Feel like Commitment is violated

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Mistress Shar, Sep 26, 2010.

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  1. Mistress Shar
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    Mistress Shar Mistress Shar

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    I am in a dilemma. My sub husband and I took a wonderful journey this summer into the sub/dom realm. We discovered new facets of each other and became extremely close being totally honest and upfront, no secrets. I felt we were never closer before. We are (were) totally comitted to each other only. He knows my exppectations of him etc. I have him caged and locked although, at this point, he has the key in good faith as he is working away.

    I know it was not appropriate of me, but I got into his email. He emailed asking for passwords that were stored in the computer and I thought perhaps 1 was his and it was. I NEVER thought I'd find anything. He did tell me about an old GF that looked him up and asked if he should correspond. I thought it was O.K. In his email, is a separate folder for her with all their emails, 40 in about the span of a week. Starts out well enough then he decides to get sexual and prompts her to share intamicies with her stating that nobody else will ever know. He gets very explicit with sharing the sexual aspect of our relationship and asks questions of her that are, in my mind, not apporpriate. He calls her his Soul mate although he tells me this is only to get her to confide more in him. He says there was absolutely nothing wrong with this.

    This is very upsetting for me as I feel like I have been betrayed and that our comittment to each other has been violated. I am in shock, to be quite honest. I am wondering if my feelings are valid or am I "overreacting and reaching an all new low" as he says.:(
     
  2. ladylionzsissy
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    ladylionzsissy male chastity sissymaid

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    i feel it's inappropriate to say to anyone they're overreacting and so on. i feel it's more beneficial to discuss the purpose and intent of the Emails rather than accepting the a statement that he knows your feelings and how you would react. so, communication is my recommendation!
     
  3. mikecb
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    mikecb Long term member

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    Well, it strikes me that he's either lying to her, or lying to you. Either way he's lying. Dishonesty is not an attractive characteristic in a partner. Lying to a friend to get titillating information from her makes him a bad friend, and an ass. If he's lying to YOU about her feelings for this other person, that's even more detrimental to your relationship.

    I think he needs to be called to the carpet for behavior that anyone would find undesirable in a mate.

    mikecb
     
  4. cockislocked
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    cockislocked Senior Member

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    This post has been sent with the permission of my Mistress:


    i am sorry to hear that You have such a problem to deal with. i do not think it was inappropriate of You to view his email account. he is Your sub? my Mistress has access to all and every from of communication i make. In fact, from what You have discovered, it was very much a needed intervention.... i agree with Mikecb, he is doing the wrong things in all respects and i don't believe You are over reacting.

    It is going to take a serious and deep amount of communication to express Your feelings to him and he is going to have to explain himself.

    i have had a similar experience.... i had a very clingy ex girlfriend and long story short i tried to protect my Mistress from the problems the ex was causing me and i lied to Her about a SMS (text) message that i had been sent. This is where the issues lie...

    i was genuinely dealing with the ex GF problem and getting rid of her and Mistress (in my opinion) didn't need to know, it was just trivial and i didn't want to bother Her with the details.(this was also before our relationship was a fully developed FLR btw)

    What i should have done is told Her that the EX was in touch and that i had replied and fully informed Her of all aspects of what was going on. i now know how stupid i was, it nearly cost me my relationship. Long story short.. in the end Mistress contacted the ex GF, understood i was not actually lying about the facts and that i had really tried to protect Her from the problem. Suffice to say it now means i can talk to Her about anything, communication is the answer....
     
  5. Mistress Shar
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    Mistress Shar Mistress Shar

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    I thank you all for your thoughts. I am not sure where to go with this yet as i still can't get my head around it all. :-(

     
  6. Burger_01
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    Burger_01 Chastity Geek

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    I'll chime in too, with my own opinion.

    He has betrayed your trust, and in a small way you have his too. You trusted him to correspond with this ex in a sensible friendly way, and he believed those emails would be kept private.

    HOWEVER, there is an interstellar difference in the level of trust that's being broken here. He should have certainly at least asked you if he could share details of your intimate relationship with another person, and to not do that is (IMHO of course) extremely rude. If his best explanation for the emails is that he wants to get more detail out of her about her sex life, that to my mind would be unacceptable. What should he care about her sex life? He should be more interested in your sex life!

    I hope you can discuss this with him and get him to at least acknowledge that what he has been doing is very wrong. From there? who knows. Maybe this is him crying out for you to take the key and make him your sub. Maybe you have a real relationship issue to deal with first.

    I hope it pans out well for you, best of luck.
     
  7. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    I don't think you over reacted.

    The only thing I can liken this to is "porn gate" in my house. I accidentally found a HUUUUGEEEE amount of porn on pet's computer (there was some software that found all the pictures on the PC and put them in a folder... I was trying to find all our family photos. What a shock!)

    Although that is nowhere near your situation (real people vs fantasy photos) I still felt completely betrayed and was upset and mistrusting for an awful long time.

    All I can say is that chastity does very funny things to men. Their mind goes off on a completely different tangent, and usually that is focused on You/Me. Unfortunately during this quite sensitive time for them, I do think they are open to doing things they previously wouldn't have contemplated, as a form of release.

    I don't agree with what he did, and I understand what you did (it's how I found out my ex-husband was having an affair) but I think no physical boundaries have been crossed, and with a lot of discussion as to WHY he felt it was necessary to do this, you should hopefully be able to repair any emotional damage.

    Please stay in touch and let us know how you handle it. *hugs*
     
  8. Mistress Shar
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    Mistress Shar Mistress Shar

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    He's not up for discussion on the matter at all. He figures I have a deeper, emotional problem and I need to see a professional about it and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with his actions. He thinks I should just be able to let it go and get over it. I plan on seeing my family Dr. this week. Not sure what else to do.
     
  9. lockednloaded
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    lockednloaded Senior Member

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    I mean no offence to either you or your partner here, but when I read that it just screamed classic "pressure deflection" due to guilt.

    Turning the spotlight on the other person is a classic trait of guilt and not a very nice one at that.

    Like I said, I mean no offence but I've got a lot of experience in this area so I just thought I'd chime in. :)
     
  10. cockislocked
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    cockislocked Senior Member

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    ??? You have the emotional problem??? I'll say... You feel emotional because Your husband has lied and cheated on you. HE is the issue here and he is being totally manipulative trying to make You feel You're in the wrong for something he did!! i can't believe his audacity.

    Trying to blame You is classic projection.... You don't have to have had sex with someone to commit adultery, just thinking about it is the same thing.

    He has the problem. Not You, from what You have told us here.

    How would he feel if the situation was reversed? Would he be off to the doctor to solve his emotional problem? Of course he wouldn't.

    i suggest you force him to attend the appointment too, desrcibe the situation and see which side the doctor will inevitably take (even though they try very hard not to, they are still human and can see what is what, the doctors body language will give it all away...)

    Your husband needs a big time reality check.


     
  11. mikecb
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    mikecb Long term member

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    I agree with what's been said above. Given what you've told us there's no way your husband is in the clear on this one. He's turning thing around and trying to put YOU on the defensive for his actions.

    mikecb
     
  12. MissAlockedboictoy
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    MissAlockedboictoy New member

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    ill chime in as well ... the above locked guys have it spot on ... it seems the deflection is apparent .. typical as well ... sorry to hear you have to go through this .. it probably would be good to get some couple counseling with a kink friendly therapist ... other than that more communication about feelings regarding this could be good ... as in " I "messages.. example .. I feel hurt when you hide things from me /lie to me/ I messages tend to keep the make wrong out of communication and help to open way for the other person to hear the feeling rather than be blamed for it ...
    lockedboictoy
     
  13. Celtic Queen
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    Celtic Queen Senior Member

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    Forgive me for being blunt here but your sub hub is taking the piss and his dismissive approach to you and the issue in hand totally lacks respect for your and your power exchange agreement. If you are serious about maintaining the status quo (you Domme, he as sub) take the key off him immediately and provide him with one numbered lock per day when he is away. He should then send you a picture with the corresponding lock every day with a timestamp (ie next to a watch etc). Giving him a key is relinquishing control and ownership.

    Before you do this though, I strongly recommend you invest in a nice, flat sided wooden hairbrush and tell him to strip and then bend the offending sub over your knee. Then paddle his backside until he safewords out and you begin to feel better about the situation. It's significantly cheaper than therapy and will get the power balance back to where is was. Don't discuss this with him, just do it and communicate about it later. You're the Domme - take control or lose the momentum - the choice and responsibility is absolutely down to you so don't fall at this first challenge. Let us know how you get on!
     
  14. ms-laurel
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    ms-laurel Junior Member

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    I so agree with what you are saying here....He is trying to flip the script..deflect his guilt and by taking charge you will let him know that this does not work, this behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated!! In my experience, once the sub believes he has some type of control he will take every advantage of that and when caught in the 'act' whatever that may be he will lie like the dog that he is to get out of it even if it means demeaning you. And you, Superior Mistress, do not deserve that for one minute!!! "Oh the tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive". Don't question yourself, don't allow him to have your power, please. {{{big cyber hugs}}} Keep us posted you are in my thoughts. Ms. Laurel
     
  15. Aniyan
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    Aniyan Member

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    The rule of thumb is that when a couple runs into difficulty, BOTH should see a counselor/therapist. If only one goes. changes achieved in one will only unbalance the relationship futher. ...So he says you need to see someone. GOOD! Ask him to come along. Never mind that he puts it all on you. That will get sorted out quickly. Hopefully you know of a DS-positive therapist.

    Second, this is violation of a trust plain and simple, for all the reasons already mentioned. No games is my suggestion. Give him his key, tell him all bets are off until the two of you sort this out.

    I guess what troubles me is his need to engage in sexual banter with someone other than you. It suggests that you, and the relationship you two have had, doesn't come first. If not ...then of course you don't want the relationship; that's the sad reality. The problem is between you, but something he is perpetrating. Why???? That's for a therapist.... I'm very sorry for you both. May you achieve resolution.

    --Aniyan
     
  16. Mistress Shar
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    Mistress Shar Mistress Shar

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    Thank you all for your thoughts, they are very valid and seem to confirm my thinking, I certainly needed that! I was beginning to question myself.

    I have decided that our sexual escapades are at a halt now until my husband returns home; I just don't feel like I can give of myself in that way yet (no sub/Dom emails, etc).

    My husband has agreed to counseling; we'll start that as a couple upon his return. For now, I have already started. For $125 a session, I think I chose the wrong career!! :)

    I am hoping that this issue can be resolved in a positive way and the counseling will help not only me, but my husband as well, understand what has happened. It kinda feels like I have put things on the back burner but I think an issue like this cannot be resolved via email, it needs to be person to person. Emails sometimes only enhance the anxiety.

    On the lighter Dom side, I would love to go into the woods and find a big stick with lots of splinters...maybe a rusty nail?? LOL! Seriously, just joking. The dog house will have lots of nails anyways! :)
     
  17. Mistress Shar
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    Mistress Shar Mistress Shar

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    The therapist I found has been in the business for many years but it is 1st time exposed to male chastity. He seemed very open and accepting as, I am sure, he has experienced many things!

    You are right on the no game thing, I am just not into it right now. Guess that happened naturally, huh?

    Your last paragraph expresses my thoughts/confusions/doubts quite well... I am anxious for the therapist to work with us both.

    Thank you!


     
  18. cockislocked
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    cockislocked Senior Member

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    Best of luck to You. i am sure You are in the thoughts of us all for a positive out come
     
  19. Sir in chastity
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    Sir in chastity Junior Member

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    I think a lot has been said here and I am glad to see that both of you are going to see a therapist at some point. I totally agree that it won't help your relationship unless both go.

    He is deflecting but he too feels violated. Just as he has violated your trust, he feels as though you have violated his personal space. He may think you violated trust, but IMHO, it was personal space not trust. Ask your therapist. Your husband owns most of the blame here, he should have been clear on his relationship with the ex, or in a mono relationship, never gone there. While he was open about the contact withnthe ex, he was not open about the nature of things and his feelings. Now, depending upon your relationship arrangements, that is either easy or very complex. In an open relationship there are many variable and levels of shared information. If I am correct, yours is a monogamous relationship so he appears to have had an emotional affair.

    It is a journey and never perfect. A good relationship never has a problem, a great one requires the partners work together through problems. Best of luck to both of you!
     
  20. Miss Foxy
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    Miss Foxy The good wife

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    WHAT :eek:

    I almost can't believe my eyes!
    I'm so glad your'e started counselling, and I sincerly hope it will do you both good.

    I do believe that he didn't mean to hurt you by his corresponding with this woman - but he did!!!!!!!! (I would have been too)
    How selfish can he be - and since this was the first time you'd ever hear about this - he probably kept it from you very deliberately.

    We have tried similar things in our relationship - it hurts, and breaks the trust between you.
    And even though my husbond have told me a thousand times by now - that it didn't have anything to do with us/me - it still hurt me very very badly.

    He needs to grow up!!!!!
    When you become an adult you have to make choices - and that means that you have to refuse/say no to a lot of other things - even though they might seem nice.
    What would he say if you just spent all of your money and even more on "silly things" that you just felt like would be nice to have?!?!....... but you probably don't do this, because you know that even though it would be nice, you need to save the money for food, rent ect.
    It's the same in a relationship - the "price" ou pay for that special other - is saying no to the rest.

    And why is he interested in her and her sexuality in the first place?!? - the only sexuality i should take any interest in, is the sex that concerns you and your relationship.

    Best wishes
    Miss Foxy
     
  21. Her Dividend
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    Her Dividend Junior Member

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    I think it is perfectly natural for long time marrieds to be interested in other people and a bit of sexual flirtation and innuendo. The problem is that these impulses strike against our traditional notions of marriage and lifelong monogamy. If you try to understand his actions, and if you make him feel that he can be open and honest with you, then I think you will get good results. You might consider giving him some freedom and boundaries in this regard, this way you end up exercising control while showing that you are not threatened or made jealous by his actions.

    I'm not sure that clamping down, making judgments, and using words like "betrayal" will help you move on and grow closer to one another.

    Part of being married in a real way is learning who the other person is, accepting that, and working with it. The key is to expand boundaries within acceptable limits, and to show your husband that you are secure with him and understanding of his impulses.

    I would not place too much faith in counseling, but it might be a good way to help each party see things in their own blindspot -- and to better understand how that blindspot affects the other person.

    All this comes from the liberal book of marriage, but it seems to me a liberal attitude with elements of D/S could really strengthen your relationship -- because your husband might feel a sense of freedom that you are giving him -- but also he'll know that you are his key holder and dominant -- elements that will give you a true proprietary interest over him, such that he may feel and explore the temptation to connect with others but be truly bounded to you at the same time.
     
  22. scotty1
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    scotty1 Member

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    I agree with Miss foxy i would never ever go down this path my self. should my mistress discover something like this i damn shure wouldnt want to have that LESSON!!! or even worse loosing my mistress. i hate lessens, Mistress hates lessens,so we have few. i feel when you transfer power you better not have skelatens in the closet. the sub had better come clean at the time of transfer.and privacy on the computer for the sub i dont think so. my computer is open to my Mistress and She does use it from time to time. my Mistress would never put up with a lier that is the worst infraction i could make, in turn She would never lie to me either. i trust her with life&soel .two years ago i taunted Her it took her a few days to cool off. and on that day She came home, as soon as she walked through the door instructed me to remove my clothes and put on the cuffs then i was on the living room floor hogtied for three hours, and 15min of each hour she used my dress belt on me. that is a LESSEN. i like pain but not like that. and neither one of us enjoyed it. it hurt me to put her through that.
     
  23. Slave_Scott
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    Slave_Scott Owned and Controlled By Mistress Shar

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    I think that was very well said, As they were both in the wrong they should sit down and work out thier boundries and even put them in thier contract if they have one.
     
  24. slave_nemo
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    slave_nemo slave to Mistress Ivey

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    Mistress Shar,
    If I may, I was once a Master. I had a slave who had supposedly cut off communication with an online Master she knew before me. Long story short, I read an email (she game me password in the interest of 'trust') she wrote to him. She had been telling him things that I thought should be private. In the end, I took my collar back and left. We were not married, so it was much easier for me to do that, but in your case (as in mine) he is the one who has betrayed your trust.

    I can't tell you how best to deal with that, but I do think he has "some splainin' to do".

    Best wishes to you. I hope you can both work it out.
     
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