How do I help her not feel guilty

I'm a guy, sorry...but exploring some of this topic as well.

This Podcast is fantastic for helping women get their heads around all of this, and finding their "truth", as well as understanding what men need, why and how it all works.

https://kinkfriendly.podbean.com/

I highly recommend exploring this. She is truly fantastic at understanding male perspective and a fully healthy approach for women (and men) to approach all of this, including chastity.

She needs to learn not to be dominant as part of your kinky fetish. But to find her voice, her truth, and what she wants. You want this too, you both want to be authentic and understand WHY you're doing what you do.

 

Just communicate and listen to what she has to say about it. Some people's idea of "having it their way" might be allowing you to make some of the choices as well. If she is just feeling bad about you not getting as much attention I think you need to let her know that giving her that type of attention is what does it for you. If she still isn't ok with it, you need to listen & be honest about it with her.

There is no definitive right or wrong here, every situation is different... As long as the both of you are having fun with it you are doing it right. A lot of people come into this thinking their partner is going to love 100% of the attention and ask for oral sex every day while leaving your member throbbing... but that just might not be what she wants, odds are it isn't.

 

Thank her for denying you. Thank her for allowing you to please her. Thank her for helping you build anticipation for a release, and once you get that release, let her know how much better it was because she denied you for so long.

 

I struggle with this too sometimes (and if other ladies would like to post, I'm always trying to get better!) One new thing we are trying is locking the key in a timed box so even if I do feel guilty and want to let him out to be "nice" I CAN'T. For me, this takes away the anxiety of thinking that "since I just climaxed XX times - I'm sure he'd like to, too, I should let him out..."

In this way, we both know he's locked, so we can focus 100% on pleasure/denial without the weight/temptation of unlocking him. You'll have to talk about how many days you want to start with, and what your goal lock-up time would be.

Below are the lockbox and a blog my husband shared with me that we found super helpful:
Welcome | kSafe by Kitchen Safe (thekitchensafe.com)
The Secret to a Happy Marriage (neocities.org)

Good luck & enjoy the journey!

 

Your lockbox idea is a good solution. However, you end up transferring a key part of your power over him, to a box.

Is your husband submissive? If he is, then what he wants to hear is; “No.” Telling him “No” is not being mean if that is what he wants to hear. You are giving him what he craves. That is being generous and empathetic. He wants you to take charge and truly own it. Wear the key and flaunt it. He will melt before you.

Telling him yes, would be a disappointment in his mind.

 

Yes - this is very true and you make an excellent point!

I should qualify that this is a place to start to help the KH become comfortable with denial, comfortable with saying "no", comfortable knowing that her partner will be just fine (and BETTER) because he's locked up. So, its like training wheels on a bike so she feels confident with denial/teasing once she's steering on her own. This would be a temporary measure to help her get over the guilt and help her change her mindset. It sure is helping me wrap my head around long-term lock-up.

Later on...there is something delightfully sinful about a count-down timer...especially if you think you have 2 days left, then go back and see it's now two months, no?

 

Next to “How do I ask her?”, this must be one of the most frequently asked questions.

Are you submissive, or wish to be? If so, help her to understand that she is not being mean to you is domination is what you crave. She is giving you a gift and attention you need and love. Pleasuring her while being denied yourself is what you crave most of all. It does seem out of balance, but that is what you desire.

If she can see things from this POV, then it just takes time as you mentioned. With your support, her confidence will increase. Focus on the things that she does rather than what she doesn’t. It is worth the wait.

 

Pretty devastating. You sound like an amazing woman. Denial is one of your super powers. Wield it without fear and wonderful things can happen. Confidence just takes time to build. Per this statement, I’m not worried.

 

Show her, don't tell her, of the benefits to her.

 

Mrs Sen is very much the same, for all our married life, sex was penis focussd, even if she wasn't getting attention, she would sort me out with a HJ or BJ. The shift away from penis focused sex is quite the change.

We have been in and out of chastity for 18 months or so, each time we delve back in she gets more comfortable.

I have given her some suggestions on what teasing looks like from my perspective, she still said it sounded cruel, I said it sounded hot but left it at that.

I think all you can do is positive reinforcement if you have a session for her, thank her for allowing you to pleasure her and tell her how much it turns you on when you are doing it.

When she brings up feelings of guilt, reassure her that there's nothing to feel guilty about and that you are happy

 

She is taking the message already, understanding that once chastity is on the male, she has all the advantage of gaining pleasure while the male is denied. Continue in the game, reassuring her that she should not feel guilty that you are being lost out due to some rash decision of yours in getting ownself denied and not admitting it. My wife felt bad too in the beginning.. asking me if we should just forget about abstinence between her fertile periods and let my balls replenish some fresh sperm every 7days.. i declined but instead provide oral pleasure to her to keep her juices flowing throughout her cycle.. she took the message and felt great being how easy to tame a man.

 

Here's my take on this...

As Mistress Alisa (https://kinkfriendly.podbean.com) says, "Sex is the language that men use to connect with themselves. If a guy is happy, he needs an orgasm. If he's celebrating success, it’s like fuck yeah let's go get laid. If he gets a Promotion, if he feels loved, or if he feels disappointed. The way that men process feelings and emotions, it's not by feeling those emotions, it's not by acknowledging them. If they get to that point where they do, most of the time it's because a woman has taught them (ladies, this is where you can help). If a guy gets to the place where he is understanding that he is more than just a dick it's because a woman helped him to see that. A woman helped to fulfill him sexually while she also taught him how to love and be loved. How to see and be seen, how to care about someone else and how to receive being cared for. That's what women add to relationships when we are not bitchy and manipulative. You know, when we are not doing the "woman thing". “

Think of it this way. In the relationship, philosophically (or, well, maybe more actual than that) there are three participants in the room. The woman (yin), the man (yang), and his penis/orgasm (nature’s innate drive to reproduce). As Alisa says, guys learn certain behaviors as they discover their sexuality. That orgasms feel good, and we’re chasing that original one. It becomes the focus and priority and other things drop out of focus. Guys think about sex all the time, we are wired to do that. And it’s ok, it’s beautiful…it’s the masculine cosmic energy of the universe. But it should be focused in the present, both on sexual pleasure, and on his yin (the emotional feelings and intimacy). The goal here is to focus on the her and him aspects, not the orgasm. Not that orgasms aren’t good, they are! They build the bond, oxytocin, and all that and are important…not as a short term fix, but as a gift of intimacy from her to him. Or him to her when he gives her one. They are also the key to wrapping him around your finger (for the good things...read on...) He wants the chase, he wants you to tease him, he wants you to engage in really intense play where he can hardly think. And then deny him, and do it again. Wrap him around you finger.

By handing over his orgasm and penis, and ultimately you could say access to his sexual pleasure, it does two things:

1) It forces him to not focus on it. He can’t control it so he can’t make it the “goal”. Instead, it forces him to be present and allow him to focus on other things.
2) It has him focus on her and “the couple” instead, and makes him learn and speak her love language. And it makes her learn to speak and focus on his love language.

Together, it helps her evolve her sexual feminine self. And it helps him evolve his emotional masculine self.

If she merely focuses on trying to “please him”, which has a high chance of being inauthentic, it will leave him unsatisfied (because he can feel it’s not genuine), and it leaves her feeling used because it’s not her truth, she’s not doing it to support or nurture her authentic self.

There’s a book about the 5 love languages. Arguably a book written by women for women, because, I agree with Alisa on this, men won’t really relate to any of this. The 5 love languages are “word of affirmation”, “quality time”, “receiving gifts”, “acts of service”, “physical touch”. Men’s love language is “play with my dick and give me pleasure”. Don’t get confused on this, There is a 6th love language that is a man’s. Alisa gives the example “if you tell him that instead of having sex with him you’re going to give him acts of service and go fill his gas tank. Look at the confusion that is going to go across his face. What in the fuck are you going to do that for? I’d much rather have sex he’s thinking.” Enough said.

So, here’s how it all comes together:

You “possess” access to his penis, his basic key to sexual pleasure, his love language. He commits to not being driven by it or taking his energy away from you (by prostitutes, porn, masturbation, etc). It is solely yours for your to have to get the emotional connection and physical pleasure. So you need to learn to tune in to what he likes, what feels good and drives him crazy (make him moan, not talk and try to direct, not try to chase the orgasm. Don’t let him have any control. Through that you learn what makes him feel good, and it helps him to be vulnerable. Through the pleasure and attention, he learns to trust you and open up, be vulnerable and communicate. You are speaking in his love language.

As his needs are being satisfied and he is trusting that you really understand him and are going to genuinely fulfill those needs, he feels empowered and charged up to open up and communicate more. He is speaking in your love language and you are getting your needs met.

In return you get a present, empowered, communicative, loving, vulnerable and supportive man. In which you can further grow your trust…which you need in order to open up and connect sexually. He gets a sexual ‘you' who is tuning in to her sexual feminine true self. She’s not dominant, but she is confident and in her truth and doing this with a purpose that makes sense to her and getting her needs met.

When the two come together, they both get their needs met and learn that they can trust each other to be their authentic selves, acting out of genuine love and caring. Not scripts to ‘get what he wants’, or to ‘keep him happy’. No guilt, no shame, not selfishness or resentment. The couple are working together in harmony. To expand and grow that out. Both emotionally and sexually.


If you could summarize that into a mantra, it could go something like this:

For her: I am going to be my authentic self and live in my truth, to get what I need. I am going to speak his love language so he trusts me and comes to me to get his needs sexual and emotional needs met. When he trusts me he will relax, open up and feel comfortable being intimate, communicate and be vulnerable."

His mantra is something like “I am going to live in my truth and be my authentic self and speak her love language (communication, intimacy, vulnerability) so she trusts me. When she does she will feel comfortable in truth and relax and open up sexually and emotionally to me. “

There’s nothing to feel guilty about, you’re not cheating him, you’re not hurting him or depriving him of anything. You are helping him grow all other aspects of himself and not focus on orgasm. Connecting with each other and you have the power to get your needs met.

You’re not a dominatrix in this sense (though you can certainly be that, too), you are being a confident woman who is true in who she is, true in her actions and being a loving partner expressing her feminine self and teaching him to do the same.

be free and have fun!!!

 

I struggled with those same feelings when hubby and I first started experimenting with orgasm denial. I love my husband and want to make him happy. I felt terrible not letting him have an orgasm, especially after he was giving me so much pleasure. It seemed selfish and unfair. I felt like I was being a "bad wife". It was very, very difficult to shake those feelings. And the more he did for me, the worse I felt because that kept increasing the unfairness.

One thing that really helped was that hubby kept thanking me and telling me how much he enjoyed the denial. I had to hear that. A lot. I didn't really understand it, but after a while it sunk in and I finally broke that mental connection between hubby's orgasms and his happiness. I came to grips with the idea that me saying "no" made him happier than if I had said "yes".

Once I broke free of those feelings of guilt I began to embrace the role and grew more dominant. Nowadays, I absolutely love controlling hubby's orgasms. But it took us a long time to get to this place. Be patient.

 

Thank you for sharing!

 

Ok so I skim read a lot of what was in this thread… and yes from what I gather you need to give her time to build her confidence. Make sure your supportive on that. Thank her. Tell her how amazing that was. Don’t show disappointment if she does something that you thought was wrong because you read it should be that way…

My wife was exactly the same and I went about it completely the wrong way at first. We’re now finally a stage now where I genuinely have handed over complete control of my orgasms to her. It took a while to get there and I’d say it’s still in the balance. But that stage is taken care of. First thing I had to do was to get out idea out of my head that I don’t want to orgasm. That’s not how this starts but the confinement becomes addictive.

Queue the lightbulb moment that changed everything… because frankly this is not control of orgasms. It’s an exchange of pleasure.
Up until recently she still didn’t quite get it, and after completing all the house work, making sure everything is taken care of and then offering her a massage… she said “I don’t see how this is fair? What do you get out of this?”
I honestly didn’t have an answer.
Probably the next day or later that evening something just made me think of why I do it… and what drives me on. Fuck me it was simple.

Thinking more deeply… I’d suggest how can she make this work? You ask her to not let you cum. But if you’re caged. If you’re actively trying not to cum. The whole system just falls down. She’s not even in control at all. You’re telling her not to let you cum and so remain in control. I digress…

For me and my wife the answer to what I get out of this is simple. Her pleasure. Or a more simple way; access her vagina. That’s what makes me happy. That’s what makes it worthwhile. If she controls that. She controls it all. No access = no pleasure = no fulfilment of my needs. So I strive to achieve that. She knows I’m happy she allowed me there. She doesn’t feel guilty because the focus isn’t on whether or not I’ve had an orgasm.

I know this is what’s changed for us as she messaged me to ask how my day was at work. My negative response was greeted by:
“Don’t start being mardy! I don’t want you coming home in a mood or you won’t be massaging me or even touching me I can promise you that xxx”

Anyway, that’s my experience of helping with the guilt. If it helps any I don’t know.

 

Start by making a rule that you are forbidden to ask for release unless medically necessary. Rule 2 is you must always say no if she asks you if you should be unlocked, even if you really want out. A timer box is great for training or keep the keys in an inconvenient place like hidden in her car.

You can also create games of chance so she isn’t responsible for denying you. https://wheeldecide.com/
You can also make a game where you both wager something. Whoever unlocks the cage or asks for it to be unlocked, is the loser. It could be detailing the others car, chores, etc.

 

Communicate, communicate, communicate! My wife needs frequent reminders. As I was sitting here reading some of your posts, my wife came in the room and asked, "What is your ultimate goal with all of this, with chastity, etc?" I realized I needed to tell her again. I want to love and please her sacrificially to make her happy because that will lead to my ultimate fulfillment & satisfaction. Because the temptation of momentary pleasure is so strong, I need guardrails to keep me on the road so I get to my final destination.

 

I’m now intrigued how things are going a month after this post…
Is there still guilt from her side? Or have things progressed towards a destination you wanted them to go?

 

I went through this years ago. I think it stems from women being taught not to use sex as a weapon or be a tease which, obvioulsy, is what most of us here want. Once my wife understood this, the guilt went away and she began enjoying the control. Talk and time will get you there.