Improving O/our marriage by putting myself into chastity

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  1. Dsbes
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    Dsbes Member

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    Hello Ma’ams, Sirs and subs,

    TL DR
    i’m concerned about telling my vanilla Wife i put myself into chastity but i’m afraid She’ll find out before i tell Her.

    Background
    My wife and i have been married for 12 years now. W/we were both virgins when W/we married after college.

    i had Girlfriends in high school and college before Her. i didn’t masturbate or look at porn till college. When i found hypno Femdom , i found my kink.

    She only had 1 boyfriend before me and very little experience.

    O/our marriage has been good even with challenges. W/we’ved moved across America north to south and east to west, overseas and back again due to my job in the military. She has been incredible through multiple deployments. Covid has been tough on U/us as W/we are medical providers. ive never cheated nor have interest in any other Woman or man. i don’t think She has cheated (though whatever She wants i’d support).

    When i shared my hypno kink years ago, She wasn’t interested. i’m sure i didn’t tell Her in a good way. She shared vanilla videos (m/F missionary, doggy style, Woman on top) that W/we emulated and She enjoyed. 3ish years ago, She offered to put Her finger in my butt and i wasnt interested/too ashamed at the time to experiment.

    W/we have 2 great kids (7b+3g). my Wife was a competitive weightlifter before kids and She struggled with post pardum and body image issues since. When i try to put Her on a pedastal (calling Her Goddess, telling Her how sexy She is) Her insecurities come out and She shuts down. W/we were last intimate earlier this month when i made her orgasm manually but W/we haven’t had sex in a month or two.

    Earlier this month i found out about FLR. I’m very interested and I’m trying to implement some non-sexual FLR aspects to O/our relationship (I.e. briefing Her on the budget and waiting Her approval). 5 days ago i bought and started using a butt plug at home. 3 days ago i bought a chastity cage and wear it at work (tough to find one that hides under the uniform). i feel so much more focused on Her when i use these items. To me these are tools to remind me She is in charge but i don’t think She’ll feel the same way.

    i intend to tell Her in a month by asking how She feels O/our relationship has been this year vs this month. If She feels it’s improved this month ill introduce Her to FLR then the butt plug then the chastity device. If She doesn’t notice any improvement in my behavior/Oour relationship ill probably dispose of the toys because She is more important to me than my kink.


    If needed, ill be happy to give more details.

    Any guidance even just to a different community page would be appreciated. Thank you for Your time Ma’ams, Sirs and subs.

    Take care,
    Her willing servant
     
  2. King Hippo
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    King Hippo Long term member

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    Just is just my short take on it...

    Don't present it as what you want to do, present it as why you think it could help. If she isn't interested, don't push it... you have a family that comes first and this was just an idea that could make your dynamic better. All good.
     
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  3. Dsbes
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    Dsbes Member

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    Really appreciate the perspective.
     
  4. enslavedbyc
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    enslavedbyc Junior Member

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    How about presenting it as something that could be fun! It’s easier to sell “fun”, than all of the dubious relationship improvements that many are constantly trying to convince their partners will happen (even if those improvements may be true). Fun is a valid goal in a relationship! Plus at this point she may have her own fun ideas.
     
  5. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    I’m just wondering, is your plan to wear the chastity cage at work in secret before removing it before you get home? As I’m not sure for real purposes that’s going to help your behaviour while at home… unless you have a chronic masturbation issue while you’re in the job that we don’t know about!

    I personally think this journey would be better shared together from the start.
    Find out the benefits chastity provides and discuss them. It’s more than a kink. Yes you’ll be truly devoted to just her, but It can enhance your life in and out of your relationship.
     
  6. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    #6 IB-Chaste, Jul 22, 2022
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2022
    although I also agree that this could be a way in.

    edit: on consideration, I’m not sure pitching that you need more fun in your sex life is something she may be open to at the current time.
     
  7. enslavedbyc
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    enslavedbyc Junior Member

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    Seeking fun in the relationship is what has gotten us through every up, down, busy, and stressful point in our relationship. But we’ve only been at this for 40 years. We’re both still learning. Seriously If you can’t at least seek fun in the relationship you might as well “throw in the towel”.
     
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  8. SubDee
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    SubDee Long term member

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    i think many here at the mansion have experienced similar.

    I only learned of chastity and FLR early this year.
    I wanted to jump in at 100mph of course, but I tried to calm myself and introduce it in such a way where the benefits for her would lead to a lot more.
    She has taken to it pretty well. I’m sure a lot of guys here would be envious of how dominant She has become in such a short amount of time.
    There really are so many bumps in the road though and it’s all about how the couple navigates those bumps. They come early and often for most.

    The key is patience. Your wife will love you locked. I truly believe every woman would love to have their man locked, they just don’t know it yet.
    I told my Wife that I masturbated a lot and was less productive because of it.
    She knows that I’m a machine when it comes to getting stuff done in and around the house (as a lot of males are) but she also didn’t see that side of me much.
    I had been using the machine part of me at work and by the time I get a day off I might complete one small task at home and then jerk off and take a nap till the Wife or kids came home.
    So I sold it to her by telling her that by denying me orgasms, I would be forced to find a different outlet for that energy.
    Undoubtedly, Her, the house, and the kids would be the beneficiaries of this energy having to be placed somewhere else.
    I believed it so it was easy for me to get her to, if not believe it, at least give it a shot.
    She agreed, and it has played out pretty well.
    She could immediately tell the difference between me, vs me in chastity.
    It is very obvious which me is better, lol.

    I’d say, drop some subtle hints that these devices interest you. Do you play with any toys as a couple now, even a vibrator or something?
    If so, it’s easy to introduce this cage toy. Sell it as something you want to play with just for an intimate evening.
    You don’t have to tell her right off the rip that you want to be caged 24/7, whipped, pegged, led around on a leash, peed on, etc… It seems you know that though.
    Get to that stuff later, she might even get to some of it on her own when she realizes that she loves having this control over your sex and it has made you both so much happier.
    You just have to get the cage in the arena, once you do that, more than likely she’ll realize that she likes you in the cage.
    A bit later, “hey honey, I didn’t realize that this is actually a lifestyle for a lot of people, not just a toy”

    I don’t know your Godess, but I think you introduce chastity before butt plugs. It sounds like she may not even be familiar with chastity, but she likely has seen or heard of a butt plug and probably formed an opinion on them.

    You seem like you are doing it right though. Some of the best advice I’ve seen on this site is, “if you want your Partner to lead/Dom, be submissive”.
    It seems like that’s your approach and it’s a good one.
    It’s all about getting that cage in the arena, like I said. That is the magic moment that will dictate the path.
    It needs to be done gently. As long as you can avoid a hard NO, the opening is there.

    There is also a book by Key Barrett called “Locked in Love”
    It’s designed to be used by couples together and this guy does an amazing job spelling out the reasons why chastity is amazing. But he does it in such a classy and tasteful way. Many of the other popular authors on the subject cannot write like him. It doesn’t feel dirty, or even kinky. I think that would be a great introduction for a vanilla couple.
    He has another book too about setting up an FLR, “Surrender, Submit, and Serve Her”
    Same deal, amazingly written in such a tactful way.
     
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  9. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    Oh no. I completely agree with what your saying. Chastity will be a whole lot of fun when it’s working for them. I was just trying to consider the whole story as I read it.
    To suggest fun at this stage when there are already factors driving down sexual interest… that might seem a little insensitive. Suppose it’s how it’s phrased, but i think this guy should look into ways to help his wife want him more.
    I didn’t read anything about what he had done to make things more fun to begin with…
    from what I’m reading I’m thinking the thought pattern is:
    “Things aren’t working here, I’m going to lock myself up that will make me focus on her”
    But that’s probably not the whole story, we’re probably missing the details.
    In my relationship when things are stressful or bad I’d offer a massage and compliment my wife on her body etc as I was doing it. Whether it lead to sex or not was irrelevant as we were still intimate with each other….
    It usually lead to sex. Not so much now!
     
  10. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    I love that you had the same problem as me when it comes to housework while alone. Life before:
    Get up. Slack off for an hour. Do a task. Watch some porn. Maybe do something else. Wash the pots while watching porn. Masturbate. Slack off completely. One hour before she came home. Rush around and make yourself look as productive as possible!!
     
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  11. SubDee
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    SubDee Long term member

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    Haha, hilarious….especially the last line described me perfectly!
     
  12. spider203
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    spider203 Long term member

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    Hi just my two cents and I was In the same situation where our sex life was a lot of work then and to fix this I came up with more and more ideas, which only added to the problems so what I came up with was no mention of male chastity no talk of FLR, but what I did say no sex just both of us naked and hold each other and if she had an orgasm great if not maybe next time not the end of the world but I did not want to orgasm to show her that I don’t just want her just to have sex . It was my thinking that she was only having sex just for me and trying to introduce male chastity and FLR would be seen as your fetish and she will not be able to see what is in for her no matter what you tell her.
     
  13. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    Yeah, this sounds good. We did something similar. Basically, a dynamic called Devotional Sex (http://www.devotionalsex.com)

    Devotional Sex is when HE commits to:

    K1: having far fewer ejaculations than he used to, and letting her (or their agreed Spell) decide when he does so,

    K2: taking primary responsibility for keeping his erotic energy under control,

    K3: fulfilling all her sexual and sensual wishes (within what he is willing to do), and

    K4: openly and honestly communicating with her on all aspects of this lifestyle,
    whilst SHE commits to:

    P1: using the control he has given her to enhance HER sexual, sensual and intimate life,

    P2: enhance HIS sexual and intimate life so that he is equally happy,

    P3: always respect his arousal and to use his erotic energy to enhance the relationship, and

    P4: not having him ejaculate at most Sessions.

    This puts your sexuality in her hands (literally) and puts the focus on her, doing what she wants, but she is also committed to keeping you happy. She chooses, though, how to do that and when (within what you are willing to do). No devices needed, worry about kink/fetish conversation it's a pretty natural dynamic that is easy to explain, for her to wrap her head around and to get into.
     
  14. spider203
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    spider203 Long term member

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    Cool I was doing something that was out there and it just made sense and it helped us get somewhere we were years ago.
     
  15. Lexi James
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    Lexi James Mrs. James
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    My situation is similar, but I’m on the female side of my husband sharing his kink & desire for flr & chastity. I don’t think I would have been okay with it if he went and bought the butt plug & cage without talking to me about it first. I still have reservations about chastity even though we have had many in-depth conversations about it all. I would suggest speaking with her sooner rather than later about it all.
     
  16. Dsbes
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    Dsbes Member

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    Hello Ma’am,

    Really appreciate Your perspective. my Wife is an LCSW and i was lucky enough to find an article https://www.momjunction.com/articles/female-led-relationship_00596077/ by an lcsw that’s opening our conversation. Thank You for Your guidance Ma’am.
     
  17. Dsbes
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    Dsbes Member

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    Thx for sharing the link. With my Wife and i it more O/our relationship since deployment rather than O/our sex life. ill look this info over more later but really appreciate your brain power and experience.
     
  18. Dsbes
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    Dsbes Member

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    Sounds like a powerful experience for you 2, a good way to dissociate sex and orgasm. So far the conversation with my Wife Wwere focusing on the relationship part of the flr not the sexual implications.
     
  19. Dsbes
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    Dsbes Member

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    Thanks for sharing the years of experience. i really hope She and i will make it that long. i feel like i need to surrender more into O/our relationship. Trying to take sec out to rebuild after the deployment and kids. She and i have some strong pillars to build O/our relationship around. i just need to get around to doing that work.
     
  20. SubDee
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    SubDee Long term member

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    Forgive my ignorance…what is the purpose of the capital letter and the slash? What does it signify?
     
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  21. Dsbes
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    Dsbes Member

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    Hello subdee,

    some communities use upper case for Dom and lower case for subs as a sign of respect. New to this community so i erred on the side of caution.

    take care
     
  22. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    Just talk to her about what you want to do. And do it sooner rather than later. Don’t try to sell the idea, just talk to her. She’s a military mom, she’s an expert at surprises.

    If you wait, or she discovers you wearing a chastity device, she is likely to feel like you are keeping secrets and deceiving her. That is not the discussion you want to have.

    Think ahead about the discussion and why you are proposing FLR. Try to keep the benefits you are proposing balanced between the two of you. If they are unbalanced totally in her favor, it may not feel right to her. She married you, not a slave. You might end up there, but it can take time.

    Try not to add to her burden. She already has a house and kids to manage, she won’t want to micromanage you as well.

    Give her time. Start slowly. Above all, be patient and supportive. Rather than telling her what she can do better or more of, follow her lead and give her positive reinforcement. Build her confidence.

    You are messing with an established relationship. What you are proposing is not to be taken lightly. However, there are many benefits to a FLR, and most that have adopted the lifestyle would not choose to go back.

    Good luck!
     
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  23. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    Its best to find out what she wants before telling her what you might like. For all you know right now she might like everything as it is or sh might want you to be castrated... you don't know so before you rush into things show her some respect and take the time to discuss before acting
     
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  24. Andy88
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    Andy88 Long term member

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    I always like a great love story of collegemates falling in love, losing virginity together and marrying each other. So you intend to introduce the male chastity to her in an attempt to spice up the sex life..? You may be in luck. Good move for you too that you have been experimenting with it to test out any discomfort discreetly and that you can adjust successfully first.
    Im Assuming you are not wearing it to sleep at this moment since she is not aware of it yet. Once you are accustomed to wearing at day time, you might want to tell her all about it soonest possible. Show it to her without wearing it.. she will have the shock of her life the 1st moment seeing a penis lock “live” on you. Ask her if she would like to witness it on you.. slot it in with ease and comfort and tell her this is for her, it will only be unlock for sex as and when she pleases. Believe me, she wont keep you locked for long. Let her see the chances in your sex approach, putting her needs first. Let her see the changes in your household, taking care of kids and chores. Yes, do not burden her with meticulous key holding task, penis cleaning, inspection and ass milking. Do it yourself. Once she sees the changes in you, she will be sold. The butt plug thing..? I would not go for it. Cant decide for you though.
     
  25. Dsbes
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    Dsbes Member

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    Thank you all so much for your feedback especially @Lexi James . This supportive community helped me realize I made an impulsive decision with good intentions but poor execution. My wife and I had an open conversation about my interest in taking our informal for to a formal flr. She’s comfortable at the mild level. I then shared my use of toys and she responded lovingly with concern rather than judgement. We agreed to reduced use (every other day and only in the bedroom and only if she was aware of it). We are in a much better place today than 2 days ago and a much different place than 2 weeks ago. I’ll probably drop out of this forum until/unless my wife and I discuss these sorts of topics further. This has been the most helpful forum as I try to wrap my head around the flr concept. I’m so grateful to find such an open minded community that provided helpful insight. Thank you all.
     
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