Guilt

It doesn't sound weird; you're an empathetic person who doesn't want to feel as though she's harming someone she loves. But remember he's choosing this as well, and is getting something out of it. Guilt might be more justified if that "quo" to the "quid" was absent. But what you're giving in return to him is your engagement, your participation in this arrangement, and your attention. It may express as dominance or control, and feel unkind on one level - but you simply being in that role and taking those reins is, by itself, almost certainly a powerful reward for him.

I suspect over time, as you start to trust that he truly enjoys being in this role, that the guilt will lessen as you internalize that he is receiving as well as giving. The key, so to speak, is to give that attention and engagement - the worst scenario for a guy is usually when chastity is treated as "fire and forget" - the lock goes on and then nothing else changes, it's just expected to work like magic. Engage him frequently and maybe lean into the role as you become more comfortable.

If he is truly unhappy or feeling mistreated, you will know about it.

 

Lol. He feels validated by doing the things for you, and wants to do this for you, as it makes him happy. The guilt is natural, and my wife feels the same, I'm sure, in fact most of what you've said could be written by her. Just remember, that by allowing this dynamic, you will feel some guilt, but it is misplaced, because this chastity denial thing is all so counterintuitive. It shouldn't work! But it does. "If it ain't broke don't fix it" as the expression goes. Anecdotally, I get the impression that over time the guilt lessens as the keyholders really start to understand that it makes their men happier. The extra emotion kick allowing us men to communicate on a different level, adds to that feeling that this is something really good for us. Well, in my case certainly.

 

Your feelings that things are unbalanced are because you're failing to see what you're giving him and what he gets out of it. He's dreamed of this for years -- remember that long letter he wrote a year ago? -- he's dreamed of being able to share his feelings of su missiveness, to be loved and accepted as a submissive man, to be able to give up the role he plays while he's in the exterior world making all that money and come home and worship his wife. He's dreamed of getting his erection under control and not being a masturbator. And you're making his dreams come true. Believe me, from his point of view the trade is perfectly balanced and fair. As 2north says, just dont forget him, grab his cage once or twice a day, tease him, remind him that you're his queen and he's your knight and hell be getting everything he needs.

 

I totally understand your feelings. It does seem like you are getting more and he less. But as others have said, making this arrangement is what he wants. It does make him happy to serve and put you on a pedestal. Just be sure that you communicate with him, about those feelings, and give him the kind of attention he desires in return for what he is giving you. Good luck and enjoy. No need for guilt.

 

VERY well said. I was going to type a lengthy reply myself and realized I could not be more eloquent than @2north . So just pretend I wrote the same advice. Partnership does not mean you have to split everything 50/50. It’s the sum of all the parts of your marriage that make you equal happy partners together.

 

If he has a stressful or demanding job, cleaning and chores may actually be relaxing for him. If it's giving him a break so you have more energy for fun, then it's also in his direct interest. So stop guilting and enjoy.

 

Contrary view: this arrangement is supposed to be about what YOU want not what HE wants. If he really wants to make you happy, he's going to be fine you arranging chores and money as YOU see fit.

By definition he's made the purpose of the arrangements to 'make you happy' but he's decided them in such a way as he sees fit and that makes you uncomfortable. He can't have it both ways. My advice is to tell him the arrangement that suits you and tell him to suck it up until you let him know you intend to change it.

The best Dominant Wives do what's in their and their sub's best interest even if it's not what the sub wants. You take care of him and he takes care of you. So, take care of you. Decide the chores and money as you desire and rest easy because you are clearly looking out for him also.

 

please dose Your hubby go out and work all day as well Miss.

 

"This stuff" should never dictate a marriage, unless it is what both parties want. Communication and honestly is the only way to go with a marriage/relationship.

 

I cannot comment as I have no first hand perspective. I did want to to extend a huge thank you to @ShyWife for posting and giving those of us here an opportunity to learn through others.

To be very clear, there is some great content on this site, and there is equally a lot of fantasy (no judgement). As someone who is still working their way through this journey and looking for their counterpart these types of posts, their honesty, and confidence to engage with the community, is soooo priceless. Again, thank you.

Please keep more of this coming and I wish you the best of luck in finding a balance that works for both of you @ShyWife.

 

It sounds like you have a true submissive rather than “pretending” just to get kink. He’s being honest. I’ll continue with that assumption. Otherwise, he is looking for playtime, and while ok, it requires a different answer.

What you are experiencing is very common for the reasons you very clearly stated.

His submissiveness is unlikely to go away with time. It is who he is. I’ll wager it was very difficult for him to tell you.

If you are never mean or demanding, it hurts him. You may feel guilty if you are mean or demanding, but in reality, he is far more unhappy if you don’t. It takes a while to understand this, but it is true.

If you can embrace the concept, you both will be very happy. He will do anything to please you. He knows you are rare and very, very special.

As has been mentioned by @SubSnuggler, there will be a time when you will need to exert control and proceed according to your own desires. Not just his. He doesn’t want you to role play, it has to be genuine. He may struggle when you first take control, but he won’t risk loosing it either. You may need to tell him that you will stop if he doesn’t cooperate. And, he will.

You have shown courage to find this forum and ask this very good question. I suspect you will do just fine. This probably isn’t what you signed up for and it was a surprise. Give it a chance. When other marriages you know are starting to suffer from lack of attention and affection, friends may notice the passion in yours, and want to know what your secret is.

 

Make it fun. When he complains, just smile and pat his head and say, “But Dear, you put me in charge. It really doesn’t matter what you want anymore. I’m doing it my way.” It will grind his gears but he will submit, or he decides he made a mistake and shows he isn’t serious. Either way you win.

if he’s a real sub, the first time you do this will change his life forever, and he will adore you for it.

In our relationship transitioning to female led, we had a lot of these moments. And it takes some determination on your part and some soul searching on his. But trust all of us, this can be a spectacularly rewarding lifestyle if you both are on the same page. No dead bedroom and lots of love and attention for each other.

 

I think that you might have a longer way to go than you think. It seems you both are on opposite ends of the rope right now. To find the middle will require lots of open and honest conversation, as well as compromise.

I agree with king hippos comment about not building a relationship around a dynamic, instead adding it in as another foundation layer but only when both parties are committed.

There is something truly uphoric that happens when both Dom and sub are in sync. One of you is going to have to make a sacrifice while you make your way through the beginning stages. He is going to have to find a way to take it slow (slower than he thinks) so you can adjust to your new care free lifestyle. Or you will have to learn quickly (faster than you think) to give him what he needs.

 

We are still sorting this out. Believe it or not, she likes to cook and fold laundry.

We have found that setting a time and having a glass of wine to talk about our FLR over the past week to be helpful and enjoyable. This is where you can tell him you like to do the laundry.

This is a wonderful aspect of FLR. In the past, how often did you both sit down and talk about chores and sex? Most likely those conversations didn’t go well.

Having these talks will help you to build confidence. It will give you the feedback you need to understand you are doing the right things. And, that he is too.

 

As a husband who's likely even newer into this than you are, I still recognize some parts of the story from my own. I just want to offer two things that I hope might help:
1) My wife and I have already made a bunch of adjustments to our original idea of how this would work. Most of these come down to me saying, " I realize that my 'suggestions' were working as though they were rules for you. That wasn't right- you're in charge, and I'll accept whatever you decide on all of these things. I want this to go at your pace, and follow the path that works for you. Let's completely drop that idea, and we'll do whatever you decide". It sounds like you may need to take charge a bit to tell him that you both need to do a similar thing. You can adjust what's happening to a level where you are comfortable and not feeling guilty, and things can advance from there only as you decide that they can. His job is to accept your decisions, and your job is to decide what will work for you. Clearly, you want him to be happy with all of this. You get there by taking the time you need to find your way and get comfortable with your new roles. Tell him this.
2) He wants to give you more than you'd normally be willing to take. Find places where you can accept that, see how happy it makes him to give you that, ans start with accepting those. Let him spoil you a bit in areas that you can more easily accept- and know that this will make him happy. It may feel "selfish", but it is what he wants in this role. Try to think about that wherever you allow him to provide you with a little "extra". When you start to feel guilty, look at how happy you make him with this, and embrace that. I've really wanted to give my wife more, to work to let her go out and have fun with her friends, and so on. She has a hard time accepting that- but it makes me so happy when she can. I think he might be the same.

Most of all, take charge of running this at your pace. That's the only path to ultimate success.

Good luck!

 

in my case i initiated the flr without him mentioning any desire for it at all. maybe guilt comes with estrogen because even though i know i am doing what is best for all of us guilt creeps up on me where i least expect it. causing me to spend far more time than i should dealing with it. that creates self doubt that definitely saps some of the joy right out of the lifestyle. then we are off point which in turn creates more guilt that i allowed guilt in, in the first place ( like i could stop it if i had more self control).
what i can tell you is in the end it is well worth the effort. in time some things no longer cause guilt, others you just deal with . to be fair it may not matter what we do guilt will follow even in a vanilla lifestyle. the fact that we question, doubt, feel guilty and reflex on what is right and just may be why a flr is the best choice.

 

Thanks for sharing on this topic. My first thought was you guys should combine your finances from his and hers to ours regardless of who earns what. My second thought was maybe you should keep an orgasm tally. After you reach ten then hubby gets one...

 

Hello feeling guilty,

You do have a great husband, so why not indulge him if not more than a couple of times a month? Make it spontaneous, out of the norm. Maybe some humiliation or quick decisive discipline?

Tmo

 

You can also use your new found power for his own benefit by directing him to go to the gym, lift weights, do cardio, etc. you can have a happy, healthy and sexy husband which benefits you both!

 

That's perfect.

 

Wow I think you've set off a chastity brainstorm party...most husbands would be pretty jealous of yours! Cos you're playing.

So simply put that's the gift you're giving him.

On the financial side, some on this site sincerely hand over their earnings to their good wives and take a daily coffee money allowance. Period.

YOU ARE THE LADY. YOUR MAN NEEDS YOU AS MUCH AS HE NEEDS AIR AND WATER. YOUR PRESENCE IN HIS LIFE IS A GIFT OF GOD. And he only really comes to terms with this when his balls are full.

 

You can also show leadership and responsibility by directing that money into investments in your future. You could even assign him the responsibility of researching things to invest in so you aren’t bothered in managing things. Put x amount in longer term investments after building up a rainy day fund that could support both of you for 3 months if something bad happened. Also, make sure you both have a generous term life insurance policy. “With great power comes great responsibility”. Use it wisely to create a better life for both of you!

 

Sounds like you've hit the Jackpot. But having said that is

Sounds like you've hit the Jackpot.
Most women dream of your situation.
On the orher hand if it's making you feel guilty then it's not about you.
Have you spoken too him and told him how you feel?
If yes then it's not about you it's what he wants.
If not then it's a case off sit down and talk.
If he says thats how it should be with how he has arranged things then you have to ask him who has the key and who is in charge.
You have the power to say qhat goes and what doesn't and if he doesn't like it then it's a case of using that power to make him understand what you want.
If that tequires " Punishment " think out off the box. We love being locked up and not being allowed an Orgasm. Take the cage off him give him a Handjob make him come a couple off times while your doing it ask him if he likes being locked up and not being able to come just before he does come ( he will most definatley say Yes ) Take him over the edge and repeat a few times ( might be a good idea to imobelize him) . Then he'll be so dissapointed he should se it's about what you want and not him.
Don't give him the cage back for a couple of days ( make sure he doesn't get the chance to DIY ) Then lock him up again for longer than usual. That should make him realize your the Boss