My Journey, in fits and spurts

I guess I'll start a bit of journal, since I started a personal one at the start of my current lock-up (It was a part of the contract, but I think I went overboard on the content!).

Background - I'm a 50 something year old that has been fascinated with bondage my entire adult life. My partners haven't always been been supportive of it. My current relationship started 18 or so years ago, and she is into some light SM. We've always been fairly light on the kink, with some periods of time where we've been a little heavier into it. But it's been a while since that occurred (life/kids intervened).

I first discovered chastity maybe 12 years ago. I started with a CB something or other. In the first year of ownership I had a hard time getting the sizing right, and probably never went more than 4-5 days with it. My Wife/KH wasn't happy with how "her" property looked after wearing the cage that long. (I wasn't as meticulous with hygiene as I probably needed to be back then.). Since that time I've owned maybe 6 or 7 different cages, but the wife has not been my KH for any of the times I've worn in since that first year. Always solo play, and very rarely overnight.

For some reason this year I decided to ask her to be a KH again, and we did a contract for 16 days. I've been out of the cage temporarily more days than not, but I've not played with her property during my times out. (And if she goes to work while I'm out I to go back in faithfully.). I'm currently on day 12 of that 16 days, and she mentioned the other day that she isn't against going longer. That's exciting (and very scary) to me!

I started this period wearing two different chastity devices I probably ordered from the Sub-Shop. But for the last 6 days I've been in the Vice (normal size sheath) at night, and it's working kind of OK. I really need the smaller tube, and it's taking it's time getting here. (I have too much trouble peeing with the head of her property sitting so far behind the opening.). I feel like I'm not likely to be able to easily get out of the device on my own, and I have the contract giving me a defined period of time I need to stand it. I suspect I'll do a few days out and then try and do Locktober with even less frequent orgasms. That is if my KH is up to that. (She is slowly getting around to understanding the work a KH needs to do. I'm quite thankful she puts up with it at all!)

We (well, I) do have a few other kinks. I enjoy cross dressing and being pegged. The KH doesn't mind the dressing up, but doesn't enjoy pegging the same way I do so it's a rare treat.

I am kind of terrified to be sharing this, but it's been a part of me for so long I need some outlet for it. This forum seems like the safest place.

 

Just a quick note this morning. I'm on day 13 of my planned 16 day lock-up. I don't think I've gone more than 48 hours without being out of the cage at least temporarily. (Much more often for cleaning/relief from some scrotal irritation than for play.). Reading some of the other posts on this site I have realized that there are many couples out there where the chastity lifestyle is longterm, but that's very different than wearing the chastity device 24/7 for the longterm. I think that fits the way my wife views this much more that my unrealistic expectations at the start. I was initially disappointed that I couldn't wear the cage for longer periods of time, but that was focusing on the wrong goal.

The goal is to give my wife/KH control of my orgasms. We've done that. (I've had one full and one ruined orgasm in the last 13 days.). The device is a means to an end, and an effective one. Tempering my expectations to match the reality with my key holder and my life is slowly occurring, and will hopefully reach full agreement at some point.

Last note today - we talked briefly last night about the end date. We signed a contract at the beginning for 16 days. That end date is the end of this upcoming weekend. I told her I'd be amenable to extending, but she's not super committal to that. (I told her I didn't need an answer yet, so I had no expectation she would be.). But I wanted her to know how I felt about it so she had time to think about it. She has played along, and is wearing the key. (Granted it's safety-pinned to her clothes at work since she isn't willing to wear it on a necklace out.). My frustration about not being able to masterbate isn't super strong every day, but it is some days. And not looking at any sexual images is tough. (I've failed on two different occasions, both times looking at chastity-related content). I don't want to go back to my status quo after this event, but it's not always going to be easy to avoid it. I think it's been a net positive the last nearly two weeks, and hopefully my KH thinks the same.

 

Today I'm at 2 weeks of being "locked-up". I'm using the air quotes because I've been out of my cage a lot. (nearly daily.). But I have not had any orgasms on my schedule. (I was allowed one on my anniversary, and my god was that hot! I had been orgasm free for a week at that point.).

When we started, we had made a contract. I put in the contact that it would have a start and stop date and it would be 16 days. Apparently my math isn't great, so it's actually going to be at least 17 days. (Started on a Friday, plan was to end at the end of Sunday two weeks later.). So far no extension has been asked for by the KH. But she knows I'm OK with that if she's OK with that. (Not sure we'd extend this contract or find some other set of rules in place. I imagine that's a discussion for this Sunday).

My smaller cage for the Vice came in yesterday, and it seems to be a lot better fit for me. I'm a grower, and normally the tip of "her" shaft was at times an inch away from the end of the standard tube. Urinating is a lot easier now. Sleep last night was no worse than any other night, so the smaller cage will be it going forward.

There isn't a lot of teasing going on, but there is some nearly daily. (She's learning, and is willing to admit it's taking her a little time to get into the swing of things). Yesterday she dressed up *very* sexy before we watched some TV. She didn't let me worship her (like kissing her boots) while we were watching. Afterwards we went upstairs and ended up making out in a way I swear we haven't done in over 15 years. It was so fucking hot and I have not strained harder against the tube than that ever I don't think. She felt like stopping after a long time of passionate kissing, and we just cuddled for a while afterwards with me still in the small cage. If I have many long term memories after this event this will be one of them.

I'm still a little unsure how to approach her about what we should do once the contract "ends" this Sunday. And quite frankly I'm still not sure what I want! This has been a great experience, so much better than any of my previous lock-ups where she held the key. (There's been very few of those actually. Much more solo play/day play than anything else.). I'd like it to keep going, but that means giving up porn for much longer, and porn/masterbating has been a crutch for me in lots of ways for a very long time. (Hell, I even find that an orgasm clears nasal congestion for me so if I have trouble breathing through the nose at night a quick wank will make it easier to go to sleep.). I don't necessarily see my wife and I as being closer as the result of the last two weeks (we have a great relationship to start with) but I do think it has spiced up things in a way we both like. I just hope she feels the "work to reward" ratio is favorable.

The other thing that we need to think about is how to deal with work/travel. I've been working from home the whole pandemic. The last two weeks I've usually been out of the cage when we did stuff away from the home. (primarily last weekend when I needed some air time.) But in the next month I'll be going into work some, going to my parents for a weekend+, and attending some other events. I think for now I won't be "required" to wear the device when I'm at my parents (for example), But how we go forward for all situations is something we need to discuss. For now I'm still the one that is pushing for this lifestyle, and not her. So she (near as I can tell) won't care less if I'm caged in some of these other situations we haven't encountered yet. But I guess I'll know more after the "talk" this Sunday.

 

Well today marks officially two weeks in chastity (started on a Friday morning, so this Friday morning rounded it out.). I'm still getting out somewhat regularly, but for maintenance and not for pleasure. (One ruined orgasm and one real orgasm last weekend.). I've got until the end of the weekend which is when our "contract" ends, and then we'll discuss what happens next. She seems willing to keep going, but she tells me "that's a Sunday discussion."

One thing I like to do (not mentioned before) is crossdress. She tolerates that, as long as it's my own clothes. (I can't really fit into any of hers.). I have quite the collection now, and last night she had me dress up in a maid dress and service her cock. She kept telling me how cute I looked, and we even took some pictures. (I'm not quite ready to share those on this site. I was going to last night but then chickened out, even though my face isn't showing and I made sure to strip the metadata from the pictures!). We've now done that a few times the last two weeks (her have me dress up, as she knows I enjoy it). I enjoy episodes of being a sissy like that, but overall I don't view myself as a sissy, and have no desire to me a full time one. It's a game, and one I love playing. But I only feel safe doing that with my wife/KH. (As much as I love sucking her cock I have no desire to suck a real one myself.). My crossdressing tendencies go back way longer than the chastity ones. (Back to elementary school.).

I asked my KH last night if she has noticed any difference in me the last two weeks of being locked up. She took some time before answering. TBH I don't feel like I'm a bad husband needing a ton of correcting right now. (That's different than 10+ years ago for sure). My KH even said "you're not like a lot of the guys I know at work." Now a few days after starting I was grumpy as hell, and we had a "discussion" (not really an argument), but that one a one-day off day for me, and I've been better since. I don't know if that was related to the chastity device or not. It could have been. But so far she hasn't seen anything in me (besides that one day) that would make her say "I'm done with this." So there's that.

I've been having trouble with pain in the mornings when I wake up. I think it was because I was a little too cool, and the balls were trying to ride up. I slept under an additional blanket last night and that made a big difference. However, I still find I need to get up and go pee every time I wake up with an erection at night. I'm happy no one else is in the house to hear me use the toilet so much. (My dad has prostate issues and gets up hourly at night to use the restroom. I don't want family members thinking I'm getting to be like him!).

I've been looking at other people's journals, and see that there is a wide variety of experiences being documented here. It's interesting to compare/contrast what I'm seeing with my experience. But if the last two weeks have taught me anything, it's that my KH's and my reality is going to be uniquely ours, and I need to stop thinking about the fantasy aspects that will never happen. I don't want my wife to change drastically.

So this weekend she hasn't told me what she has plans for me. (Well, she did a little when I was sucking her cock last night, but I suspect it's primarily teasing and not her actual plans.). We don't have many other real-life plans for the weekend, and it's the last one we have like that for a while. I hope it's filled with a lot of playing, but I have to accept if it's not. (I'm sure it will have some fun, but the amount is the question.). And at some point I'll need to get really reflective on what I want the future to look like. I don't know if I want to go 100% her control of all my orgasms going forward. But I don't want to go back to my daily looking at porn and masterbating. Hopefully we'll find the balance together, and figure out the "rules" that make sense. Looking at what others on this site use for rules has been helpful, and I'll probably have a lot bigger menu of "options" that we can pick from for the next set we'll use together.

I see lots of people read these journals even if they don't comment. I'm OK with that. And I'll continue to read others as it's a fascinating view into other's lives.

 

So today I feel like reality is setting in a little more, and not necessarily in a way I would like. The contract we signed at the beginning of this lockup is to end tomorrow. So now I need to take a good hard look and see if it's been a positive thing or a negative thing for both of us, and we need to decide what to do going forward. The experience has been interesting, but not 100% positive.

I'll start with the good. Without my ability to watch porn/pleasure myself I've been at my KH's mercy for that kind of stimulation. Too often in the past I'm sure the would have wanted more attention from me but since I've already masterbated I don't feel as much of a need to try and be intimate with her. That's not a problem when locked up for sure! And we've had some amazing intimate times together in the last two weeks. Some of them are experiences I'll remember for a long time.

The bad? It seems my KH feels like once a day teasing is enough. It seems like it's always a production, and she hasn't tried much of the smaller things that could be done easily thought the day to keep me going. And quite frankly I'd rather have 10 much smaller interactions during the day than the one big one I seem to get right now. And it wouldn't take as much time/effort as the times she does something "bigger' in the evening. She may have seen some benefit from me being different (not drastically, but a little) but unless she starts thinking to putting in time to have more episodes of tease/day (even 30 second intentional interactions) I don't have the desire to keep going forward with this. The cost/benefit analysis isn't working favorably right now.

The tough part is I'm trying really hard not to "top from the bottom" and suggest she do smaller things. I certainly mentioned that some earlier on, but she doesn't want to hear me talk about chastity all day every day. It's always on my mind, but I feel "locked and forgot" most of the time.

Tomorrow we are planning on having an in-depth discussion of the last two weeks. I hope I can get her to see if she could behave a little more intentionally on smaller interactions. But if she's doing the best she can, and if she sees it as being too much work to keep doing what she's doing, then We'll probably stop. (I mean I'll probably keep playing with chastity on my own, but not with my wife as my KH.)

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife. We have an awesome relationship. But maybe being a good key holder isn't what she is made out to be. I'm OK if that's the case. At this point we can say we've tried in a way we hadn't before. But I was looking towards Locktober, and if she's going to be the same for that month that she's been the last few weeks then I'm not sure it's worth it. She's trying (she really is), but if it's not a good fit then I guess we'll see where we go from here.

Sorry for such a depressing post. Reality is hard!

 

So today was the last day of the original "contract." I'll be out of chastity for a few days and then be locked back up again for Locktober.

The wife and I had a good discussion about the last two+ weeks with me in chastity. We aren't looking to do a FLR, and neither of us want the other to be drastically different than we are now. (The goal is to be better versions of ourselves, not somebody else.). We haven't come up yet with the ground rules for what Locktober (and beyond) will lock like yet. I most likely won't be locked up when traveling out of town. I think the orgasm frequency might be a little higher as well. (I had one in the middle of the lock-up, then one as it ended.). But there will be fewer rules on the minimum duration between my orgasms. My goal isn't to be orgasm free, it's to let her always be the focus of them when I have them instead of porn/masterbation.

There are things she knows she needs to work on as a KH, like trying to find smaller ways to assert her ownership. She's done amazing at the big scenes, but it's mainly been something big or nothing, and I'd rather experience more frequent but smaller "scenes" (for lack of a better term) as I think that would be easier for her. She needs to find the rhythm that works for her, and where she sees the benefit in me. One lock-up at a time I guess.

We used a contract for the lock-up that just finished, but we think we'll just establish "house-rules" when I get locked back up again. I'm sure they'll get written out, but some of it will be simpler. She'll still get to determine if/when I get to orgasm. To me that's the most important part. (I don't need to be in a subspace to be a good husband for the most part, but we'll keep more of a log so she can think about my behavior the further we get between my orgasms to track is there's a difference.).

Overall I'm hopeful that the next lock-up period will be even better than this one, and there was some really good to this one. And hopefully the intimacy with my KH will increase now that I'm not having daily orgasms without her. I imagine I'll give an update when I get locked back up, and we'll see how I fee being unlocked for a few days after 17 days of being locked. I both love the freedom and crave the cage. And I can almost reconcile those two things!

 

Quick update. I've been unlocked now for 24 hours. We had a discussion about when I might go back into the cage, and for how long this evening. I was thinking "Locktober" since that's another pretty well defined period. She came back suggesting 6 weeks! (I think it's because she read somewhere that the KH should push for 50% more than what the user is asking for.). but for whatever reason she's willing to go longer. (This last period was a hair over two weeks, and my record to date.

My chastity is in the Vice right now with a small cage. She hates trying to get the lock into it, so it's unlikely she'll ever remove it and put it back on with me cuffed. (Hopefully we'll try at some point.). And she does let me out of it frequently, if not daily. My goal isn't to keep the cage on a specific period of time - the goal is to allow her to control the orgasms. I used to think that was "cheating" too much, but once I reframed the goal I see it's OK.

We are still using the contract we go from "House of Denial." The one thing we are changing this time is this clause.

• The user acknowledges they will be permitted a maximum of _________ ejaculations/orgasms per ________ days.

My wife saw that as limiting her too much. She wants the tease to be able to take me up to orgasm whenever she wants, and having a limit makes it more difficult. Orgasms won't be frequent by any means, but they are totally her to give in whatever quantity she wants.

(The specific issue we had with that was the last contract was 16 days. We put down that I could have one orgasm every 10 days, and had one at the mid-point. She felt limited like she couldn't give me another one even if she wanted it without "breaking the rules." So that's gone. No minimal time between, and no maximum interval between either. It's all her choice.)

The one thing we want to still work on is finding her shorter duration tease options to pick from. She did big events well, but the smaller interactions would help me through it, and she wants to be better at those. We'll figure that out over 6 weeks I guess!

 

Thanks! It's supposed to start in a couple of hours here. I'll admit I am much more nervous/excited about this length of time compared to the last 2 week trial. I'll give an update in a few days when I have more time on my hands. (Work is killing me right now. . .)

 

It is with at least a little bit of trepidation and nerves that I embark on this new journey of enforced chastity with my wife/KH. After all, it's only been a three day break since I was last in chastity, and that was only for a little over two weeks (which was by far my record.). I thought it would be interesting to do "Locktober," so I was a bit taken aback when my KH suggested we go even longer, like a bit over 6 weeks! And she wanted to start a little early as well. So here we are, September 29th, with her property locked up and me realizing this is now a lot longer haul.

So what do I expect over the next 44 (if I didn't mess up the math) days? I expect I'll experience the following:

1. Sexual frustration like I've never had before
2. Some sexual bliss at the times I am allowed to orgasm (at least that's what I've felt previously when locked up)
3. Intense Temptation to play with her property when I shouldn't. (There will be times I'm traveling and won't be locked up.)
4. Days when I wish I had never tried to get my KH to share this fantasy with me
5. Days when I feel more intimate with her than I have been for years, even when I don't get an O from it.

​

The goal is not to be a different person than I am now at the end of this time, but a better version of myself. And I think my KH shares that goal. (She doesn't want to be drastically different, and we aren't going for a full FLR. That's not us. But she does promise to take her key holding serious, and to keep me motivated during this period.)

What else will be going on over the next 6 weeks? Quite a few things.

1. Family will be visiting us.
2. My son will be home for college for the weekend.
3. I'll be going to a LARP weekend event where I'll be unlocked. (Lots of combat and the KH and I agree it wouldn't be prudent to wear at that.)
4. Going into work some as opposed to just working from home (last lock-up I teleworked every day I worked.)

​

So lots of life occurring. Long term chastity will require living life, and it's harder to avoid some things during a longer lock-up period.

Lastly, we are under slightly different rules this time.

• there is no minimum or maximum time between my orgasms. That's totally up to her.
• I'm going to do my best to not "top from the bottom." There isn't a clear punishment laid out for that, but she knows she is in control, no mater what I may suggest.

​

So that's where we are at. I was locked this evening, and she's now getting ready for bed. We are crashing early since I have an early start for work tomorrow. I will have the back-up key in the car in case my 10 hours at work get to be too difficult with the cage. (With my KH's permission of course.).

So here we go!

 

It's funny - the first time I was "really" locked up I enjoyed journaling a lot more. Since we started this lock-up I've been a lot busier, and journaling has been something easy to let slide. But I've made a commitment to do this (even if just to myself), so here's an update.

We are now three days into "Locktober" and 5 days into my current contract with my KH. But I think I've been out of the device more than being in it so far. Sometimes I need to remember what my goal is. It's to let my KH control when I am allowed to orgasm. The device is a means to an end, and not really the end in itself. Granted when you refer to the month as "Locktober" it can seem like the goal is staying in the device, but shifting my focus is a part of this whole process. When you are 50+ it can take some time to learn new tricks

Although I've been out a lot, I'm locked right now. Her property was locked up the evening of the 29th, and I had two 10+ hour days in person in work the 30th and 1st of October. I was let out of the cage to sleep the 1st (we had family visiting), and yesterday I was at a Renn faire with crappy toilet situations all day long. My KH told me I didn't need to wear the device at the RF but she would add a day to the end of the contract if I didn't. That seemed like a lot worse consequence for a 2 week contract, but for a 6 week one it's hardly even worth worrying over! I was back into the device this morning.

So I've now been in the device going to church on multiple Sundays, and luckily it doesn't often bother me while I'm there. I remember reading about one couple's chastity adventures (I can't remember where) several years ago and he said he was always let out to go to church. (Not sure if they felt guilty about it or not, doing something people could consider too kinky for that environment.). Apparently my KH has no problems with me being locked up when we go. I do believe that this is helping encourage good behaviors from me, and hopefully strengthening our relationship. So the "kink' part isn't what gets focused on as much. At least not on Sunday mornings.

Before putting the device back on this morning I noticed that I'm seeing some changes in my scrotum. I think I'm starting to develop the callouses that will make longer term wear a little easier. Or maybe it was just cold and I was shriveled! But speaking of being shriveled I have still noticed that I have burning in the scrotum in the mornings that goes away nearly instantly when let out of the device. It's rare I'm not let out of the cage in the mornings, and that burning has never persisted once being let out, even if I put the cage back on 10 minutes later. It's almost like the balls need to retract for just a minute to "reset" and then things are OK. I need to keep the bed a little warmer maybe so they won't feel as compelled to ride up maybe. And I might need to keep the house warmer in the winter, which my KH will really like!

Finally, this weekend we have family staying with us, so not so much teasing going on. Second day of this lock-up I was able to give her two orgasms, which is a very rare event. She loved it so much that the next night we had awesome sex together and I was allowed an orgasm. We aren't really doing any specified minimum or maximum between orgasms, so who knows when the next one will be allowed. My KH started off with great teasing the first several days as well, but we've been so busy with things this weekend there's been very little. (I wonder if that's why she allowed me to have an orgasm before they got here so that I wouldn't miss the teasing as much.). I still don't know how sustainable her interest in teasing will be over the 6 weeks we are doing this this time. But I have high hopes.

This last week was a weird one for me with work, and I'm settling back into my work from home routine for this upcoming week. It should make it easier to journal a little more regularly, as I won't be working 10-12 hour days all day plus commute. And I can take a break mid-day to write, which I couldn't do while in the office easily.

I hope everyone else's Locktober is meeting expectations!

 

So today I decided I wanted to dress up some while working at home. (I have enjoyed wearing women's clothing for a much longer time than I've even known chastity was a thing.). I decided to dress up as a maid, as I really enjoy the frilly things. Usually when I do this, even when I'm in chastity, my wife isn't the KH. In those days the chastity device is more a way to make sure I don't decode to masterbate too quickly, but I always end up unlocking myself later in the day at some point and rubbing one out.

Well today I'm dressed up, and I don't have access to the key to let myself out. (I have access to the sealed spare, but I'm not so desperate yet to incur the wrath that would come from getting that out). When I've done this in the past I've always essentially had masterbation as an end point. But since I'm doing this at home by myself, I'm not sure what the endpoint is right now. It's something that I'm not sure what to do about. I probably will dress up into something a little more "normal" (I have very little that isn't sexy clothing, but I have a few items) to wear today when I get a break from work.

And to clarify just a little, my fascination with women's clothing goes back to when I was in elementary school. I used to sneak into my mom's and sister's wardrobes for years to wear stuff without masterbating or getting any kind of sexual release. That didn't occur until I was in college and later. So I do enjoy dressing up for its own sake, but it's been co-mingled with sexual release for so long it's hard to separate out the two. Maybe now that I'm locked up I might see if I can separate out the two again. (Although maybe not 100%.).

Looking at one of the other threads here on CM I was reading one that was reactivated about the definition of "permanent" as it deals with chastity. I've had to decide even what my KH and I mean when we say chastity. For us, I've seeded control of my dick to her, and she keeps it locked up (more often than not) so that I don't play with it without her permission. But she can play with it (in and out of the cage) whenever she wants, and if she wants to let me have an orgasm I'm willing to have them! So many times in the past I'm sure I've not been intimate with her because I've masterbated in the day so I don't feel the need to spend that kind of time with her. Now (for the time being) I'm only going to get release if she allows it, so I need to be more focused on her and enjoy the intimate times we have together. I don't know if we as a couple would want "permanent," but I do want to focus on her as the most important thing in my life and make sure that I don't neglect intimacy with her because I'm getting my sexual releases on my own. I have no problems being let out of the cage, even for "Locktober." I have given up control of when I get to orgasm, but that doesn't mean I won't get them if my KH feels like I deserve one. And I'm still trying to act in a way that she'll think I do.

Not much else to update. Life has been busy this last weekend, and work is busy for us both. Hopefully more "playtime" will occur this week as time permits. We are on a contract for 6-ish weeks, which is *much* longer than previous lock-ups. That means there will be ebb and flow to the amount of activity.

 

Just a short report this evening. I purchased a new straight jacket from Amazon, and after a long wait (shipping from China) it arrived today. I spoke with the KH before I bought it, as this is not a solo toy at all. I can't get myself into it, and once in can't get myself out for sure. If she wasn't interested in it it's just going to collect dust. Well, she humors me, so I bought it.

After dinner she buckled me up in it, and had an incredible tease session. Hand jobs aren't something we've ever really done, so it took some time on her part (with me doing my best to shut up and not direct) to get me close. I was told I could have a ruined orgasm but not a full one. (And I wasn't assured of either.). Eventually I had to ask her to stop so that I didn't get a full "O" but I didn't get a ruined one this time. Then I was left in the jacket a while so I could calm down, as she doesn't like trying to get the cage on me. That's my job. But she didn't want to let me too close to it when I was that close to it

Other thing going on is that time seems a lot weirder to me this time. Last lock-up was 17 days and that was by far my record. But the end was never that far away. This time we are doing 6 weeks (which has already been extended by a day), and this after only a 3 day break from the last one. I had a great orgasm mid-way through the last lock-up, and knew that I could do anything for a week. And with that one at the 7 day point (which is where I'm at now) I could see the end. Here I feel like I've barely begun, which is a very different feel. I know 6+ weeks is nothing to many people here, but it's sinking in now that this really is a long-haul activity.

I used to look at a lot of chastity captions, and some that used to do it for me is when the woman is saying something to the extent of "ask me to extend the time." A week in that still seems hot, but I'm not sure it will in another month! (I also can't really look at chastity captions anymore. I'm forbidden from looking at porn, and many chastity captions have pictures of naked women. I guess I could look at ones on Tumblr now that that's boring. Giving up porn has been difficult. But I do know I should only lust after my KH's body, and avoiding porn helps that. (As well as the fact she's the only one that can give me release!).

 

Well crap. I'm now a week into my current lock-up and I've developed a sore spot on the base of the scrotum. But it's in a weird place (around the 2 o'clock position of where the ring sits). There's nothing on the ring there that would account for why that spot is rubbed raw, but (in discussion with my KH) we are going to let that heal before putting the cage back on.

But that doesn't mean I'm not still under the other terms of the contract. So no porn, no touching myself without permission, etc., etc. But I'm working from home and have free time on my hands while the KH is at work. So I need to be extra diligent to be good! The cage is an enforcement mechanism, and not the end goal. I need to focus on the end goal.

It's not been that long since my last orgasm (5 days I think) so I'm not so desperate for one yet that I "need" the cage to help me meet the terms we are on. But I'll admit it does help to wear one. That and I do enjoy wearing it now, which is a little weird to me. (I still remember the first time I tried to wear one to work. That did not go over well at all, and I had to run home to remove it since I didn't have the key with me. This was when I was self-locking.).

So today will be a day to throw myself into work so completely that I have no time to wander around the inter webs during the day . That also means avoid this site for a while . . .

 

We have fun playing with the domination parts, and I really enjoy my other kinks. But they are secondary to the main goal for sure.

 

First off, I'm quite literally shocked at how many times this journal has been viewed. Especially since I don't find my story that interesting! It's more for me to work through things in my mind, and to capture a few thoughts for later. I have no idea why others are reading it. I hope it adds a little value to the user base writ large.

Second, sometimes I'm really stupid. Luckily in this case it wan't in my relationship with my wife! But it's still impacting me and I'm bummed out by the consequence. In this case it's a problem with a related kink.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I enjoy bondage, and just got a straight jacket. I *love* it, as it's the most comfortable inescapable thing I have. It's satin-lined, which makes it feel awesome when put onto my naked body. But being naked it what got me. There are two straps at the bottom that go between the legs and get buckled in the back. I wasn't wearing any underwear, and had my Vice on. The straps ended up sitting right behind my ring, and in hind site I can remember it pinching/binding me behind the ring. And not a "good" discomfort. But I was enjoying the rest of the sensations too much to mention it to my KH.

Fast forward to yesterday and I noticed a sore at about the 2 o'clock position that I was convinced was caused by the ring. But looking back I now realize it was likely the strap on the straitjacket that caused it. So I've not been wearing the device since yesterday morning. For the month of Locktober, I've almost been out of the device for as long as I've been in it, which is not how I saw the month going! Since I now think it wasn't the ring that caused the issue, I might try and wear the device again tomorrow, even if it's not fully healed. But I'm not sure about that yet.

Currently my wife and I have a contract for this chastity period. She knows that I've made a commitment to her, and I didn't see being out of the device as being "game off" until it was healed. (Although I love the frustration that comes from not being able to pleasure myself, I'm also looking for more intimacy with the KH and if we're game-off then I can go masterbate and be back where we were before, which is not what I want. I think she understands that more after talking about it last night - that the device is a means to an end, but my goal is still to give her control of when I get to orgasm, even if I'm not locked. So I think she's still willing to "play the game" even if I'm not locked. (Especially since there are two distinct time periods according to the contract when I wasn't going to be locked, but still under the rest of the terms.).

Finally, as a part of the discussion last night, my wife shared a bit more of her feelings about masterbation and porn with me. She has no problems whatsoever with me masterbating. But she really dislikes me looking at porn to do it, or looking at porn in general. For years the two have nearly always gone together with me. (I.e. I never look at porn without masterbating, and rarely ever masterbate without porn.). The rare times I masterbate without porn has usually been either with other toys (butt plug, etc.) or while wearing women's clothing. (Wearing women's clothing doesn't always end in masterbating, and frequently doesn't even get me hard. It's not always a sexual thing for me, but it usually is.). So while I'm not doing either while I'm under contract, knowing her feelings about it will hopefully change my behavior even when we aren't under contract.

OK, one more last thing! I mentioned to the wife that in some contracts/rules I've read that someone tagged weight loss as a goal that could lead to either reward or punishment. She is dead set against that, because she's convinced I like punishment too much and I'd avoid losing weight because of it! I kind of don't have the heart to tell her she's still to soft at paddling, and if she wanted to make it so that I didn't enjoy it she'd have to go a lot harder. She doesn't get off on punishing me, so I think that will always have to be a play element and not a real element in our dynamic.

My son is coming home from college for a long weekend in a few days, and our chances for a long session of anything is pretty nil. I enjoy getting pegged, but I don't see my KH being willing to do that if someone else is in the house! Luckily it's just a few nights. Then hopefully I'll be healed and back to the game, however that looks for us.

 

First off, I can't believe we are already more than a week into October. Time is flying, which is good because I have an end date. It isn't soon, but it's there. And it matters to me more today, because dang this is hard!

Looking back at the calendar and my last contract, I've now been in chastity nearly 4 weeks. (3 day break between contracts, and even when on a contract I've had breaks at times, but not permission to orgasm without her consent). I've only had a full orgasm I think 3 times in the last 4 weeks, which is *way* down from where I normally am. Two of them were PIV, and one was masterbation. Last one was a week ago. I know there are lots of people on this board that have gone a lot longer, but this is still new for me. And I'm starting to get desperate.

After I wrote my entry yesterday I was reading someone's post about spending the night in a dungeon, and getting dressed up like a maid for it. They even had a link to a video they wanted to emulate. (One of Natalie Mars videos I think.). I watched a little of it (I know I'm not supposed to) and not being in the device . . . I started to wank. I knew it was wrong, and I shouldn't be doing it. In the end I ended up ruining the orgasm since I told my KH should would be in control of that. That was difficult to do (well, it was difficult to stop there I should say) and I was even more frustrated afterwards. I was tempting fate too much, and won't be doing that again this lock-up. (Which is 6 weeks minimum, longer if the KH wants to extend it.).

After dinner last night she changed into something sexy (including some PVC thigh high boots which drive me crazy) and we watched TV for an hour. We cuddled during that time but she didn't allow me to touch her sexually. I still hadn't put the cage back on, letting the sore area heal, and she stroked me some during the show. After it ended we ended up making out on the couch. At the end she allowed me to try and cum between her boots without using my hands. (I've told her before I thought that could be hot). I wasn't lubed up at all so I had a hard time doing that, and eventually we stopped. I didn't have permission to cum any other way, so I ended up getting locked back up. I didn't trust myself at that point, sore spot or not!

Overnight I had no issues, but still have trouble sleeping when I get the morning wood. I do hope that calms down at some point. The sore area that I had (caused by the straight jacket) didn't look worse in the morning. The cage came off for a quick check and shower, and then back on.

I worked form home today, and there wasn't much to do. I was looking at Chastity captions, which I should know better than to do. (It was on Tumblr and at least the filters there are working, for better or for worse, so I wasn't worried about looking at "porn" which I know I shouldn't be doing.). I looked for a while, and it got me a little desperate. OK, I'm as desperate now as I think I've ever been. I used the vibrator a little on the cage (which I think technically I'm not supposed to do, as I'm not supposed to play with her property) and that got me horny but no release. And since I'm a glutton for punishment I've also got a butt plug in right now. That will get my mind off of sex for sure

Son comes home from School tomorrow morning, and when I take him back I'll be going to my parents for several days. So if there will be any significant play time it will have to be tonight. If not tonight then it will be next weekend, which will be tough to wait for. While at my parents I think the plan is to wear device during the day, but not sleep in it. I hope that I can be good while there. We'll see.

Now it's just hurry up and wait for the KH to get home, do dinner and see if she has anything planned. If she's worked too hard and not up to much in the way of teasing play then I know I'm still locked and getting exactly what I asked for, and dealing with the consequences that come from that. I'm actually planning on moving the spare key to her drawers. She's never really asked to check it, and today was the first day I've thought about taking advantage of that fact. It would be better if we kept it somewhere she'll see it routinely so I'm not tempted. (It's in a smalls section of PCV pipe with a plastic lock keeping it in place.)

Thinking of the key it's weird. I'm desperate, and thinking of getting the spare out and getting an orgasm. But if I do that I suspect the KH's position won't be to extend the contract but to end it. As frustrated as I am right now I'm not looking for this to end. I need to find better ways of dealing with it I guess.

Wow, this rambled some. For anyone that's reading this still (and I still don't totally get why you are or why I'm writing it) then sorry

 

Today marks nearly a month since I started in chastity "for real." In my case it hasn't been locked up the whole time, and I haven't been denied the whole time. But for a lot more often than not I've been locked up, and my KH has actively participated in this adventure. But now starts a new "phase" (for lack of a better term) that I need to come to grips with.

Here's the deal. So far, it's been primarily the KH and me at home, with some family visiting for a few nights in the middle. So we've been around each other a lot, with plenty of time to have fun in the evenings. Some of those times I've allowed to orgasm, other times I haven't. I'm leaving that up to my KH, and she's been generous so far. (Friday night, which was later in the same day I wrote my last entry about being horny as hell, she let me out and the sex was *amazing*, just like the other times I've been released and allowed an orgasm during sex.). So we've had time, opportunity and interest.

Yesterday we picked my son up from school for a long weekend. He's more than happy to stay at home the whole time, so our opportunity is much less. She's teasing, but it's small reminders and not me getting pegged for example. When I take him back, I'm going to my parents for the rest of the week by myself, so no opportunity there and much less interactions for her to exert her control over me. (I won't be in chastity at night down there, unless I can find a way to sleep through the night erections without needing to get up and pee every 1.5-2 hours.). And when I get back home she'll have left to go visit her family, so I'll be at home alone for several days. Then I can be locked up 24/7, but due to her family dynamics we don't get to communicate much when she's with her family. So minimal chance of teasing at that point as well.

So what does this mean for me? I've read many places that a serious negative consequence can be when a man is "locked and forgot" by his KH. I'm sure I won't be forgot over the next week, but there's going to be very little tease and denial. How difficult will it be for me to sustain my will when it's just me "playing the game" for the next week? I haven't had to answer that question before, but I will find out soon.

I use the term "playing the game" quite deliberately. This is something we are enjoying playing (at least I think my wife is enjoying it as well) but we both know it's a game. Granted, it's playing out over months right now, but that doesn't change the dynamic. We have both agreed to the basic rules. She has more control over the playing field than I do, but she's playing along mainly because she knows I enjoy this weird kink that she doesn't fully "get." But she knows it does do it for me, so she's willing to play along. If I decided to stop tomorrow, she'd (most likely) be "OK." and we'd not have *any* negative consequences to our relationship because of it. (We have an amazing, loving relationship that I had no idea could exist between married people, having had horrible marriages before.). This is a fun new dynamic, but it doesn't define us.

In fact, I've had to think what it might mean if I were to get so desperate that I did get out of the device to orgasm. According to the "contract" there are two extremes in the options.

1. She could extend the contract period.
2. She could end it.

Had it happened early in the contract I think the odds of her tapping out would have been a lot higher than her extending the time. Because at that point I'm not playing by the rules we've set, and she can guess how the rest of the time would have gone. Now that I've shown the ability to (mostly) stick to the rules I think she might keep playing but with some consequences for me. I did ask to put the back-up key somewhere else. It had been in one of my drawers, but she didn't ask to see it really so I could have brown the safety lock and she'd not find out for a while. So now she'll keep it somewhere she'll see it more often to I won't have that temptation.

So back to the discussion on the phase I suspect I won't be given permission to orgasm for the next week, and I won't have the cage on all the time to enforce it. And I'll be out of town so my KH will have no idea what I do unless I chose to share it with her. And I won't have the "fun" teasing going on since we won't be around. I know there are lots of couples on this board that do long-distance lock-ups, which is a very different dynamic. This will be new for me, and it will be interesting to see how it goes.

The other thing I need to figure out (in discussion with my KH) is what I'll be allowed to do when I'm home next weekend and she's gone. She doesn't mind my dressing up. What I don't know is if she minds if I play with anal stimulation when she's gone, or if I can try to get a caged orgasm using a vibrator. I'll have to figure out when to have that discussion. I suspect she doesn't mind what I do as long as her property stays in the cage, but I'll let her decide that. And I do know that when I've played with didos in the past, I nearly always end the session with an orgasm. (Usually not from the dildo, haven't gotten there yet, but I hope to some day). Without having that option I don't know how to define the "end point" of the play session. Just something for me to consider before I get myself any hornier without hope for release. . . .

 

Well damn. The sore area that I thought I didn't need to let heal up all the way on my scrotum apparently really does need to heal up all the way before I keep a ring around that exact area 24/7. So now I'm out again for several days and hoping it heals up quickly. I'll take my cage to my parents but I doubt I'll be in it before then.

Only other thing to mention is that I had a discussion with the KH today and what I could do next weekend while locked and she's out of town. Provided that I'm healed and locked up again I can do whatever I want as long as I don't try to get out of the cage. So I'm hoping for a fun time trying to get to orgasm in it. Although I'm not 100% sure why I'd torment myself so much when I do plan on staying in the cage. (And my KH won't be back and ready to play for a few days after that.). I guess I'm a glutton for this stuff, and since I won't be locked up the next few days I want to make up for that frustration! For now I'm just going to have to not masterbate because I told my KH I wouldn't. . .