It's Her Kink, Not Mine, So Why Is It So Damn Effective?

Thanks! We do, but of course I dont write about the many "normal" times with sick grandkids or arguing over paint color. And for some reason many times that I post an update we get into some silly argument. Pretty sure its Murphys law and not related. Last night she got mad as hell at me because I wanted her to move seats so the grandkids could sit with her. She's still mad and the cage might as well not be there.

But, imho, the fact that we are "normal" does not detract from the magic of chastity, it makes it all the more facinating, which is what I focus on here.

Thanks again for following along.

 

@true42 , I am not sure if I am ahead or behind you in terms of arguments with my wife. But I want to delve a bit deeper into the dark side as I have seen it lately. I have been out of it (Grandkids, visitors, sick house, now Covid. Nothing too bad but it sure takes the blood out of the balloon if you know what I mean). But that is normal stuff. All us long-termers experience it. None of us like it and we all find a different way to deal with it. The real dark side of EMC is buried in the power shift. For even the most loving person Power Corrupts. Given the massive power shift that can come with FLR, I think a smart couple needs to recognize this and communicate before it becomes too much.

My lovely Queen has moved me into a new phase. She hasn’t said a word but it is obvious. The lockups are much more merciless and she won’t even discuss orgasms. If I am a very good boy, she promises me, I might earn a stretch. That is a hard thing to accept, even if a few of my Really Stupid comments cleared the way for this further power shift. So I discussed it with her. Yes, she knows its bugging me. Yes, she knows I can get dark and moody, she is planning on it, looking for it, and hopes I am learning a lesson of what it is like to live with constant mood swings that she and a majority of women have to deal with (boy am I, but it is pissing me off!). But the good news is that she IS paying attention and IS in control and DOES care about me/us. I really needed to hear that (and that made her happy too, because it told her the role reversal was working. (Wait? What role reversal??? Why did that prove it is working???).

The dark side is that the woman I love is doing a social experiment with me as the guinea pig and she holds all the power. I further observed that her tolerance for my misgivings has gone very low, and my resulting mood swings can make me less than happy and not willing to put up with shit. Sometimes the “D” word even crosses my mind in a fit of anger. She understood and said she knows it is pushing my limits but thinks I can handle it and come out the other side better. She agreed we need to work through it and talk more, especially when I am upset (after a cool down). She agreed she still needs me to be strong sometimes, and doesn’t expect me to ever be 100% submissive in daily life (I am the first man she has been with that is willing to stand up to her and she needs that) but she thinks I have a long way to go inter-personally (she is spot on there). Good or bad she has no intention of relinquishing any control or going backwards. We are on the path she wants and if I care about her I will support her.

I said in a previous post that Confidence is Sexy. But I will add now that Power can be Scary. I think we will get through this and learn a lot more about each other (we always do). But for sure this side of it is NOT a game.

I’m not sure what your experiences are with the serious/dark sides of chastity, but I will say just writing this helped. I don’t think these fears should discourage someone from a FLR lifestyle, just recognize them. The amazing power of chastity as a lifestyle – by replacing the typical sexual power dynamics it forces a mature couple to open up about their fears, their relationship, and how they truly need and support one another – is so much more than just the power to make a man beg or woman drip. The hormones are fun of course, but it would be a shame not to appreciate all this other stuff.

[Post text: Covid about done. Some of the houseguests gone. And she put me squarely back in sub-space last night so I am posting this one before I lose the will to talk about “dark sides”]

 

Hi, @true42, I didn't see your response until just now when I am ready to update things. To your question: I have been out of the cage 4 times since January 14th. 3 times around Dr appointments, 2 of the 4 times I got some edging out of the deal and one time a milking. This has been a radical shift since she used to like playing with me 3-5 times per week rather than once per month. I don't like it and it makes me grumpy some times, but she only smiles when I talk about it and says she knows exactly what she is doing. She encourages me to communicate and still loves it when I beg, but she is not changing her plans for anything.

@Chaz69: I can't read her mind on this so no idea what she is doing to me, I only know there is a certainty she will succeed - she always does.

Let me post this next bit on the dark side. It has been a brutal month of illnesses, comings and goings and even arguments - some near catastrophic. Yet I/we continue to learn, and I think that means we grow closer together. I am much more afraid of the problem I don't know, than the one I understand, and this now falls into the later category.

BTW: There is no prize for more serious or most long term chastity. For sure I didn't ask for this and not sure there is another "side". But it is so freaking amazing and I just want to share anything I learn along the way good or bad. It helps me to stay sane (debatable perhaps) and if it helps anyone else...

 

As I wrote above, we have been having some rocky times lately so this is one more post about that. A few weeks ago during an argument, unsolicited, she said “and don’t think that cage is coming off because it’s not. You will still be wearing that cage in the casket, and if you think divorce will get you out of it, so help me I will find a way to make wearing it part of the divorce agreement. Just accept the fact that you will never be free again”. A few days later in a friendly follow up she assured me she was 100% serious. I am starting to think this might be more than a game now [sarcastic shrug].

I’m not defending her comment, nor endorsing it. I’m certainly not bragging even though some of the chastity zealots out there will be envious. I think it is a tad scary, actually, and adds some validity to my dark side theory. But she made it clear that the cage is a point of pride, accomplishment and identity to her now and is important. She dreamt for years of being in sexual control in a relationship and worked very hard to ensure my willing compliance. Her career is done and kids moving on so this is one of the few things left to fuel her self worth. I love her and respect her feelings and we both want to make the relationship work so we have spent a fair bit of time discussing the “dark side” along with our other challenges.

A tiny bit of necessary background. My wife is a very strong woman. An eastern European immigrant she put herself through college (BSRN) without her family knowing about it. She rose to Sr management levels at work while raising 4 kids on her own, including a handicapped child who she guided beyond all expectations. Strong like rock. I have a not-too-dissimilar background and fell in love with that strength and was one of very few men she dated strong enough to push back and support her. Submissive just didn’t exist in either of our vocabularies.

So we have a foundation based on love, hard work and strength and I would argue that is absolutely necessary now more than ever. She needs me to be strong. She is addicted to the control and power of chastity and it is NOT a game to her at all. Anyone besides me see a conflict here?

We've been talking about the “dark side” and she admits it does exist. We got a glimpse of this the very first week I was locked up, when some guy started hitting on her in the bar and she started rolling with it, drunk with power far beyond what we agreed to at the time. We experienced this again last week when she made some dangerous decisions and told me I had to back off because she was “the Queen”. I almost walked out. Only later could she admit her judgement was clouded by that very same power rush. I don’t know if other couples experience similar things, but in my opinion it is hard to be serious about EMC and not have that power get in the way sometimes.

So no magic answers since my last post. We got through those close calls and decided to keep the discussions going in hopes of developing enough skills to avoid a repeat. Her power is so damn sexy and addicting, but sometimes I feel like my opinion no longer matters or that she doesn’t see the need for me to be strong. When I told her that she laughed lovingly and said: “don’t you see what is going on, silly? I’m becoming the boy and you are becoming the girl: all of a sudden you are worried about being “valued” and I only care that you do what I command. Not only is there a power shift, but we are both in new territory!”. So right.

We don’t have a safe word for sex. She knows more about the human anatomy than I care to and knows how to cause pain or pleasure without damage. But writing this I think we need a safe word for real life. A chance for me to say “honey, this is important. What you are about to do could hurt somebody or hurt our relationship: stop!”, and be on equal footing for a few moments of ugly, necessary, life before going back into role. I dunno, just thinking out loud. It would have to be something she would honor even when her pride was backed up to the wall.

Well once again I started a post hoping to tell the internet world of some new revelation only to find I am still working out my/our issues online. Weird but it does help. And in case you are wondering: no, she hasn’t even let me out for a stretch (I think to her that is chastity-the-game, and we are discussing chastity-the-life). But maybe tonight if I am a real good boy!

 

Relief! She let me out for a stretch that night and it was like heaven-on-earth. Just a 15 minute edging session followed by some cuddling but I feel like a new man now. Amazing. My headache is gone and so is my grumpiness. @Chaz69 you say this is some heavy shit, but others on here have sealed cages for years, I am no where near being able to do that!

We had some good talks. For all the reasons I mentioned she has no intention of backing off. I asked her to marry me in a cage and I knew at the time how important it was to her. OK, being a typical man I did not expect it to get this serious, but that is my own damn fault. She is crazy good at this and will continue to increase her control until we really are in a FLR (I had never even considered this). BUT she does appreciate that she needs a strong man and that I need some identity as well. She doesn't like my "safeword" approach and says that whatever we come up with, it needs to be a power that she "bequeaths me", i.e. it has to be a willing surrender of authority in order for her to abide by it when she is seeing red. This also makes sense. More work to come...

Clearly she couldn't get authority to force me in the cage if we broke up, and she is not the blackmailing type. Although thinking about it she is very smart and would probably bargain "I will give up xxxxxx but only if I keep the key" or something like this. She really is THAT determined, and I am equally determined to never find out.

 

Having one of those “I NEED to cum” days. Going out of my mind and it feels like my skin is crawling. At the moment I am trying to convert those “OMG, what have I gotten into” thoughts into appreciation for the excitement I am feeling. Maybe writing about it will help rationalize my feelings, and get me off this ledge? My KH - my Queen - is absolutely loving this, it is exactly the disoriented deer-in-the-headlights stage that she loves to see me in. I am never more at her mercy than when I am so pre-occupied with what my penis is not allowed to do.

Of course no man “needs” to come, but I have to imagine every chaste male has felt like this at some point. No matter how hard you try to focus on medical reality those hormones are firing up the part of your brain that just knows you are going to die if you don’t cum soon. God, I love chastity. It has the power to completely consume one in a state of helpless desperation with no way to out-smart it. Three plus years into this and the waves of emotions just keep sweeping me off my feet. Rather than getting used to it, the butterflies in my stomach seem to increase over time. Sure there are down days and even some boring days, but the next wave is guaranteed to come (even though it is pretty certain I won’t).

My Queen is wonderful, and likes to keep me on edge, but I can’t even say this is all her. We haven't played in some days, I woke up today with the usual early morning pressure and just wanted out - make that desperately wanted out - of this Lori cage that does such a good job denying me everything. But when I rolled over and held her it was like an electric charge went through me. I HAD to serve her. I cuddled and caressed and patiently spooned her as she drifted deeper into a happy sleep. When she finally started to wake I made sure to gently get her attention in all the right places. To my joy she jumped on my face and forcibly had me serve her. It felt so wonderfully satisfying. I thanked her profusely while she worked her tiny finger in the end of the cage until I almost couldn’t take it anymore and then proclaimed “No! No caged orgasm for you. You are going to have to do a LOT more to earn one of those. Now off you go!”

Wow. Hours later my head is spinning and some part of my brain is still certain that I am not going to survive this day if I cannot cum. Yet another part knows that I live a blessed life, one where I am attracted to my wife non-stop and where every day has sexual excitement, no two of which are the same.

 

Time for some fun updates. Bragging about how bad (or good, depending on perspective) I have it, etc. Because most people here are tired of wank fodder I will do my best to keep it more to the “how does this work so well” point but fair warning, this is a long/catch up post about how wonderful my wife's growing power is...

Just over 7 months without a proper orgasm. I think this is my longest but would have to look back to verify. For sure it feels like it. Why? Well, she gets more confident and stronger by the day (and didn’t need much of a boost to begin with). We have worked out the kinks in my Lori 2D and it is damn effective now. For both of us the more “real” the “forced” or “locked” element of chastity is the bigger/better the headtrip. The base ring and the cage fit better now and we discovered a bit of Loctite results in very tamper proof security screws. The retainer ring is just big enough to not give me sores now – unless I try to pull out and then it tears me up. It only took a couple of tries before I decided it best not to even try to pull out again (well, that and her promise of a serious @$$ kicking if she sees any more sores there). I truly feel trapped and she truly feels powerful. That is sexy.

It IS possible for me to shake out an orgasm in this cage (do they call those sissygasms?) after months of denial. My Queen was not upset at all when I told her “it is only natural for your body to find an outlet” she said “I am not worried – you won’t get much of a reset and it tells me I am finding your upper limit. Everything is working just fine!”.

My Queen has told me several times that I will not be getting a proper orgasm for at least a year (from the last one). She lets me beg (nicely) because it gets her wet, then tells me how that just furthers her resolve. And the more frustrated or desperate I get the more turned on she gets. I can see it, and we talk about it. We still don’t understand it 100% but she can hold me and feel my frustrated penis in its prison and she literally cums. Of course, I feel tremendous waves of pleasure when this happens, almost as good as cumming myself (without the mess and letdown). It scares me how easily my frustration gets her over the edge, and her orgasms have been getting better and better (her words, not mine) which is so rewarding.

She has been experimenting with different ways to give me a ruined or partial orgasm - some way of giving me the max satisfaction she can without a reset: Pegging, with a reach around to milk my flacid penis, does the trick but she has to be careful not to over-drain me. Traditional edging and ruining work of course. Then she has tried over-stimulating a few times. This blew my mind. She edged me until I warned her that I was close, and then frantically worked my tip and frenum. It sent me over the edge instantly and quickly became painful until I begged her to stop. I was locked up, horny as hell, 20 minutes later and a bit sore at the same time. She has also tried a few in-cage orgasms. She can fit her pinky in the slot on the end of the Lori’s and – IFF I am very wound up – work me to an orgasm. I loved this both times she did it. After all of this she challenged me to shaking out another caged orgasm myself and I couldn’t do it. She smiled warmly and admitted that all this just helped her know how to control me better. She is sooo right.

But good things have limits. Ruined orgasms of any kind are mini-orgasms. And if I get enough of them spaced close enough together then the prolactin starts rising, the frustration drops, and power she has over me slips a bit no matter how hard I try to hide it. So if she gives me more than a few “releases” per month it starts to add up and I don’t treat her as well. A few minutes of my fun does not really justify being less than the best husband I can be for her for weeks afterwards. It isn’t fair, but it’s right. So I think she is experimenting to find what is the nicest she can be to me without ruining the magic. The fact that I understand that makes it feel much less like "denial" and more like an evolving sexual relationship.

One good addition for the journal’s sake: We have been implementing a system that has really reduced the horrible arguments we were having. They were ruining our chastity fun and threatening our relationship. We understand some of the root causes but cannot make them go away (medical conditions, etc) so we are using what works – chastity - to help address them. We are using the Obedience app and counting points for good and bad behaviors. One of the ways I can earn (or loose) points is by reminding/helping her daily to keep the app updated (she has a short term memory issue and this way I am taking responsibility to help her). And there is a weekly accounting session where she can peg, whip or otherwise work out her aggressions for my transgressions. I don’t like pain, but I love it compared to multiple real world arguments. She loves being in control so much (it is her driver for Chastity and subject of a future blog) that she would start to feel down when she would forget things, which of course killed her Domme vibe and further upset her. As a result I could do something very small and suddenly receive the wrath of Hades for no apparent reason. Now we both stay on the same page and it is my job to make sure she never forgets (or else). I can tell you it isn’t whipping my ass that has helped stop the arguments (she is actually still way too kind) – it is her feeling comfortable that she is, indeed, in control despite a serious problem. I don’t recommend this app or such reminders for everyone but the concept of making the husband responsible to help the wife past her weaknesses and truly empower her certainly makes sense. I think I would be an incredibly weak man if I couldn’t do that for her.

That cycle – you know where you discover something that you can do to empower your partner and it works and their increased power is sexy and makes you want to do more – is dangerous. It is one of the driving forces behind chastity IMHO, but is a drug and can get you into trouble. Right now I am typing this with a dog shock collar strapped to my balls. She is running around like a kid in a candy shop inventing new rules. We've had it for 2 years but she just now got the gumption to try it. I can see by the look in her eyes that she is going to push my limits and yet my cage has never been so tight. What have I created?! (actually nothing, she has created this, I am just taking the bait).

For any of you thinking “this is just crazy stuff” I give you fair warning: 3+ years ago I pointed at her and raised my voice and said “if you think I am ever going to go weeks, or even a month, without sex, you’re out of your mind”. Yet here I am and loving it and more blown away than ever by the power of EMC.

 

YES!!!
Thank you!

But, why? I know this. I dont "think" I want to be a prisoner. Yet almost everything I do furthers HER cause and I love it. THAT is what I cant quite get my head around.

 

@JLeopold very well said. I agree completely and love your comparison of success and happiness. I often equate my state to my feelings as a teenager, chasing the girl of my dreams but not actually having her yet (without all the stress of course), doing anything to please her.

I still feel there is even more behind this than the hormones. Why, for example, some men are so excited about chastity when they haven been chaste yet? Why was I overtaken by a tidal wave of emotions when she first locked me up (my hands, not even in a cage yet)? And why, once I have been free for a while, do I prefer THAT lifestyle better (and why is it different from person to person)? I am searching for what part of our subcon ious is triggered by chastity that augments these hormonal changes.

You probably nailed it and I am just over thinking this, which is precisely where my Queen wants me (dazed and confused). Wait... why does she want that?... (there I go again)

 

@Chaz69 that is exactly what I am trying to understand, too! I don't miss the "burn" if I can simply jack off and feel "satisfied". Perhaps it is also explained by hormones as I believe the drop in dopamine after sex is caused by an increase in prolactin, sometimes referred to as the hormone of sexual satiation. I used to love feeling satisfied and in control. No woman could sway me because I kept myself at a nice balance. And when I am back in that position (I don't "over masterbate" IMHO, but fill in the gaps enough that I never feel an overwhelming urge) it IS nice. I DO like it. Likewise the transition between either state sucks, and sucks even more the longer I go.

My problem is that the opposite is also true. You can imagine which version of me my wife prefers. And she knows that the longer I am denied, the better it works and the more I cherish her. This in turn fires up her hormones and makes her never want to experience "in control" me again.

Now that I look back I can see exactly how I got here. Each lockup term increased substantially from the previous. Each time I was free she became despondent and/or angry, and it took longer with me locked before she would feel I deserved a break. So what if I like the breaks - she has learned I also love being locked, and that it is worth her time to stoke that fire rather than deal with unlocked me. So now she shows her love by making my chaste life interesting and I am realizing that I may never know unlocked life again.

Hormones can explain all of this, but I still think the triggers and motivation are deeper. At the very least, I would suggest, there are things in our subconscious that are triggering those hormones. Is it Freudian - related to our earliest learnings of sex and our earliest learning of parental roles? Is it based on heredity and models of what got us through the stone ages? (working on a theory here, just haven't had time to finish it off and post it). Either way, based on my exhaustive scientific study (of one subject, me) and with critical peer review (what could be better than Chastity Mansion?), I remain convinced that there is something at work here far deeper than whether or not we identify as being "submissive", or enjoy "getting a break from being in control" or many of the other common answers I read in chastity "guides"...

 

A lot of learning this year. Haven't journaled much but will try to catch up in the next few days because I think work is locking down my laptop and I will need to get a new computer to continue any longer journal posts here soon.

Still no proper orgasms since she slapped the cuffs on me last Jan 14. When I last journaled she was experimenting with ruined or caged O's of various types, and I loved it. But alas she did not. It turns out I regress a little each time and at some point she finds my change in behavior irritating. So she embraced Loctober and No-vember and is sizing me up for what works and what doesn't in a desert. More on that later, here are a few things really driven home this year:

Real Chastity works better. Said this before and here it comes again: the more secure the device the bigger the headtrip for me. Maybe I could “play along” or fake it better if chastity was my desire in the first place but it wasn’t. And for some reason the more she enforces my chastity and the more impossible it is for me to cheat, the more I feel the hormone rush and the more drawn in I feel - she tells me the exact same thing. She doesn’t get as turned on if I am in a cage I can easily pull out of, for example, and gets wet every time she sees me fighting with my Lori 2D. I think this further supports my theory that EMC taps in to a subconscious pool of emotions that many (if not all) men have hidden away somewhere. If I am not orgasming because I choose not to, I feel a small buzz of hormones but that buzz is much faster and much, much stronger if it is being imposed on me against “my will”. I think it is related to a real transfer of power that excites us both and brings me closer to some hidden treasure in my subconcious. A good example was when she started adding some Loctite to my Lori security screws (basically she ran with my suggestion after a screw loosened once). After one application she got some in the screw head, and the next time she went to remove the screw wound up slipping the key and stripping the screw head [side note: RESPECT the Lori security screws – after looking at them under a magnifying glass I cannot imagine removing one properly installed without the exact correct key]. There I was, trapped in a device that even my KH could not remove and with no chance of pulling out, etc. To our surprise we were both super turned on by this! A week or so later we decided to drill the screw out (Dr. appts coming up) and it was a huge PITA. We got through it, but it was a reminder of how high the bar had moved (to get free). Much higher than I was/am willing to jump, and so I still am feeling the enhanced effects of this more secure cage several weeks later. I would liken this to several guys on here saying how getting a PA really ramped things up (something my Queen assures me is in the cards if I ever find a way out of the retaining ring).

Real chastity now includes wearing my cage to Dr appointments unless it must be removed for purely medical reasons. It means travelling without a key regardless of where to. It means loctite-a-plenty to insure no backing out the security screws. In 11 months she relented one time and sent me the code to the key safe to unlock on camera and quickly fix a pinch, and it now means I better take time to clean, treat, and keep the cage pinch free or else.

The next thing we learned was really a revelation for her as much as me. She has been looking for a GFWB and getting nothing but hits from guys. So we were discussing cuckolding among other things (something that was a hard limit before but I would consider if she wanted to now). I read a blog from a bull that stated how important it is for the bull to become the alpha and the cuck to be clearly beta, and said to her “I don’t really like that, but I guess I see why it is necessary for the dynamic”. To my surprise she said “I don’t either – I want to be the alpha, not some other Dick”. We stopped and looked at each other as if a light was flipped on. It should have been obvious I guess, but to us we didn’t really understand what drew her to EMC so strongly and suddenly it was clear: her inner fantasy was to be truly 100% in control, at least of our sex life. She went on and said: “Sorry honey but YES, I want you to be fully Beta – to my Alpha”. Again this should be obvious to any couples in chastity but I was hiding this simple fact behind her getting more orgasms or getting to boss me around. Those are benefits for sure, but are NOT her motivation. Suddenly it makes sense that when she sees me in the very secure cage that even I can’t get out of (within reason) she gets wet. When she holds me and I tremble with sexual frustration she cums. It is a direct fulfillment of her fantasy of being truly in control of her man/domain.

This revelation (that her being Alpha IS the motivator) immediately started her thinking. I might get more orgasms it seems. Probably caged ones, but in her new viewpoint it is not so important how long I go between orgasms but that it be purely her choice (she said not to get my hopes up). Dissapointingly, she quickly concluded and told me that I probably would never ride her again, not even with the strap on. She looked back and said that those just didn’t turn her on as much and she now realizes that this is because it puts me in the alpha position. She said I probably would wear the harness but she would ride me and not vice versa. It also explains why she can come – easily – by pegging me even without a vibrator or something in her. This woman is genuinely turned on by any experience that makes her feel alpha to my beta.

I don’t know if I like that? Ahh, but that is exactly what turns her on. And the more it confuses or frustrates me, and the more real it is, the better it works for her, and for me.

 

Hi, @Chaz69 you guessed it: Girl Friend With Benefits. She has never tried Bi, but loves her own smell on my lips after I serve her and tells me she would love to 69 another woman. She has always liked and flirted with guys, so I was also surprised at why she was turned off at the idea of another guy. I would have expected "I don't want to risk our marriage" or "I'm afraid that would be complicated". But NO, that was for sure not her response - instead it is "one wannabe Alpha male around is more than enough".

I think the whole GFWB was a fantasy I kindled in her unknowingly. I kiddingly begged her for a FMF threesome for years. Her mind, focused on chastity, quickly turned that into "wouldn't that frustrate him if he got his fantasy but couldn't do anything about it". I do think she is serious about trying this out now, she thinks it would be sexy and fun and no so risky, but so far it has not been easy to find someone.