Institutionalized, acceptance and embracement

I've dabbled in and out of chastity since my late teens, and been locked full time coming up to three years now, the last year I've noticed a significant change in myself when granted a release (typically once a month but not uncommon to go much longer) despite enjoying the initial release I found I was consistently overcome with a general sense of being very low, my self motivation taking a hit and a general sense of downtroddeness (alas not of the good "put in my rightful place" kind) lasting up to days after. For a long time I'd assumed it was just a brief fall in self discipline, until the frustration starts to build again and my diligence and discipline improved again along side it. However during a discussion with friends about the importance of aftercare that it hit me that was I was feeling was an intense sub drop.

It was quite a revelation to me I think it took so long to realize as I'd always found I traditionally got sub drop after an unpleasant experience (such as after an intense punishment spanking, or when aftercare did not quite reset me after intense play) and not associated it with a pleasurable one. After talking about this with a friend they jokingly said I was "Institutionalized" to chastity and as jokingly as they said it, I think they are right the fact I'm now consistently reacting in such a way is a little scary in some ways but euphoric in others.

For the longest time I've had a desire to one day reach a point of having permission to orgasm of any kind stripped away from me and harsh punishments enforced and dealt out upon me for any had be they selfish or involuntary. Until this clicked for me, I'd always seen it as more a out of reach aspiration. For the first time I feel this is not just fantasy but perhaps an achievable goal, I actually had a bit of an emotional moment and a little cry upon it hitting me. Those who know me from my local scene, know I came out of a relationship a couple months ago and though it was a very positive split I needed to take a break from dynamic stuff to emotionally reset and heal a little, however I think this revelation has made me strong again, I'm ready to get back at it, find my "forever keyholder" and become that well behaved but eternally frustrated little service based sub and diligent house boy I know I can be. :3

 

Thank you for your positive comments, they mean a lot :3