Chastity and Polyamory

Hey all, have some relevant experience that might be useful.

I’m Solo Poly, which means that while I am open to romantic intimate relationships with multiple partners, I’m not open to living with any of them, marriage, raising kids together, buying property, or the other typical things romantic couples will do together.

Additionally, I’m a kinky switch, and chastity is a big part of my submissive interests.

So here’s where the complications come in. I have a partner who is my sub, and PIV is a big part of how I Dom.

When I play with Dommes, I’ve generally offered them periods of chastity leading up to a date. These are typically much lower durations than some on this board (3-7 days), but gives some amount of that experience for both of us, but allows me to keep up with topping others and playing with my sub.

Happy to answer questions if anyone has some.

 

This is a seminal reply. Educated, experienced, and well written. One of the best I have ever read. Well done.

 

I'd posit that the wearer in nearly all situations has the most powerful position.

There is an illusion where the woman has the power and control, but few devices are inescapable, the chastity concept is usually initiated and predominantly driven by the man, and women in emotional relationships with men tend to err towards workability and harmony rather than authority and control.

Which means they play the game because even if it's exciting to them, it's because it's being played with her partner and not because she has an existing belief system that husbands should be locked up in a cage. The most appealing reason I've seen that connects best with women is 'to help me build more hunger for you, and to focus all my energy and attention towards you' — which is still driven by him lusting for her rather than being sexless or worthless to her.

This angle however is designed to speak to a woman's own insecurities, enoughness, and feelings of self worth, so it must be consciously considered whether you both want your relationship to be built upon appeasing insecurity and thus you becoming personally responsible for her feeling seen, valued, worshipped, powerful etc.

We started out that way, but we have been shifting that narrative away because I do not want to be the source of her happiness, empowerment, and feeling desirable.

It's absolutely possible for a woman to be the most powerful in a chastity dynamic, but it's not typically the default position, but one that is created and earned over time. Hence the term, 'be careful what you wish for'. But she too must work as hard on herself as you do or it will still turn to shit.

We use one lock, two keys. We explored the option of two locks, but for us, it meant regular logistical breakdowns, along with personal ones. We have different schedules, different desires, different times when those desires show up and with work, family, every day life, it doesn't make sense (nor is it enjoyable) to have to navigate a complex arrangement where we need a second key to unlock.

When you are with two women, they will already have (and continue to develop) competing objectives, different ideas about intimacy, different past experiences, different feelings about everything, and different models of love (just to name a few).

In the beginning it's easy to gloss over those because dopamine is fun, but they'll appear soon enough in the seemingly most insignificant of moments, and your entire Sunday will become a deep dive into why someone feels sad and needing support, while another is horny or feeling fine, and someone else in the middle trying to be the bridge.

It shouldn't be a crazy surprise that two women, are in effect two different people even when they're best friends! (mind blowing *sarcasm*)

I don't want to tell you how to suck eggs so I'm basing all this on the assumption that you are new to this and have only intellectualised experience of throuples etc. You can take it all with a grain of salt.

You may/will quickly discover that 24/7 anything (D/s, chastity, slavery etc) can (and will) compete with everyday life stuff, who feels they aren't getting enough attention, who has unmet wants/needs, who feels unheard or ignored, who feels conflicted and confused etc. And that will also include you, and not just them!

In my experience, most people's throuples or open relationships (or even swinging couples) do not endure because they are woefully unprepared for the huge amount of emotional intelligence, communication, and hard work required.

They do not build upon a solid foundation, and they get caught up in the excitement without having structure, agreements, and most of all, a healthy relationship to uncertainty, change, and volatility. They are usually built upon curious sexual desires, fantasy/dreams, and un-inspected feelings, values and beliefs about relationships, sexuality, and self worth.

Doing this work can make dreams come true, but I've found most cannot (and will not) look within deep enough and so they are quick to blame others or the dynamic instead of developing better self-awareness and self-regulation.

A lot of people will say that these dynamics do not work / can not work, from people on forums, to therapists etc — some have tried it, many have not. Few really do the work on themselves to set themselves up for success. They hope a baby/chastity cage/bull will save their ailing/stale marriage type thing.

In being rigorous with why I believe it hasn't worked for others, it's less about the dynamic or relationship style being the problem, and more to do with the fact that most modern humans are hard-wired for monogamy, we externalise our happiness into other people/things/outcomes, we believe the dream is to find another human to fill our emotional voids (and thus not being fully responsible for ourselves), we have extreme conditional models of love, and a poor ability to identify, navigate, and move through complex emotions, ESPECIALLY while we're in the middle of experiencing it — so we react and make impulsive decisions.

Sure, some people reflect later on after the breakdown, but this dynamic does not sustain or feel good when people who only deal with things after the fact. It requires an ability to deal with complex emotions in the moment, and not a week or month later (or in some cases, never.)

The reality is that without a very strong emotional foundation within yourself, each other, and together, it can easily feel like a burning tyre rolling down a hill, and the emotional overwhelm will make tapping out very appealing. Not only will you need to be able to hit pause on your own feelings, but even do that for each other when one or more of you are getting overloaded with thoughts and feelings.

Like anything, it gets easier with conscious and constant practice, but all of you have REALLY gotta want it. And sadly, many go into this for superficial reasons and well, superficial reasons tend to have no strength under pressure.

I implore you all to sit down and develop a vision and a set of principles for yourselves and your relationship before getting caught up in the moving in together etc.

Now, it's not all bad! In fact, it's absolutely doable!

My reason for creating this course (and wanting to help) is because failing sucks, and I don't think people have to fail so fast, and so much.

I strongly believe that slow is smooth, and smooth is fast, but when we have had these desires for a long time, then get presented with an opportunity, it can feel really hard to take a methodical and disciplined approach.

I liken it to investing — it's about understanding the game, understanding fear/greed, playing the right pieces at the right time, having powerful tools on hand, and knowing how to use those tools well, instead of learning to use them when you depend on them.

It's unsexy and sounds like a boner-killer to be patient, to establish a solid foundation, and to move slower than desired, but it's necessary in order to prevent the completely avoidable friction and meltdowns that come from a lack of preparedness. And your Queens will thank you for it.

You do seem to be engaged with them which is a great start, so I'm confident you'll discover your own path. Remember that like most things in life, one can have best laid ideas/plans that may not work out — and the key is to not get all caught up in the significance of constant failure but instead to embrace the fluid and dynamic nature of it all and realise that the journey itself IS the game.

I'll keep you posted about the course

 

Thank you! Much appreciated I try to be thorough, objective, and speak from gathered data and empirical evidence, rather than conjecture and anecdote. I'm glad people value that!

 

That’s where we started. I think there is a natural progression from this point as she develops confidence. It takes time, and genuine, positive reinforcement.