Suggestions for success in my first long-term lockup

Discussion in 'Novices and newbies' started by Dodger-Oh, Sep 23, 2021.

  1. Dodger-Oh
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    Dodger-Oh Try everything- if she approves

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    I'm new here, and I just want to briefly say first that I'm so happy to have found this community. I've already been made to feel welcome, and I'm so appreciative of that. Thanks to everyone who's already gotten me started here.

    I've been interested in being locked up for a while now, and my wife and I have played with it a bit, only in scenes. About 10 days ago, I decided that I wanted to "jump in" and go for locktober. I talked with my wife about it, and she said she's fine with trying it, though she's not sure she's that interested outside of this experiment. I've been rushing around getting a decent cage and finding out what she and I need to know. I'm a bit surprised at how exciting it is to finally be trying this- I knew I wanted to, but it's becoming more and more exciting the closer we get. I'm going to have to be careful to avoid getting carried away- and making it no fun for either of us. It is a real role reversal for us, and I hope we can pull it off in a fun way, leading to this being a bigger part of our lives after October. I'm just hoping it goes well, and I'm ready to put forth effort to make this as amazing as I can for her without pressuring her to "achieve" anything.
    To that end, I'm hoping for some suggestions on making my first "more than an hour or so" time in lockup successful for both of us. Ideas to help her enjoy this unfamiliar thing for the month would also be important. I'm already surprised at the "pull" I feel from the device- I woke up in the middle of the night last night to pee, and ended up going to get my device and put it on before I went back to bed. I didn't expect that. I've already been self-locked this past week for more time than I've ever been before. I'd like to keep learning what to expect, good strategies, and anything that I might need to know or share with her to make this work as smoothly as possible.

    I already have at least these general ideas:
    1) Don't push anything too far, too fast- it should be enjoyable for both of us, and taking it too serious right now will likely kill that. That includes being a bit flexible with timing as needed- I have so little time locked up, I can imagine us needing to do less than the whole month straight through to fix issues, etc. I'm committed to giving it the best try that I can, but won't make a big deal if I need to be uncaged to fix an injury, or just because of something that we can't anticipate right now. We'll do our best without making it too big of a deal while we learn how to do this.
    2) Write up a little bit for her: she likes to know "the plan", and feel well-informed about anything she does. Since this is coming from me, it's going to be very unfamiliar. To avoid her being uncomfortable, I'm writing a single page that's just a list of things that I think would be fun for us to try- focused on things that I think she might like. I intend to start it off with as strong a statement as I can manage that says, "You're in charge, anything you want to try is fine. These are just some suggestions of things that I think you might like, but nothing here is a requirement. Just having fun trying things out will make this month a success. We'll take things as they come."... or something along those lines.

    Outside of those very general guidelines, What do you all think are the most important things that I need to know / she needs to know for success in our first month of full time lockup ( when we've only done an occasional hour or so before )? What surprises can I anticipate? What else is there that I should know as a beginner?
     
  2. homebody
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    homebody In awe of GoddesofHomebody

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    You may want to define Loctober in A way that increases the chance of success. We are going for, the cage has to be on part of every day in the month. Any longer time locked is a bonus. You are really new to this and if you set expectations too high it could end up feeling like a failure. Even if you are setting a personal best.

    just my thoughts. Good luck.
     
  3. Dodger-Oh
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    Dodger-Oh Try everything- if she approves

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    Excellent thought, @homebody ! I'd been playing with a vague "don't have to be locked 24/7 the whole month" idea, but I hadn't come up with a specific goal. I was having a hard time letting go of my first idea of letting go, which had been "only the first week for sure", and then others like that- I'll take your idea and go with it. At least some part of every day seems achievable, and I'll still try to keep the "...and we'll be flexible if we find that isn't possible" that I'm trying to keep on everything.
    Thanks!
     
  4. homebody
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    homebody In awe of GoddesofHomebody

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    last year was our first and we got through three weeks before skin problems ended the streak. We will see what this year brings
     
  5. bondinchas
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    bondinchas Long term member

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    Chastity is a journey, not a race. If you've only done "an occassional hour" your next big milestone is going to be learning how to cope with sleeping overnight in a cage, getting the "24" under your belt before moving onto the "7".

    Have you ever had the pain of morning wood in a chastity cage?
    Or know how to deal with it?
    It may take you a while to get used to that before you can think of doing a straight month.

    By all means aim for the stars, but don't set expectations too high and get disappointed.
     
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  6. Maid Denise
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    Maid Denise Maid for my Goddess

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    I totally agree with the rest . SLOW DOWN ! !! Long term chastity is a learning process. Start with a couple of days 24 hrs a day, add on from there. Learning to sleep with it on is going to be a small challenge just to start with.
    We have been playing with chastity since 2014 and the last (wow 31/2 year's all ready ) 24 / 7 and Locktober is a stretch for me even. Baby steps . Oh and by the way . Welcome to the mansion
     
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  7. Tom in hope
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    Tom in hope Active member

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    Been at this on and off for a few months now and made loads of mistakes along the way, still making some now but it’s trial and error so hay ho.
    Biggest lesson of all to date is not to overwhelm your other half or yourself, if you want this long term you need it to become normal, and if it is long term what’s the rush?

    we missed out on our weekly sex session because our son has started getting in our bed again during the night (that’s part of normal life)
    I held back a few nights and on the third night I got up during the night and put my cage on so I could not yank one off. To be honest i prefer the cage at the moment, but that might be because I know I can take if off whenever.

    I don’t wear it in the day when working I’m not ready for that or have the right cage yet, I’m still finding my feet.

    After coming home the following day my wife asked if I had slept ok,
    yes but I did put the cage on as I want to wait until we can both enjoy sex.
    Oh ok great idea
    Had a bit of joke and a chat, that’s my best experience so far, the moment it started to become normal and no petty arguments.

    I had issues with burning (that’s normal) I have read that Vaseline was good to use, however my cage slipped two nights on the run during sleep causing a lot of pain.It a big learning curve,
    During this week I have grand ideas of being locked permanently and telling my wife about locktober it’s very easy to get excited, but we are not ready and a long way off yet also how could I possibly know if I want to be permanently locked after still being on the test drive.

    My advice is little and often so you can both find your own way, everyone is different and it’s easy to read posts on line and think yea that’s for me. Take breaks so your wife can appreciate the difference in you when locked and the possible benefits to her, after all if it does go long term it should be more about her, that’s the whole point.
     
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  8. Dodger-Oh
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    Dodger-Oh Try everything- if she approves

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    Thanks for the suggestions, @bondinchas & @Maid Denise .You were both encouraging me to slow down / take it easy, so I thought I'd reply to both of yo together. I honestly need to hear all of this- just to keep me from allowing myself to go a bit crazy with excitement. I know that's easy to do. I had decided from the start to be very flexible in how strictly I wanted to adhere to the "30 days straight" goal, since I was sure I wouldn't be able to get there. I'm really liking the suggestion I got from @homebody earlier- to make the goal something like "the cage has to be on some part of every day for the month". I liked that enough that I'm leaning towards that, or possibly "... for X number of days for the month" . I'm good with that, but hoping it goes well.
    I got my "real" cage mid-morning, and switched to that today, and it's been on about 14 hours right now, and I'm shooting for going another 14 at the moment, so that will at least give me a full day straight under my belt. I'm really mostly excited to give it a try to do the best that we can, whatever that is.
    I appreciate the encouragement to slow things down. I'll try my best to keep my head straight and not burn myself or her out on this. Thanks for your tips, and good luck in your own journeys!
     
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  9. Dodger-Oh
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    Dodger-Oh Try everything- if she approves

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    Thanks for your post @Tom in hope - such a good one. I'm jumping in the deep end for the first serious try, but it's mostly on me and I'm trying to keep reminding myself that I'm not shooting for a perfect score here. I'll accept whatever we can do, then we'll see from there. The little, normal scene you describe sounds just like what I would consider an amazing moment. I hope we'll get to some of those.

    I was very worried about erections in the cage, since I hadn't worn mine through the night. Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night to pee, and decided that I needed to put the cage on before I went back to bed. It went fine, and I got through the MWE ( Morning Wood Experience ), as well as another erection later when my wife needed some help relaxing for an afternoon nap. Those both had some discomfort, but were about as nice to me as I could hope- so one worry down, a thousand to go. I'm sure that one will come back to bite me again, but glad to at least see that it's possible to get through those in the cage. So far today, I'm still wearing a cage since that middle of the night decision, and I'm planning to keep it on through to tomorrow. If I manage that, that will be about 28 hours straight ( discounting a 10 minute interruption to switch to my new cage mid-morning), which will be a record for me. If that works, another worry down- at least for the first time again. We'll see.
    The burning and cage slippage pain doesn't sound great- hope I can avoid that as much as possible. I'm using lube and refreshing it periodically, but hadn't tried the vaseline idea there, so that's a good tip.
    I'm adopting the earlier suggestion of defining success for Locktober as "wearing the cage some of the day each day". That seems reasonably doable, and I'm hoping to continue to be flexible even with that. I love the idea of adding in your suggestion of "little and often" for the pathway forward, and your idea of "taking breaks" sounds good as well. I can't seem to erase my grand ideas of ending up permanently locked and having a great time for Locktober, but I'm trying to keep them in check by recognizing that it's a very big jump. I'm still excited to do a whatever minimal version of it that we can realistically pull off, and have that be the beginning of our journey.
    Thanks for the reply, and good luck on your journey. Hope you have a lot of fun along the way.
     
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  10. King Hippo
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    King Hippo Long term member

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    That was a really long post man... I would just say give it a try and communicate with each other... try to create an environment where she can be honest with you about how she feels about it.
     
  11. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    You sound like you are heading in a good direction, thinking through things first.

    Question, does she want to be in charge? She may not be ready yet. In fact, she probably is a long way from it. It is too early to propose this concept. Perhaps the target should be minimal effort on her part for the next month.

    Do your best to not whine this month. It’s your idea after all. Whining to be released will not go well other than a key thrown in your face. If she is tired at the end of her day, adding one more thing to her list will not make her want to play with you. Think about how you can take things off of her list - without being in the way. Don’t expect anything in return. Remember, there are tasks that she may enjoy, and will not enjoy you intruding.

    Second question, are you interested in being submissive, or just enjoying play time? The answer has a major influence on your future direction. Both are fine, just be aware of what you seek. She will know if you profess to be her submissive, yet just use her for kink. You won’t fool her.

    If you are truly submissive, you are seeking to attain a lifestyle that can be a LOT of extra work for you. You need to balance that fact with your raging hormones. Don’t ask for something you aren’t ready to commit to. This is a serious relationship you are messing with. Not following through can impact your relationship long term.

    Something that has worked well for us is to periodically sit down with a happy hour snack (made by me), and a glass of good wine, to recap the week and discuss any changes she may want. Instead of you talking about it all the time, this gives you both a time-limited framework to communicate.

    Keep us posted!
     
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  12. Guest 8927
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    Guest 8927 Long term member

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    The first little while is a bit arduous for all of us. It chafes, the never ending supply of lubricant, the pinches and adjustments. It takes time. You have to wear it a lot to break in the area to a new idea for it. It's natural. I wake up every day and waddle to the bathroom, erect and in a bit of not sexual pain, to calm down, pee, get it together. It's just a lot of moving parts to a device wear.

    Now, couple of things. You really should consider sending Her emails from an alt account, because you seem a pretty verbose writer. (Albeit one who should slow down and articulate better with sentence structure)

    I've had a lot of success by emailing my KH, who started out in our first Locktober 4 years ago and was a bit apprehensive. It gave me a way to communicate about chastity in a non sexual way, and yes, absolutely, to extoll my great love in writeform the help further coerce a bit of fun in the experience for Her.

    See, minus telling Her this stuff, the whole buy in on Her part is a bit lost. You are asking to be denied from having sex with Her, while satisfying Her. You know what makes that tick?

    She needs to know how deeply you adore and love Her. How you'd even let Her control your commitment sexually and connection to Her physically to prove it.

    So, giddyup, Romeo. You are obviously excited and have a lot to say. Go focus on some fun in it from Her.

    Locktober is still 7 days away. Don't force it on Her. Intrigue Her. Find out from Her how to engage this in a fun and exciting way for Her.

    M.
     
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  13. Dodger-Oh
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    Dodger-Oh Try everything- if she approves

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    @Xileh , thanks for another thoughtful reply. I must say I'm just blown away at how great all the responses are here, and that so many people would take the time for such well-thought replies.
    "Question, does she want to be in charge?" - excellent point. I'll adjust a bit in my approach to make sure I'm not going there. As excited as I am, my main hope would be to release her from her own "performance anxiety". She always "wants an A" in whatever she tries to do, and I don't want this to a source of any stress for her. I was hoping the "you're in charge" idea could help her release that. I agree that she isn't ready to jump into full-blown femdom with her in charge of every little thing, or anything like that. I'm not ready either. I'll try to be clear with my messages that I'm not asking that.

    "Second question, are you interested in being submissive, or just enjoying play time?" - another good point. My first answer is that I want this to help us define that, while having some fun this month. There is some "kink appeal" for me, but that's not the major reason to try this. There are many things about chastity play that appeal to me, but the biggest thought right now is that I'd like to move myself a bit towards the submissive role. I'd like to serve her better than I can now. She often takes on things that I should help with, and won't actually accept my help because of rules she has in her own head about how much she should take on. I'm hoping that we can move that a little over time, so she'll understand that it's ok to accept my service to her whenever she wants it. I also hope this will help us learn to communicate better about planning "daily life" tasks.
    I'm not sure if either of us wants to move completely to the submissive lifestyle, but I hope we can move that direction a little bit and see where we land.

    "Something that has worked well for us is to periodically sit down with a happy hour snack (made by me), and a glass of good wine," - I love this one. I had already talked with her about us just having casual weekly check-ins to plan things for the week, and this gives me a clear image of a great way to do that. For sure, this is going in my plan, for locktober and beyond, regardless of where we land after locktober's "experiment".
    Again, thanks so much for your great reply. I will keep everyone up on how things go.
     
  14. Dodger-Oh
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    Dodger-Oh Try everything- if she approves

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    @Pretty Monnica , thanks for your reply. You are continuing the trend of amazing me with the great help of this new community ( for me ). You made me laugh, you made me cry... really. See below.

    "You really should consider sending Her emails from an alt account, because you seem a pretty verbose writer. (Albeit one who should slow down and articulate better with sentence structure)" - this actually made me laugh out loud, recognizing something that I know about myself, but can easily forget in times of excitement. A few people nickname me "the professor" because of my tendency to lengthy answers. I'm also aware that I tend to put together some long, complex sentences at times. I need to spend more time rereading and editing to make sure I fix that. I'm in a hurry right now ( leaving on a short trip in about 45 minutes), so I'll try to be brief now.
    • "The first little while is a bit arduous for all of us" I'm just starting to see that. I've just completed my first 24-hour lock up ( self locking for now ), and I can already see some of the million things that I keep having to adjust.
    • The Alt email account idea is good- I'll put that in place for this month and going forward.
    • "She needs to know how deeply you adore and love Her." - this is the one that made me have a little bit of a cry, because I do adore this woman, and just want the best of everything for her. I'll be happy if this month adds a bit of fun to our lives at the least. I'll be far happier if somehow she understands more deeply how much I love her. Changing our lifestyle is exciting to think about, but is secondary to loving her better in daily life.
    • "Locktober is still 7 days away. Don't force it on Her. Intrigue Her. Find out from Her how to engage this in a fun and exciting way for Her." - beautifully put. Sounds like a good summary of my hopes.
    Thanks again for your reply. Have a great day.
     
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  15. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    I think the most common advise people here will offer is to take your time, go at her pace. She may surprise you after she has held your key for a while. When she learns she really is in control of all sex, and you are behaving, she might relax.

    Then, one day, her not so hidden key is gone. It’s not in plain view on her night stand anymore. She tells you in casual conversation, “Get used to it.” Now, you have lost control. New ballgame.

    It just takes time. Enjoy.
     
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  16. bondinchas
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    bondinchas Long term member

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    When I read that I couldn't stop thinking "Be careful what you wish for". :rolleyes:o_O:+1:

    It often takes a while, and you can't rush it, but when she "gets it" there won't be any letting go!
     
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  17. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    Great post. We al need to keep our eye on the line between our relationships and our submissiveness and our need for play and kink, and make sure we know which side we're on.
     
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  18. Dodger-Oh
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    Dodger-Oh Try everything- if she approves

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    So many good replies here- thanks to everyone for their thoughtful suggestions and additions. Everyone added their own pieces to this, and I've written out my own summary to help me keep on track.
    It's funny how much of the messages included versions of "We see you're excited and maybe rushing this- calm down and let it happen at its own speed". Exactly what I needed to hear, and have repeated to me until I could hear it. While I'm still excited and fascinated at this new world opening up, I'm in less of a rush and trying to be more considered on everything.
    My wife and I have had more discussions about this, in small chunks, and she's getting more interested as we go. She still isn't sure this will work, or that she'll really get anything out of it in the end- but she's interested in the possibilities of more control and of better focus on the things that are important to her. I still have to be able to show her that I'll not only accept this new dynamic, but also will be able to do a better job of serving her willingly and effectively.

    I'll update elsewhere as things progress, but wanted to at least give a basic update. Thanks again for helping us get started on this journey.
     
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  19. Dodger-Oh
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    Dodger-Oh Try everything- if she approves

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    One more update, for the start of Locktober. We took all of your input, and came up with some agreement on how we were going to handle this. We have a modified set of goals for October, and have agreed on the point for me. It's to have some fun, try out these ideas, and have her practice making the decisions about several things, and controlling my orgasms. I've had several spankings now from her for my misbehavior and "maintenance", so she's taken to that quickly. We had a few fun moments locking my cage just before bed on September 30, then headed off to bed. She got up first in the morning, and went out to watch some DVR'd TV. I walked out a couple of minutes later, to her smiling while chanting "Lock him up! Lock him up!". I laughed out loud.
    It's a good start.
     
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  20. Tom in hope
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    Tom in hope Active member

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    Can I ask what cage you have for?
     
  21. homebody
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    homebody In awe of GoddesofHomebody

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    I sounds like you really spent the time as a couple to find out what will be fun for you. As long as you approach this as a fun learning experience you can't loose. Please let us know how it goes. Good luck and have fun.
     
  22. madams-sissysub
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    this is very good advice!
     
  23. Dodger-Oh
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    Dodger-Oh Try everything- if she approves

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    I bought some cheap chinese cages from Amazon, but found problems with fit and quality, and I'm not using those. I wanted to make a decision on a recognizable brand of device, and I was interested in having a stainless steel device with an open design for ventilation. I ended up settling on a Bon4m. It is a good quality device, in my limited experience so far- definitely much better than the cheapo devices I started out trying. I'm still working through adjustments to get the best long-term fit, but so far- these 3 days in - it's working well enough for the longer term.
    Hope some of that helps with the info you are looking for.
     
  24. King Hippo
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    King Hippo Long term member

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    From what I know the Bon4M is a reputable device. It comes with a lot of different pieces that you can customize the fit with (including gap distance) and the latch hinge made precise enough to not pinch. It does look heavy though!
     
  25. Dodger-Oh
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    Dodger-Oh Try everything- if she approves

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    It's definitely a step up from the cheapo stuff I started with- though those were better made than I'd expected. They offer a set of 7 rings, and other sizes can be ordered. I asked them to give me the 7 largest rings, since that was more in the size range I knew I needed, and that has helped. By being able to try different rings and gap adjustments, I believe I have it figured out with a larger ring and the smallest gap adjustment. It is heavy, which I believe is causing it to slip a bit when I'm standing up for longer periods of time. Overall, though, I think it's a pretty good device.
     
    King Hippo likes this.
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