Is this what normally happens ... and what happens next?

sounds like you married my ex wife, from what i've expieienced change is unlikely, but possible

 

Given that she had no interest in sex when you were unlocked, it not likely that will change when you are locked, unless by some miracle your behavior change is so dramatic that it changes her views towards you, but probably not likely. The best you can probably expect is, rather than being unlocked and ignored, you will be locked and ignored, but... if you're going to be ignored anyway, I think it's better to do it locked because then you at least get the constant low level arousal that comes with being locked and not getting orgasms.

 

If you are able to self lock, is that ok with her?
Ask.
Also ask her if she minds if you get a keyholder, then you get your needs and she is out of the situation.
Don’t expect the intimacy though.
Sorry

 

Agree with others. Adding a "kink" into an already strained relationship isn't gonna help that kink. It's likely going to make it worse. I also think that asking your wife if it's ok to find a key holder will also make things worse (hey....we're not having sex...but can I bring someone else into the sexual part of my life?)

 

My thoughts...based on the limited information provided, so I apologies if my read of the situation is wrong. Happy to keep chatting through it as the story unfolds.

--> My question is; how is this going to play out?

You're seeing how that's playing out.

--> Is she ever going to show an interest in sex?

That depends - what is in it for her? If she is currently having sex because you bring it up, she may solely be doing it for you. Consider how you can flip things around.

--> Will she ever get the idea of power play and control?

Likely not with the current approach. If she was having sex before because you wanted it, and she at best didn't get anything out of it, at worse feels used and is resentful, adding a kink won't work. Especially without talking it through and finding an equitable approach that gets her needs and desires met. Can you provide some insight into what you are doing for her that she likes (communication, emotionally, physically)?

--> Am I just going to end up being ignored and very unsexually frustrated?

Think about this question from her perspective and I think you'll have a starting point to consider.

she's likely asking "Am I just going to end up with my needs being ignored and very emotionally frustrated?"

Do you know what she wants, what she needs? Has she been dropping emotional calls/ques to you that you're not picking up? How are you two communicating your broader needs and desires?

 

She might just not want sex that much and not have a better way to tell you.

One question I have is - do you want an FLR, or just more kinky play?

 

yes you discribed it exactly. once we got sex going it was good. But trying to get her to go was near impossible. I did convince her to try femdom and she was a great domme. She could be quite cruel, but perhaps she just didn't like me or it, so it was anger not dominace. She cucked me with no thought or regard for my feelings. One day i went to work..... when i came home her the kid and everything meaningful were gone. Much like you hardly any sex but we got along. Heads up , marriages are not rare, the man stays out of fear of loss for everything her values including her. If you seek elsewhere and get caught it is the end of the world as we know it . Whack on......it's cheaper

 

Maybe you need to increase your communication with your wife about your feelings. The only way forward is to talk about it. I would not prioritize the chastity discussion, but focus on the relationship and repairing your romantic life first and foremost.

 

Is this a new thing? Not the chastity. The lack of sexual desire?

If you had a good sexual relationship prior than it isn’t unrealistic that you may turn this around. Chastity could play a part in that. You’d have to explain that it’s more than just for sexual needs, it also plays into your behaviour outside of the bedroom.
If she thinks the chastity device is horrible, is it just the one you are wearing? Would there be one she is more comfortable with?

There was a time when my wife said she hated the chastity cage. Once she’d picked one herself and seen the benefits in other areas of our life… well let’s say she rarely allows me out these days. It’s a journey with difficulties and false starts along the way.

If she doesn’t want to lead in your relationship and you still want chastity you could just have her hold the keys until she is ready for intimacy. Whether that’s full intercourse or not. If your left for a very long time (and it could be) it may make her appreciate that the lack of sexual activity is in some way her responsibility. This may make her take action. As much as it may be difficult for her to initiate the situation, it’s also a difficult situation for you; instigating sex when you feel she has no desire. Nobody is satisfied in those circumstances. She may see in the time your locked how much better for her you become… or…

If her interest in sex is and always has been so far adrift from your own, I would question why you got married in the first place?
Personally, I’d say a healthy sex life is integral to a happy marriage. Whether that’s having sex frequently, both being completely comfortable without or anywhere in between. You should both be on the same page when it comes to intimacy.

 

Very sorry to hear this.... What to do.

Ask her why. Be kind, and do your best to get an answer.

Ask if your interest in kink or chastity makes her disinclination worse or better.

Ask what you can do to (in the marriage) to address her "why" reasons.

Ask her if she would join you for Couples/Marriage counseling to help you better address her needs in the marriage.

In a non-chastity vanilla marriage, having intercourse less than twelve times per year is considered problematic, and a sign of stress in the marriage. You don't need to fix this alone, seek professional consultation. If she declines to join you for counseling, consider individual counseling as a tool to get some perspective on your experience from a third party.

Kink is fun, but marriages are work, and showing up is not always enough, sometimes a bit of job training is required.

Good Luck, and take your marriage seriously.

ShieldingMatrix

 

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I think you need to have a good long talk with your wife and discuss it with her.

 

OMG - Exactly what I was going to comment.

 

My OH is not that sex driven, the menopause has seen to that , however we do have regular play sessions where she does dress in wet.look outfits and indulges my need for nipple play and cock play. I/ we had built up a good collection of nipple clamps, cock and ball toys etc. About 6 months ago i blurted out that i wanted a cock cage. She didnt.outwardly.object so i bought a cheap plastic one. She didnt like it and i abandoned all hope of full time chastity but we did agree i could wear it on play days. To cut a long story short thats what we did and bit by bit she began to accept.my latest kink. I have recently bought a metal cage which is way more comfortable and wear it for at least part of every day. She is becoming more accepting and in the last week we have had several nipple play sessions whilst i have remained locked. The other night i even declined her releasing.me as i wasnt ready.
My point is we dont have conventional intercourse, im.not sure that i want to any.more but bit by bit she is accepting and participating in my chastity and other kinks and i can.live with that

 

Hello, sexual relationships are complicated, who gets to choose when and where is usually the male, change this with chastity and the dynamic changes, if she never desires sex you’ve lost already, but tell her your desires for her have driven you to porn and self gratification and her control over you is badly needed… see how that works. It might be the answer. Good luck.

 

@subservientandrew Your situation is nearly identical to mine. My wife is not interested in sex, sexual play, foreplay or anything until out of the blue she wants it but this is like once or twice a year if I'm lucky. She's not interested in chastity devices and doesn't want me wearing one even for myself.

I'm sorry I can't tell you how this is going to play out as I'm still looking to find out for myself. I hope to read something positive from you soon.

 

So, why do you think your wife enjoyed sex the times she agreed to it? Did you feel an orgasm, or did she make noises you assumed were an orgasm, or did she verbally agree that she’d had one later on when you asked? Something else?

Your wife could be asexual: someone who simply doesn’t feel sexual attraction despite being capable of having, or even enjoying, sex. There are different forms of attraction - romantic, sensual, aesthetic, etc. - perhaps your wife is more of a romantic or a sensualist than she is a sexually-motivated person.

(I have a friend who is a sensualist, and her ex-fiancé harassed her to the point of risking the end of the relationship over it. Another friend helped her find someone else who could accept her as she was, and their relationship is a pretty textbook case of how neurodiverse people can learn to honor each other in a relationship. But I digress.)

Sidestepping sex, what does your wife actually enjoy from you, when it comes to companionship? What is her primary love language, and how does she react when you use it with her?

How badly do you want to find out early? Have you considered:

• seeing a sex-positive or kink-friendly therapist? The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) has a Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) list: https://www.kapprofessionals.org/business-directory-2/
  
  
• sexuality, sensuality, or kink classes? Pre-pandemic there were sexuality and kink organizations (not all in larger cities, either) that would host classes, lectures, and workshops on various topics; but even then there were organizations online that would sell enrollment to either live classes or pre-recorded educational videos.
  
  Since the pandemic more sexuality educators have hosted classes online, so there are options.
  
  I've noticed that women-owned sex shops also have a higher likelihood of hosting sexuality educator's classes after hours.
  
  (At one class on fellatio that I attended with a (now ex) partner, I noticed that when another attendee talked about what he liked, it's as though it sparked my then-partner's memory and he'd heartily agree to liking something that he'd never discussed with me.
  
  (Out of pure curiosity, a partner and I once took a class on kissing / making-out at Babeland, and - like with my other partner - this class reconnected me with the idea of building arousal: particularly the sex flush.)

There are options, if you're as willing to look into them as you want your wife to be willing to consider chastity with you.

Has she ever? Depending on her age and the answer to that question, I think the more important query is: are you willing to adjust if she never shows an interest in sex?

Some people aren't kinky, don't enjoy power play, or don't enjoy wielding that sort of power over another person. Other people get off on it, but don't want to acknowledge it (which leads to the dangers of not wanting to negotiate it or research safety and consent).

Given what you know of your wife and what she enjoys, what would she get out of a D/s relationship with you?

Given what you described, I think so ... if you keep fixating exclusively on the sex bit.

 

Do you know what happens when you ask someone if they want to do something? You get the answer. My wife does this all the time. Do I want to go to her family’s place, do I want go to the store with her, do I want to watch blue bloods with her…no. The correct question is “Would you?” And it’s yes all day long.

If something isn’t in someone’s comfort zone, or something they aren’t into, when asked if the want to do something they will say no thanks, never, I don’t like that, or something similar. If you ask if the would do something for you that isn’t in their comfort zone, they will think before answering. The answer might be a yes but, might be a maybe but, it might be a no but if, or something similar. They may need for you to understand that this isn’t something they are into and aren’t promising to do it all the time, but will give it a try as long as you know this.

People who love each other are very giving in nature, and even adventurous if asked as a favor. This means that although she may give something a try, it may something she isn’t willing to keep doing or willing to participate in.

So instead of making this about her or you as a couple…be honest and say this is something important to you that you are asking her to please help you experience. And it is about you. Being locked in chastity certainly isn’t always easy, but this lifestyle is certainly a big responsibility for her in general. When she holds your key she is agreeing to take charge of your sexual happiness. Right now due to her lack of need, you are the one responsible for your sexual gratification. This puts everything on her, and not acknowledging that is neglecting the work and effort being in charge of someone’s well being is.

So, as far as her being a key holder…will she ever be into it…probably not. But will she ever do you this favor if you explain how important this is to you and ask her to do this for you…maybe.

As far as her not wanting sex…there are so many variables that could part of that, there is no way to go through them all here. Just know that women are different from men, especially in our ability to separate sex from everything else. Little things like needing to remind you of something, something that you haven’t gotten to yet, putting an almost empty half and half container back in the fridge, bitchy coworker, not enough sleep, can’t remember if she put clothes in the dryer, does it smell down there, if she looks fat when she takes clothes off, if she needs to stop to get gas in the morning…etc etc, any of life’s nagging little details can make sex not only not on her mind, but downright impossible. We on the other hand can shut it all out and focus on our privates till it’s over.

 

Sounds like you are coming at it from the perspective of it being something you want.

But as others have said - what's she getting out of it? I think maybe you need to see things more from her side; I wouldn't be surprised if there were other issues that maybe need addressing first, if she's so anti this, but I don't presume to know your situation.

Good luck brother!

 

I can relate to your dilemma as I am a similar one. I am not able to express any of my kinks to my wife and now live in a sexless marriage. Some of this is due to getting older and menopause. In an odd way I now get aroused by this denial. Would enjoyed becoming locked up with her support but do not think that will happen. In the meantime I continue to find a better way for us to communicate and search for why this has happened.