What would you do if your long term partner introduced you to D/s and chastity and said it was the way they wanted to go? If they wanted you to become their Mistress? If you did everything in your power for 2 years to try and fulfil their every fantasy? If you ignored, as best as possible, every problem they had, which prevented them from fulfilling their part of the deal? If they lost interest in you, in sex with you, in servicing you and you worked as hard as possible to regain their interest, to fuel their fantasies, to become what they wanted? And then you found stacks and stacks of BDSM porn, with beautiful people being everything you wanted to try and be but failed miserably stored on their hard-drive. And you realised that actually, they probably hadnt lost interest in sexual pleasure, especially masturbating, but that they were perfectly happy pleasing themselves to the faces and bodies of hundreds of others, and kept it secret (apparently so as not to upset you). I personally would feel very angry, and betrayed. I would also be confused as to why someone in that position, with a woman doing everything they ever wanted, who had shared every sordid little fantasy they have, and wouldn't care about porn... but cared deeply about the keeping of secrets. I havent decided yet what I would do, but in the meantime, Im going to live my life the way *I* want it.
Oh my goodness! Alot of subs and sissies would give their balls to have such an understanding domme. If I was the domme in that situation There would be no more wanking....no more porn. Strict chastity. No more time spent on the PC. Instead the so called sub would spend his entire time seeing to my needs and those of the household. there would be severe punishment for such betrayal as well involving pain at least equal to that experienced by the betrayed domme. But the first thing the sub would do is write a long essay on why he thinks he deserves a beautiful, understanding mistress, a grovelling humilliating essay signed and presented to the domme on his knees head bowed begging for another chance.Then made to read it to the domme. But this essay shouldnt turn the sub on. It should be a genuine work of longing and repentance. REAL. In all likelyhood, if i was the betrayed domme I would take on another sub, just to show the false sub what he is missing....to show he is not even any good as a sub and torture him with the attention I would give to the new sub.
Perhaps taking control of pet will being playing straight into his hands but it may just be an idea. I can’t defend pet for having bdsm porn on his PC but I do now that once you’ve entered into a D/s lifestyle it can be hard to let go. Pet may be yearning for you to take control once again, for you to force him to be you’re pet once again and have in serve you in all the ways you like. I can see though that it may be hard for you to want to take control. You must be feeling angry to say the least and have had you’re confidence knocked. So it may not be easy for you to forgive pet and give him what he wants. From the sound of things pet has engrossed himself in the world of bdsm and become hooked like many of us. It can be like an addiction, he could be acting as if he’s going cold turkey. It may explain his apparent lack of sex drive. It can be very hard to go from intense experiences like being in sub space and then to go back to vanilla sex. I’m in no way saying this is you’re fault. In the end you must do what’s right for you and you alone. If a full on D/s lifestyle is not for you then you may need a lot patience while pet weans himself of off being a sub. Or you might just feel that you want to give him a slap and tell him to snap out of it.
Yeouch! I'm so sorry you're going through that right now Ms Watchful. I can say that ignoring his problems isn't a healthy way forward. Sacrifice leads to resentment, resentment leads to hate, hate leads to suffering... I've been in his spot before. Porn is definitely an easy sexual outlet, and I've turned to it when the greater sphere of life and relationships gets rough. I felt drained from a long period of long hours of work, from S lacking discipline in respecting me telecommuting, from any number of other minor disappointments that add up. What broke the camel's back was that I'm personally not wired for monogamy (stated up front) and S and I were spending desperate clingy quantity time together instead of quality time. "Please, darling, do find a second boyfriend! I can't handle you all myself!" I told her not just once, and frankly I've been wanting a Toy to play with too. As it happens someone of interest to both of us who's had quite a bit of experience with polyamory, self-reflection and responsibility has recently come into our lives and we're most grateful. Things are moving cautiously, but in a direction that we believe will have major benefits and rewards. (Nothing more than kisses have thus far been exchanged with our third -- and already I've shared lots of fun time with S and gotten lots of ouchies!) I'm not saying this is the solution for you, but perhaps it sheds some light on what may be going on in his head. Sometimes all the shiny rubs off of people and thence begins the phase of the relationship that takes Work, which sometimes gets taken seriously in the wrong ways. It may be worth seeking individual (for both of you) or couples counseling, to investigate just what each of you need and don't need, determine whether you definitely want to continue the relationship, and commit to doing the things that need to be done if you do. You might make use of the Kink Aware Professionals list at ncsfreedom.org in your selection process. These are tough situations and I hope there's some value in my rambling to be found. Best of luck!
That is so upsetting. I was in a situation where my partner was keeping secrets because she was scared that I would be disappointed in her and that she was failing me somehow. I was very angry to start with, but after some time wondering if I could ever trust again, I realised that she did the wrong thing for what she thought was the right reason. Was the secret keeping a "default" thing to do because he didn't feel he could ask for more from the Dom? Because the reality wasn't as wonderful as the glossy pictures portray, and that by saying so he would have to admit to being wrong and difficult to please? If so, it doesn't make it right, but it also doesn't make it as sordid and nasty as the alternative.
sympathy Mistress Watchful, I am sorry Y/you are going through this. You have my sympathy, my empathy, and my most sincere wishes that it works out for the best, whatever that may be. You are an inspiration for many of U/us, and i am sure no one on this site wants to see your going through the angst of a broken (or bruised) trust. with support Lcsb
Thank you everyone. You understand me better sometimes than I understand myself. It's 1 am. I can't sleep. Baby is very poorly and is sleeping in my bed. pet is sleeping on the floor because I knew he didn't want to be away from her. I can't stand him being in the same room as me. To some this may seem a gross over-reaction. After all, this man has shared so many desires/fantasies/secrets with me in the past. I explained that the dates of the porn I found (completely by accident, looking for holiday photos and the photo editor on the main PC decided to catalogue everything on his hard-drive... nice) came from christmas last year, when we were supposed to be at our happiest. He said it wasn't, it was from when he was locked up. So my reward for doing yet another thing he desperately wanted was for him to go off and immerse himself in the sights of other women... Thanks. I think it's the keeping of secrets that hurts. Not the porn. Yes my ego is dented (again, for the how manyth time?) and I just can't handle it anymore. I can never live up to whatever it is he wants. What do I *not* do? I would (would have done) anything for him, and I did. Still not enough. Gut feeling? Time to move on? Mid conversation it was thrown at me that he had to "put up with" me conversing with the potential Alpha-Male (yes... the one he encouraged me to try and get close to, to make yet another of his fantasies come true... another fantasy that he's "changed his mind on") I can't deal with it. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. So I won't anymore. I could make him grovel, and crawl to me (over hot coals!) and become my chaste slave. Maybe he is acting out to "force" me into this position. Well fuck it... I'm done with it. I know what position I want to be in, and I now *know* there are men out there who would love for a chance to be in his (high heeled) shoes. To reply to you all..... sissyboyblue I completely agree. I would love to. I won't be immediate, but it is absolutely a consideration now. kris - *hugs* you totally get me! Absolutely. How many times have I done this before? But isn't that the odd thing? It's *me* that wants it more than ever now. It was him who was pulling back, because the reality wasn't quite as nice as the fantasy. He wanted the T&D but also the freedom and fucking. He wanted to be a sissy-maid, without the housework... I gave and gave and gave, and all he did was took. allfullup... I understand what you are saying. It's the only thing I didn't do that he asked me to... be with someone else. Maybe he should be careful what he wishes for. Tinks' wand... I understand that too. But there was never a need to keep this porn a secret. I view porn, I share it with him asking him his opinions, so that I can focus on what he likes and see that we're on the same page. It was never EVER necessary to keep it a secret. That's what's eating me right now. Lscb... Thank you. You hit the nail on the head really. This is all about trust. What is D/s without trust? Absolutely nothing. I am hurting like mad, but also pushing my thoughts aside. I want to make a new start. He says he can't be without me, can't lose me, can't go on without me... ... what he actually can't go on without is a roof over his head, his bills paid, his ego massaged, his fantasies realised without question. It's not *me*, it's what I provide. Bitter.... very bitter.... :sad:
I feel profound sadness that you were treated that way. You are such a nice person. You deserve a faithful subbie. beltedone
Oh My....This is going to spur Me on to write a longer reply than I usually do. First of all....males think with thier cocks, does not surprise Me in the least that Your pet is viewing porn, maybe surprises Me just a little that hes been hiding it, but nevertheless, not that hes viewing it. Years ago, before Mistress was attached to My name, I found a bunch of crap on our computer, and My pet was too viewing all this. Well, needless to say, it PISSED Me off. But, since then, we have grown, gotten older, and hes explained to Me alot that I did not realize. I did not know what goes on in a males head, nor did I know that sex is on thier perverted brains 24/7 Unlike Women, its all the hell they think about!! And...they are visual creatures, for example, I always preferred the lights down low, candles on, romantic setting, turns out males are only visual, the more they see, the more they get turned on. Now I can get turned on by a nice comment, or a soft touch, they on the other hand want to see and hear everything. You can talk to your pet and turn him on, but, only if you use the sexy sultry voice, if you say the exact same thing in a regular speaking voice, they dont hear it the same way. And....I know exactly how you feel about all those computer women, all made up, look like models, built like a brick shit house ( American term) and the males flock to drool over thier pictures. Its pityful!! I hated the thought of haveing to live up to that kind of expectation, I mean come on, I am no Miss America!! But....then I realized, through the help of My pet husband of 20 years, and with the help of My loving cksj, that I owned for a very long time, that I do have alot to offer, and anyone I chose to serve Me would be DAMN lucky. And, it finally sunk in. Now, I dont care how many sites hes been drooling over, hes never going to have a real Mistress in any of them, only with You, and if You and pet split, well, hes screwed!! He will not find another Domme, unless hes willing to pay for it, and hes certainly never going to find one to have a 'real' relationship with, SO, seems to Me that You hold all the cards Beautiful Mistress Watchful I'm going to repeat Myself and so many others on here one more time..... You are a beautiful Woman...stop acting like a doormat. Stand up Woman, make Your life what You want it to be!! Tell pet to shape his ass up or get the hell out. And, please, whatever You do, Do not compare Your beauty with the fake fantasies on the freakin computer!! There is NO comparison for a real Woman, trust Me! Hope this wasent too long, I'm used to short replys LOL Mistress Michelle
You are as prone to love as the sun is to shine,it being the most delightful and natural employment of the soul,without which you are dark and misserable.Consider therefore the extent of love,its vigour and excellency.For certainly he that delights not in love makes vain the universe,and is of necessityto himself the greatest burden. Thomas Traherne.
the moto of this site is be careful what you wish for.God knows that there are many fantasies that people have. Sometimes whats in your head doesnt quite make it on to the page.I personally am not sure what would happen if what I fantasized was made reality. it is a strong possibility that what might turn you on mentally just doesnt cut it in the real world; besides which. there are plenty of people who inhabit your reality
I feel & understand you pain at the betrayal you have suffered. It is NOT infidelity that ruins relationships, it is loss of trust. Over the years this is somthing I have come to learn well! :squigglemouth: Communication really is the key! On the other hand (being unbiased & trying to find a balanced view) Porn can be an addiction, just the same as sex, alcohol, drugs etc. Is pet in control of the porn he looks at or is it in control of him? Does an addict need condemnation or help? You also need to factor in pets comparatively young age because he will not have had the life experiences that you have had by the time you are 45, bald & handsome! tongue Every situation or relationship has good & bad points - does the good outweigh the bad? Is he there because he makes you happy or because you dont want to be alone? You also have the further complication that you are not alone in this relationship - you have a baby together so he will ALWAYS be a factor in you life in some way. Do you strip away everything that is causing you pain or do you use that anger to focus on what YOU want out of your relationship with him & then make damn sure you get what YOU want? You can listen to everyones advice or opinions but when all is said and done it is YOUR life & the choices are now yours. Act in haste - repent at leisure! :crossedlips: Take your time to make any decisions, do not act in anger or hurt - wait & make an informed, rational & considered decision about what you think will be best for you and for your family. You are a wonderful woman who I am proud to call my friend - If I can do anything to help you, you know I will! Dont get mad - get even!! xx
Well maybe its time for you to get what you! want. Playing into his hands or not you should force his hand. Lock that chastity device, deny him sexual pleasure. Tell him if he isnt going to do the housework and pleasure you then hes not going to get to be the submissive he desires to be. Give him that ultimatum, make him beg to serve you. Give him one last kick up the arse and you may just get what you want out of him. In all the bdsm, D/s material Ive read is says you shouldnt use anger in any scenes, dont punish in anger but maybe in this one occasion youre anger may help to kick pet into shape. He may see what hes done and what he would be missing if he didnt submit. Ive said this may times before but Im going to repeat it. Your and attractive and very intelligent person and many subs out there would give their right arm to have you as their Mistress. I know itll be hard to see past pets betrayal but you both need to sit down and have it out. Not tit for tat arguments. A proper sit down over coffee conversation. I know you have low self esteem but pet will have a lot going on in his head as well. You need to extract what it is that is going on in his head. Its sounding more and more like the last chance saloon for both of you. So maybe it is time for you both to take a step back and sit down and just see where youre both at.
Mistress Watchful: just a few thoughts having read through the thread. We all know we have to be careful because fetish is like a drug - it's addictive and, therefore, we're going to need a bigger and better fix. Perhaps you've both had as much as you can take ? Like any relationship, if it has really run it's course then you both have to ask yourselves whether you want to continue and, if so, how you get back on course. I wouldn't be too hard on pet for looking at porn, that's a man thing, although I do agree about the breach of trust. From what you've written it certainly does appear as if pet is topping-from-the-bottom and that comes as a big surprise. If it's true, why are you letting him get away with it ? It sounds to me as if he needs to go back into chastity for a LONG time and until he is a very sorry boy indeed. Fem-dom or FLR should be exactly what it says: you get what you want when you want it and generally supplied by him. Those are the rules. For the record, I've admired you from afar for a long time. You've been a beacon to all of us in the lifestyle: warm, witty and wise; and the new site is a pleasure to visit. I'd walk barefoot over hot coals to be your slave and I'm sure there are plenty of other (sub) men out there who feel the same way. White Knight
You all spoil me. At the moment I just feel numb. In my head I know this seems like a huge over-reaction. The key problem in this matter is since I met pet and we have discussed porn he has always said it didn't interest him, he's never been into porn. This means he lied. I would never have had a problem with him looking at porn. If he didn't know that, then he's a lot dumber than I ever gave him credit for. It's just another secret. I thought last time, when he admitted to masturbating the day before his new CB6k arrived was bad enough. That knocked me back, and I thought (and was promised) it would be the last time. It's like he's constantly out to hurt me. Because I am now devoid of feelings, I don't want to lock him up and cane the life out of him. I want nothing to do with him. I want him to disappear. Then there is another part of me that says "just suck it up, it was just a mistake, just go back to how it was" but how many times can I do that? The other little tiny part of me does say "fuck it, lock him up and throw away the key". But I don't think he deserves to have a Mistress, I definitely don't think he deserves to have me anymore. Replies to those that posted: beltedone... thank you, but perhaps my niceness is my downfall! Mistress Michelle... thank you, as always you flatter me. The men in my life have never understood the fact that I don't have a problem with them viewing porn. I love porn, why can't we share it? That has always been clear. I'm more upset now that he has deleted it all, I wanted to go through it and find out exactly what was so special... that has now done a fair bit of damage. Those photos/videos will ALWAYS be a secret. I should stand up to him. In the past 2 years, instead of building me up he has completely destroyed my will. I always was confident in myself, felt I was (a little bit) attractive. I have become his slave, doing everything in my power, financially, physically, emotionally to make him happy... but for what? What do I get in return? Absolutely nothing. bobbi... very inspiring. Love is a bitch. notyet... maybe you are right. Maybe I should never have realised any of his fantasies... but then what? MasterG... :bigsmile: my shining light (and probably slightly deaf from my screaming down the phone) As ever, you talk far too much sense. You have surprised me these past couple of days... and I hate you for it. I will go away and think rationally. kris... thank you. I don't even know if I can communicate with him anymore. Part of me just wants him to hug me and tell me it's all ok, it was just another silly mistake... but which "silly mistake" do I finally turn round and say I've had enough. Do I have to wait for him to go and be unfaithful? Perhaps pay a Pro-Domme to create his fantasies for him? Then do I get mad? Or will they too be silly mistakes? I just wonder how much more I let him get away with. As for what's going on in his head, he doesn't know. Apparently I'm all he's ever wanted and he never wanted to hurt me even once. He admits he does nothing but make me unhappy and hurt me repeatedly... but he doesn't know why. Whiteknight... as you say, the porn thing isn't the problem. It's the repeated lying that I can't get over. No matter what I do, it's never enough, but how can I do what's in his head if he doesn't share it with me? The big question seems to be "Why am I letting him get away with this?" Because I never had time to learn, because whatever I did, despite being what was asked for, it was wrong. What if I do lock him up, order him to do everything I want domestically (because sexually, I don't want any part of him) I guess he could walk if he wants... I don't know. I'm still hurt and confused.
I gave up. The anger has passed, I still feel numb. Why continue to make my life a misery? I've told pet that when he returns from college, I don't want the incident mentioned again. He needs time to decide exactly who he wants me to be, and then let me know.
My god i thought my life was hell in the past couple of weeks i somehow feel better now but at your expense i hope that doesint come off wrong i feel for you Mistress we just split after 30 yrs and im devastated but MM has brought me back i think take controll YOU ARE THE MISTRESS
I've been following this and most of the time other people have beaten me to what I wanted to say, so I won't repeat it since most all of them can say it much more eloquently than I ever could. I did find a key item that I wanted to comment on in the highlighted section above. My wife/KH/Mistress have been together for close to a decade now. We've shared and done stuff that most of the population of the world hasn't even thought of (I'm sure the same could be said for most of the people on here). We get along well and can talk about nearly everything (including sex and BDSM related issues). Let me ask two leading questions: What if he has a problem sharing it? What if he deleted it because he was embarassed, not because he wanted to cover it up? I ask that because even after everything we've shared I'm still a bit uncomfortable with my own sexuality. For example, when I'm on this site and she comes into the area of the house where we keep the computer, I'll switch away to something else. Not because I *DON'T* want to share with her and not because I don't want to share it with *HER*, but because I still have a few issues dealing with it. On this, I guess I'm still "in the closet". Once I catch myself and realize what I'm doing, we usually read the site together, and we talk about things we find. The same thing can be said about my/our extensive porn collection :sex_porn:. I don't know if this applies to your situation, but I thought I'd throw it out there since I hadn't heard anyone else bring the issue up. I'm not trying to make excuses for his behavior, just explain part of what might be going through his head. That said, I really hope everything works out, since I enjoy reading your well thought out posts. Don't doubt yourself.
Mistress Watchful - the world has hurt me so many times for being decent and good. I will continue to live my life that way. I know you are a good person. You are smart funny and loving. Please don't let other people change that.
Well, i go away for a day and look what i miss! Jeez! Most of what i would have said has already been said by others, most brilliantly by Mistress Michelle though. One other thing, that comes to mind though... isn't pet pretty young? 20 something? Not that his age is an excuse for his pitiful behavior, but young men do some awful stupid stuff! Of course, older men do too (i am proof of that sometimes). Basically pet has to grow up and You need to get a back bone and the both of you need to talk (with a consolers help would probably be best). Figure out what each of you wants out of life. This might include you staying together and it might not. :squigglemouth: Harse words i suppose, but Goddess and i have been down this road and sugar coating things wont help. If pet is unwilling to be a part of the relationship, then maybe You need to move on. What You DEFIANTLY need to do is stop enabling him and stop being a service Dom to him. Food for thought ... i talked to a Domme last weekend at the dungeon who was lamenting the lack of decent subbies to enter into a relationship with... they all wanted a fantasy Dom and just couldn't live the reality of a 24/7 femdom relationship.
I believe that sometimes peoples fantasies get the better of them. What I meant by my earlier post was that sometimes people who are into unusual kinds of sex tend to have fantasies that when they are presented with in real life are not as much of a turn on as in their heads. BDSM and related topics tend to be the worst offenders. Thinking about a spanking and getting one are two very different things, etc. Maybe your "pet" didnt mean to hurt you, just couldnt live with the reality of his fantasy.
I would check his internet history and if you catch him surfing porn extend his stay in chastity by a week. If he does it again next time it would be 30 days.:crossedlips:
The "issue" has come up a couple of times in the last 24 hours now... usually before, during and after sex. Not good! I need to clear it out of my head, which will take a couple of days, then I'll be fine. pet is still trying to convince me that it was more "appreciation of art" than "wank fodder". I do kinda get that, but it would have been easier to understand if we could now go through it together... but he deleted it, and with it part of the healing process. My main issues are my wonderful self esteem (haha). It didn't really need another battering, and he realises that he has made me feel ugly/useless/inferior ad infinitum and that basically he fucked up big time. I just need a little time to recover and rebuild my confidence foundations (again!) Yet another thing to dust under the bed and move on. He's such hard work, but what can you do when you love someone so fucking much. :squigglemouth:
Well there is the point of view that if he didnt appreciate the beauty of the female form how would he appreciate just how lovely you really are?? :crossedlips: :tongue: