Waiting to see what I've gotten myself into

I prefer to have a place where I can just speak candidly and anonymously, and I don't think the Mansion is her cup of tea. But I am pretty open and honest with her, and I told her most of this already. She says she is interested in hearing what I'm going through as time goes on, and so I tell her.

Although as I was telling her about that first whiff of the "I may have bitten off more than I can chew" actual fear, she had a downright wolfish grin. And so of course I pointed that out. And told her I was starting to think that she had a genuine sadistic streak.... not a huge one, but a real, not-just-performing-playfully-to-be-a-good-partner sadistic side nonetheless. And that with each passing day she seems to get just a litttttle bit more comfortable expressing it.

I asked her whether she would agree with that. Without a pause or skipping a beat, she answered simply, "Yes."

But here's the thing - I made the promise and gave the power to her knowing that I might be uncomfortable with it. I did that because I figured I could handle whatever came down the pike. Kind of like launching your kayak into rapids, I guess? Any fear is just part of the ride - I'll navigate it one way or the other.

 

Day 16 I think.

I'm in a bad goddamn mood and I'm hating this shit right now.

 

OK, a few hours later and I feel better. Nothing happened to change things, it's just a hormonal and emotional rollercoaster sometimes.

On the one hand, it's tiring and embarrassing to have radical mood swings like a teen - especially since I'm usually pretty even-keeled. On the other hand, it is kind of funny - once the tempest dies down, anyway.

 

Thanks, it's definitely something I've gotten better at over the years. But of course the longer I'm in chastity, the more difficult it gets - which then gets balanced out by the consequences I'd face if I came when I was not supposed to. Not sure exactly what they'd be, but I'd regret it - probably starting with no PIV for a while. And what I do get these days is really, really worth it, even without the grand finale.

The other part of it is that she is pretty good at figuring out when I'm getting close. She doesn't hesitate to push me off forcefully when I get past where she thinks I should be. That push-off is just such a sad sinking feeling.

 

Day 19.

Things keep getting a little more challenging every day. And I know I'm going about this process the "wrong" way. As the discomfort increases, I get more difficult. I ask. I try to persuade. I "joke" about how much I'm suffering. It's all very unsubtle attempts at manipulation, often combined with topping from the bottom.

I realize this is probably tiring, but I do it anyway. For a few reasons. The main one probably being that it has worked in the past. I'd put on a show about how difficult things were, how badly I was struggling, and it usually an O wouldn't be far behind.

Things seem to be going differently this time around, and it's because of one little change she made. In the past, she always said there would be no timetable for me - she didn't want to restrict her own freedom of choice by making concrete plans. So by pushing for what I wanted, I made it increasingly difficult for her to keep saying "No."

But this time around, she came up with this "3 wishes" plan. The last time we had sex before the cage went back on, she said I had 3 wishes - for an O however I wanted it. And I could save them and use them whenever I wanted - until the end of the year. Of course I used one right away, which leaves me with 2. Until 2022.

Since she revealed that plan, I haven't really believed that 2 was a hard limit for the rest of the year. I've been just kind of assuming that if I push/nag/argue enough, I can get more. But the troubling part is, she hasn't budged. And we talked about this a little last night. By giving me the discretion to use a wish any time, it's much, much easier for her to dismiss any begging and persuading. She just asks if I'm using one of the wishes, and if I say no, then she figures it's my choice and she doesn't need to think twice about saying no to a freebie or bonus.

So as we talked about that last night, she sounded more confident than I expected, that 2 for the rest of the year was all I will be getting ("But not me - I'll be getting a lot more than that"). While part of me still assumes this isn't true, I'm giving more serious thought to the idea that it is. And it doesn't feel good. But as I told her this morning, if I live in denial about my reality, that's more comfortable than acceptance. Accepting my situation feels like capitulation - ilke giving up any chance of getting what I want. And I'm sure many people on this site will tell me that's what I should just be doing. If I get to that point, though, it's going to take a little time and consistent boundary enforcement from her.

She's getting better at it though, for sure. Apparently she was pissed that I managed to get myself off back in April. It felt like I cheated on her. I think there is an element of punishment/payback going on, and her resolve is stronger than I have been giving it credit for.

This is potentially a big problem. But at least the more frequent sex has been better! She had a huge couple of climaxes during PIV yesterday morning. I do miss the grand finale for myself, but it's undeniably hot to help her get off, knowing I won't be.

 

Interesting weekend, and an eventful one. But today will be a lazy short summary.

First, the reset switch was hit yesterday, and the streak ended at 25 days. We have some family coming to visit next weekend, and she opted for the carrot rather than the stick - we'd have sex up to and including an O, and in exchange I'd be deep-cleaning the house in advance of the visitors. She knows that she doesn't need to bargain or offer, but she chose to. Might be because I was visibly unhappy before the weekend, and I do still have a habit of pushing for what I want. I suspect this will continue as long as it keeps working.

There were a few other interesting events though.

* On Saturday night, we went out to a silent disco on a whim. There were 3 DJs, and the headphones had a switch to change between the channels. The headphones would light up red, green, or blue depending on the channel. When she would notice that I was on a different channel than her, she would walk over, wordlessly change my switch to the channel she was on, and then grab my ass a couple times. This was definitely unexpected and - NGL - pretty hot. Didn't suggest or tell me to try another channel - just walked up and did it. It was a visible and public display of dominion, and she hasn't done anything like that before.

* We also had PIV sex on Friday night (no O for me that time). Since wearing the key, she hasn't gone down on me, but this time she did - and was clearly trying to torment the hair trigger I was on. She'd get me squirming and then stop and talk - which she also never does.

During one of those little breaks: "I want you to understand who's the boss here. Tell me. Tell me who's the boss." "You are." "That's right. You need to remember that."

The next time: "Tell me who's the one who gives you what you need." "You are." "That's right. You're not gonna get what you want, only what you need."
...All of this was unprompted, new, and unexpected.

* And then during another conversation - can't remember the context well - she made it clear she doesn't intend to stop wearing the key unless I use the safe word. Which is kind of the nuclear button for us. Told her I don't really feel that deep down, and that if I asked sincerely, she'd agree to put all of this on the shelf:

"I can tell that's how you feel. I'm not sure why. I've told you what I think, but it doesn't seem like it's sunk in."

"I dunno, I guess there could be a little denial involved. Maybe the idea that it's not actually something I can turn on and off easily is scarier, so it's easier just to believe I can."

"You should be scared."

"Hah! Of what exactly?"

(No response)

"You won't unpack that one at all for me?"

"You heard me."
​

So that was my weekend.

​

 

Man....I think I'm just not cut out for this.

Most of the time lately I'm just resenting all the downsides, and it's hard to even see the upsides, let alone enjoy them.

 

I certainly am prone to mood swings during denial - but this is pretty common, no?

Just so happen to be in an extended trough lately. I'll either ride it out and things will improve, or I'll pull the plug and chalk it up to a failed experiment.

 

Quick check-in.

* Saturday night involved PIV. I don't know what got into her but she had, literally, around 10 orgasms. It was hard to tell, lost track around 8 or 9. She agreed it was up in that range. I had none. I would very much have liked one.

* On Sunday she called me her concubine and laughed about that.

* I cannot focus or concentrate, and if the option of murdering someone for an O presented itself, well, I probably wouldn't, but I would give it serious thought at this point.

 

Probably not a very crowd-pleasing update this morning.

She took off the key and returned it to me last night, citing my bad mood and general unhappiness. These things apparently make people not much fun to be around.

I'd be lying if I said I was disappointed about this. While there's a crumb inside that regrets how things will get a bit flatter now, I'm mostly just relieved.

It wasn't clear if this is short-term or indefinite, but either way, it's back on hiatus. I hope you all continue to have a more positive experience that meets your relationships' needs!