Begging for Chastity Training

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by ChasteBr, Sep 24, 2010.

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  1. ChasteBr
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    ChasteBr Chaste Married Male

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    Well.. its my first trip back in a while…. Two months to be more exact.

    About two months ago, I called an end to this whole chastity thing with my wife, as well as an end to attempts and a Dominant / submissive style of a relationship. It’s not that I wasn’t getting anything out of it, I love it, most of the time. It was basically the result of the fact that we didn’t have the time to work on it, and she didn’t have the available time to learn about it, and we were stagnating. Being a submissive was starting to feel like a full time job for which there was very little compensation, and I started having very brief moments of enjoyment, and very long periods of resentment.

    The strange thing was, that the brief moments where I felt us interacting on that special level, made up for long periods of time where I felt bad about the way things were going for a long time.

    So turning it off, was difficult. I have always (in my opinion) been an exceptionally helpful husband. Some might call it “closet servitude” or one way submission. But you get the point, I was always serving my wife without getting any reciprocal domination from her. While we were trying this new dynamic, I took it too a whole new level. Backing away from that, or “resetting expectations” has been extremely difficult. Add the stress of resetting expectations to a long distance move (back on the east coast of the USA finally), the purchase of a new home (and everything that goes with it). It has led to conflict between both of us, some fighting, and some tempers flaring. Things are better and worse for us, but the last two months have given both of us the opportunity to have something to compare our relationship against.

    I mean, since this was something that I asked for, and that I wanted, I was kind of always paying attention to how talking to her about my need to be submissive, and in chastity, impacted our relationship, and how I felt about it. Now after 2 months after “a break” I think she has something to measure it against as well. More importantly she has a turning point where she can compare before and after. Now this two months may not be a good measuring stick considering the amount of stress we have been under, but it’s something.

    We have had very short discussions / emails about chastity, and this style of relationship over the last month, but only ever if they were initiated by her or questions were raised by her. I am done leading her down this path, and feel like she needs to find her own way. I think we were better off “before” than “after” and I hope she feels the same way, and wants to look at ways to get back to a good place. Whether or not she feels the same way is probably the crux of the matter. One thing is for sure, asking (begging) her to read the mansion or any lifestyle web site, or being impatient with her, or even bringing the idea back up to her just won’t work. I have kind of come to realize that after about 7 months of trying to be patient, and plodding along, I needed her to show an interest, and for her to take ownership of the process. When we left it I basically said, I can put the cage back on anytime she wants, I can slip back into being a submissive doting husband, but only at her insistence.

    So here I wait. I won’t be saying anything to her or asking her directly about her interest, but I have to write about it to get it out. The people here have always been understanding. I doubt she will be signing on to read it here anytime soon, and if she does, than she will understand what I have written, and why I have written it.
     
  2. Mistress Michelle
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    Mistress Michelle Magical Mistress

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    As has been said many times before, it is VERY difficult for a vanilla woman to take to being Dominate let alone do the things that make thier submissive husbands happy. Some can do it, I was one at one point, and I embraced the lifestyle, but for most that is simply not the case. Which, I know, is extremly frustrating for the male. I do know in My case, had it not been for the friends I met very quickly on another site, I wouldnt be here today. Once I got onto the site and started chatting with some subs in the chatroom I learned very quickly. Frankly its easier to understand the whole concept when its coming from someone else other than your husband.
    At least you are a step ahead most men, your wife actually Knows of your desires, which is a wonderful step. Whether or not she will ever become the Domme you want, who knows, but at least youre not hiding a secret.
    She just dosent realize yet that there are really many people here that have issues and problems, lifestyle and vanilla, and that she could make many friends here that may could help her along the way.
    I know you are frustrated, but hopefully one day she will sign on and look around. I wouldnt give up suggesting it if I were you. She may think you have just gotten over your desires and have moved on. So, dont close the door on the idea, once the door is closed, the communication stops, and thats Not Good.

    Mistress Michelle
     
  3. ChasteBr
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    ChasteBr Chaste Married Male

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    Mistress Michelle,

    I always appreciate your remarks. Even if it has been too long since I have read them.

    I should be clear, that we are still talking (although infrequently) about it. I am sure that she is still very clear on my desires. After starting this with her months ago, I promised myself never to lie to her about any of this stuff again, and as a result I have had to answer some difficult questions at points. Anything she asks, to this day, I have answered truthfully (more for myself than for her). She has asked if I want to still be her submissive, I have always said yes. I suspect that she is doing her own "research", and maybe she will find her own way, maybe not. But now, that I am not locked up, not working as hard as humanly possible to overcompensate, and show her how submissive I can be, now that I dint feel this sense of urgency that was never reciprocated, I can be more patient, and let her figure it our for herself, or maybe not.

    I guess the point is, that is was really my problem and not hers. I couldn't be submissive without over compensating, it created a sense of urgency in me, that basically sapped any ability I had to be patient with her. It probably resonates with many people who have been through the same thing, or maybe it doesn't. I am sure that there is a more optimal scenario for dealing with this, but for now this is what works.

    Thanks again Mistress Michelle, it is always appreciated.
     
  4. ChasteBr
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    ChasteBr Chaste Married Male

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    So its been a couple of weeks since I last wrote, and my frustrations kind of came out and so did hers. Sometimes fights are cathartic, and while we had an ugly argument, we also had a long talk making up. She told me that she wants to lock me up again, but that she wants to do it so that she is getting what she wants out of it, and that I am getting what I need out of it. She knows that in the past, she maybe didn’t understand what her responsibilities would be towards me as her submissive, and she wants to be able to be served, but also to be able to be dominate, at least that’s what I kind of got of it. I guess we shall see.. been a few days since then, but I am still hopeful :)
     
  5. Celtic Queen
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    Celtic Queen Senior Member

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    Here's the crux of it in my view. It's the idea of additional responsibility for the husband's submission that creates the barrier and I would say this is massively exacerbated when the wife is not a natural Dominant. I can understand how this could lead to resentment - as in "haven't I got enough on my plate with a full time job, kids etc and now my husband wants me to take charge of everything including him". Add to this the neediness / attention seeking of some subs and you have the basis for quite a significant rift if not handled correctly. I myself am not a natural Dominant. I also have a difficult time understanding my husband's need to submit so much communication is always needed. That said, I have a real problem with being subjected to any kind of controlling behaviour so I take up my Dominance in an almost defensive way. It isn't perfect - there is not the equal power exchange that would make a D/S lifestyle arrangment work but here we are in the real world trying to make it work for us in the context of an otherwise conventional marriage. In some respects, it works extremely well for us - arguments are diffused swiftly and many areas of potential friction are smoothed by this arrangement but it takes work, patience and actually time as well. Our journey is far from complete with this and we learn more as we go along. This lifestyle does evolve rather than coming to it with a set template and a list of demands like any marriage / long term relationship. It would be an interesting academic exercise for us to see how our marriage would work without this dynamic actually.
     
  6. Celtic Queen
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    Celtic Queen Senior Member

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    BTW - your wife did send me a private mail back in August here at the Mansion requesting help and support. I sent her quite a detailed response but heard nothing further.
     
  7. ChasteBr
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    ChasteBr Chaste Married Male

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    Celtic Queen -

    As always, I appreciate your sense and sensibility in these matters. You always help me gain a new perspective on matters and it is appreciated. As for my wife contacting you (and apparently not responding to your comments) all I can say is that this definetly not representative of her normal behavior. In the last 8 weeks we have relocated from Europe to the U.S., traveled across three continents, and both started new jobs. I am quite sure that if anything this was an over site by her, and I am sure whatever you wrote her was appreciated. I know that she is still trying to learn, but of course she is learning at her own pace.

    I hope she gained as much insight from you as I always have from your blog, and your commentary.

    Thanks again :)

    -ChastBr
     
  8. Celtic Queen
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    Celtic Queen Senior Member

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    Thanks ChasteBr, that's very kind of you. I do miss the blog function as I found that it did help to clarify a lot of thinking. Glad you found it of help. Who knows, maybe it'll start up again sometime soon ..........
     
  9. ChasteBr
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    ChasteBr Chaste Married Male

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    I hope the blogs are back soon.. and I hope I am back soon.. and i am not sure exactly which one you mean by "it'll" ;)

    Of course you mean the blog, but a little wishful thinking never hurt anyone.

    To any other women that may or may not have been contacted by my wife.. thank you, for any advice you may have given her... just the fact she contacted you, and that you found the time to respond has lifted my spirits a great deal.

    -ChasteBr
     
  10. ChasteBr
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    ChasteBr Chaste Married Male

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    Another month gone, and still I remain free to my own devices. Oh well. Its actually my birthday soon, and its been a crazy year. This is the year I told her about my desires, told her I want to be her submissive, told her I want to be her slave. Begged her to be mean to me, to torment me.

    It was good to get it all off of my chest, but at times I regret it. When I hid it from her I could always just live in my own fantasy world, and not have any expectations for her, but now that I have shared it with her, I find myself getting frustrated with being free. Wondering why she hasnt decided when to try this out again.

    When we took a break 3 months ago it was supposed to be a break, and she said she was interested in revisiting. Last friday she sent me an email telling me she wants me to be locked up again, and I said we could talk about it friday night. But Friday night came and she didnt feel like talking about anything.

    I am so frustrated that she doesnt want to frustrate me, that I want to SCREAM... oh well.. maybe someday.. thanks for letting me vent.
     
  11. ChasteBr
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    ChasteBr Chaste Married Male

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    After a 4 month break, I am locked up again. I was playing by myself, and she found out. She was "pissed" but she wasnt. I think she was trying to find the right way to start back again.

    Anyway, when after three days, I started snuggeling up on her as we went to bed, she looked me straight in the eye, and said "what you think you get rewarded for playing without me?" Its was probably the most matter of fact "top role" thing she has said in months, and it drove me crazy. She is making more of an effort then she has ever made before. While I constantly crave more, for the last week, she has definetly given me as much as I need. Last night, was the first time ever that she truly teased me. For over an hour, I thought my head would explode, and I can tell she LOVED it. When we made love, she told me not to cum, and well, there was no chance of that.. even though it had only been two days, an hour of teasing, and she could have laid perfectly still, I was still going to shoot off. She had me more turned on then I have ever been in my life.

    What a goddess, my sexy wife.

    The best part is when I talk to her about it, she is listening and understanding more. I tried to tell her before, how things that seem cruel, and rediculous to her, make me feel controlled, and that feelign controlled, and under her thumb is what I crave most. She has made some incremental efforts, but she is still a long way from actually physically hurting me, I think.. we shall see.

    ChasteBr.
     
  12. Sissy_Aline
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    Sissy_Aline Senior Member

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    i am in a bit of a similar situation as far as serving (almost to a fault) and am sometimes chastised for that!

    But back to the reason that we are here. Don't you think that it's more a dynamic for the wearer of the belt and that being you or I? It's almost an amusement to us and that many Dommes simply don't get it (because they wouldn't be involved in wearing something).

    LOVE it though when you have those REAL "top" moments where she is making the call and initiating? As it really should be.

    Maybe she is getting it finally and understanding what you have been suggesting. It's still a challenge in our society being a submissive male to a dominant Lady given what the protocols are for surviving out there (you have to be aggressive and assertive). The fantasies can be locked up in our own heads, in our own homes, or we go out of the road to experience it. Maybe, just maybe, going asking if she would go to a weekend event to experience it would be beneficial. back in the day W/we went to a couples session with a pro-Domme so that She could show my Mistress the ropes (so to speak). It was helpful.

    We're all out there doing our own things. Good thread and thanks for the update on this. Gets me to thinkin' a bit :)

    A
     
  13. ChasteBr
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    ChasteBr Chaste Married Male

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    So after 4 months of being free, we have started playing at this again. Its been a little over a week, and she has let me out twice. Well.. the last time was during a TV show, and she basically teased me until the show as over. NOt once in over 6 months of playing last year, did we interact in any way like that. I couldnt even tell you what was on TV, because 15 minutes into it I was only cognizant of what she was doing, and what she might be doing next. After about 30 minutes, I was pretty much thinking "Oh shit.. I know I begged her to be cruel, but if she doesnt let me cum, I dont know what I am going to do". I really thought that she might not let me cum, I was terrified. But when she was done teasing, and I was told to start pleasing, I could not believe how excited she was.

    I dont know what it was, but I think deep down, she loved the fact that she was "having her way" my hand almost instinctively went to scratch myself during the session and she kind of smacked it away. I have tried to explain to her, that the feeling of her having her way, of doing what she wants simply because she can is almost better then having an orgasm, and she really embraced it.

    I dont know if she is capable of actual denial, or of causing actual pain, I guess we will see, but for now, I feel like she has come further in 10 days towards understanding what I get out of this, then she did in the whole last year, and I love her so much for it.
     
  14. Celtic Queen
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    Celtic Queen Senior Member

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    Sounds like you are getting back in the saddle again :-D
     
  15. ChasteBr
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    ChasteBr Chaste Married Male

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    So.. its been about a month now off and on (with the cage that is).

    The dynamic is definetly different then it was before. I wonder if some of the ladies on here are to be thanked for that :). There are moments of frustration still, but we are definetly communicating better.

    A good example is after about of week of lock up, I was driving home from an errand and she wanted me to pick something else up. It was in the complete opposite direction, and I was nearly home, so she decided i didnt need to get it. When I got home, I asked her, why didnt you have me get it for you? She thought that it would have been mean to send me so far out of the way. For the first time, I looked her straight in the eye, and just told her. "Sometimes I need for you to be mean to me", not that I want her to be mean to be me, but that i need it. That the act of submitting to cruelty at times makes me feel more submissive and more complete. That when I can't have the feeling of an orgasm, I can have the feeling of being submissive as a substitute (and a poor one at that sometimes ;) ).

    Maybe it was a groundbreaking moment, and maybe it wasnt. I am not really sure. But I think it was clear that it wasnt a want, and that it was OK for her to do that. That being mean to me was actually giving in a way.

    I know I should have gone to get it without her asking, and in a way I was being manipulative by coming home first (She did send me out to get it), but I needed her to know that fact. That I crave her sexually, as much as I crave her as a dominant. I might even crave her more as a dominant at times.

    Maybe she will get comfortable with it, and maybe she won't, I can only hope. I dont expect her to go out and buy a cane and nipple clamps just because of this one moment, but who knows what it could grow into.

    ChastBr
     
  16. itiswhatitis
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    itiswhatitis Member

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    Thank you for sharing. My KH is similar. Most of the time I feel like I'm coaching her.
    I look forward to watching your journey unfold.
    Thanks, it is what it is...


    So.. its been about a month now off and on (with the cage that is).

    The dynamic is definetly different then it was before. I wonder if some of the ladies on here are to be thanked for that :). There are moments of frustration still, but we are definetly communicating better.

    A good example is after about of week of lock up, I was driving home from an errand and she wanted me to pick something else up. It was in the complete opposite direction, and I was nearly home, so she decided i didnt need to get it. When I got home, I asked her, why didnt you have me get it for you? She thought that it would have been mean to send me so far out of the way. For the first time, I looked her straight in the eye, and just told her. "Sometimes I need for you to be mean to me", not that I want her to be mean to be me, but that i need it. That the act of submitting to cruelty at times makes me feel more submissive and more complete. That when I can't have the feeling of an orgasm, I can have the feeling of being submissive as a substitute (and a poor one at that sometimes ;) ).

    Maybe it was a groundbreaking moment, and maybe it wasnt. I am not really sure. But I think it was clear that it wasnt a want, and that it was OK for her to do that. That being mean to me was actually giving in a way.

    I know I should have gone to get it without her asking, and in a way I was being manipulative by coming home first (She did send me out to get it), but I needed her to know that fact. That I crave her sexually, as much as I crave her as a dominant. I might even crave her more as a dominant at times.

    Maybe she will get comfortable with it, and maybe she won't, I can only hope. I dont expect her to go out and buy a cane and nipple clamps just because of this one moment, but who knows what it could grow into.

    ChastBr
    [/quote]
     
  17. ChasteBr
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    ChasteBr Chaste Married Male

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    So its been another month. I havent been on here, because i have been simply too busy. Aside from working 60 to 70 hours a week, I am also now responsible for 80 to 90 percent of the housework, and childcare duties.

    At what point do I stop being patient? Thats my current question. She has been distracted recently with some outside factors that I dont want to discuss, but what I can't seem to get through to her, is that she can be dominant without even being physically present.

    Right now, I hate her more than I love her, because the last 3 weeks she has been so passive, that its almost like she is not even in the room. Regardless of what is going on outside of our normal live, and our relationship as a couple, she has just kind of abdicated all responsibility. I have been locked up for 3 straight weeks, without even a hint of getting out. The cumulative amount of "interactions" as a domme and sub may be a grand total of 60 seconds.

    Right now I want to strangle her more than I want to wash her laundry, and yet I still do it. Today I feel like a fucking idiot for even trying this again with her.

    Sorry about the rant, I am just really starting to get frustrated, and running out of ideas.. worse I am staring to just be a surly prick around her, because at least then I know she will notice me, and give me an ever so brief second of her time. I know that this is topping from the bottom, and manipulative, and I feel worse about it afterwards, but the alternative is really just to painful to digest.

    I want to stand up and scream FUCCCCCKKKK as long as I can, hoping that she might actually hear me for once.
     
  18. ChasteBr
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    ChasteBr Chaste Married Male

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    So after my last rant, some things have improved. It took me blowing off some steam hear, to make it so that I could really communicate with her. I am hopeful again. She says she ordered a Whip, but then again, I am not even sure if she knows what to do with it. I am going to buy a couple of toys and give them to her, an see what she says. Should be interesting to say the least... who knows where this will go.

    I have had 2 orgasms in the last 10 weeks, and provided everything I possible can. Most night I sleep 4 or 5 hours a night. The problem is, I think she feels like being actively involved is a reward for me, and not a need for me. When we talked I think I made it clear, that I need for her to read about this, or at least do some of her own research, because I am failing at getting he points across that i need for her to understand.

    Tonight she plucked my facial hair. I mean the stubble along my jaw line. Fuck that hurt, but she is fascinated by how thick some of my hairs are. She knows it turned be on, and she made a point of telling me she did it because she could.

    Sometimes she makes me sit next to her and confess some of my sickest desires, and it turns me on something fierce. I don't think she knows that it is a turn on for me, but just talking with her about any of this leaves me just about ready to break this cage off.

    How do I encourage this without topping from the bottom?

    So today, I am hopeful, but still frustrated. Desperate for some kind of structure, some kind of active lead from her. Its been tough, but sometimes I feel like we kind of emerging from a darker place. I guess we shall see.
     
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