as it turns out, she had told me expressly that she did not trust me to not masturbate. Even if I am completely honest and faithful, she has her doubt. Damned if you do, damned if you don't... honestly and she knows this well there is nothing more that I would like than to just be released from chastity. I think years ago I was all aboard, but after having some time without it, I noticed how much better it was for me. Is that cold? or selfish? yes. yes it is. especially since i originally brought it into our lives. i asked for it. i begged for it. i got pierced for it. it changed our relationship. but when you are sleeping next to someone who ignores you unless you lock up, then you'd understand, you take what you can, because in her world I doubt it wasn't a gift anyway. i could go into more detail but why be honest in the first place...
I was glad to see @BobCat’s reply to you and I’m very glad you don’t disagree with him. But then you go on to say, damned if you do, dammed if you don’t. Except you done did, so I don’t see the don’t part. If she’s insecure about your fidelity, and that insecurity extends to your masturbation, and she (rightly) feels less secure when you’re unlocked, then it seems to me that if you want her to be secure you need to lock up when she tells you. That means giving up real power. Not the power of playing with yourself in the shower, but the power of making her feel insecure. Locking up, staying locked, and giving her no reason to distrust you — even at the cost of your own pleasure — is a way to create a safe space where maybe she can trust you. But if you continue to give her reasons to distrust you, even if she never knows about them, the space you’re creating is just a gap between you.
@boisub yes. life is complicated. am i an asshole? yes. what am i supposed to do about it now? I shared with you all so you can see i am an addict. you can hate me, but i cannot help myself. However I am willing to try and she is willing to help me, and happiest when she is. we have this whole life around the few passing moments we have together, and we do try make them count. i love her more than the day i met her. does jerking one out change that? nope. does she think i like to jerk off? yes. does she trust me not to do that? no. does she ask me to wear a chastity device that i gave her? yes. problem solved. does my jerking off make her insecure? lol no. no fucking way. haha no pun intended! My Wife is strong. much stronger than me. i am a mental ice ream cone, and life is sunny and hot most of the time. i share this 1 dimensional vomit not to make you mad, but maybe to read some are upset by it was something i needed to see. sorry i should have anticipated that outcome more so.
I certainly don’t feel mad about anything you’ve shared here. On the contrary you’re brave to lay it all bare for everyone. But you express conflicting emotions in your posts, so as a sympathetic reader and respondent, I can’t help drawing out and exploring those conflicts. I don’t mean to imply any weakness on your Wife’s part; basically I’m trying to understand where the conflict arises between her desires and yours.
I mean no ill will ...at all. I tried getting her on here years ago. Not happening. So i post when i can and it is one dimensional. Kinda crappy.
Still locked. she told me to take it off, and then gave me two days. I have to say when she told me to put it back on that defiant thread was still woven into the core of who i am ... but i locked back up. she has been strict, and i have needed to behave.
Exclusive regard to one's own interest cannot net real happiness. And yet, so too can exclusive regard be the means to happiness. Because happiness is what exactly? I think I know what it is not, more than I know what it is. Love. To give love away
So it is that here I am again looking for answers. I realize that in reading just a few blogs I hadnt seen before how incredibly one dimensional chastity really is. How really unique experiences really are few and far between. How there are components inherently needed for the relationship of keyholder/sub to work. In that alone I should already know my answer, and I do. In fact, maybe I've known all along, but have been in denial due to the depression caused by admitting the truth... And yet, change is all around. New possibility exists everywhere, but my time is spoken for. We have kids. The ultimate sex drive buzz kill is no privacy from kids. I find myself questioning everything over and over. If I were in chastity, would I do that less?? ...let me digress for a second... I heard a story on the radio about a nun who stayed with people who were about to be executed. She admitted that through her obedience to the scripture and laws of her church she had less of an identity. That independent thought was something she could not really do if she wanted to stay with the church. ...Ok ok I know how much everyone loves religion and politics around here but, hold on! My point is about obedience. If one is truly obedient, they seem to lack indentity, and instead become like a mass produced material object, complete with biological shelf life. So in theory you lose part of who you are in being truly obedient to someone/ something else. And maybe that works both ways, in that a sub may be obedient simply to lose the burden of looking in the mirror, physically and meta-physically. And of course I have to question whether that is actually submissive and not just some form of topping from the bottom. There is only one problem, how do I convince myself of that? Or does it matter? Bla bla questions. That I should need to be obedient to my keyholder, who says I should just put it on, as ususal. Then the other problem, she is basically asexual. She never innitiates. So locking up is really about my surrender to obedience generally, not really to her anymore than ususl day to day. Do I want bdsm? Yes I think so... or not. Kids. more than anything. If I complain she is over it and will leave the key out or just give it to me. I cant fuck up. And if I do a good job, I am ensuring long term lockups with not much attention after the first interest phase is over. It is a sacrifice, and either I do not have the strength, or I am just too damn strong to be contained. I am sure ive written this or someond else did before
I want to be in chastity again. It is not happening unless I self lock. I think it generally causes a cognitive dissonance in my mind and not necessarily so easy for me to do. My wife thinks it isnt the right time for it. She says she has considered it, but isn't sure she is ready or that I am. It has been a rough few years. Raising children, pandemic lockdowns, etc. I have managed to stay healthy and active so far. I regularly ride a bike and I think she thinks I cannot lock up due to that also, which is actually sort of true but I would bike less or exercise another way if she asked...or told me. Not to say at my age I shouldn't be biking, but the element of danger and recovery is tougher with age and accidents should be avoided. I suppose I could change the way I ride, and I have tried riding with the device on before but it was tough. Not really too tough just burdensome. Maybe that is just how it is. Somehow the bike replaced the device. It is great, but the time alone while biking has become more of a break for both of us. I think I realized it when she asked me why don't I go ride? To which I replied good idea and did so. But after I left I thought she just wants me out of the house. The time together during lockdowns and the rather stressful political situation has made for generally high strung attitudes that just fester... so I guess our relationship isn't strong enough for the added element and/or intimacy. We're getting by, but I do wonder if i were locked if things might be better between us. She doesn't want it so I just dream and wonder about it and the way it was. I realize I was too much of a burden for her while locked. I guess I acted to childish and that turned her away from the idea of it.
Could you work out a way to do it on your own? If that’s not appealing to you, is there a way you could do it together but take some of the responsibility and burden away from her? With my wife, I always feel like I am a chore when I make certain requests. I have agreed to offer recommendations, but allow her to make the final decision on these things because what I see for myself it’s too much what I want for myself. But that requires a certain level of trust to believe that she would take initiative at the right time. So we set monthly meetings to discuss how things are going. If it’s not the right time for some thing, for either of us, it is not the right time for both of us. I know this probably doesn’t sound very helpful, and I am unfamiliar with your relationship. If there is no middle ground, and the bike is a determining factor, could you consider riding less frequently? Maybe taper off to frequency that you think would be realistic if you were to have your way with chastity? Then if she says she doesn’t want to take away from your bike time, you could tell her you’ve already been substituting for other exercises because the risk of injury as you age is making you apprehensive. It would take that out of the equation, but again, I’m not sure that is helpful to you in your relationship. I can understand if she wants you out of the house. My wife wants me out of the house, I want me out of the house, and my kids definitely want me out of the house from time to time. Regularly, actually. It’s good to have space and there are far worse ways to communicate that than to suggest a bike ride. This pandemic has been torture on me. I suffered great loss with a family member and it traumatized me in ways and I will never recover from. And then Covid hit and I became desperately, desperately suicidal. I’m only just beginning to recover from the ideation. It is important to get out of the house, but if you have alternate exercises, you should be able to do those with the same time that you would be riding. One thing is more important than another, and it sounds like you’ve identified it for yourself. Now it may be time to trust that the person who knows you best will consider what’s best for her. But we have found ways, very recently, to fulfill my needs with minimal effort from her if she chooses to be less involved for a week or two. I hope you can find a similar balance. I haven’t read back through this thread for specifics, but I do remember where are you were emotionally. I hope I’m not being too presumptuous, but I hope that you can find peace through these terrible times, politically, and perhaps personally.
...just when you think it is over... it never is. She handed me the cage to put on about a week ago. Her biggest reason for not saying to do so sooner is the fact that the Lori is slightly more technical than a keyed device. All this time her hang up has been that she cannot install it herself. That added element is so obvious I have no idea why it never came up before as a road block to the whole thing. There are other reasons too, like kids, and other things, but times they are a changing y'all.
Just accept it. The stages of chastity adjustment are like stops on a railway. They are points that I get to usually at a predictable pace or not at all. The physical nature is normally the 1st stop to pass on by. The lori device is made for 24/7 wear. The 2nd is the feeling that i have a need to question my submission. Also usually a quick journey from nothing to there. That stop, can be a tough one because as soon as I change the mood of my KH I am in trouble and not the kind that one fetishizes. The next stop is a bit further. It requires a smooth ride or the whole thing is derailed. Acceptance. The main obstcles are usually nothing to do with the device, but instead are in my brain. I have to mentally adjust more than physically. The suffering wearing the device causes makes me want to have that pain acknowledged. In the past this has lead to a 1000 questions to the point where I am upset by my own confusion. Being able to accept my chastity requires maturity. That maturity, chastity maturity, has been obtained through a lot of experience with doing the wrong things. I began to get off track the other night. Desperation was setting in like an ugly pimple waiting to explode. I began a pattern of behavior... to which my KH, my Wife, my head of house said with a lazer like precision "just accept it" Hopefully I can move past this stop and find out what is next on the journey. The lands past acceptance are familiar to a point, but mostly unknown. My identity is what it is, but my behaviour can always change.
It's kind of weird how after more than two weeks in I am feeling the chastity device less and less. Not weird like never happened before weird like i am wearing a steel chastity devive 24/7 ... and it is becoming totally normal. No matter how many times ive been down this road it is always kind of too much... but this time is more tame so far. It also occurs to me that without this outlet I probably would've said too much. Having a space with like minded, or at least similarly chaste people who understand is a huge help in getting this right. These aren't revelations... but worth noting i hope
Cuming in chastity is always a fun topic. I think most get the idea that orgasm control means no orgasms, when it just means controlled orgasms. In chastity the usual abilities a man has to masturbate are gone. After being locked for a period of time, the body adapts. It doesn't lose function, it finds other ways for relief. Erections can return to normal once unlocked, but why would any sub want that? In my exp, immaturity is the primary reason a chastity cage gets removed and a D/s relation delayed or interupted. Of course physical health is a reason too, but most can sustain some pain or injury and be back where they began. I thought i had damaged myself, turns out I am just getting older. Being body aware for yourself is maybe the best thing that can be done to extend your fun and vitality.
Accept it... It is not easy to change your life, which is why when agreeing to chastity it is best to understand it really changes nothing. Who i am and my day to day stays the same. Reaching a climax is still possible. What actually changes is who holds the key. My chastity empowers her to be sexually dominant and nothing turns me on more. The same seems to be true of her interests, keeping me desperate and ready to follow her directions makes her happy. Being unable to remove the device and learning to live with it is exactly what I wanted, even if it is difficult. The assigned patriarchy society has built is removed and replaced with the constant reminder of chastity and physical subordination. I am grateful to my wife for keeping me locked and not letting me give up on my commitment. If she tells me to remove it I will, but I see so clearly how she loves it and is satisfied by knowing she decides. The mental buzz is still ringing in my brain, I can only hope that as time moves by she still has the same enthusiasm.
It changes nothing, except it changes everything. I know she is most happy when she is leading our relationship. When she feels she has my attention, like it was when we first met, she is happy. We've drifted back and forth over the years. Sex isn't a priority very often anymore... but my chastity suddenly is. I asked her for years to lock me up, and we'd have a go at it. It has never extended past a few months at a time, then a kind of sexual drought happens. We aren't motivated and I fall into the trap of self pleasure and porn. An interesting side effect of that is i get erections regularly and tend to be more ready for PIV, but she is attracted to me less when i am less manicured, or centered on my own pleasure rather than pleasing her, visually and otherwise. Being locked into chastity empowers her to change our relationship. Most stays the same, but I am again learning about the details of providing her pleasure, while she keeps me denied, which of course serves to help me stay focused. She expects me to answer "yes" when she is keyholding... and i am doing as i am told. I did feel the need to ask if i could get relief from the chastity device, but i didn't. She understands better than i do my need to feel aroused despite being locked, and gives it to me in a measured way with informed and decisive words and actions. I lose my abilities to resist so easily, and am drunk off the buzz of her authoritative ways. I am inching closer to no longer feeling the need to fight my chastity, and accept that my self interested actions ironically but thankfully have made me closer to selfless for her.
Hands free, or cage shaking, but totally numb, chastised ejaculation.. is not really pleasure. It is as close to pleasure as one in chastity gets. Before long the brain thinks it's pleasure, until one fortunate day a cage free o...in the meantime it is more a relief on the brain than anything even just to drip some cum. Ultimately when there is no release and this happens with any sort of regularity it becomes normal. New normal associations with being locked into an inescapable chastity that creates a mandate of submission to which i must obey if i want any chance at taking it off. Nothing has changed really, except like some sort of mole i am compromised and ready to do as instructed- against the patriarchy, against my former liberties, against my usual life... just to continue to have another taste of the chastity love potion. The heightened attention we exchange like young lovers isn't cute or publicly on display however, It is lust and planned and sometimes dark. It is like a mutually benefitial drug addiction. Somehow that makes it all the more desirable. Our lives have a secret, but it is as regular as walking the dog, or buying groceries. The world around us has no idea.
I have had the same device for almost a decade. It has been adjusted multiple times, and I have spare parts. It is an awesome device, and has made me feel wonderful and controlled for so long... but it is too big and too heavy for me. The space allows me too much freedom to move, which over time creates a few issues, least of which being I am able to get aroused enough to climax. I found a new device. I measured on the tight side. Holy crap. Back to the beginning, but with experience to guide me. The new device is still in test mode, but so far is exceeding my expectations, which over the last decade have evolved a thousand times over. New thread maybe in the future to discuss. For now, my story ends here with this advice: Measure twice, and consider the tightest possible size, and then consider smaller.
Basic rules. 1. Find a device that fits. 2. Hand over the key, and never talk about it. 3. Accept it, and do as you are told. 4. Lose all expectations. That is it. Chastity is not complicated untill we make it so. If you ask for chastity and complain you are topping from the bottom.
I read recently: "A male knows in 1/20th of a second if he wants a woman/person in front of him." Something to that effect anyway... Today I was at the grocery store and just minding my own business, making my way through the produce section and I glanced up as I moved towards a stand full of assorted nuts... there was a younger woman, maybe 32 years old, and yes in about 1/20th of a second later I knew my results. I assure you I am no cheater. But one cannot obscure their vision. Compound this with my recent reading material and an experiment or observation was imminent... I was not shocked but rather I was amused. Am I deplorable? Lol no... but maybe. Male minds have these things baked in... we cannot deny the fundamentals of nature, no matter how many locks there are. Better to be aware of how things are wired than bet on blind faith, eh?
We purchased a nylon 3D printed custom device from evotion wearables and although it is conceptully awesome, lighter than any other device, the material seems to irritate me after a week. The base ring is on the wide side, making passing testicles through more difficult. The base ring was curved to prevent it digging into skin but it's width seems to negate that. The other issue was the PA pin was sent in the wrong size, too small, and pee would get trapped below it. Really like the design, but it needs tweeks. Edits are advertised as easy to do bcuz they save your file and bring up the data for reprints. That might be true, but after 3 no replys to email it was time to try something else. Badassworkroom is fairly new to my knowledge, but the reviews and titanium offerings were good, so we gave it a try. Our order showed up earlier than expected, and so far it is nothing short of a masterpiece. Measurements were spot on. The titanium is lighter than my steel Lori by a significant degree. No metal burrs or unfinished metal. It is the device I have been waiting for for the last 15 years. Seems totally wearable permanently... very happy.