Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

Wow @Rectrix and @Lazlo Toth, just wow. When I think back to things he's said, this rings so true. I'm going to lie in the sun and think some more about this. I am very grateful. It's like looking at life through a different lens.
THANK YOU. Sal

 

Since the revelation about the tiny difference in cage-size having such an effect, he's been in the slightly larger one, which seems better for both of us. But even after all this time, I still have to remind myself to send him saucy texts every now and then and make sure he's not forgotten. I've been playing slightly more on controlling when he can be hard rather than on when he might (or might not) come, and that seems to work. For me, it's such a subtle change in mindset but it seem to have quite a marked effect. It reminds me of Laura's advice about what to do if he's wearing Dora with a harness - just to think of it and act like it's a flesh and blood part of him. Everything else follows.

He's delightfully frustrated at the moment. All the sunshine helps and the hot weather means more showers together, which we both enjoy. I always wash him and shave under the ring and apply cream. It's so tempting to play with it sometimes, and yesterday I went a little too far and he had a little dribble. It remained hard though and I asked him how it felt. "More frustrating than you can imagine". I sat on the edge of the bath and watched it gradually soften - that's always intense for both of us but seemed to be more so, now that we're emphasising the hard/soft thing rather than coming or not. Eventually locked him up, patted him on the head (to which he responded instantly, like a wonderful reflex). It felt delicious but I'm missing him inside. I'm on late shifts this week, but time for a release for both of us soon, I think.

Sal

 

Since I last wrote, we've had a couple of weeks in a flat that's too hot. With the weather, My Pete was feeling uncomfortable and there were some chafing issues. I let him out, and that soon cleared up, but after he'd been uncaged for a few days, my body became out of bounds. With the heat I didn't think either of us felt very sexy. Then the light woke me early one morning and I caught him playing with himself. I asked him to stop, but he wouldn't (mutiny!!) and somehow I felt not just that I wanted to assert myself, but a bit tetchy too.

I went and had a shower on my own and when I came back, I didn't have to ask him if he'd made himself come - he was cleary quite soft. He apologised a lot but I said what I felt - that he hadn't trusted me to be responsible and that I felt out of control, which is not at all how I like to be.

Being a bit annoyed, I did a couple of things I probably wouldn't have done otherwise. I said it was a shame he'd broken the rule and played with himself because what I had really wanted right now was to be filled (which wasn't actually true). I took it in my hand and rather pointedly said it was a pity it was all limp and that it wasn't going to work. He looked disappointed and asked if we could just wait a bit and it would perk up, but I said he should have thought about that earlier. I asked him to fetch the smaller cage. He put up a bit of a verbal fight about that and I nearly relented but as I was genuinely a bit annoyed, he ended up in it. To be honest, it looks pretty much the same as the bigger cage but we've found the effect on him is quite different. I told him it would be for at least a week, probably more. We know from experimenting that the mental effects on him of the slightly smaller cage, which doesn't allow the beginnings of getting hard, are quite difficult. He said it makes him feel emasculated and a bit submissive. I found myself quite surprisingly excited, and told him so. I think it as the feeling of control rather than his submission, but it's all a bit confused.

I asked him to warm Daddy Bear and bring it (him?) to me. He offered to wear it as a strap-on but I said no, partly because I wanted to exclude him because I was irritated, and partly because it's really a monstrous thing, and I worried that he'd hurt me.

There was something curiously thrilling about holding it while he watched. As it went in, he said, "Please". I'm not sure exactly what he was asking for but I just asked him to keep quiet and to try to enjoy the view. It wasn't so much the length that felt different, but the girth made me gasp a bit and actually after the initial shock it felt quite special. Being watched by him was exciting too. But... I'm not proud of this but instead of just losing myself in the moment, I said a bad thing. I said something like, "So this is what it's like to be properly filled". As soon as I said it, I wished I could take the words back, especially 'properly'. He looked demolished.
I immediately stopped and explained to him that I didn't mean it the way it sounded, and that I'd only said it because I was a bit annoyed with him but I don't think he believed me. I remember when I was about 15 - I was a late developer as tall girls often are - and some well-meaning friend's mum said something about it being just fine to have small boobs. I never forgot it and it definitely accentuated any hang-ups I already had.

So, he's been in his small cage for the last five or six days. I've been sure to be extra nice, sending him plenty of saucy messages etc, and we seem to be ok again but I wish I could un-say what I said.

I've noticed that after a few days in the smaller cage, he definitely seems to settle in to a much less sexual frame of mind, or at least a less obviously sexual one, than after he's been in the slightly larger one, which allows the merest beginnings of an erection. It feels very odd indeed to have this control over a fundamental part of his character. He literally seems to become more compliant! But it may be that I'm looking for this so I'm too easily convinced.

Yesterday, I took the cage off to have a shower together. It took longer than usual for him to become hard. He said he thought he'd been punished enough. I agreed - I definitely prefer the hyper-sexual caged animal who gets desperate and makes me feel ultra-desirable, to the slightly emasculated version of My Pete. Reinforcing the animal thing, after washing and shaving him, I popped the little leather harness on him and led him by his balls on a lead. It was nice to see him excited and he was like an eager puppy when I suggested he might want to take me. I kept hold of the lead, which gave a lovely feeling of control. I knew he wouldn't last long - he came the moment I told him to, just ahead of when I guess would have done anyway - but it felt nice.

He's back in the larger cage now. It's only an extra centimetre but seems to make all the difference.

Sal

 

If only you knew! I don't feel half as confident, or even a tenth as confident as I come across when I write. When I accidentally said that bad thing to him, my stomach practically tied itself in a knot. And theer are so many times when I ask him to do something (eg fetch the little harness thing, or big Bear) and I just imagine he'll refuse and the whole thing will fall apart. For some women on here, the big problem is guilt - mostly about enjoying oneself when supposedly one's partner isn't. I went through a short phase of that but it didn't last long - once I realised that our project was a huge turn on for him. (and me) The thing I really find difficult still is the confidence thing. I keep expecting him just not to believe in me in this role any more. Every now and then, I have a real crisis about it and have to have an emergency G&T! It helps that Laura and I are back on speaking terms and actually surprisingly close again. I have thought once or twice about reintroducing her to inspections, but that feels like a bad idea.

There's a woman at the gym who I've seen a couple of times, who wears a key like mine - hers is on her ankle. We acknowledged it last week and said hello (she's called Kate) although we didn't talk about the keys. We were both just leaving. Next time though. But even that makes me quite nervous. My Pete and I are super-sensitive about confidentiality but it's so nice to be able to talk to someone. I'll make sure she talks about the key first though - it might well be the key to her jewellery box!

Sal

 

We had a nice chat lying in bed last night - curled up together. I was in the crook of his shoulder and had my hand on his cage - which both of us like. We felt close. We talked about this and that but I learned something new.

He said that watching me with Big Bear (as we know call it) had been exciting but difficult for him, especially when I'd asked him not to participate. He said he had been feeling 'a bit useless' anyway, and then I'd made the comment about feeling 'properly filled'. I repeated what I'd said to him before - that I'd only said it because I had still been a bit annoyed with him. But then he said that actually that hadn't been the worst moment.

He told me that just a couple of days ago, after I'd led him around on the lead and I'd had him inside me and made him come immediately (as he generally does when he's been caged for a while) he'd been looking forward to 'making love properly' a few hours later, (as we often do) when he'd have been able to control himself and last much longer. But nothing had happened. I hadn't been interested. He said he'd thought about trying to initiate something but the combination of the smaller cage we'd been using, seeing me with Big Bear, what I'd said about being properly filled, being made to come pretty much the moment he entered me, and then after all that, not given the opportunity for 'proper sex', had made him upset and humiliated.

I was just about to apologise but found myself asking if he had found all this just a little bit exciting too? He didn't say anything. Tumbleweed moment. I said, "I think maybe you were." More tumbleweed, and eventually he said, "Maybe". It felt like an important moment. I said that I loved having the feeling of control and the responsibility but that it was difficult to always get it right. I said maybe I'd got the balance wrong, especially as he'd been nearly a week in the slightly smaller cage which does funny things to his brain. Too many things going on at once. I reassured him about enjoying him inside me.

That of course, was his cue to suggest that's where he really ought to be right now. He gave me his big goofy grin and I nearly relented but realised that he would come immediately and because he had an early start this morning, we wouldn't be able to stay up for another round in a an hour or two. I explained this to him and gently tapped my hand on top of his head. It's like a reflex action for him. He was attentive and slow and gloriously controlled and I thought about him as the caged animal with a magnificent tongue, and told him so!

Thinking about it all this morning, he's a little more fragile and sensitive than I'd thought. He's in the larger cage now - I'll see how he is after a week of that. I just sent him a couple of teasing texts about my caged animal.

One completely separate thing we've discovered recently. As I've described here before, I've often wondered what it would feel like to be able to make him go soft on command. Of course, I love being able to make him hard by responding to my words, or a look, or my touch but there would be something so controlling about comanding him to be soft for me. We've both talked about that fantasy. After washing him, he's generally hard and it takes a while for him to go soft enough to get the cage on. We both rather enjoy that ritual and quite often I just patiently watch him, to make it even more squirmy. We haven't found a way to make him go soft (which is the point of the cage, I guess) - in fact any time I've tried it, he seems to get more excited, not less.

But I have noticed that there are some positions in which he'll go softer faster than others. For inspections and measurements, Laura originally suggested having him put his legs over the arms of a chair. It's a vulnerable position and it seems to need a little more attention from me to keep it hard - which, as she pointed out, is perfect for making measurement time as stomach churning as possible. (evil grin).

A month or so ago, we were playing around, with him out of his cage, obviously excited. We were joking around. At one point, he was lying on his back, hands clasped under his head. It was throbbing away as usual. For some reason, at one point I held his feet together so his soles were touching - which meant that his knees were nearly flat on the bed on either side. I hadn't really clocked him in that position before and was about to tell him he looked pleasingly vulnerable when I noticed that it had gone soft - not just a bit, but properly squishy nd small. We've tried it once or twice since. In less than half a minute it goes from being hard to totally soft, (and stays that way even if I wrangle the ring and cage). I never knew that was a thing, and apparently neither did he!! The moment we let him stretch out or get up, then - boingg - it goes hard again. I asked him what's going on and he said he didn't really know - maybe a combination of feeling vulnerable and some nerve thing. It turns out he finds it difficult to remain hard in that position, even if I let him play with himself (only for a moment!) I know this is different from being able to command him to go soft, but it's still pretty impressive. I get a little kick out of it, I admit.

Sal