Lack of sex drive but enjoys sex?

@Anonoman, hugs for you. No need to apologise for the rant.

There could be all kinds of reasons - tiredness for real, seasonal slump (it can hit people really hard this time of year), hormonal slump.

Low self-esteem might also be a reason - she might not think you want to have sex with you so she doesn't start anything for the fear of being rejected. There might not be any reason for this fear other than her perception but the fear is real, believe me. Or she thinks it's too much work for you and you might not be keen on going for as long as she wants, in which case pleasure becomes a chore and something to get over with quickly. It probably makes no sense but one thought along the lines of 'he's just going through the motions, his heart isn't in it' - and next time you're in bed you find yourself tensing up for no reason.

You could try initiating physical contact without any sexual overtones, like a gentle cuddle while watching rubbish tv. Or offering to give her a backrub when she's tired - no strings attached (maybe some nice body lotion or body butter to add a little extra). Try not to make every physical interaction about sex, if that makes sense.

Hope it works out for you.

 

@Anonoman when you say a lack of sex drive how often would you say the two of you have sex?

 

My ex wife was exactly the same, although in the end she just hated me so sex wasn't on the agenda anyway. When we had sex it would be over almost too quickly she was very quick to climax and as we get older we know whats fake and whats not, but she referred to having sex as "having to perform".

One of the contributing factors to our break up (and this certainly wasn't the only thing) was her complete indifference to my needs. We did practice chastity and I would give her endless massages night after night do all manor of things but would still be met with indifference. I ended up feeling like I was a slave. Some here might be OK with that, unfortunately I am not.

Mistress also doesn't often "feel the need" to have sex, however she is not indifferent to me, although she can punish me from time to time by ignoring it and that's the worst. But I know she never forgets.

She knows that once we are having sex she enjoys it but she decides when. As well as other activities which I have learnt to substitute for her having a orgasm simply because I know she enjoys it (such as pegging, paddling amongst other things) .

The only activity i am able to "ask" for is a paddling, which I don't like but it gives me relief anyway (god knows why because it hurts). Sometimes if I cheeky i mist ask for a indulgent edge, but that will be with my own hand Mistress will do me the honor of supervising.

While we don't live together...we spend nights together, as an example... we are sometimes awake early in the morning and neither of us can sleep...and its like why don't we have sex then??? for a man that makes perfect sense but for a women, there is no way thats going to happen.

I think you have to accept women are built differently, the challenge for you is for your wife to understand that while these things are not "the most" important things to you they are still very important. I was never able to convey these things to my ex wife, I am lucky enough to have someone in my life now which is empathic to my needs, conditional that it is in her control, and I am good with that. Still I can sometimes go off the rails and try and top from the bottom, but my butt will pay.

 

As @Abstraction said no apologies needed. While I like CM a lot, there's been a bunch of times I've come on and ranted only to be lectured on what's wrong with me. Sometimes frustration just gets the better of us. We wish things were different or we're just having trouble today. My wife has always had a lower sex dive than me and having kids only widened that divide. I think that's why many guys that take to chastity have a masturbation problem coming in the door. I remember days where I would debate whether or not to jerk off. I'd say to myself "maybe she'll want to have sex tonight". So I wouldn't masturbate and then she wouldn't want sex and I'd be mad at her. I'd think "Screw it, I'll just masturbate and not wait". I will say that my chastity has improved her sex drive, but she's certainly no sex fiend. If I tried to wake her with oral servitude as some people go on about, I'd get cold cocked. I'm not sure if you're really looking for advice or just commiseration. Probably more the latter, so I'll stop here.

 

@Anonoman, how does she show 'no interest'?

It sounds a bit like depression...

 

I have to agree. Unfortunately many people men and women will never acknowledge this fact, and it goes untreated to the detriment of marriage. My ex was almost certainly borderline personality mixed with depression. They tend to see the world as they see it and fail to accept that not everyone perceives the world the same way they do. They can not put themselves in another persons shoes as such have zero empathy.

The news here is equally depressing, when I asked a therapist about what you can do, the answer was you cant really do anything. You can only build your world around them as best you can, I failed in this. Fortunately Mistress recognizes her own depressive moods (we are liars if we claim we dont have our down days) and deals with them for the most part, she "self monitors" which is an extremely valuable attribute however in many ways is still a human being like the rest of us. Thats just one of her attributes I truly love. For the most part she is a wonderful human being to be around but no one is perfect.

In all honesty while we as men would love the regularity as more often, what you are getting here is probably more regular than most. Hard to hear, I am 53 while you are 40 and have had 13 years longer to learn to control how I feel and sometimes still fail, we still fight, even if its sometimes because mistress is being a bit too empathic and "thinks" i am sulking when i am not.

I can easily climax 5-8 times PER DAY if left to my own devices....now I am in a device that's more like every 1-4 weeks, we will do "something" once per week be it a paddle, or a stroke, pegging sometimes we might have two activities involving my submission...although we talk more about things than we do. and sometimes we have sex, I never know if i will be allowed to climax or not but that's her choice. I admit if we don't do "something" even if its just a paddle once a week I start to feel ignored.

Anyway I hope this sort of helps...it does sound a tiny bit like you have a view on how things should be and that differs from your where your wife is. One mantra I speak to myself a lot....good things come to those that wait PATIENTLY, it may not be in the time that you want it, but just know that it will come eventually. Pestering, sulking and pressure have the exact opposite to what you want. I know it makes it very hard when you feel there is nothing. You feel the need to create something from nothing. Nurturing with service is probably the best path and rewarding positive outcomes with something special wouldn't hurt either. But everyone is different.

I think I know where you are coming from its a very tough path. But if you have at least some engagement then you are lucky than many.

LOL at picking a fight thats a standard tactic for sex evasion.

Good luck sorry for the long rant

 

Has her appearance changed? Weight gain? You say she doesn't want a haircut and colour - does she need either/both? Does she care about what she wears?

It might not be full-blown depression but there are definitely signs that she isn't interested in things for herself. Perhaps she feels she doesn't deserve them - in which case, she'll give them up and that'll make her feel worse about herself, which in turn will make her reluctant to do anything about it because 'who cares anyway'. That's a downward spiral that can lead to low (or non-existent) self-esteem and/or clinical depression.

Not to pry, but have your life circumstances changed recently? Is money tight? Does she work too much? Or, if she doesn't work, does she have an outlet for herself, a hobby or something she likes to do (besides rubbish tv)?

 

i feel you.

i have no advice, only solidarity. my wife has a similar approach, and has had since she moved in back in 2007. It kicked into high gear after our first child, where we had a gap of 26 months with nothing at all. Then we created our second child over a weekend and it was nothing at all for about 40 months. Then a few times, then another 14 months, then a quick one-off and so on. We're currently in a 44 month drought with no sign of ending. She's not depressed, she's just not interested.

So, clearly, i have no advice. Just solidarity.

 

I got this brother...

You love her too.. am I right... no chance of cheating because for some reason SHE is it but it drives you nuts because EVERYTHING you do or have tried for 3 decades hasnt worked?

"What the fuck.. this woman is asexual! I know it"

You might have even got a girlfriend on the side (brace yourself for harsh language because it is coming)
This girlfriend.. you screwed her like crazy. Every single thing you ever wanted to do with her she did willingly. Your final straw was the one time where you said. "This isnt real.. Im going to try and break her.." so you proceed to (with her loving every minute of it) have anal sex with her 3 times before you fall over in exhaustion and she is just asking for more. And after this.. she is snuggling you and asking for more sex.. but..
You KNOW she isnt the one.. and you STILL love that woman?

Oh maybe you didnt cheat.. and that is great.. because you wont need to. Im here to tell you it is pointless. DONT do it.

How close am I?

took me 30 years to unravel this mystery. Ive read.. 50-60 books EASILY on the subject. Tried everything, supplments, prescription drugs, 1000s of dollars in sex toys, sex furniture, sex swings. Lingerie, The list goes on..

Brace yourself.

 

What Logit3x said.

 

I share a similar situation with my wife apparently having no interest in anything either. I don't remember when we last had sex (I'm trying not to count), it might have been a year ago. I would do anything for my wife. Coffee in bed every morning, massages, back rubs, foot rubs, a good amount of chores around the house, handling the kids. I think I am doing quite a bit for her. At most I get a peck on the cheek about once a week. She continuously tells me she loves me, but she does nothing else. I just want some intimacy. I'm not asking for sex, just some physical attention, like cuddling.
The only thing she has said on this topics is that she thinks of me as an extension of herself, and she focuses on everyone but herself, so it seems she also doesn't focus on me. We've discussed this many times, nothing changes.
Thanks for reading. I'm open to suggestions!

 

Let me ask you something if you don’t mind, just curious. What does she really think about your kinks? The outfits, chastity, everything.

I only mention it because I know that some things you can’t unsee or unlearn, and like it or not might see you differently. I know this is true with gender stuff, even if they say they are game, many times they just see you differently and sex becomes attached to it and they can’t shake it off.

When they do commit to it, they enjoy it, but they have steeled themselves up for it, readied for what was to happen. The kink not in the back of their mind needling in but out front where they can see it.

Im not saying that it s the case with you two, I certainly don’t know your full history, just wondering if some of this issue started after she was aware of your sexual preferences.

Anyway just a thought. Good luck

 

I agree with both these posts, if you have already ruled out the first since your last post in this thread, then maybe the second? Hope you can work it out.

 

How are you going to proceed. Status quo or some sort of change up.

 

I would love to do it once a month! That would be amazing. Two years on - no change here... Still trying.

 

My sex drive has always been higher than my better half. When crazy busy and tired we've probably been around once a month for sex. We sort of go through phases.

At the moment we are totally into each other, lots of hugging, kissing, teasing, playing and having full sex when she wants it... every 2 to 3 weeks. I suspect for her that's normal.

When we do have full sex she really enjoys herself, she just doesn't want do do it all the time (unlike like me). She does let me go down on her in-between if she's in the mood, but that mood fluctuates. For every night activity, she wants a foot massage and a cuddle.

What my better half really likes is the attention and my desire for her.

 

You may want to do some research because PCOS is often misdiagnosed by doctors when she could have Cushing's Syndrome. Similar symptoms but low libido goes with Cushing's and not usually PCOS which is characterized by higher androgen levels. Her doc can verify by looking for abnormal cortisol levels. Wouldn't hurt to do a full hormone assay. What does her A1C and fasting glucose look like?

 

Jessica Alexander is of course right, we should all be getting regular checkups with our doctors and discussing concerns... and yes I'm overdue a visit

But, there is not necessarily anything "wrong" with someone who wants sex once per month.

In general women want sex less than men. In general women arousal is more complex than men. I mean I just have to be conscious... maybe even that doesn't matter My better half doesn't like to do anything when she has her period, so there is a window of slightly less than 3 weeks out of every four ish weeks (and the timing varies, damn it!). She has no idea when we last had sex, I'm counting the days.

There are lots of surveys of women's libido, the results vary, but it is always lower than I expect.

From a survey of Australian women the top three answers for frequency were:

1. Once a week
2. Once every two weeks
3. Once a month​

I can't find the article to get the percentages

But here's some other random statistics (they are from the internet so they must be true):

• Over a year "most" married couples average sex 5 times a month
• Only 48% of married women want regular sex after four years
• 7.5% of married people say they have sex daily
• 12% of married people haven't had sex for at least three months
• One third of married couples are interested in BDSM & bondage

For us chastity and a FLR aligns my libido to hers. In the past when not doing chastity and a FLR we'd go through periods of having sex much more frequently, but that was her pleasing me and aligning to my desires.

 

I have the same. My wife has had zero sex drive since menopause hit. I do not press the issue and just have to take what comes along. I have tried many things to show my love but it has not in any way jump started her sex drive. The last time I had PIV was almost six years ago on our honeymoon.