How a working device changes "voluntary" chastity

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by Unremarkable Jamie, Dec 26, 2021.

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  1. Unremarkable Jamie
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    Unremarkable Jamie Active member

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    VERY "Too long; Didn't read": I found a device that seems to work. Having a device changes the dynamic of a "voluntary" chastity arrangement, and makes me feel like I want more involvement from my wife. That will only happen if we talk about it. Which I guess we will today.

    The details and reflection:
    As it's possible I'm getting serious about chastity, I'm also feeling like I need to share my experience with someone, so I'm blogging it here. There are so many bits to this.

    First off, I've never found a device that worked for me (with a very high and tight anatomy). Following a recommendation here, I got a Chinese "wire" cage device, which came and which is the first device I seem to be able to wear long-term (or even overnight). I posted my review and initial experiences with it in the "device review" forum. But for now, suffice it to say that I've been in it for for 3 days, with 10 minute break for a hygiene check. This is amazing for me, the most amazing part being sleeping with the cage on and getting a good night sleep.

    There are still some challenges, it's not like I can forget that it's on (maybe that's the point?) but it doesn't seem to get in the way much.

    Now we move on to the bigger challenges - relationship ones. Funny how sex and relationship go hand in hand.

    My wife of 35 years knows about my fascination with chastity, but it's not of particular interest to her. She's willing to hold the keys, but we haven't discussed how this would work since there's never been a device that made this possible. It came as a great surprise when this wire/cage device showed up and just worked. So I've never unlocked it while wearing it (the two times that it's been unlocked), and she has the keys (apart from the emergency key she gave me). But we haven't talked about when she might unlock it. Some background:

    For a long time, our agreement has been that I don't orgasm without her permission, and I don't touch my penis without her permission either. Over 15 or more years, I've cheated on orgasms once or twice (and told her, and she was quite disappointed), and on the touching maybe a dozen times without mentioning it. On the one hand, she says this dynamic is important to her. On the other hand, she does and says NOTHING about it - no teasing, no mention of it, just when we're frolicking in bed, I do have the option to ask if I can orgasm - though I ask fairly seldom. Most often, she'll ask me if I want to orgasm, and (left over from my femdom days - that's another story) I'll say, "Only if it would enhance your pleasure." Most of the time she says, "No" - occasionally she says "Yes." And sometimes I just say "Yes, I would like to cum" and she says yes. Of course my denial fantasy would love her to say "Oh, well sorry, Not today," but that is so far from her caring nature that I don't imagine it will ever happen.

    So here we are now, with me locked in a device that I don't think I need to unlock for at least a week, but with no understanding between us about when and why that might happen. Certainly, it would not be unusual for me to go a week without an orgasm. (Though maybe on a holiday week I might get lucky.)

    And yet, what's different? I get reminded every few minutes that I'm wearing the device. I get reminded that it's not my decision not to masturbate or orgasm, but that i'm impeded by this device, to which she has the keys. And I know (I think I know) that if I asked her to unlock me, she would. So to a certain extent, it is my decision - but to make that decision to ask her to unlock me would be to deny my long-term identification as someone who wants someone else to control his orgasm - so there's a personal cost to that.

    (I'm remembering a comment Tom Allen wrote long ago on his blog, where part of the attraction of chastity with a partner is that penises and erections are powerful and dangerous in a way, and need to be controlled by a partner.) I feel that I need to have some communication with my wife around this. A conversation for this afternoon. Also trying to figure out how possible aspects of her personality (aro, asex, nb) might play in to this conversation.

    So net net, moving on from the physical technical aspects of a chastity device now challenges us to move on the relational aspects. To be continued, as life does ....
     
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  2. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    Yes, a working device makes a massive difference. I think as long as my device involved some messing around and tinkering, my wife always second guessed for both of us. Once a working one turned up... well I've been wearing mine nearly a year.
     
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  3. Unremarkable Jamie
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    Unremarkable Jamie Active member

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    So we had a good candid conversation that started with "When should I (Jamie) be unlocked." It got to the key question of "When should I (Jamie's wife) say 'yes' if you ask for an orgasm." Her answer was, "After a certain amount of time, I feel like I 'should' say 'Yes' - like 5 or 6 weeks." I asked, "What makes you feel like you 'should?'" and she said, "Balancing what you want, how much you really want to cum with how much you want to be controlled." In other words, whether I cum or not has no intrinsic value to her, nor does the dynamic of her controlling me. We knew this, but I'm not sure we'd managed to put it in non-judgemental terms. She is just not a kinky person, yet she really wants me to be happy. She's willing to "play the game" but that can't imply that she has a real stake in this, and I'm unwilling to go along with the "let's pretend that I care about this" aspect.

    So going back to what I wrote above, our dynamic around orgasms for me has been, "I get to ask, and she determines 'Yes' or 'No.'" We've clarified that if she wants PIV sex, then it's my responsibility to get the belt unlocked - she's not in a hurry, but she's in that relaxed post-coital state where she doesn't want to scramble around either. My getting to unlock the belt with a tamper-evident key is a little less of the "I never get to unlock the belt, only she does" dynamic, but it works in this context.

    If I ask and she doesn't want PIV sex, the question remains, "Do I get to cum." We couldn't figure out any good way to answer that question other than the following: I roll some dice that range from "No" to "Yes, by rubbing on some part of her body" (the closest I'm gonna get to PIV sex until it's something she wants). For some couples where the woman likes to tease or to be in the man's head-space, she'll have a way to decide around that herself; that isn't an option for us. This seems to be a workable solution that we can try.

    It also means that (other than for hygiene etc) I'm not going to get unlocked very often. I guess we can mess around with the odds on that if it becomes a problem. My current plan is to unlock every day for work and relock when I get home, since for a variety of reasons, it's not approprite for me to wear a device at work.
     
  4. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    It may be good for both of you to agree an agreed upon term for training purposes for both of you. It can be rather freeing for both of you if you both know that the penis isn't getting unlocked except for a health emergency. A timer safe can keep you both honest because you will be reluctant to break a $60 key safe if you get overheated. She may even find some hidden desires when she knows that PIV isn't on the menu even if she wanted it. Get a KitchenSafe and pick 30-60 or 90 days and HAVE FUN!
     
  5. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    Seconded. A ksafe turns the problem on its head, and frees her up from second guessing during what should be relaxed spontaneous time.
     
  6. Unremarkable Jamie
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    Unremarkable Jamie Active member

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    mmm, I think @Giles_English and @Jessica Alexander have misunderstood a little. My wife wants PIV when she wants it (which is seldom, but occasionally). So me being locked away without her access to a key would be an inconvenience for her - one she has no interest in. The scheme we have allows her PIV when she wants it.

    I know there's a certain line of "purism" that says I "shouldn't" be unlocked other than for that, but given that she won't be doing any teasing or in any way acknowledging my locked up condition, I need some feedback about what's going one - "Set it and forget it" isn't satisfying to me, in a relationship to chastity kind of way. So that's the reason for the "after she has an orgasm, I get to ask and roll the dice as to what happens" - she doesn't have to decide, and I get reminded that this isn't in my control, and it feeds my small humiliation kink.
     
  7. Unremarkable Jamie
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    Unremarkable Jamie Active member

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    An update - upon removal for a hygiene check (and to make the rear cable about 1/4 inch longer), the inside of my right crotch (where the leg and trunk come together) where the cage hits, was red and angry and sore. On the theory of "catch it early and let it heal," the device was off for our 3 day out-of-town trip. We'll see how it looks when we get back. It is an annoyance that the cage is unnecessarily big and the tube unnecessarily long. Also found some thin foam craft supplies hanging around the house that pad the rear, front, and perineum areas, so we'll try those.
     
  8. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    Sounds as if you have everything optimised!
     
  9. SubSnuggler
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    SubSnuggler Owned by Mistress2and4you

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    Once you can’t slip out and she isn’t turning over the key, it gets real quick. Once my lady had me pierced that time arrived. I could probably get the security screw loose with tools, but it’s not worth it. I’m 100% locked and once you accept your fate life is actually marvelous. I do what I’m told and have zero expectations, which is remarkably liberating.
     
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  10. Queens kept
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    Queens kept Long term member

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    It sounds to me like you do not have everything optimised. i am thinking if you are getting sores and having to "pad things up" you need to take some careful measurements and pony up for a custom cage made to fit you. Almost everyone who is truly "long term" is in a custom device. O.k. i can't actually prove that, but just start asking around, you'll see. Once you can actually stay caged long term, be careful with your agreements because if She figures out what She can really get out of this "chastity thing" you will likely not be calling ANY shots ANYMORE! Also, my Queen does not allow access to any key for any reason. If i had an emergency, i would have to speak to Her first so She could tell me how to get a key. If i couldn't speak to Her first, the device would likely be cut off by emergency responders!
     
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  11. Unremarkable Jamie
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    Unremarkable Jamie Active member

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    @Queens kept , I love the way you and your Queen have arranged about the lack of access to a key - I think it makes it much more serious in my mind. I know my wife well enough that her risk/reward trade-offs won't take her there.

    Re padding etc, if I could find a ball-trap device that worked for me, I'd use it. But high-and-tight doesn't seem to be something they can accommodate. This belt/cage thing doesn't fit me perfectly, but it's the first thing I can tolerate for 72 hours or so (max so far); the padding makes it more comfortable, and it's really comfortable to sleep in, which is a plus.
     
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  12. Queens kept
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    Queens kept Long term member

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    Oh, i'm so sorry, i thought you were trying to use a ball trap device. i find it very remarkable,Jamie that you went the extra mile to practice chastity with a full belt device! : ) congratulations for the both of you! Keep at it and i bet you will find a workable solution. Glad you and your wife/key holder have rules in place. If my Queen did not make and enforce our chastity rules, our FLR would likely be a failure. You say you had only cheated on the rules once or twice in 15 years? How do you do it?!! i simply cannot not masturbate when opportunity allows. i have admitted as much to my Queen years ago and when we discovered the devices that can help with this, it was a no brainer for us! my Wife/Queen was a little apprehensive at taking such control but, after 2 minutes thought (while i was digging for some lube and a towel) She said yes, i'll try it! i am chaste as i write this, so it must have helped! LOL!!! That is not the only reason i am kept chaste, there are others, but that is another story. Good luck and have fun with it!
     
  13. Unremarkable Jamie
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    Unremarkable Jamie Active member

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    Thanks, @Queens kept . Frankly, it's not by choice. If I find a ball-trap device that works, I'll use it, and I think I'll keep looking. But this design seems plausible for long-term use, even if this particular one is sized wrong (cage and tube too big). If I could find a customized one, that sounds plausible.

    As it stands, she let me out yesterday morning for PIV. I had a lot of work today and for ... reasons ... I'm not comfortable working in the belt. So, work done this afternoon, I put it back on. I have access to the key, but only in tamper-evident ways, and the key is not necessary to put the belt on.

    Holy smokes do I feel more comfortable in the belt than out of it. Yes, it chafes the inside of my thighs, yes, I suspect I could get it off, or at least get my penis out if I twisted it one way or another, but being locked up beats the stuffing out of not being locked up, especially when unlocking is not my choice. I need to remind myself that I've never asked her to unlock this (other, I think, than for one quick adjustment at the beginning with her present). I have to teach a class tomorrow; we'll see how I do.
     
  14. Queens kept
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    Queens kept Long term member

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    This sounds wonderful! i am happy for you two that you have a workable solution! i have been trying to convince my Queen to have me pierced, but She is cautious and wants to go VERY 24/7 365 first, then MAYBE a piercing. It is a ways off, i think. She is very open to laser hair removal for me pretty much everywhere down there ( cocklett, scrotum, area around base ring, taint, butt hole, and crack). I have shaved it all for years. Can't remember the last time i had any hair down there! LOL!! Pretty sure She is on board for laser as it is one less "thing" for Her to have to do. She knows well i cannot be trusted without cage on in shower when shaving, so She gives me the key, and then "supervises" until i have finished shaving and relocking. She would love for me to get it lasered. Likely i will. i totally understand the feeling better when chaste. Queen still requires a rare piv session, but at some point, i will likely be denied piv as well as She seems to be steadily losing interest. So, if i were you, i would take all the piv you can get!!! Just wondering, what does" tamper evident" mean?
     
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