GF suddenly doesn’t like to continue?!

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by Pieterchaste, Oct 5, 2021.

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  1. Pieterchaste
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    Pieterchaste Long term member

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    My GF is quite vanilla and initially didn’t like the looks of me being caged that much but said she accepted that I like to wear a chastity cage and would work with me on this. So far so good!


    We had nice times with me being locked, she enjoying the perks and at times she even suggested that I should wear a cage when traveling to make her comfortable that I wouldn’t cheat on her or suggesting me to wear one during sex to get my full focus on her and she felt more relaxed not having the “pressure” that she needed me to have PIV or to cum at all.


    So far, still good!


    What suddenly put her off recently appears to be the actual responsibility of holding the key and/or being confronted with my “weird” kink and this ended in a heavy reaction! She somewhat flipped and was really annoyed..

    She doesn’t want anything to do with it anymore and finds the cage unmanly, stupid, disgusting and “in her face” she said she hates it and doesn’t want me to wear a cage anymore at all!


    I really thought we built it up nicely, gradually and that she was perfectly okay with it and even somewhat embracing the new lifestyle, enjoying the kink and her naturally growing perks….


    back in self-locking from time to time but I really feel bad and disappointed.


    I don’t know what to do to get her back on board!


    Someone any advice?
     
  2. Guest 8927
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    Guest 8927 Long term member

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    Something deeper than that is going on there she's discovered something, or seen something, maybe in your browser history, or on your phone, that has shaken Her trust. I'm not sure what, ok? But this action speaks to being disappointed in something regarding you, so She is pulling back.

    I'd give it a few days, and no, not self lock either. Put it away, and focus on re-establish the fun, loving part of your dynamic. Don't mention it at all, simply focus on Her needs in that way.

    At some point, in the short term, She will be ready to talk. In the meantime, behave. Don't be masturbating or binge porn watching. If you are in any sort of online communicado with anyone, cease immediately and do not return. I'm not accusing you, but something is going on that you may not think is a big deal, and She does.

    If you don't, this will just stay the way it is, and may be the death of the relationship if pushed too hard. Put some work in outside of the bedroom.

    Secondary to that, self locking drives females away, rather than drawing them in. Here's why:.

    If you look at the history of chastity belts, they were designed to control specifically women. They were used forcefully on them, and so females have a rough connection to doing it to someone else, even the willing. Men take from females when they want things, constantly, and self locking is saying to Her: "You won't do it, so I'm going to anyway.". Thus, taking where She is not choosing to give.

    Be careful with that. You are asking Her to choose being your KH, not just accept it.

    Good luck. With women, you have to get info from them on their timeline, not yours. They respond very well to connection over sexuality. Be kind. Try to understand, and if you did in fact breech Her trust, ask Her how She would like you to proceed in fixing it. Don't just try to blindly fix everything yourself.

    M.
     
  3. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    My wife (girlfriend at the time) really embraced chastity. Someone at work asked about the key and she got really paranoid. She told them I made it and it was the key to my heart…all true, still she felt nervous about it. Someone else asked about it and she was about to stop wearing the key all together and who knows, at that point she may have just tried to quit.

    I think it was a brief panic attack about someone finding out that little miss innocent was a dominant. Guilt and confusion about liking it, and worried that we were being weird. I told her I don’t plan on telling anyone, but it’s not because I’m ashamed, it’s because it’s private and no one’s business. I’m very proud of what we have and told her I’m proud locking up for her. I love the act of losing control and giving that power to someone I love and trust, but the whole reason I started was to improve how I prioritize my relationship. I do it for us.

    She then started wearing her key with pride instead of shame, and her attitude towards me being locked in chastity was less kink related and more respect and trust related.

    Advice? I would talk to her about how this is something that isn’t going away just because you stop wearing the cage, how this is something you are proud of and that being able to trust her with something this important means the world to you, and you think that you know how you are and need this kind of control to be a good partner.

    This is not guaranteed to be enough, but should point her towards a compromise. Two months on two months off, etc.

    Maybe she never did like it, and this is an excuse to stop, who knows, she might get a taste of who you are when unlocked and change her mind on her own.
     
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  4. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    Two different things may be happening.

    First, it may be that she has flipped back to normal. I read somewhere that you can pervert somebody against their normal nature for no more than 2 years, after which they rebound.

    Second, it might just be that she likes you locked, but is uncomfortable with being involved in the mechanics of it, perhaps because that makes it all about you. The fix is to investigate timer safes etc.
     
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  5. King Hippo
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    King Hippo Long term member

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    This is a two way game, I would imagine your relationship is deeper than a chastity device.
     
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  6. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    Maybe you started acting all subbie after being locked and it turned her off. Many women are turned off by submissive men. Maybe you just got annoying after being locked for a while. Only she can tell you.
     
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  7. Pieterchaste
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    Pieterchaste Long term member

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    Hi all!

    Thank you for all the reactions until now!

    I think you all have a few points that may add up to come to the helicopter view of the situation…

    indeed, the somewhat subbie-acting.. she being the cause of that, while holding keys.
    Maybe that gives her the idea that I’m not the manly stud. Which adds up to possible deeper thoughts of me being gay or something or me leaving her for someone more kinky. So maybe indeed she acted kinky but deep inside she is less or not at all…

    I have never been distrustful but she is quite insecure so the deeper thoughts may connect with some or all of the above.

    it might be “just the mechanics”
    Or the feeling this is all about me and not her

    hopefully this is only the confusion of liking it but feeling guilty. Because I may be able to take the guilt away in not giving her the full responsibility by having her holding the keys (for the time being so she has time to get used to it) and we slowly get back to where we were about a year ago?

    maybe it has to do with me acting different while locked.. I can work on that!

    Maybe she is just not into the kink where we could get to a compromise, me having my craves but not actively involving her too much and over time she may start seeing it as something that is part of our relationship (and not just a kink!) or even start seeing benefits. I could eventually ask her to help me again, even in exchange of something? (Sex or non-sex related?)

    agree that I will need to let her give me the answers but since her last (over) reaction I’m anxious to bring up the subject.
    As M said:women need their own timeline

    this is why I started this thread:
    Ask the knowledge base in this field to find how (and when) to open up the conversation on this and to try and understand what may bother her so I can take that feeling away!

    I love my GF and want to spend the rest of our lives together and love to confirm (at least to myself) my devotion to her by her being in charge of my orgasms
     
  8. enslavedbyc
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    enslavedbyc Junior Member

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    This is not hard. Stop guessing. Have the conversation. Tell her all the reasons that you enjoyed what was going on before. Tell her that it appeared to you that she was enjoying herself too. Then ask her what went wrong. She has all the answers no one on this or any other website does.
     
  9. ChasteCel
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    ChasteCel 7/6 on the TomAllen-Rectrix scale

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    The best advice here really is to talk to her. If you can't talk to her about this, what else are you not talking about in your relationship (that you should be)? Open communication is key.
     
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  10. HusbandX
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    HusbandX Long term member

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    You'll need to decide which is more important; her wishes, or your cage.

    Insincerity is the fantasy of bending to her will, while insisting on finding a way to make her bend to your own.

    If you're sincere about honoring her wishes, then honor them, and if she's willing to talk, do that. If she doesn't want to talk, then honor her wishes anyway.

    "Honey, I want you control me, which really means I want to do what you tell me to do, but only if it's what I want and I tell you to do."

    Doesn't really work. Time to take a run at it from a different direction. Start with hers.
     
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  11. madams-sissysub
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    I agree, maybe give it a break and then talk about it.
     
  12. nbto962
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    nbto962 Member

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    That seems likely. Especially if she's maybe done some research of her own. There's a lot of kinks that are loosely related, like sissyfication that might put her off.

    As everyone said, you need to talk to her and just talk about what this kink gives you, like what you specifically want to get out of it so she's not worried about things that are related but you're not even interested in.

    Also I think you should explain that chastity is a kink that kind of needs to be ongoing but that can be passively in the background. It's kind of required that she holds they and doesn't let you out. But that doesn't mean you have to be subby and needy all of the time. You know that you're wearing the cage under your pants but on the outside you can be whatever she'd needs in a partner while still getting your needs fulfilled.

    When I think about indulging in someone's kink that I don't share (and thus do not fully understand), I imagine it would be comforting to kind of know where the limits are. I'd want to know that it won't escalate in a direction I'm not comfortable with.

    I'm sure my gf is, or at least was, pretty weirded out about the concept. But she sees how I enjoy it and we have developed a dynamic that just works well and leaves both of us satisfied.
     
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  13. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    Does she have any underlying mental health issues or a secret dependency to alcohol?
    Just reminded me of someone I was with once… she’d go from strutting around in a strapon and fucking all night one evening to throwing away all the sex toys the next…
    Probably not that though.
     
  14. Lckdnpnk
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    Lckdnpnk Long term member

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    Great thoughts here! My wife was not interested in key holding either for years, but I’ve been just deferring to her needs and giving attention when I can and she is starting to really take notice. It’s like I finally started to figure out how to roll with her timeline. As many of you know I was pushing to get her a neckless last week but I slammed on the breaks when I realized I was getting too anxious with my own agenda. I’m not mentioning chastity or key holding anymore, just giving her lot of attention and treating her like the great Lady she is. Now we are connecting and talking about it a little. When she asks I just gently explain how the device is just a means to help me keep her first in my thoughts (and then back it up with actions). Last night she wanted to play so I told her that it was all about her pleasure and that should not feel any pressure to unlock me unless that was what she really wanted. She had a wonderful orgasm and we held each other and talked. I remain locked. I’m in heaven.
     
  15. Lckdnpnk
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    Lckdnpnk Long term member

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    Another great thought! My wife didn’t care that I liked the device but really didn’t want to be involved either mechanics or keeping track of the key and managing my cleaning, etc.
     
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  16. Andy88
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    Andy88 Long term member

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    Mr pieter.. if you are still around.. if your gf detests the device.. cant even stand the sight of it..and all things associated with it.. it is advisable to leave it out of your lives now if both of you are staying together.. she is just not ready for such a toy on her man. She just has the reverse idea of what a man should be… sexually demanding, aggressive and basically leading her.
    If you still must wear it.. wear it before sex.. during foreplay and cuddling session where you can tell her how it can make you put her needs first and concentrate on her rather than payimg attention on the penis.. unlock once she is ready for penetration.. surprise her with some benefits in bed before moving on to keyholding and other stuffs. Release her from any pre conceived burden of having to perform tasks/chores just to realise your fetish..
     
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  17. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    You said GF and not wife.. which to me suggests your not fully committed. Have you thought about trading her in ;)
     
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