Chastity sucks

@Ed Brock In the beginning, like you, I “gifted” my wife books “tried to explain” chastity to her and while my wife was on board for it nearly from the start I always felt her interest was lukewarm in the beginning as well because she wasn’t immersing herself and I into a femdom lifestyle. I spent a good few years waiting for something “big” to happen, like one day I was going to walk into my house and she would be waiting for me dressed in latex wearing a giant strap on lol. That’s what I wanted and was ignorantly expecting from her. Just having an expectation like that is topping from the bottom in my opinion, and whenever I tried to talk to her about the state of things she never wanted to talk about it. I now realize that she didn’t want to talk about it because it was always me trying to explain to her about what I wanted and how she could be doing things better. That’s not the behavior of a submissive that’s the behavior of an asshole and it took me longer than it should’ve to realize that. I’m really surprised that my wife stuck with it as long as she did because I’m sure I was a pain in the ass but she could clearly see the benefits to us having a chastity marriage and kept on with it.

I asked her to lock me, I told my wife the truth about my bad porn and masturbating habits and how I thought I could benefit from her having more control over me and how she could benefit from having an obedient and more willing husband and she agreed. What I didn’t communicate to her was how I wanted/hoped with chastity that we’d delve into a more bdsm lifestyle and that I was ultimately pushing for that. Those were totally unfair expectations of her on my part, especially without directly asking her about that, I thought the books would convince her for me. Furthermore I never asked what she really wanted and how she thought we should proceed with things.

Then I finally had my big realization and understood my mistakes I had made up to that point. I realized I wasn’t making chastity about my wife beyond what I was trying to get out of it for myself. After my epiphany I took my wife out on a date and explained my realization of how I’d been wrong. I told her I wanted to do things the way she wanted to do them and I would only politely make requests and never push her for anything when I have an idea or desire. She was very flattered and appreciative of my gestures and we haven’t looked back since then and that was like 4 years ago. When I actually made my focus more about her needs and pleasure versus my desires I felt more emotionally rewarded and generally better about myself. In turn she’s felt more comfortable exploring her role as my domme.

Teasing for me is just some flirting or a firm grab on my cage to let me know she hasn’t forgotten. She’s never uncaged me for physical teasing. Although the way we live our lifestyle is far from my fantasies (which is probably a good thing) I am still incredibly satisfied with the way things are and have been going. I love her control and the way she throws it around to make me feel, I had to learn that the things she likes are more from a point of mental stimulation versus physical. That was initially hard for me to adjust to because I’m such a physical person but at the end of the day when she’s ready to play with me in whatever manner she wishes it is all so satisfying seeing her do it her way. To sum it all up, sex may not be as frequent as I want but good lord is it good and worth the wait for whatever she wants to do.

I’m guessing you’ve probably annoyed your partner by wanting to have the “talks” with her because you’re probably doing the same things I was doing. You need to change your perspective on chastity and try to not to focus on how long you’ve been locked or all the things you want. Go along with what your wife is doing and what she wants and see how things progress. Changes are incredibly slow in these kinds of relationships and sometimes you don’t see what has changed until it smacks you right in the face.

Chastity is not what you wanted because it’s not fitting your mold of fantasies but give your wife a chance and even though perhaps your experience might be vastly different from your fantasies you might be surprised how rewarding this lifestyle can be as well as your wife loving that you’re doing things her way without constant judgement.

Good luck!

 

I enjoyed your post, actually I read it as a first post. I have been feeling frustrated with my wife/sex life that it created serious problems in our relationship. It was a hard realization to see that I have been wanting my fantasies to be fulfilled, and she was the one who was obligated to fulfill them. Ouch, this was painful. Yes, topping from the bottom. When I realized that I just needed to let her sex desires and needs come forth, and not direct every kinky scene, things started to change. I have suddenly appeared in a completely blissful state, where she was in control, because I allowed myself to be happy just where I was - in a submissive role.

Many years of masturbation to porn, I have created impossible expectations, which caused some hard barriers to our sex life, but slowly by slowly, with lots of patience and communications, I am letting go of the impossible fantasy, and enjoying the connection and more intimacy with my life, without so much kink. My brain struggles sometimes a lot, but that I tell myself that this is what I wanted. I want to worship her and be in her lead. It is rewiring my brain.

This took many years, and it is still in progress. I still sometimes fall into the fantasies, but than remember myself that what I have is actually darn good. I have noticed that by sharing fantasies with her, without expectation can dissolve the urgency for the fantasy itself.

 

Thank you Ed for starting this thread. Thank you, all you veterans for the detailed, sound advice! I am both excited and terrified of what might my future might entail.

 

To be clear, this is his Mistress replying to this thread.

First off, there is such an amazing amount of excellent advice and commentary offered here that I am in awe.

Secondly, even if both people are kinky, coming to a negotiated way of life takes time and a lot of honest communication. For me, it's taken a long time to come into my own as a dominant woman. As someone said above, change comes slowly. The other thing is change comes in fits and starts - it needs to be renegotiated often before it settles into reality.

Lastly, I cannot stress enough the need for honest communication. None of us are mind-readers and even though we can learn to read our significant others, we really don't know exactly what they are thinking or feeling about stuff as complicated as our sex lives, needs, desires, etc... So creating a non-judgmental, open space for honest communication without anger, backlash, etc. is vital - especially for women. As a male, you may never know how much women have been conditioned to not anger men. You may never know how difficult it is for women to accept service. However, you can create and enforce a safe space for her to talk to you openly on an ongoing basis and to accept your service. ;-)

 

Can’t have your cake and eat it too. Home Depot sells bolt cutters. If you chop up your cage and get rid of it, your wife will probably be happy with that. If she benefits from keeping you locked, she’ll be happy about that too.

It’s a win-win for her and a lose-lose for you.

 

Hi Ed,

While I'm a big fan of "Be careful what you wish for," and I agree with some folks that you are "topping from the bottom," Chastity is really just a framework for how you organize your relationship with your Keyholder.

The one thing you left out in your post is whether you had a conversation about this with your partner. It sounds like you've tried before, and she would'nt participate, but now she's decided she finally understands and knows what to do.

While in one way this is great, it is still an incomplete arrangement. You really need to have a quiet sit down over a glass of wine and a plate of cheese and agree that you will have a forthright discussion about how your new chastity arrangement is going, and have an exchange of views on what you each would like out of your chastity, and see if there can be a meeting of minds.

There is no substitute for this. She is not entitled to decline to talk with you about your relationship. Chastity, and marriage, for that matter, are not slavery. Your wife needn't agree with you on what you want, but in the same way, you needn't agree either. If chastity is not working out for you, of course you are entitled to end your participation in it. But my own personal experience is that kinks like Chastity don't "go away" if you ignore them. Wouldn't it be better to work out how to make your chastity relationship work for both of you. You've gotten this far, your so close.... It might take more than one glass of wine, and more than one sit down to explore your respective needs. Give it time, and give some thought to what about the chastity relationship is important to you, and what would make it work, and how to involve your Keyholder.

You also need to find out what changed for your partner, what brought her around to keeping you in chastity. That may answer some of your questions about why she is treating you the way she is. Perhaps she thinks this is the way you want it, and she's only doing this way, "for you!"

You both have work to do. And as in all relationships, not just kinky ones. This relationship work stuff just keeps needing to be done, over and over, because we keep changing.

So good luck, and keep us posted. FWIW - the clinical definition of a "Sexless Marriage" is one in which the partners have intercourse less than 12 times per year. You've certainly got it better than that.

ShieldingMatrix

 

it really looks like that chastity is doing its job for you ;-)

but more seriously, in my experience (I do have some with chastity that I really cant get out of) there are two situations while being locked up. The "lock and forget" which can be quite annyoing, even though perhaps an appropiate punishment if that what your keyholder desires, but then there is also the "tease and denial" variant, which is what I experience most of the time. Meaning that after a week chastity or two my interest in sex starts fading away. That effect can be reliably countered by having regular tease sessions. Mostly for me this is supervised unlock and edging, followed by lock-up, say every 3 or so days. Or having to watch some long and nice porn videos having to find an exact phrase that the actors are saying, or counting certaing things they do, etc.

 

Well, now you know what is like. It's mostly being caged in vanilla everyday life, not like is presented in porn. 10 days is such a small amount of time, i'm a newbie and already reached 28 days.
I can't afford to give you an advice but when horny i would go do something for her, anything, not neccessarily something physical, cook something, tell her a joke, use that energy in a positive way.
Topping from bottom yes, but both sides should get what they want, i don't think it works if one is frustrated on a bigger scale.
You must decide if this is what you want. Apparently she enjoys this, if you back out now don't expect her to be so receptive next time. Many guys out here can only wish their wife adopt this as a lifestyle.

Good luck to both of you!

 

This is a great thread, I enjoy reading everyone's reality of chastity. We ALL envision living a real-life porn scene, but for most people, that's not everyday life. As someone above mentioned, I too wake up in the morning and remind myself that I'm living a fantasy, even if it's kinda boring. This is what we wanted! Enjoy.

 

I think, unusually the other way around from most couples, that she's "got it" first, and you haven't yet.

If you're being unlocked to orgasm every 10 days or so, then you're not going through the barrier of orgasm denial, your hormones are never reaching and settling down into the "permanent bliss" state.

Do ask your wife to do the recommended 90 day stretch of continuous chastity.
When you get to weeks 2, 3 and 4 it might feel totally impossible, but believe me, when you get to your second and third month, your understanding will change totally. You'll either both love it, or hate it, but there's only one way to find out... Do it.

There are a number of posts in the forum explaining the hormonal changes that occur, so I'll not repeat them here. Do search them out and read them. Someone might have a handy link to one.

 

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I really sympathize for your response, views and response.
It not only overlaps with my/our story but it seems smart and bring a great synthesis of kink, love, desire and real life.