Question about loss of focus after orgasms

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by Hubby&Missy, Jul 15, 2021.

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  1. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    I hope no one will take offence. I am just trying to learn about and understand a dynamic that is foreign to my experiences. Many subs and keyholders talk about the man becoming less focused on his woman and less attentive for a couple days after he has an orgasm. Some even say he gets a bad attitude.


    Once we got our act together so that after Missy gave me sex and she got her fuzzy, the feeling of having made Missy feel good and loved and the feeling I had of how she loved me put me on an emotional high that lasted at least through the next day. When I would make her melt in my arms that next night the feeling of the intimacy kept that high going. I actually feel like I want to hold her more after we have sex and do more things for her. Yes, sexual craving disappears for a day or two but by the time the emotional high is gone the hormones are back. The couple of times we were able to, as Missy puts it, make real love and share the passion, The emotional high lasted for two three days easily. That is a good thing in our case because the morning after when Missy “crashed” (Her term) I found myself holding her and helping her even more as she fought her demon of believing that for her to enjoy sex so much is wrong.


    So my question is, why does it happen to so many men here? This loss of interest in pleasing their woman after they have an orgasm. Is it because your releases do not involve mutual love making where you feel you have satisfied your mate both sexually and emotionally? Is your release so big and strong that it overpowers any emotional high? Does it have something to do with the duration of denial? Is what I feel that unique?


    Right now releases will be rare for me because the Saturday night sex became more like duty sex then showing me “she loves me sex” for her and we have dropped it. I still get that emotional high though when I can take her to her fuzzy place and she feels truly loved.


    Why isn’t chastity a tool that enhances love making? It gives the woman control of when sex happens. It becomes a function of her libido and how well the male focuses his attention on her and makes her feel like she wants to make love. It probably won’t happen as often as if the male were in charge. It could be every night or as little as once a month or so depending on the woman’s sex drive and how her man makes her feel. But when it happens it will because she wants to make love and it will be awesome.


    Sorry I kind of mixed in my feelings with my question so if you are all confused about what I have written here it is my fault.
     
  2. collaredhubby
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    collaredhubby Long term member

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    The loss of want of pleasing a woman after orgasm has a lot to do with chemicals, hormones, and the brain. When a man has an orgasm in full, a lot of things go on both emotionally as well as physically. There is this dopamine dump into the system along with all the other feel good chemicals and endorphins your body sends you. After this like any high level of chemicals that work their way out you feel tired, emotionally drained, and possibly even weak physically. Some people actually get physically ill in a known phenomenon called post orgasm sickness where they can experience real flu like symptoms over the course of a few day to a week or more depending on how long it takes their body to self regulate.

    The build up of all these things along with all the courtship goes clean out the window because all that stuff that made you feel good before has worked it’s way out. Sexual fulfillment was achieved and there is no more wooing because you’re wooed out. If you’ve ever heard the term post orgasm clarity, it refers to the time after all that stuff has worked it’s way out and you can think straight because the hormones aren’t affecting your brain like they did before.

    The fact that you’re on a high for a while after sex is no shock, it’s actually pure biology and coded to us to bring us closer together after the fact because sex is biologically speaking for making babies and after the act the hormones released draw you closer to the other person so that you’d want to a stay together to take care of said children. The bonding hormones. That stated all these hormones after the initial pop off fade and the following day have worked their way out generally. The man has achieved his goal of mating with the female. He no longer is recipient to the hormones that say court her or try to please her for sex. He is not is a manner of seeking a reward necessarily and this may also be one of the most honest representations of a male who is not chasing after some tail. What they do and focus on during this time can be very telling about their general personality as a whole when not bombarded with the “must get some sex” hormones. There are actually stories of people who make big life decisions after cranking out an orgasm because they are not clouded by all the other things they are chasing after.

    Chastity takes that release of all that endorphins and all those hormones and basically hacks them. The idea is you that you keep those juices stored and flowing over a long stretch and build up and release in small but ultimately less satisfying for the man dumps and you keep the dopamine in a semi constant state of control/ production. Different tools like tease and denial, ruined orgasm, denied orgasm, and fetish all add on to the list of activities at the disposal of a Shrewd key-holder/male brain hacker.

    It’s a matter of science. It’s great that you have such a high amount of natural brain box goodies but they do wane. You may have the will to be more supportive and may even have the heart of a true submissive where serving her fills your meter so to speak and that could be why your mileage varies so greatly seemingly from most others as you’ve apparently observed.

    To your other question, why can’t it be a tool? In a way it is but only in so far as the work you’re willing to put into making the tool work. If you just lock a man up and ignore him he’s gonna feel neglected eventually and resentment is bred fairly quickly in that environment. No one likes to be continually ignored. Teasing is a tool as it lets the man know you’re thinking about him. Denial is a tool because even though you’re thinking about him, it’s a show of control. Bondage is a tool as well as a possible fetish that exerts control and allows for the exploration of other things like: Spanking, Tickling, Etc while also exploring trust. All these things require work on the part of the key holding person and that can be a hard sell and a hard ask. Unless you’re Giles English and have figured out the formula for enabling a vanilla wife to become a Chastity goddess like his situation with his permanently sealed belt (great blog by the way) you’re looking at a lot of communication, a lot of submission for you, and a lot of work for both of you in the long run.

    From what I’ve picked up from the context of your original post you are already well hacked brain wise by your wife so it’s no surprise really that you feel the things you do, you’re on a constant dopamine pump aided by chastity and denial along with pleasing your mistress and that’s ok, …as long as you know and realize that you’ve been hacked and accept it for what it is.
     
  3. Skyhigh
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    Skyhigh Active member

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    The answer is simple: No more orgasms. As in never.
     
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  4. Guest 6019
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    Guest 6019 Long term member

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    https://evolvingyourman.com/2020/09/04/male-chastity-a-recipe-for-resentment/

    https://evolvingyourman.com/2019/04/17/the-dark-side-of-chastity/

    Really great website, with a wealth of informative stuff explaining subdrop, why it happens and how to minimise the effects.
     
  5. enslavedbyc
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    enslavedbyc Junior Member

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    Post Orgasm:

    Loss of interest in providing her a great sexual experience? Nope, never experienced that.

    Loss of interest in performing tasks that I am only interested in performing to maintain my random chance of getting an orgasm? Yes.

    Loss of desire to put device back on? Every time. Apparently, that is why my nose lock or collar remained chained to the wall, bed, ceiling etc., until I’m re-locked.
     
  6. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    For myself, the intensity of the drop seems to correlate to how long I have been locked. The longer I have been locked, the worse the drop. Now that I have experienced it, and know to watch for it, I can mitigate it somewhat.
     
  7. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    @collaredhubby thank you. That was very helpful and explains a lot. Aside from the obvious drop in hormones from ejaculating there seems to be a lot more biology going on in the brain after an orgasm then I ever imagined. It would seem that I am the one that is a little strange. It may be that my chemistry may be a little unique for a male. Could it also be that my orgasms are less intense than most men’s thus releasing less of the “negative” chemicals? That would explain why back when I used to masturbate I got minimal satisfaction from it. Whatever maleness I am short on has been a good thing for our relationship though. I am able to focus on her and her needs and how much I love her whether we have sex or not. We would both like to be able to make amazing love but for now the intimacy we share is special and keeps us both fulfilled.


    You are probably right that I am more submissive than I think. A couple months back, Missy became concerned and dedicated a whole thread to it. She said I was very alpha on the outside but saw a lot of submissive characteristics. She was worried that because she is not at all dominant in our relationship she was not meeting my submissive side needs. I can assure you she has not knowingly hacked me or turned me into a submissive. Any submissive tendencies I have are self-induced. How much I love her has played a role in how I treat her, that is for sure.


    Regarding my thoughts on chastity as a tool for better love making I am assuming that the couple is a loving couple. They are attentive to each other every day. Though there may not be specific teasing, they snuggle, kiss, caress, and generally are affectionate every night like any loving couple. I would think that any relationship in which one partner feels totally ignored most of the time is doomed to failure.
     
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  8. NZSenator
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    NZSenator Long term member

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    I had never heard of sub-drop, nor given much thought to my after orgasm behaviour, but prior to chastity, I was orgasming 2-5 times per week, sometimes through a shared experience, other times solo, so I suspect there was no high as such, and therefore not much of a drop either, but now I do notice an increase in desire after a short period after orgasm.

    As for thoughts on chastity as a tool for better love making, absolutely. When your own physical sexual release is constrained and even direct stimulation of your sexual organ isn't possible, you have little choice other than to channel energy into other forms of sexual satisfaction. This leads onto more focus and attention being paid to your partners wants/desires which can lead to better sex, even though that may not be what many regard as sex.
     
  9. Cincy
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    Cincy Long term member

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    My wife does not like my attitude after I cum, so from now on it's tease and denial for me.
     
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  10. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    I occasionally visit a site called evolvingyourman.com. It seems to be realistic and friendly as this site is. I went there tonight for the first time in a while and found a post in the journal area by a woman named Steph. She and her husband have a very mild FLR with liberal chastity. However she and her husband have a formula they follow that prevents him from experiencing what here is called "drop" but she calls it depression. It seems like she has to put in a lot of energy after he orgasms and by showering him with extended love and attention he maintains his focus on her and returns the love and attention.
    For couples who would like to make love once or twice a month it seems like it might be the way to have the best of both worlds for both KH and sub.
    It was interesting anyway.
     
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  11. thecuriousone
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    thecuriousone Member

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    That’s what my KH is afraid off, giving me an orgasm would lead to a loss of a desire to put the chastity device on. So the solution is apparently not to let me have an orgasm at all
     
  12. Queens servant73
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    Queens servant73 Long term member

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    We’re experimenting with finding a good spot for me to get to have orgasms but to be able to return to subspace in the quickest time possible. Longest lockup’s have been 26 & 28 days, mostly 7-14 days though, but once unlocked and allowed to cum, that’s been always followed by a week to three weeks of daily sex and orgasms. So when she locks me back up after that amount of time, it takes 3-4 days to really get into that deep subspace of not being selfish and worrying about my penis.
    This experiment has started with a 10 day lockup, then amazing sex and incredible orgasm for me, then immediate re-lock. That definitely helped to start the subspace going again, and the next day, my Wife gave me a decent spanking with canes, wooden spoon and the tawse, followed by giving her an oral orgasm and then she unlocked me for sex with no O for me. All these little things have me right back to being solely focused on giving her pleasure.
    I know I’ll get to cum sometime in the next week to 14 days again.
    We’re hoping this kind of regular schedule will be fulfilling for both of us, it’s not total denial but she’s still in control of when I get to O, she can of course change it up and add or subtract time on a whim. I so far still have the energy, desire to serve, good mood that comes from denial but still have opportunities to get some great orgasms also. We’ll see how this goes and see if it’s sustainable, and something we both like.
    Obviously every couple playing with chastity is unique in what they’re looking for out of it.
     
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  13. enslavedbyc
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    enslavedbyc Junior Member

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    Obviously, my wife disagrees with that approach. She refuses to have her sexual interest in me limited by chastity. With the application of bondage she still remains very much in charge.
     
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