Balancing naturally nice personality with FLR/sadistic tendencies

Not a female Dom, obviously, but I believe that any relationship, especially a kinky one, definitely benefits from strict and clear rules. It is therefore necessary for a Dom to sometimes put in extra effort even if his/her nature is caring.

 

Your "reminder" is giving him attention. Whether he realizes it or not, he may be starving for your attention, and so reminding him is filling a need for him. It's very addictive, too, so your reminders will program him to want more even control from you.

(Funny coincidence: My cage is referred to as "my reminder".)

Keep in mind that he probably hates being moody. So when you notice it happening, ask him pointedly about it. Make him squirm a little. Ask him if he thinks that you should have to put up with him being moody. Ask him what you should do about it. But make sure it's fun -- it should be a game for you. And he should know that you're having fun with him; that will magnify the effect. While he's squirming, he'll likely be soaking up your attention, and feeling valued by you. Weird, I know.

 

Mistress Scarlett talks of being pitiless and cruel. Not only does she enjoy it but claims most true submissives need it to 'sleep well'. I suppose he is moody over the lockups and discipline, all signs of self. He can not serve two masters. If he is concerned with his position he can not whole-heartedly serve you. I think in time for many people FLR becomes an all or nothing situation. Perhaps when he is sullen he needs a greater expression of your love and power to break him free from himself. It is the push from Mistress that compels us to grow and become fulfilled. If you care to internalize these concepts, you too, can set the moment aside and work for the greater good. He has willingly signed up to fully serve a strong Mistress, give him one for the benifit of all.

 

Perhaps it would be beneficial to try and reframe "aggressive punishments" in your mind as extra accommodating and caring.
Sadism isn't the opposite of caring. I don't believe they are mutually exclusive.

 

To expand on that, as a submissive, I NEED to be humiliated and abused by my Domme. It's validating. You can be loving and still twist the knife once or twice a day, be it by voice, an aggressive squeeze of the balls, or just a swat on a bare ass.

 

When I'm dealing with stress or anxiety is when I need a firm hand the most. As a lifestyle sub, it is uplifting when my domme steps in these moments and reminds me that I'm not supposed to think too much, my job is to serve. I've talked with Her about this many times, and she understands that while she loves me and wants to be tender with me, sometimes the best thing to do is to jerk a knot in my ass (meant rhetorically). That reminds me I'm loved, protected, and owned by another and that I'm not alone but instead I have a non-judgmental power above me looking out for my best interests.

This advice above certainly also works on long lock-ups, and I can attest that over time, as a sub, we get used to and accept the lock-ups that our dominant imposes. It never hurts to check in though, in a non-lifestyle setting, to make sure that your sub still wishes to serve you in this way or if it's just long-lock-up angst.

 

My two cents, niceness is just as performative as other types of engagement. We're often taught that nice = good, or dare I say "normal". That doesn't mean that being nice is an inherently empty practice - far from it. My point is, the value of natural is whatever you allow it to be. Fighting against who we are can be unfortunately 'natural', but that doesn't make it good for us... or for others in our lives, for that matter.

I am learning to push myself further out of society's expected comfort zones (especially those 'designed' for women) and finding what works for me. My empathy for others does not evaporate when I do this, nor is it switched off. If anything, it becomes heightened. I think this is because I'm allowing more space for my own sadistic desires - and sharing them with someone else who also benefits from the expression is a special opportunity.

Maybe visualizing the switch of you turning on, rather than off, could be helpful in sorting out your feelings about this topic and forming your plan of action.

 

I would say go for it.. i think many men wish to be further disciplined and yearn for extra challenges over time that things start to turn mundane and predictable.. dwell within and explore your kinks.. especially to your man whom you have full control over..

 

Ms. Thatgirl, I realize you addressed your question to other keyholders. I hope you don't mind if I share my experience as a sub for the question you've raised.

Your description fits my experience exactly. Mistress Kat9 has a strong sadistic streak, so it wasn't always punishment. Sometimes it was; sometimes it was just play. But I found that almost 100% of the time, my attitude changed for the positive after an intense physical "punishment." Not to say this will work with every man, but it can for some. It certainly does with me.

 

That’s definitely a tough balance and I wonder how many couples living this lifestyle actually find what’s truly right for them or if it’s a constant balancing act. I can see for some it would be hard to flip that switch and go into domme mode and react to him completely differently. Perhaps act more aggressively towards him or punish him for his behavior versus the coddling or standoffishness that you might see between a typical “vanilla” couple in the same situation. My wife is a sweet loving girl who also has a sadistic streak as well but has always been hesitant to act on it, more of a privacy issue I think because she does like to slap me around when she can. It’s been rare when she actually lets that side out, I find it shocking but I always want to see more of that kind of behavior from her. During some of my longer lockups I get into that same pissy bored mood you mentioned. With my wife she tends to shy away from her more aggressive behavior when I’m like that, when I actually think that’s exactly what I need to help keep me in that subspace. I too hate pain but it’s definitely not my thing but I accept it and come to appreciate it for the sake of what we’re trying to create.

 

I'm not the keyholder from whom the original poster sought advice; I'm locked up (but do carry my key most of the time...if that counts for anyting).

My ex-wife and I had kids, and when I was with them, they often commented that their mother didn't care about them. They'd remark about something they'd done, and when I asked if they got in trouble, they'd say that "mom doesn't care about us.. She doesn't do anything."

I found their view interesting; they perceived the lack of discipline or punishment for wrong doing as indicative of lack of caring or concern. It's not just kids. People in general have an inherent need to know that they're held to a given standard. If I were to go have an affair and my wife were to say she doesn't really care, it would send a signal to me that it's not just the affair...it's a message that she doesn't care enough about me to be concerned about my behavior.

By comparison, if I were to use a profane word and my wife were to put a bar of soap in my mouth, it would send a very clear signal. Not just about her feeling regarding that word, but about me saying it; the implication isn't just one of language, but her concern with me. It would tell me that she takes me seriously.

Many of us come from a world in which we had authority figures who made demands or rules and we had punishment or discipline for breaking them. As adults, we get a speeding ticket, or arrested and jailed for vandalism, or held in contempt of court for speaking out. The world is littered with rules and mechanisms for enforcing those rules. If no one is minding the store, people tend to run roughshod over their world; looting, stealing, whatever; rules and enforcement of the rules is integral to us as a society, whether within a relationship, a community, or a nation. Rules are rules, but they mean very little unless they're taken seriously enough and there are rewards for obedience, and penalties for failure to heed the rules.

As men, we live in a world of discipline. Drop and give me fifty, isn't a foreign notion; most of us have heard it before, whether in a high school gym class, from a drill instructor, or just on TV; discipline and punishment is a constant theme. There are penalties for improper taxes, crossing against a red light, speaking out of turn. Even, in theory, for removing the tag from our mattress.

It's little surprise that as a man, receipt of direction, orders, discipline, punishment, correction, and direction from a woman is more than an erotic act; it's an intellectual and emotional one, and feeds into a primordial need that's driven men to their knees to worship women and idols, gods and birds and volcanos for thousands of years. Regardless of whether we identify as a diaper or panty wearing sissy or a submissive, or something else, even if we're a take-command type that doesn't see ourselves as submissive, it's nearly coded into our DNA to accept some level of direction from something, or someone above us. We need, at some level, to be told what to do, and on an even deeper level, to be corrected or punished if we don't do it. Sometimes if we do.

If the original poster has found a positive response from her subject, by being strict and punishing him, then she's mined valuable data, and should capitalize on it. Whether he knows it or not, her man wants her to.

 

I don’t think it’s a matter of turning off your caring nature, it’s that you need to a different perspective. You’re not torturing him, you’re administering a much needed punishment to correct his behavior. You say that he doesn’t like being punished, well that’s fine, that will ensure that your punishments are effective. You mentioned that he is giving you attitude because you’re keeping him in extended chastity and from what I recall, he’s pierced, so there’s no way for him to escape your chastity enforcement. May I ask how long are you generally keeping him locked up without release? Nonetheless, any sexual frustration he’s experiencing is absolutely no excuse for being disrespectful towards you and as you’ve already experienced, an aggressive punishment is very effective at correcting and deterring such disrespect. I think you’re doing the right combination of things…strict chastity enforcement, aggressive punishments for attitude, etc. One thing you’ll want make sure you’re doing is redirecting all his pent up sexual energy into something productive…have him pamper you, pleasure you with his cage on, give him chores, etc. Remember, you’re in a FLR that he agreed to and you’re well within your right to enforce his chastity and punish him for any misbehavior, whether he likes it or not and no matter his objections. At the end of it all, you’re doing it for his own good, steering him in the right direction, whether he realizes it at the time or not. I hope this helps. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

When I was in Chastity for long periods, I substituted / adapted my pleasure to come from other parts of my experience. Taking it from behind or having a firm spanking moved from pain to ecstasy. Serving moved from burden to desire. But behind all of that was still my want to have attention, no matter how it was received. I would get moody when I felt ignored and blissful the moment I got any type of attention.

 

Caring, by definition, is an act of providing what another needs. Dominance can be looked at as another form of caring. You have indicated his behavior seems more settled after discipline. It is quite possible you provided just what he needed when he needed it.

In that context, it seems unlikely you should try to “turn it off”. Your empathy towards others is a rare quality, you have a sense for what others need. You might consider expanding your definition of caring, building upon it rather than turning it off.

We often hear a similar question; “I’m too nice to be mean”. I like your question focused on caring which seems to me to be outward facing rather than inwardly focused. That indicates that you must be an amazing Domme. Trust your instincts, they sound pretty solid.

 

I neglected to say that after any painful physical punishment or play, Mistress would always make sure I was okay and in a nurturing way tell me what she wanted & expected of me. I found myself very accepting at that point and would be motivated to try to meet her expectations in the future.

That part is very important in this process.

 

i was raised to be a loving and caring female . it came naturally to me though often i feel men in general seem to rely on women's good nature to a fault. that said i often thought it is there to temper my sadistic side which serves me well as ma'at. in the beginning of my flr lifestyle i feared that my pleasure in being sadistic would take over and i would become a horrible person. i can only imagine what one who is not caring become.
sometime i feel i have gone too far yet puck's behavior is quickly corrected(positive reinforcement for my actions). my heart goes out for her, i feel the desire to comfort her and even apologize for what i know she deserved ( not that i do) . there lies the balance which enables me to be sadistic without going way too far, strong and demanding, loving and caring all at the same time.
as it turns out my life could not be any better.

 

There's a huge difference between giving someone some physical pain with anger and aggression, and doing the same with a friendly smile, a laugh, and a sparkle in your eye.

The first can provoke fear, the latter can be highly erotic for both.

 

I think this sums it up. I have the same problem, I get in a mood and then get mouthy or sarcastic with Her and it’s not fair.
I have an amazing Wife/KH and we’ve been practicing FLR only since February.
She is naturally caring and tender and I don’t think would ever want to inflict pain on anyone.
Over the months it has gotten a little bit easier for her to administer physical punishment but I know she doesn’t like to do it.
However, she is definitely realizing that it’s beneficial for her and for me if she swiftly punishes me when I get in “that mood”.
I don’t want to be in “that mood”, but it happens and I find it difficult to get back to my submissive state (especially if I am allowed a release).
I need to be reminded that my priority is to serve HER. The faster the reminder comes the faster we get back to being happy. I hope that I won’t always need the reminder but for now, 50 strokes with the crop definitely helps me get back to knowing my place and our goals.
The spanking is awful in the moment but immediately afterward, I feel better. I feel loved, cared for, and incentivized to not disappoint Her again. I’d bet it has the same effect on most sub husbands. Not all, but most

 

I agree,

 

My worse moods are when I want to feel something but I'm struggling to get there, usually the first few days. If sexual teasing is off the table, I want to feel that my denial is, my submission is, my patience is, appreciated I guess. I want to get back to that headspace. The anticipation and afterglow of punishment does that. And if I'm in a mood and it's hormonal, then I should deal with it better. I think you are completely justified

 

It makes me smile because you asked for advice from other mistresses. It seems that we submissives have a lot to say! Because only Ma'at Rebekah took that opportunity.

It's a great idea, to have inserted an exclusive channel for mistresses, the only thing we are able to do is put likes.

I will be no exception here, because I too need to express myself!!!

Generally, I have frustration when I had needs and unmet expectations. It can come from work, friends, my relationship with my mistress, maybe I feel abandoned sexually (I'm not talking about being caged necessarily).

I seem to have cycles during the year when it's harder and other times when it's easier. The winter period for me here in Canada, especially the end of fall because maintenance tasks after snow and storms, workloads and the coming of Christmas are stressful times for me where my moral and my temperament becomes more aggressive and stressed.

Towards the end of winter, and in the spring, I feel like willing to partying, fuck and having social activities has going out to BDSM parties and surprisingly I have more motivation to take a place of submission. As if spring was when we could take stock and start again with new resolutions. Like a rebirth of youth where everything is possible and where you can start from scratch.

What I find difficult with chastity is when I feel abandoned. This sometimes happens when we are very busy.

For me to receive a correction, to be punished, is like receiving a checkpoint, a framework. As much for my mistress as for me before a journey to be made from the situation.

 

Personally I see sadism as an outlet for joy and fun. I am not a disciplinarian. My D/s dynamic is Goddess style domination, meaning I expect my subs to be good boys who worship me and follow the rules, and if they disappoint me, telling them this is punishment enough. I don't like brats, and I don't like the idea that I have to discipline subs into doing what I want. I only take subs who are already naturally obedient.

Sadism is all about fun for me. I get pleasure out of it. I know that my subs like it, and that I don't push past their limits.

If you have inner conflicts about sadism, perhaps focusing on aftercare of your subs after sadism can make you feel comfortable with it.

 

When we began our journey, by buying our first chastity device and discussing FLR, Miss A was a complete newcomer to the whole concept. She rapidly became a convert to the lifestyle and did a great deal of on-line reading to understand what it was all about, and what options were available to her as a Mistress. The one thing which she said she would never be able to do was to use corporal punishment on me, she did not want to inflict pain. She is naturally a very loving and maternal type and the concept was alien to her.

I think that position lasted no more than 6 months, and after I had managed to annoy her severely, she inflicted a spanking which left bruises. It also left her feeling much better emotionally as she had dealt with the problem to her satisfaction.

From that point domestic discipline became one of the core elements of our relationship, and Miss A is happy to admit to now enjoying providing that discipline, when required, and for genuine reasons.

Does that make her a sadist? The answer has to be yes, but her satisfaction from providing discipline is secondary to the importance of the act in maintaining the core dynamic of the relationship.

 

I have a smile on my face when punishing you. Probably because I know it’s what you need