I posted an introduction in the Foyer yesterday. For anyone who didn't read it, briefly, I've just started into chastity. Don't have a CD, just my word of honor. My wife's libido is markedly less than mine, we last had sex on 28th June and we signed the contract yesterday. The main purpose was to take pressure off my wife so she doesn't feel guilty when she refuses sex and I was not expecting her to want sex for maybe another couple of days, but last night she was hot! (Did I mention we're both 62?) She had two powerful orgasms and I, of course, had none. I was not so frustrated afterwards as I'd expected, but I felt decidedly submissive. So my question, for the ladies is, is it a turn on for you knowing that it's all about your pleasure since hubby simply isn't getting anything tonight? Does it make you feel more dominant? Do you sense your hubby's submissiveness?
I do! There is a complete personality switch in pet once we enter back into the chastity lifestyle. I do have to be careful though because there is a 2 week "wall" at which he becomes quite depressed and resentful, no matter how much T&D is involved. That's just his limit right now.
The control is in having the key, and knowing that he can't get hard. Subby has been breaking in a birdlock, but he hasn;t had it on much for the last couple of weeks. But I don't like teasing him when he isn't in chastity. Put the device on and I become a woman possessed! And as he watches me type this, he is moaning as he strains against the device
My wife doesn't have a key as I'm not locked up. She trusts me not to have an orgasm without her permision, though, so she has the same amount of control that she would do with a CD. If you could trust your subby to the extent that you knew he wouldn't come without permission, would that also be hot?
I do think that would be hot. Not as hot, though, as with sub in a chastity device... Without a device I think it is much easier for a sub to cheat. Obviously not ever sub would/or does cheat, but it's just one less barrier there to help them control themselves. My fiance is trying to get the fit right on the jailbird and so he hasn't had the lock on the past week. Knowing this makes me feel... I dunno how to explain it, but I'm not happy with it. I like knowing that I am the only one who can grant him an orgasm, and that even if he wanted to cheat (by pulling out, not destroying the CD) he can't. That brings a devilish grin to my face and just the thought of it gets me excited.
Yes and there are those mistresses (*looks over to mistress Spike) who dont even want their husbands to have erections without their permission. So even IF i managed not to orgasm without her permission (which i cant) then i would still be having erections since you cant always control those. A device will stop that too (very frustrating, but does make having an erection when she does allow it feel amazing!)
It's a combination of both for me. I do like hub in his device and if he is away on business, he does wear his CB6000 with disposable numbered locks - he then picture messages me with the time so that I can see he is keeping clean and happy. Round the house, we now mainly use the honour system but I do lock him up in his Erosteel from time to time. Does it make me feel dominant? I'd say it makes me feel playful rather than dominant. It amuses me greatly to tease him remotely knowing that hundreds of miles away from me, he is straining in his cage thinking of me. In play when he is home, the metal cage looks sexy and can be incorporated with bondage if I'm feeling creative. If he is being teased and denied and I sense he needs a bit of help in not getting too tempted, I put him back in a device - I am a caring wife Ofcourse he could cheat, any sufficiently motivated man could. But he wants to be kept chaste for me, he gets a lot from it so it seems daft to risk the very thing that you crave by temporary intervention and I put a lot of thought and effort in training him to understand that orgasms without my say so are very poor substitutes for granted pleasures. We both enjoy the more cerebral side of things, him the internal struggle and the massively enhanced, unpredictable orgasms when allowed and I enjoy his pleasure in it, his delight and calmness in submission and the creativity needed to keep chastity interesting. In terms of "sensing" his submission, women are naturally always very attuned to behaviours as a general rule especially in their husband. I find hub's submissiveness to be a little cyclical. It waxes and wanes and sometimes this is effected by play and device wearing but in the main, I believe both men and women have their own hormonal phases (albeit very different). You say "not getting any" in your post but that depends on how you define sex too by the way. If you mean just orgasm, then his not getting an orgasm isn't where the fun lies, it's the whole tease and denial and submission re enforcement. In terms of sexual contact and attention, he gets a lot but it just doesn't result in automatic orgasm for him so the whole thing gets constantly re enforced. When it does, it absolutely rocks his world!
Sorry, bad expression. I meant "not getting any orgasms". I'm personally finding it hard right now - we just started recently and so far all I've experienced is the frustration of no orgasms and I'm still waiting for my first mind-blowing orgasm to show me that it's been worth it. Just how infrequent do orgasms have to be to rock one's world - once a week, once a month, once a year?
As with all of chastity - it depends and I'd need to throw that one open to the guys for their view. My hub says that the constant sexual tension he feels also enhances his experience and I don't often let him get to the two week limit, simply because I have a sex drive too! Your personal reasons for chastity also affect your expectations too. If it is linked to submission to your wife, as with many of the men on here (and my hub) then her pleasure - and denial of yours is the primary reason for being chaste - rather than the enhanced orgasm. There are ofcourse guys on here who practice solo chastity purely for the pleasure of delayed gratification and I'd have to let them speak from their own experiences. That all said, that wasn't what I had picked up from your initial post. You and your wife have a sex drive mismatch and you see chastity as a way to take the pressure off by handing her control which is admirable but it sounds like you are already losing patience with this. A lot of the guys take that frustration you are feeling right now and divert that energy by utilising it in ways that make them both more productive and better behaved rather than focusing on the lost opportunities to orgasm. The virtuous circle of this is that the energy spent being a better, more attentive husband exhibiting all the courtship behaviours that women value will change her behaviours too. Put simply, women feeling valued and sexy by the man in their lives usually respond with more romantic interest. It's a long game strategy and suppressing the male urge to orgasm takes some serious patience and will power. Often, the "kink" of chastity and submission is something that the man has been thinking about for some time. When they approach it with their wives, they can often ruin it for themselves by being imnpatient with the wife who had never given it a minutes thought before - and may even intially feel quite puzzled or even appalled. It's the changes in you and your behaviour that will dictate whether this new direction in your lives will be a successful one. She also needs to do some thinking and research to see how your submission works for her in your marriage. It may make her more dominant or - more realistically - you are going to have accept subtly serve her in whatever way she is comfortable with. Make no mistake, this is major rewiring of a lifetimes' worth of behaviour and requires a lot of sensitivity, communication and feedback. Good luck!
[quote name='Spike's Bitch' date='10 July 2010 - 07:02 PM' timestamp='1278802923' post='50289'] Yes and there are those mistresses (*looks over to mistress Spike) who dont even want their husbands to have erections without their permission. So even IF i managed not to orgasm without her permission (which i cant) then i would still be having erections since you cant always control those. A device will stop that too (very frustrating, but does make having an erection when she does allow it feel amazing!) [/quote] This is one reason I want to get a device! My current substitute is bikini-style underwear that's a size smaller than I usually wear. It's tight enough to prevent full erection (maybe not for those on the smaller side as I can tuck mine rather far back and it will stay put) and has the benefit of a little extra material in the front. They're a cheap alternative for that kind of control until we decide to take the plunge on a device. Just bought a bunch today actually to replace my boxers - really disappointed that Wal-Mart is the only department store around here that sells that style of underwear, and mostly in very boring colors/patterns... I got the idea from trying panties in the past.. those won't do now though because my girlfriend isn't into any femininity on me, and besides they just didn't cover all my gear well enough.
Well, I got my first orgasm after an extended period of abstinence (10 days) last night. The physical experience was good but I have to say not exceptional. What really surprised me was the emotional intensity. I haven't read anyone else mentioning this but I was so everwhelmingly grateful for her gift that I was, well literally, overCOME! My wife's needs are fully serviced by me without me achieving a climax (a feature of old age) so she does not need to set a limit for that reason. Though it will be interesting to see if my ability to last diminishes with a longer period of denial. Correct. The main motive was to take the pressure off her but I was hoping enhanced orgasms would be my quid pro quo. We've dabbled in femdom and if we were doing this as a domme/submissive thing I would need no compensation, but she is very clear she doesn't want to do that for extended periods. In fact I had to assure her this was not a slave thing before she agreed to try it. Losing patience? I think this was linked to the fact that this is not supposed to be a domme/slave activity. I realised I was feeling a severe lack of affection - she'd climax, say goodnight and go to sleep. Fine if you are her slave/ sex toy but it left me feeling used. We talked it over and I pointed out that if she were to tease me after her orgasm sometimes, preferably to the edge, then at least I know she's still thinking about my sexual needs (in this case frustration) and giving me something in return for the pleasure I'm giving her. That could be a vicious circle too. She gets more sexy right at a time when you can't take advantage of it. Aaaahhhhhhh! Thanks for all yuour comments.
My hub says that the emotional intensity of the "gift" of orgasm when it happens is huge and he does sometimes feel overwhelmed by it so I guess that chimes with what you say here. He finds the "being used" feeling a huge turn on by the way (objectification) so I dont think I'm in any position to offer any advice with that but you're communicating about it so you'll navigate your way through. I do love edging my hub but really that only came about by him asking me and I still don't really actually understand what he is going through. It's a bit counterintuitive to the female mind and does go against all the received wisdom of how men work - hence so many perjurative associations with "prick teasing" and "blue balling" so perhaps she just isnt aware of what you would get out of it. Nothing wrong with her feeling sexy and you not being able to "take advantage" of it by the way in the longer game. You may even be setting off a whole new ball game! Our sex life has evolved beyond anything we had in a vanilla context and it is a significant improvement for both of us.
I too find the feeling of being used awesome so i might not fully understand your issues with it. But it does sound a little risky to me to ask her to give you a certain amount of sexual attention after she is actually done and ready to go to sleep or do other activities because that does put some pressure on her. Certainly it doesnt put her in full control? I say just snuggle up against her after she just used you for sex. Lol! If my mistress is not in the mood to let me finish when she is done I am either allowed to jerk of (as long as I dont take too long) or have to put the device back on. Once you get your mind in the right mode to enjoy feeling used it can be very enjoyable for both
Thanks to Celtic Queen and Spike's Bitch for your comments. I quite understand why some men find objectification (being used) a turn on and I've read this is common in femdom relationships. Whilst we dabble in this I never found that aspect appealing so each to their own I guess. Since this isn't a femdom motivated chastity it is not important for her to be in full control - only that she is not under pressure to agree to sex if she doesn't want it. If she is in the mood, on the other hand, why should the sex not be reciprocol to some extent? And I wanted to add that my emotional reaction made me realise that this was the first time I had been literally OVERCOME by sex!
Oh for sure you know best what works for both of you! It sounds like you are on the right track by keeping the pressure of her.