived for the best part of a year. As a bonus, it goes hand in hand with chastity.

It did help that we looked into it while my wife has a new found openness to all things sex, but it’s worked wonders.

 

I'm working on another half baked theory (don't I have them all. Have you guys heard of Erotic Blueprints? Here's a good podcast that talks about the idea in more detail:

https://www.tonyrobbins.com/podcasts/wired-for-pleasure/

I first heard about it on a flight back from vacation last weekend listening to this podcast:

Shameless Sex #162 - What Do I Want and How Do I Ask For It.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/shameless-sex/id1242394336?i=1000473277163

The main site is here: https://missjaiya.com/

The basic premise is akin to "Love Languages". Everyone basically aligns to some blend of these, with one being dominant:

1. Energetic: Enjoys anticipation and tease and is aroused by energy over touch.
2. Sensual: Aroused by the senses, including sound, taste, smell and touch.
3. Sexual: Aroused by sex itself; this type thinks of sex as old-fashioned fun.
4. Kinky: Aroused by things that are taboo to them, but this can come with shame.
5. Shapeshifter: Adventurous and creative; aroused by all of the above

Each Erotic Blueprint has a set of super powers. And a shadow aspect, which is often related to underlying trauma or issues preventing you from realizing the superpower aspect of the blueprint. For example, with a Kinky blueprint, their superpowers are things like being able to get sexual fulfillment from fantasy, power exchange and sexual games, or bringing tremendous creativity to a relationship. Whereas other types are more focused on sensual experiences or the act of sex itself.
The counter shadow aspect to these things are, for kinky, for example, shame and guilt about having kinky desires, being misunderstood about them, etc. Which creates resistance to pursuing our desires and shuts us down. Same for the other blueprints.

But the key here is to identify our types, our partners types and work through resolving the shadow aspects so we can get power and enjoyment from the super powers.

I mention this because when I read things like "The biggest issue in our intimacy is timing and opportunity. We have older kids, we go to bed later, we are overly occupied by work or the latest distraction, we are tired and sleep as long as we can until we have to jump out of bed to deal with whatever morning activity requires our attention. It just seems like there is no time for any of this. I think that is partly the appeal of the cage, as it could exist to feel in those gaps and make even the briefest encounters more sexually charged."

it makes me challenge the thinking. We make time for the things we want. We make excuses for things we are uncomfortable with, shameful of, etc. I know this because I'm struggling with all of it myself. We need to figure out how to move past avoidance and into integrating our desires into our lives. If not now, when?

The erotic blueprint idea is cool because it seems like a framework, much like Love Languages to give a starting point to anchor on key desires and disruptors (what am I into and what is my resistance to really getting what I am into) and how to I articulate it. And for a partner...who is this person, what are they really into and how do I help give it to them. Once we really understand our selves, give ourselves permission to have our desires, and articulate them to our partner, can everyone get on the same page with fulfilling them for each other.

Without this, we're stuck in a loop of not getting our needs met.

The fun thing with all of this is that @IB-Chaste figures this stuff out organically.

Without giving away my primary blueprint, what I think is fun is that it satisfies my voracious appetite for activity all the time. Chastity is "always on" (pun intended), which matches my desire for at least low level erotic hum in my life. My wife doesn't need that (she hasn't explored this stuff yet so it's all theory in my head at this point), but can understand I have the need and this seems to help keep me in the space I want to be in. The "sexual" blueprint is driven to orgasm and all things specifically sex-related. While that is a part of me ( I love giving and receiving a good orgasm), it's not the center stage primary focus and the denial and sexual game aspect feeds me, especially over time.

I hope my wife looks into this a bit and we can compare notes. I'm curious to see what unfolds.

 

‘A lack of time is actually the lack of priorities’

You should try and find time for one another. Cupids arrow is great, sort of, I didn’t read it all… but there’s a part in there about ‘scheduling intimacy’, which is silly, sort of. What it did in our relationship (we started reading the book together) is being aware that intimacy can be just that, a one minute cuddle. We do it all the time, but don’t acknowledge that it’s there.

My relationship is pretty similar to yours, especially as the kids are getting older and our time in the evening becomes more limited… but when the evenings draw in and we’ve finally finished all our routines etc and we just want to go to bed… that’s the only time we have. Make the most of it.
If my wife goes in the bath I’ll jump in with her, or sit at the side and wash her, talk about our day, about us etc. sometimes we don’t have anything to say.
Some nights we’ll watch Tv and she’ll pick up her phone and it’s become ok for me to tell her to put it down, or to ask for an evening without the TV on. I’ll massage her. Half of the time this is initiated by me asking “have you got pants on”, which is my acknowledgment that I’m not trying to turn this massage into sex. It’s just for her.

 

When both are busy, this is key! It's communicating that you care in words, attentiveness and actions that are really small. That creates an atmosphere for physical intimacy to sprout and grow naturally. We read those books and karezza has a lot to offer. We just took the general ideas and then did what comes naturally for us.

 

It has been a bit exhausting to convince him about MC, but now he is into it as well and I expect return of investment soon.

 

It's taken time, but I no longer have any expectations for sex, and she no longer feels pressure.

She also doesn't have to expend effort on caging me or managing the key; after a while, she made it my responsibility.

The cage has also tamed my frustration, but that took time (not that much time though -- just a few months made a huge difference).

Those three things are probably the biggest difference makers for her. Better sex? Yes, but it's way down the list for her. Obedience? Sure, but it's way down the list. Help around the house? That's higher on the list, but still not that important in the relationship. More respect? That's even higher on the list, and getting close to the "it's definitely worth it for this thing" point.

My summary is: It really helped that we changed things so that it's all zero effort for her, and no guilt, and no pressure, and I no longer build up that awful frustration after 24-48 hours of no sex. Everything else is just a bonus.

 

Pretty much describes us too.

This is a great thread, thanks everyone!

 

We are close to this arrangement. The only things that are different:

• my wife keeps the keys locked in a lockbox beside the bed for the most part; she keeps the combination secret from me; she doesn't mind holding the key and, although she hasn't verbalized it, I think she likes that small amount of control.
• she keeps track of when my next release for play is scheduled for and decides when she will actually release me. Again, she likes how devoted I am to her because we practice chastity, so this is something she is willing to do and gets some pleasure and enjoyment out of,

 

You need to slacken off for a few years... Wait till she's so fed up with your lack of attention, then she'll be suggesting she locks you up, or at least see some benefits. Only kidding. I get it.

My wife did see it as a chore at first, and for a while. It took her a long time to really believe in it, and me for that matter. I was coming from a place of 23 years of being (in my opinion not so much hers) a selfish lover. Breaking her own views which enable male entitlement and wifely duties wasn't easy either. She is embracing her powers more and more as time goes on.

Maybe your pitch needs to be more about the emotional connection or the feeling of the chase of a new relationship. The journey to less but more amazing orgasms. That you don't have to come everytime. When she's done, could you ask to wait to come till next time you are intimate? Gently introducing the fact that women don't always get to finish if the man comes first, and they're usually fine with that. Why should men expect to?

 

Not for mine, as I do everything for her, she does get exhausted from sessions with her bulls though!

 

in the beginning it was an ongoing chore and unfair burden I placed on my wife (rules/rewards/etc) .... but for us with the change to permanent chastity and orgasm denial for me, it has allowed the effort on her part to become basically ZERO.

Because of this permanent denial aspect - she basically forgets about the key and I think at times she does not even remember where she put it! She is not bothered with aspects about fit, comfort, me needing "out", me pestering her for a T&D sessions, sickness, or for that matter even the use of my/her penis. She is entirely satisfied by me through her toy selection.

As it is all up to her how we make love/have sex whenever she wants and however she wants, without her needing to "give me anything" except more frustration - which comes automatically with the MC territory.

She still gets the added benefits noted, more love and respect, me giving in more to her desires and wants and most importantly the knowledge that my masturbation is forever a thing of the past - this last one, a HUGE win for her!

This feeling of being secure in knowing that she controls every aspect of my sexual desire/pleasure has given her an element of confidence I love seeing and without any real effort on her part. All she needs to do is an odd kiss and cuddle, a strategically said teasing "word" - and this is what should happen in a healthy marriage anyway to keep it spicy!

As we are both getting what we want it echos the other opinions here that it is then no work.

 

Most of this is very familiar! If you haven't already, take a look at the article I wrote for the Cara Sutra site...

 

The only problem I see is that your wife and potential keyholder has to be at least a little bit interested in sex. If intimacy comes in at number 11 on her top 10 list then there is going to be nothing to convince her of any benefit. In that situation being a keyholder may be seen as another chore she could do without or worse she'll not even bother to think about it at all. I know, I've been there.

 

Sometimes the burden is not just the time required for a task, but also the responsibility and mental work of managing so many details. That's certainly how I felt in the child raising years. Keyholding is a big responsibility, so if the wife is already at her limit on managing things, you need to take some stuff off her plate. Not just the work itself, but also the responsibility and decision making.

For example, offering to clean up the kitchen after dinner would be a nice time saver, but doesn't really lighten the mental load in any way. On the other hand, taking responsibility for putting the kids to bed might allow the wife to mentally "punch out" from parenting mode an hour earlier. That can be huge.

You'll have to figure out what works for your specific situation, but don't focus solely on time.

The "unwanted" part is tricky. It's not really going to work unless both parties are getting something out of it. In my case, at first I did this just to humor hubby. Over time I found that I really liked being in control of his orgasms, and happily accept the additional responsibility. But back when we started it felt like a burden.

 

There are lots of men on here for whom chastity is clearly all about them and I feel sorry for their partners because it must be very tiring constantly trying to satisfy those egos

 

Consider this: Are you confusing genuine and natural? Imagine a guy born and raised in rural 1910’s Kansas, leaves home gets a job as a sailor, goes to a tropical island and someone asks him to try coconut for the first time in his life, he’s never even seen or heard of coconut before but he tries it. He loves it! Can’t get enough and wants to bring it back home for others to enjoy. Is his love of coconut not genuine because he was asked to try coconut? Would his love of coconut only have been genuine had he while growing up in rural Kansas he dreamt of a hollow fruit filled with a watery drink with flaky, chewy flesh covered in a hard husky shell? People don’t know what they don’t know.

 

You are confusing coconuts with mangoes my friend.

I’m not saying you can’t have a “flr”.
I’m not saying you can’t be denied.

What I am saying is that is it a true female led relationship and real denial of you have asked for it?
Can you be denied and given exactly what you want all at the same time? Is this not just an assistance of wishes? It’s not denial. It’s facilitation.

 

That would presume a relationship based on denial where the man (usually the man) doesn't want it. Which is hardly what most people here seek...

 

Which was my original point. Honestly, I’m surrounded by morons

 

that reminds me of the saying 'if everyone around you is an asshole...'

 

"Lifestyle" fetishes are a bore. I would say don't try to make sexual fetishism "cool" or "normal". It's already cool cos it's not normal.